Struggling so much

[littleme]

This could be a long thread, I just need to get everything off my chest and hopefully try and make sense of what a mess things have become.

 

I'm 28 and was with my boyfriend for 9 years. We lived together for around 8 of those years and were, I thought, happy for the majority of those.

 

Then in July we split up. I'd found him distant and quiet for a few weeks, possibly as long as a month and at put it down initially to work stress. Then I sat him down and asked him about it, worried he wasn't talking to me about it, and then, due to increased time on his computer/phone I began to get those niggling worries that there was someone else.

 

He said he wasn't happy, we'd had an argument a few months earlier and he said he'd never recovered from that, that even though I was changing (doing the things he'd asked me to do in the argument) he wasn't happy and his feelings weren't the same. I asked him if he wanted a break to think things over, he said no. I broached the subject of there being someone else he said no. And then got angry saying he'd had all this stress in his head and I was just getting jealous and not trusting him. I tried to explain why (the distance, that he hadn't confided his worries in me earlier, that he was spending more time apart from me on his phone/computer even when we were both home together) but he said it was all in my head.

 

The next day I went to work (I photograph weddings - worst job in the world when you're on the verge/going through a break up) and found I couldn't log into my email account. I remembered that I'd forwarded the email I needed to him a few days earlier so logged into his account to retrieve it (we both had each others passwords and there had never been an issue in the past about either of us accessing the others account if needed). There were loads of emails from a girl he worked with and I opened them. There were loads about compliation CDs they'd been sending to each other (they both like the same music apparently) and she referred to him as 'her musical husband'. Then there was one that read like they'd slept together. He works away from home a few nights a week doing various events and this was the day after he'd been away. She took a list of 'company attributes' loyalty, customer service, working as a team etc and referred each one to him - talking about his lovely xxx's (I took this to mean kisses), how he'd made her late, his sexy accent etc etc. I was floored and rang him immediately.

 

He went mad and accused me of spying, said I shouldn't have opened the emails if I trusted him, that she had feelings for him and was just being ultra flirty in that email, that there were explanations for everything. When I got home that night we talked about it. He said again that nothing had happened between them, she'd been stressed about her job so he'd text her some xxx's to cheer her up, he'd made her late when they were at work because they were chatting...all stuff that looking back feels like lies but I was so desperate to believe him that I did. He did say that she knew we were having problems because he'd confided in her about it.

 

He said he wanted to work on us and would not contact her again, that she wasn't that important to him so it wasn't a big deal to do that. Again I trusted him.

 

He was away with work most of that week but we kept talking, kept saying we wanted to give our relationship a chance. He was home for one evening, cancelled seeing his friend because he said he wanted to spend time with me and then barely spoke. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong but put it down to paranoia. I woke up the next morning feeling completely panicked, knowing that something was hugely wrong and kept asking him if everything was ok, that I couldn't shake the feeling that there was more going on with this girl. He told me I was being stupid, that he'd never lie to me, that he wanted to us to work but I couldn't get over it and logged into his Facebook. I'm so ashamed that I became 'that' girlfriend, but I found a message from her to him - that she missed him, she couldn't wait to talk to him again, she hoped that he was happy and was able to keep smiling. He'd replied about how happy he was to hear from her, that even though they'd agreed to not talk for a bit he'd missed her and would give her a ring in the morning. He said that there was nothing to report on the state of our relationship but we'd just been 'pleasant' to each other. He signed it 'night night beautiful'.

 

I was shattered and confronted him. Again he yelled at me for not trusting him, that he'd been weak and just wanted attention and was going to ignore her but now because I'd displayed such a lack of trust we were over and it was my fault.

 

We again spent all day talking things through (talking about our relationship problems, I was never allowed to ask about her) and agreed to have a few days apart to think. He came home three days later and said it was over.

 

We talked and talked about our relationship and he kept saying that there was no one else, he didn't want to be with her he wanted to be single and sort himself out. That the most important thing was us staying friends and being in each other's lives. I believed him and thought that if we had to split this was the best way it could be. We kept in touch, he helped me move house while he moved in with his friend. He would keep telling me how happy he was we were friends and who knew what would happen in the future. I was upset and heartbroken but also feeling so numb and happy he was still a part of my life.

 

Then on Sunday I found out he is now with her. Just two months after we ended our 9 year relationship. When I asked him about it (we were 'friends' apparently) he yelled at me, told me it was none of my business, he was starting to hate me, that I'd made him unhappy for years. That she was lovely and had had no part in us breaking up so I just needed to move on, grow up and get over him. Just like he had moved on from me. It was so different from the man who had text me the day before to say he couldn't wait til I could visit him in his new flat, that we could have coffees together etc.

