Where do i go from here

[Dblock10]

my ex has left, she is in america right now and as far as i know, its until the 12th of october.

 

i txt her saying goodbye and have a great time etc she replied saying thanks have fun back at uni.

 

we are still friends on face book, and recently she keeps going online. she has been online more so now than she ever did for the 7 weeks prior to actually leaving..

 

makes one of her for breaking up because of being rubbish at communication a bit odd.

 

she hasn't spoke to me whilst being online.

 

i am so tempted to speak to her and just be like, hey your on face book a lot recently.. i know you said you were a bad communicator thats one of the reasons we broke up, but you know i'd have given you all the time and space you needed so i cant understand this silence between us now. did you just not want me involved in your life anymore?

 

 

what do you think? would it be easier for me to have it out with her than to carry on seeing her online and not talking or hearing from her

[antz2411]

dood you need to get a pair and let her come to you. from my experience you never, ever, ever confront a woman. you will win the battle but usually lose the war. they will start to resent you for controlling them. what's the law of power, law 31, get others to play the cards you deal. let her come to the conclusion of going back to you if she wishes. she went overseas for a reason and thats time away from you, you keep pestering her like a fly she might just change her return date to a later date. lol get a grip bro!

[fallenheart]

OK....once again, I sound like an ******* and I'm sorry for that, but you're young and you remind me of me when I was your age and I just wanna kick myself in the ass for all the mistakes I made.

 

She didn't break up cause you were a bad communicator. That was a lie she told you to spare your feelings cause the real reason would have hurt you. And at least she was a nice enough person to not want to hurt you.

 

But the fact is, she's gone. And not just in the sense that she's on the other side of the planet. The girl you dated is gone and it sounds like she has been for a long time. She moved on. Whatever romantic feelings she had she simply doesn't feel any more, and nothing you do, say, or question her about will ever change that......in fact, the more you pester her and demand answers, the more it will try her patience, and she might actually end up being nastier to you than she was in the past.

 

She goes online and talks to the people she wants to talk to. Unfortunately, that doesn't include you anymore. The easiest way to stop torturing yourself is to simply stop looking at her info online....if you don't have the will power, erase your facebook account.

 

You agonized for weeks about writing her the perfect goodbye text....you finally sent it...

 

She got it...and she fired back a quick reply to placate you, knowing it would be the easiest way to not be bothered by you while she's on her trip. She probably took about 15 seconds to write and send the text, and it won't cross her mind again.

 

Having it out with her will only make her like you even less. You won't feel better. Did that text make you feel better?

 

Where do you go from here? Honestly? You have to get over her. And it's not something you can do easily or overnight. It takes time. But the first and most important step is to remove ALL reminders and triggers of her from your life, ESPECIALLY online.

 

If you keep looking at her facebook page, you'll be miserable forever. You will NEVER get over her.

 

Take her advice.....HAVE FUN AT UNI. Go out...be around people. Get drunk. Hit on girls in bars. Play sports. Watch movies. Go to concerts. Live your life. Stop cyber-stalking her and go outside....breathe the autumn air.....it's a new chapter of your life....it all starts now!

[Dblock10]

sorry i meant "makes one of her reasons * for breaking up with me due to her being rubbish at communication a bit odd.

 

she said i would get angry and we would argue because she isn't good at keeping in touch often.

 

shes over seas for 6 months. its something she had planned to do for years (3 years ish) whilst she was still in university.

 

i guess i have to take strength in knowing if she comes back its because she wants to not because i cornered her online whilst she's away and dug up all the drama. it probably would make her completely go off me wouldn't it.

 

fallen heart i appreciate your replies. i need tough love.

 

how old are you now then? do you think 24 is young?

 

the reasons she gave were that she didn't want any relationship stresses or worries or to fall out with me if we tried to make it work and it didn't and then not be able to see/speak to me again. she wanted a break and to see what happens once she's back, yet at the same time she isn't sure what she will be doing once back thus couldn't make any promises and that it wouldn't be practical to stay together whilst she's away for so long. she said she didn't want to have to break up but there wasn't any practical options left.

