Physical and Emotional Boundaries: A must read for Everyone

[capitald]

I was wondering, how are your physical and emotional boundaries? Doe you have a good sense of boundaries? Do you know where the world ends and where you begin. We do many things to give ourselves a sense of boundaries. Some people smoke to give themselves a sense of inner boundaries, feeling the smoke inside them tells them where their physical boundaries end and where the world begins. Some people eat spicy food. Some people like to eat crunchy things while others like soft, gooey things. Some people like baths while others like showers. Some people overeat because they have low boundary awareness and they keep piling the food in because they can't sense their boundaries. Some people try to blur the awareness of boundaries by all sorts of illicit and illegal drugs or simply by alcohol. Sometimes alchol is good to disolve those boundaries, a nice glass of wine when we are with our lover.

 

Some girls have low boundary awareness and we often see them paint themselves with too much makeup as an overcompensation for the fact that they can't feel their boundaries. Perhaps their parents didn't bring them up right or somewhere along the line their perceptual mirror was shattered by sustained emotional damage and they didn't heal. The same may be said for men who have low boundary awareness and become rapists or womanizers. Many people grow up vain and no one ever puts that in check and so they think the world is just an extension of them, and while there is some truth in the fact that the world is an extension of everyone, there is much danger in believing that the world revolves around you or any single person. Some very vain people truly think that everything in the world revolves around them and so they feel everyone should be subject to their power, we call these people tyrants.

 

There are so many ways that boundaries come into play in relationships as well: boundaries between friend and stranger, friend and acquaintance, friend and lover.

 

The question is how do we overcome our boundaries in a healthy way and which boundaries are healthy to transgress and which are not and what behaviors of ours are conducive to a healthy sense of boundaries.

[shellgranado]

contact a doctor who deals with this

[capitald]

I meant the question to provoke thought in the people here so they can learn to improve themselves, I meant as a question for all of us to figure out on our own.

[Jorobot]

I think I'm having some boundary issues right now. Specifically, I'm too inhibited to get past my own physical boundaries.

 

I'm not really shy. I have a ton of friends, both guys and girls. I've never had a girlfriend, but I've briefly dated a couple of girls. I never got past the dinner-and-a-movie stage, though, cause I can't make a move physically.

 

I've never kissed a girl. Even among my friends, I get nervous physically. I've never offered someone a massage or backrub, though my other friends do it all the time; I rarely hug a friend, unless it's like the end of the school year and everyone's hugging each other, and I'm assured it's OK.

 

I don't know why I freeze up at the thought of getting physically close to other people. It's just a reflex. I feel like it's preventing me from getting girls, and even maintaining close friendships.

 

I think my boundary awareness is too high.

[sportsloving]

I admit to having at least one boundary:

 

I don't smack folks who deserve it

[capitald]

Jarobot said : "I think my boundary awareness is too high."

Good insight into yourself.

I am very similar to you. It took me a while to get started with women. Maybe you have very high standards and you need to take them down a notch. On the other hand, maybe you are very picky and only want the best of what life has to offer which can be good. Don't go below yourself. That is a recipe for embarassment, get what you deserve.

[moimeme]

I admit to having at least one boundary:

 

I don't smack folks who deserve it

 

ROTFLMAO!

[DerangedAngel]

sportsloving!

 

Some people smoke to give themselves a sense of inner boundaries, feeling the smoke inside them tells them where their physical boundaries end and where the world begins.

 

Uh...

 

-Deranged

[johan]

We do many things to give ourselves a sense of boundaries. Some people smoke to give themselves a sense of inner boundaries, feeling the smoke inside them tells them where their physical boundaries end and where the world begins. Some people eat spicy food. Some people like to eat crunchy things while others like soft, gooey things. Some people like baths while others like showers. Some people overeat because they have low boundary awareness and they keep piling the food in because they can't sense their boundaries. Some people try to blur the awareness of boundaries by all sorts of illicit and illegal drugs or simply by alcohol. Sometimes alchol is good to disolve those boundaries, a nice glass of wine when we are with our lover.