 

I now feel like I've lost him all over again. That I was stupid and he probably was cheating on me all this time, that everything we'd talked through when we'd split had been relayed back to her, that we'd never had a chance to sort things out when I thought we were trying to. I feel so lost and can't comprehend that while I'm living alone in a flat he's having the time of his life living with his best mate, partying it up every night and now has a new girlfriend.

 

I've lost my best friend, my first love and the man I thought I would be with for ever. Even after the way he's spoken to me and the way he's made me feel I still want to hear from him, for him to come back and apologise, say he still wants us to be friends. I know it's pathetic but I can't stop thinking about him, I can't stop picturing him with her, kissing her, texting her, talking to her before he goes to sleep. I don't understand how I can feel so unbelievably low and he's happy.

 

Sorry this is so long, I just needed to get it all off my chest. In hindsight I know we shouldn't have stayed in touch after we broke up, we should have let each other (or me) recover and grieve but I honestly believed him when he said he thought this was the best way for both of us to recover.

 

Why two months on, and with this blow, do I feel so shattered, like my world has fallen apart. I feel so lonely and have such low self esteem. I can't see a future other than unhappiness while he goes on and lives his life. How do I get out of this? Is it all normal?

[Viv]

Hi,

 

I'm so so sorry for what you're going through. It is totally normal to feel devastated in your situation. I was only with my partner for three years but can absolutely relate to how it feels to have someone who was your best friend become very cruel.

 

I split up from mine three months ago, and have been no contact for two weeks, the sooner you do that they sooner it will start to get better! It's still immensely hard for me, but I keep reminding myself that even though I hadn't seen this side of him before, it is who he is now.

 

I guess he's being so horrible to you now, as a way of avoiding what he's done, if he says bad things about you he doesn't have to admit it to himself.

 

The best thing you can do is not give him anymore chances to be cruel, you deserve better than that, and you will realise that soon, I promise.

[solobeary]

Oh my god, you poor thing.

 

It is TOTALLY normal the way you feel. You're not crazy. You loved him for nine years, and what he did to you was awful. It actually sounds like you are being INCREDIBLY strong.

 

He was cheating on you, he was in the wrong for doing that. It is totally wrong of him to guilt trip you for reading his email and facebook, given the fact that he was quite obviously lying to you about his feelings and his intentions. You loved him, and instead of respecting that and treating you with respect no matter what, it was his actions that were sending you crazy, he was doing that to you through his own selfishness. Don't beat yourself up about that.

 

Breaks up are so so hard. It's great you've posted here. It's great you're thinking about going no contact (tons of stuff on here about that!).

 

It's normal to feel completely **** about yourself after a partner does something like that to you, and to feel so lonely. It's one of the worst feelings. It feels so bad now but things will get better From your post you sound really level-headed.

[littleme]

Thank you, both of you. I'm sobbing as I write this just knowing that people understand and I'm not going crazy.

 

My friends and family have been so supportive, but this week has just been awful. I was in a car accident on Saturday night, found out about him and her on Sunday and am now full of a cold virus (sounds so pitiful but it doesn't help!) I'm stuck at my mum's while I recover from whiplash and my car gets fixed but all I keep thinking about is that I'm hiding away and he's out there living his life and forgetting all about me. My mum went through a painful divorce two years ago and is being fantastic, she keeps reminding me I need to heal, that I threw myself into work when we split and hardly cried, didn't let myself hurt and get over it.

 

I'm trying so hard with NC. I've deleted and blocked him on FB, I've blocked her (we're not friends but I don't even want to be tempted to look) and I've hidden any mutual friends so I don't see anything that relates to him.

 

The thing that scares me at the moment is the triple Christmas, New Year and my birthday (all fall within a few weeks of each other). I just want to hide away until mid-January. I keep telling myself baby steps, I need to lose weight (for me, improve my confidence) work through the relationship and accept it's over but I just keep getting negative thoughts, telling myself 28 is too old to start over, that I should be planning my wedding to him not falling apart and trying to work out what to do next.

[Diogenes]

Littleme keep your chin up, I know it's hard right now. 28 is not to late to restart, I didn't even get married until I was almost 34, by the time I had met my wife I had given up hope of ever finding the special bond with anyone. I'm 56 now, I had 24 years with my wife before much the same script was played out. Right now that's what it feels like, a movie script. It seems unreal, like you are an actor in a bad movie about aliens taking over the bodies of loved ones and you can't get out....But if at my age I have the strength and will to find love again, you can to...