 

i dont see how she moved on, she worked 65+ weeks to save for the journey before she left. so didnt have a life as such. but i can understand how maybe her romantic feelings changed. again i dont know how that happens.

 

i dont look at any of her info online. its just when i'm online and she happens to come online do i see her. then i feel an urge to talk to her.

 

i cant delete her, or it shows something got to me. i cant delete my own face book, i need it for work and other connections in my life.

 

yeah i sent a goodbye txt she got it, and it was nice of her to reply, she replied in the early hours of the morning most likely before she boarded the plane. it was short and i guess there wasnt a lot she could say tbh.

 

maybe your right, she replied so i would not bother her whilst she's away

the txt i sent made me feel better, and it was ok/nice to hear back. but again i still feel hurt that she didnt want to make it work whilst she's away. at the same time i can totally understand why though if i put myself in her shoes. you want total freedom exploring the world not feel like you are tied down in anyway, even if you remove the whole hooking up with someone issue.

 

where i live is a trigger mate, i attend the uni where we met, its like i wont and cant remove those triggers. they are just part of my life.

 

i will take her advice, i do want fun at uni i have hit on other girls. i just feel like i may not be able to get her out of my head even with all the new things i am doing

[smudge21]

"i just feel like i may not be able to get her out of my head even with all the new things i am doing" - but you're not allowing yourself to move on and even try to get her out of your head as you're keeping her on Facebook. I bet everytime she comes online you get those butterflies in your stomach and think that this time, is the time, that she'll say what you want to hear. It will never happen!

 

Sorry mate, you know I understand your situation quite well and do understand your pain, but none of this is ever going to change until you change it. Please delete her from your Facebook.

 

Failing that, these feelings you have right now will always be there. Is that what you want?

[Dblock10]

Sorry mate, you know I understand your situation quite well and do understand your pain, but none of this is ever going to change until you change it. Please delete her from your Facebook.

 

yeah matey ill reply to you later , just off to the gym soon.

 

but first, yeah i did at first get that feeling, and now i just expect her not to talk to me. its sad. i also know she isn't going to say what i want to hear. this is what urges me to reach out.

 

i know its wrong, but i am going to keep her as a friend on fb. and i will sit it out. i don't want to delete her as its me giving up then. and i am not prepared to take on anymore regrets. i don't want to have regrets in terms of feeling like, "maybe i should have kept in touch, maybe i shouldn't have deleted her"

 

if i did reach out and have a conversation with her, and it went or ended badly then that would truly be the end. id delete her without hesitation. however like this whole situation, it leads to a catch 22 as in id regret having the "having it out convo"

[smudge21]

You're not "sitting out" anything, you're holding onto hope and refusing to let go. In turn, you're only prolonging your pain and misery, making yourself worse as you watch her life change and you stay the same.

 

I don't think you will have bad conversation with her as she kinda' likes that you're around. Yeah, she's not talking to you because she doesn't have to. You'll be there should she ever need you. A friend.

[Dblock10]

yeah i hear you, so on that note what do i do if i cant/dont want to remove her as a friend on facebook?

 

just stay nc, or lc, or "wait" for her to come back before thinking about talking to her again.. and by then see how i feel etc

[smudge21]

You already know you don't want to and can't delete her, that's why you're here now, and you will continue to feel this way until you do get to that point where you can't stand it anymore.

 

I knew what was happening with my ex, yet it took actual words on her FB that really really hurt before I deleted her. I'm guessing you won't be strong enough to delete her until you suffer that pain.

 

You shouldn't even be thinking about a time to talk to her. NC is about you having the time to heal and improve yourself. Right now, you're just a huge pile of desperation and need and even though you don't act that way around her, I garauntee she detects it and knows it. By going NC you send that message that you are moving on and you also heal. But you shouldn't do it (or LC or waiting) with the plan of talking to her later. You do it because you eventually realise it's over and no action on your part will ever get her back.