 

This is a humongous reach. Basically this appears to be a way to present a "theory" just using semantics. I mean I understand how people have more or less self-control, how people have preferences, how people choose to spend their time. But saying it's an issue of "boundaries", I don't buy. You've just loaded up the term "boundaries" to mean things people don't usually use that word for. No offense, but there's no particular genius there. On the other hand, maybe philosophy is partly semantics.

 

Sit back while I set you straight. It's economics, essentially. Cost/Benefit analysis every time. Different people assess the costs and benefits of an activity differently. And that goes for relationships as well. We factor in the benefit, the probability of getting the benefit, the cost, and the risk of experiencing the cost. People fail when they figure wrong or forget a part of the equation.

 

Take my decision to respond here for instance:

Benefits:

It's good for my ego when I think I sound smart (benefit: let's say 10, probability 100%, expected benefit = 100% * 10 = 10),

I have extra emotional energy to burn after a weird night with my girlfriend (benefit: 12, probability 100%, expected benefit = 100% * 12 = 12)

My girlfriend might see this and be impressed and love me forever (benefit: 100, probability 0%, expected benefit = 0)

Someone might respond and tell me they agree (benefit: 8, probability 10%, expected benefit = .1 * 8 = .8

I might win the argument (benefit: 15, probability maybe 20%, expected benefit = .2*15 = 3),

I might get you to come down off your high horse (benefit 5, probability 1%, expected benefit = .01*5 = .05)

 

TOTAL EXPECTED BENEFIT = 10 + 12 + 0 + .8 + 3 + .05 = 25.85

 

Costs:

the amount of time I should be sleeping (cost: 10, risk 100%, expected cost = 10),

I might lose an argument (cost: 8, risk 80%, expected cost: 6.4),

I might alienate you (cost: 5, risk 65%, expected cost = 3.25),

I might alienate others (cost: 20, risk 10%, expected cost = .2),

I might actually be completely missing your point and you're actually right (cost: 20, risk 1%, expected cost = .2),

I might be so sleepy tomorrow that I fall asleep at the wheel and wreck my car (cost = 1000, risk, .01%, expected cost = .1)

 

TOTAL EXPECTED COST = 10 + 6.4 + 3.25 + .2 + .2 + .1 = 20.15

 

TOTAL EXPECTED BENEFIT - TOTAL EXPECTED COST = 25.85 - 20.15 = 5.7. Benefits > costs. See I figured it would be worth it. Don't check my math.

 

Nothing to do with boundaries. People just value things differently, forget important factors, and include unimportant ones.

 

My point: people do the same kind of math all the time when they are figuring whether to smoke or eat gooey things or have wine with their lover or whatever. Also when we choose to flirt with a co-worker or cheat or decide to be a tyrant. Being brought up right or wrong abused or whatever just changes what the values are in your head that you'll use in the calculations. Our brains are just computers and it's true: garbage in, garbage out.

 

...there is much danger in believing that the world revolves around you...

I appreciate how ironic that is for you to say. Good point.

 

I meant the question to provoke thought in the people here so they can learn to improve themselves...

Thanks! Boundaries are very important.

[FreeMe]

Awesome Johan!

 

Total Expected Benefit to dumping your girlfriend and marrying me: 50

[sportsloving]

Originally posted by FreeMe

Awesome Johan!

 

Total Expected Benefit to dumping your girlfriend and marrying me: 50

 

 

Now let us hope that Johan didn't fall asleep at the wheel of his car and smash it up so he can read it

 

Benefit from laughing first thing in the morning: priceless

[moimeme]

Who says economics has nothing to do with everyday life? Awesome, Johan. Standing O for ya! (That's 'ovation' btw )

[capitald]

Perhaps the process of calculation is a like a frontal lobe brain massage for our fine friend Johan after he engages in other types of boundary affirming fun. Hey, we all enjoy being hedons occasionally.