Edited September 28, 2011 by Diogenes

[Bruised Not Broken]

I just keep getting negative thoughts, telling myself 28 is too old to start over, that I should be planning my wedding to him not falling apart and trying to work out what to do next.

Oh Sweetie....28 is SO young. YOu have a lifetime ahead of you to meet and marry the RIGHT person.

 

He is being horrible and blaming you in order to spare his conscience from admitting what a A$$ he is. He lied to you and was unfair to you. Some times relationships change, but you don't start a new one, even if not physical, while still with the original. It's wrong. It's hurtful and it's destructive to the one you are with. Be kind to yourself....know that you will come through this...we all will. So sorry you are having such a horrible time. Try to keep your chin up.

[solobeary]

It's so hard, and it sucks you've had bad luck on top of that with the car crash and getting sick.

 

It's good you've got family and friends to support you, and that's great you're trying NC.

 

The holidays will be awful, I'm dreading them too.

 

Post whatever you want here. Vent! Even I'm angry at your ex!! He shouldn't have messed with you like that, frankly he sounds immature and you sound like you deserve better It's the hardest thing, but you'll be stronger and wiser out the other end of this, you'll feel good again one day (as opposed to him, whose new relationship started in such an awful way... (sorry if you are more mature than me and not into criticising your ex!!)).

 

Thank you, both of you. I'm sobbing as I write this just knowing that people understand and I'm not going crazy.

 

My friends and family have been so supportive, but this week has just been awful. I was in a car accident on Saturday night, found out about him and her on Sunday and am now full of a cold virus (sounds so pitiful but it doesn't help!) I'm stuck at my mum's while I recover from whiplash and my car gets fixed but all I keep thinking about is that I'm hiding away and he's out there living his life and forgetting all about me. My mum went through a painful divorce two years ago and is being fantastic, she keeps reminding me I need to heal, that I threw myself into work when we split and hardly cried, didn't let myself hurt and get over it.

 

I'm trying so hard with NC. I've deleted and blocked him on FB, I've blocked her (we're not friends but I don't even want to be tempted to look) and I've hidden any mutual friends so I don't see anything that relates to him.

 

The thing that scares me at the moment is the triple Christmas, New Year and my birthday (all fall within a few weeks of each other). I just want to hide away until mid-January. I keep telling myself baby steps, I need to lose weight (for me, improve my confidence) work through the relationship and accept it's over but I just keep getting negative thoughts, telling myself 28 is too old to start over, that I should be planning my wedding to him not falling apart and trying to work out what to do next.

[littleme]

I was angry with him yesterday - well, maybe not angry probably annoyed - I know I need to get angry but I keep justifying what he's done & how he acted to myself, putting the blame on me "he'll be different with her because I made him so unhappy" "if only I'd spoken to him sooner about our problems" etc etc

 

I woke up at 3am this morning and just felt so alone, all I could think about was that they may be curled up asleep together. I font understand how he can fo this & then get to move on & be happy. I'm dreading this weekend, I know he's probably spent lots of weekends with her since we split but this will be the first one that I know about them. I wanted to contact him so badly to tell him how I felt, ask him what he was feeling but I didn't. I posted in the thread on LS instead.

 

I deleted his details from my phone, it felt horrible. Just like deleting him from FB did. We were a team, we weren't meant to end up this way.

[sleepykitten]

Hi Littleme

i am so sorry you are going through all this, i was with my ex for 2 yrs not a patch on 9 i know, but similarly he hooked up with someone a few days after our split and is still with her, lied to me about it and carried on stringing me along the mth after our break up. I can understand about how lonely and sad those nights can be especially when you imagine them together. Deleting him from fb and phone is a great step, i did that too, have been no contact for a few weeks now and it does help. At this time for you it is still so raw and new, this forum is great you will get so much support, believe me 28 is NOT too old to start again, I'm 38, been divorced once, just broke up from a 2 yr relationship recently, and i was hurting like i never thought possible, a few months on i am like a different person. You will get through this.

[B_55]

You deserve a partner that will cherish you, not freak out when you want to talk about "us." Be strong!

 

I know it feels like he took half of you with him, and in a way he did. But now is the time for you to fill that void with positive energy. Go to the gym, flirt with a random guy, do something you've always wanted to do but couldn't.

 

I personally started swimming everyday, trying to learn Italian, and volunteered. I'm far from being over my ex but I feel so much better about myself. In the end, that's what you should strive for, a better you!