 

Sorry for being so harsh, but I feel you're going round in circles here, and I would really like for you to avoid the pain I went through, by deleting her before it comes.

[fallenheart]

Me too Smudge....I've been trying my best to get this guy to take a step back and see the bigger picture, but he's still in denial.

 

He really thinks his ex still wants to be with him and this is just temporary.

 

And all of his "what should I do?" posts aren't sincerely asking for help in getting over her and moving on with his life.

 

So yeah, he'll probably sit and pine for her for the next however many months she is on her trip, constantly checking her fb and twitter for updates, and dying inside every time she mentions some new guy or the AMAZING adventure she is having. But no, he still thinks she's coming back to him.

 

So I'm guessing it won't be until she returns and continues to avoid him and doesn't want to see or speak to him that it's maybe gonna sink in that she left him and moved on a long time ago.

 

So D-block.....you are still living in deep denial. Nothing you say or do is ever going to change the fact that she left you. She does NOT like you anymore and she never will. She doesn't care about how you feel....if you love her or hate her, it makes ZERO difference to her cause she's moved on.

 

Maybe you SHOULD write to her and hear it from her....when she tells you bluntly that it's over forever, maybe that will snap your denial and you'll be ready to move on.

 

Don't waste your life clinging to the ghost of a dead relationship. You're only 24? Still SOOO much time for wonderful things to happen! Yes, I AM older than you and I speak from experience....YEARS of my life I wasted pining away for one girl or another long after they left me....and it got me NOWHERE. I'd hate to see someone else lose all that precious time as well.

[Dblock10]

thing is, i dont look at her fb wall. that would just be hurt for no reason..

iv'e blocked her status updates so again i wont see anything.

I guess i will have to endure that pain before i click the remove friend button.

 

She cant detect it and know it, as i am not desperate and i haven't given her any signals even if thats how i may feel deep down at times. I went NC straight after the last talk and meeting with her. she had no problem going 8 weeks without saying hey to me. my nan died within that time and i never heard from her.

 

she claims she didnt see my fb wall and that she has been super busy with work.

 

I dont talk to her now because i no its over and i know no action on my part will change anything.

 

how can you say nothing i do will ever get her back though, that seems really negative, its not like i cheated on her or she cheated on me, its just unlucky circumstances that pulled us apart and an uncertain future because we are both young and are at slightly different points in life.

 

i appreciate you want me to avoid pain but i am in pain now a mild pain, as long as i stay away from her wall and photos i wont get a shock.

 

although i do agree that i will probably reach the point of del her once it becomes unbearable

 

 

I guess i am in denial, and when you write it like how you have it made me feel down. It hurts to think she really doesn't want to be with me ever again. i cant accept that. its so rubbish. She isn't better than me, so why do i have her so high up on a pedestal.

 

i guess i feel huge regret for putting a negative spin on our relationship and where it was or wasn't heading. but maybe she would have come to the same conclusion anyway herself hadn't i mentioned anything.

 

it was quite irresponsible of her to just act like the 6 months travel wasn't coming closer and closer. she felt it was all fine that she "had told me from the start she was going to go"

 

as if that would be ok despite the fact we were together for 7 months. I do miss her and wonder what she could be up to. i find it hard to look to the future and not see her with me or without her in it. i dont however check her updates or stalk her.

 

 

Maybe you are right, it wont be until she returns and continues to avoid me and not talk to me, will i finally get the "picture" and finally click. and yeah by then she would have moved on an awful long time ago

 

wish this wasnt or didnt happen. i never thought i'd still be thinking about her now, i thought the 2-3 months before she left would have helped me to move on and get myself together. not be feeling like i screwed it all away and was naive enough to think she would want to actually see me once she's back.

 

 

i dont want to write her and hear it from her or i'll believe it was because of my weak desperate contact that drove her to that point.

 

i know what you mean about clinging on the a ghost of a dead relationship, ive dont it before and when you finally move on you think to yourself, gah! wish i didnt spend all that time thinking about her

 

yeah i am 24 at uni, starting second year, and saving to travel for a year once i graduate.

