genmut Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Basically, I gave up graduate school in a really prestigious college to attend a not-so-prestigious college so that I could avoid a 3-year LDR with my then-gf. We talked about it and she initially said she'd prefer it if I stayed. Later on, she told me to do what's best for myself. I didn't want to risk the LDR because I knew it would almost certainly spell the end for us. We would have been only 9 months into the relationship at the point of entering the LDR. She was the closest anyone has come to being "the one", meeting and certainly exceeding my criteria for the ideal girl. We were even talking about marriage. I really wanted us to work out, so I made the decision to stay. One day, she decides to dump me out of the blue, saying that she'd changed while with me and she didn't like the person she'd turned into. Said it felt nice to be with me but I was too possessive and clingy, and insecure. So here I am, stuck in a college I don't want to be in, living in a city I don't want to be in (and riddled with memories of her). I already have a job waiting for me when I graduate, but I can't help but think about the new experiences I'm missing out on. Also, having a degree from an Ivy League college wouldn't have hurt either. I know that the decision was ultimately mine, but sometimes I feel bitter that she left me so easily, after the plans we'd made for the future and after all I'd sacrificed so much for her. But I'm far from over her. Living in a city we'd explored together for a year doesn't help. A couple days ago I broke NC and told her I still cared. She responded by saying "alright" and said she wanted my stuff out of her place soon. Has anyone gone through this? Is there a way of thinking about this that might help cope with the hurt/regret? Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 With hindsight you always have 20/20 vision. You made the best decision you could with the information you had available at the time. If you'd known she was going to dump you, you'd have gone to the Ivy League college - but you didn't know that at the time, so you made what you thought was the right decision. You can't hate yourself for not having known what was going to happen in the future - you're not psychic! We all make mistakes in life. Some of us marry the wrong person and subsequently get divorced and have to pay alimony... some of us sleep with someone who has an STD and get infected... some of us get cheated on and fail to see the signs for months or years... It's easy to look back and say "If only I'd known" - but you didn't know, hence why you acted as you did. You have to come to terms with the fact that not everything in life works out for the best, and you have to pick up the pieces and move on. Your ex obviously isn't interested in seeing you any more, so you need to put the relationship behind you and get on with your life. You've learned a valuable lesson about putting your own needs first and allowing a relationship to take its natural course - someone who loved you enough would have understood why you needed to go away to college, and a good relationship would have lasted as an LDR. Don't make big sacrifices for a relationship unless it's a marriage in which you're officially committed. How long do you have left until graduation? It's great that you have a job in the current recession; you should be grateful for that at least. Maybe you could move to another city and make a fresh start after graduation? Link to post Share on other sites
Badenov Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Is there a way of thinking about this that might help cope with the hurt/regret? You have to be a firm believer in "Everything Happens for a Reason." You can believe in God, Fate, Karma . . . whatever. Just believe this is all part of The Plan. You might not see it for awhile, just have faith that someday you'll look back & say "I guess it was for the best that happened." Either way, beating yourself up or mulling over regrets won't help. These are the cards you've been dealt. Play 'em best you can. Link to post Share on other sites
solobeary Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 That sucks so much. But what doesn't kill you does make you wiser if you take the time to think about it (you sound like you will. Though don't beat yourself up about the past too much). Though probably misguided in hindsight, it's lovely you are the kind of person who sacrifices things for the person they love. I'm sure you'll learn from this and value love when it comes again, know more about how to find someone who you have faith in even in an LDR, and who is willing to compromise together with you. It's fantastic you have a job lined up! Plus, you probably have smaller student loans thanks to the non-Ivy school?? do something exciting with that extra money! Travel, deposit... maybe? Link to post Share on other sites
littleme Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 I'm so sorry this happened to you, but you acted and did what was best at the time for you both. If you'd gone Ivy League and then broken up (which it's more than likely you will have done) you'd be beating yourself up about not staying with her. I know it's tough but try to make the best of the time you've got left in the college/city. Travel in the holidays if you can, join any clubs or societies at the college. Throw yourself into it and see what happens. At the worst, when you graduate, you're getting another new start with your job and the chance to move. Take this time to enjoy what you've got, explore the city with new friends, explore the areas around the city. Keep busy. You'll get there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author genmut Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 some really sound advice here. She dumped me just before I started grad school, so it was too late to change anything. I guess I'll just take each day as it comes and try to focus on the positives of staying where I am. No need to readapt, in the company of old friends, etc. Eeyore, Badenov, Solobeary, littleme, I sincerely thank you for your replies that's the way I shall frame it from now on - I did what was best for us at the time, so at least I have no regrets about not trying hard enough. Link to post Share on other sites
antz2411 Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 ok 1st im not even going to call you an idiot because im willing to bet you already feel like you are. just throw this as a life experience and lesson learned. cut your losses and move on. now you know to never put no woman above yourself unless its your mother or sister. painful lesson bro! ouch! Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Have you actually started grad school yet, and are you sure you can't transfer to another school? Even if you had to drop out and re-apply to the other grad school for next year, surely that would be better than spending 3-4 years in a city that you don't want to be in? Link to post Share on other sites
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