 

-B

[littleme]

Coming up to 48 hours NC & I still can't believe that we've come to this.*

 

I thought I was getting through our breakup, understanding the reasons he gave me for us splitting - time to grow, both need to achieve things before we settle down etc - and knowing that whatever happened in the future we had each others backs, we were still buddies so to find out he lied is just shattering.*

 

LS is helping, it's good to know I'm not alone although, being honest, some posts scare me. The thought of feeling this lost, this low for many more months perhaps even years is terrifying. I want to grieve now, I want to move on but I've seen friends who, 2years down the line, are still bitter, still unhappy & untrusting because of an ex. Please don't let that be me! I want to be happy without him, I don't want him to have a hold on me for longer than necessary.*

 

People do get over things like this don't they? And go on to be even happier than they once were?*

[Viv]

I have the same fears about how much longer is this pain going to last, but I think everyone does, and eventually they do make it. From reading the posts here, the people who have the worst times are the ones who stay in some kind of contact with their ex.

 

You were together a long time, it's normal to feel like you are right now. I'm reading a book at the moment which I'm finding really helpful. It's 'the wisdom of a broken heart' by Susan Piver. It's go a bit of a buddhist slant, about turning towards your pain, making friends with it instead of trying to run away.

 

You will get through this, you need to take really good care of yourself right now, like you would do with a friend if they were in the same position.

[Yeahsussu]

Littleme, my stomach almost went upsidedown when I read your post. I´m going through pretty much the same thing as you.

 

Long story short: me and my ex live on opposite sides of the world. We had a LDR for about 1 year, I then took the huge step and moved over to his country on a temporary visa. I thought he was the man of my life. In January he broke up with me, we had then been together for 2,5 years. I know you can´t really compare it to being together for 9 years, but still... Turned out that he had something going on with someone else. I had to move back home. Later on I found out that they had something going on even before I came over to his country. We agreed on to still be part of each others lives and keeping in touch. It´s been a bit on and off, but we´ve stayed in touch up until two weeks ago when he all of a sudden cut all contact with me. No explanation why.

 

 

Two weeks ago I found out that he´s with her now. He claims they never had anything going on, that he always loved me. It sucks thinking that they are spending time together while I had to move back home, feels like they were both happy that I left. I´m angry at him, and i think he´s a fool.

 

 

Just wanted to let you know you´re not alone. It gets easier, I´m kinda at that point now when i can wish him well, even though he´s done a crappy thing. He´s pretty much been stringing me along even after our break up. Texting me darling, and babe etc... Of course i enjoyed this, even though I know it was wrong. It has made my healing take so much longer. But I enjoyed the attention I got from him, felt like he still cared. But nowadays I hear nada from him.

 

It´s been 9 months now since our breakup. I lost my best friend, the man I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. I´m wiser now. It still hurts, but I think i´m going in the right direction. Keep strong girl, and you will find someone better. You sound like a really sweet person, and I´m sure you´ll find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Do fun things, go to the gym, go travelling, buy something really nice for yourself! Keep your mind off him.

[PositiveNegative]

Hey,

 

It is completely normal for you to be feeling that. Granted, I was not in a relationship for nearly the length of time you were in but I understand a lot of what you are going through. Its not pathetic to keep thinking about him, you spent the best times of your life with him, this is a grieving process. I too have lost my best friend and yes had her and I not been attracted to each other she most definitely would have been my best friend. For that and so many other reasons I told her that I wanted to marry her someday, but you can't force someone to be with you.

 

It's funny how dumpers seem so similar. They always seem to jump to the most likely person. My friend had told me he saw her walking with some guy, I shrugged it off, 2 weeks later they're dating. I'm also scared for how long this process will take, I think being on this site has pointed me in the right direction. We will become better with time as everyone says.

[ozdeano]

I know totally how you feel and its not a nice feeling at all, I was with a girl for not nearly as long as you but we ended in a similar way, she cheated on me and stringed me along saying we can be friends etc etc, the best thing for me was to go NC, its rough at the start but when you begin to concentrate on who you are and love yourself instead of placing your entire life into someone else you feel MUCH better for it.

[littleme]

Thank you all so much for your support. He asked to meet me yesterday to apologise for everything he'd said. I stupidly went, heard the apology, heard him tell me how he still cared for me and wished our relationship had been different and could've worked but that he is now seeing her and taking things slowly. It's knocked me right back down. I'd gone a month without seeing him and now I just feel like I'm back to square one. I still love him, I can't stop crying knowing he's with someone else. I was so so stupid to think I was ok enough to see him. I'm hoping it is just a temporary setback but it hurts so much.

[Flowerzzz]

Oh littleme,

 

Your story spoke to me because it took me back to my own sadness of last year. I think that my post from a couple of months ago will help you...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t290011/

 

 

Keep on keeping on!!! Mourn, make new meanings, savor every moment. Soon you will look back on these sad times and laugh! For real.