[smudge21]

You say a lot of things and it seems you can clearly see how this all is, yet you continue to feel hurt and not willing to totally 100% try and move on, just always wanting to keep a doorway open for her.

 

You say it right there: acceptance. It's the hardest thing to do, accept that something is over and it takes us a long time. You can't force it to happen, but you can help it by removing the things that keep you connected to her.

 

What are those things? Well just look back and work out what happens everytime just before you feel down - is it seeing her online, maybe having quiet moments when you think about the past... whatever it is, that's what needs to change in order for you to heal.

 

Nothing you do now will get her back - that is garaunteed. How can I say this? Simple, because you are still in love with her and she is not in love with you, therefore your way of communicating with her is always going to be different to her way of communicating with you (as opposed to when two people are in love or are both friends). Plus, you won't be able to react correctly to her right now. Don't believe me? Okay, try to think how you would react if she sent a text right now, simply saying "hi, how are you, hope you're okay, speak soon, x"... be honest, you'd be like so many of us in that your heart would skip a beat and it would build you up, all that hope would be increased and it would feel great. Sadly, it's nothing more than breadcrumbs, a simple way for her to test the water and feed her ego. From that high you'd get, would come a great low as you'd reply back (as many of us would, not saying you're the only one here) expecting more than she's offering.

 

So because of the way you feel, there is nothing you can do right now to get her back. You need a clear head and you need to heal (ever read the Laws of Attraction). Any contact right now, will only push her further away (well into the friend zone) and hurt you more.

 

There's still so much looking back and "maybe's" going through your head. That is a true indication of not healing, but hanging on, refusing to let go. It's not healthy and very self destructive. You're only seeing her in that rose-tinted light that you cast her in once you fell in love with her and therefore unable to walk away. I understand, we all do, so many of us have been there (some still are) which is way we're trying to make you see it from our viewpoint.

 

It's not in a nasty way, but we can see so much of ourselves in you right now; in what you're going through and doing. A lot of us made these mistakes and therefore are trying to stop you making them yourself.

 

You are in a bad way now, and yet you seem to think you can handle it when it becomes unbearable... trust me, you seriously want to avoid that. As hard as it is to walk away, it will be harder for to stay around.

 

You're giving her all the power and it's time you take it back. You're better than this and are stronger than you realise. It will hurt but you will get past it and be in a better place. How long that takes is totally up to you, but we're always going to tell it like we see it, even if that often is harsh...

 

... but don't take it personally - it's called being cruel to be kind.

[LelouchIsZero]

That was a lie she told you to spare your feelings cause the real reason would have hurt you. And at least she was a nice enough person to not want to hurt you.

 

Lying to spare someones feelings isn't a good thing to do. How does one grow/change, if they're not even aware of what their apparent flaw is? She threw in some self serving excuses. The only person it helps, is her.

 

Smudge has already given you the gist of what you need to do, Dblock -- which I suggest you heed his advice.

 

Go complete NC & start working on yourself. If she wants you back, she'll find you. If not, well then you have your answer in regards to whether it was meant to be or not. You've left the ball in her court with the message you sent her before she left, you don't need to do anything else. Staying until it "gets unbearable" isn't exactly the smartest thing to do.

 

NC really seems counter intuitive, but its for the best.

 

Goodluck,

 

Lelouch.

[JokeMan]

Have you removed her and blocked her from your FB account?

[Dblock10]

not removed or blocked her from my facebook account.

 

the problem is, i am not ready to move on from her. therefore removing her as a friend will not help my situation. Id like to think that she didnt lie to me to spare my feelings ...

 

sigh

[fallenheart]

Sounds like you're still in complete denial.

 

You're just gonna feel like complete s-h-i-t every day from now on until you somehow accept that the relationship is over.

 

It wasn't a mutual break-up.....she LEFT you. The longer you deny this fact to yourself, the worse this heartache is going to feel.

 

Nothing she says is gonna make it better....that feeling has to come from within yourself.

[silly_panda]

Sometimes we just need to hit the wall ourselves in order to wake up and really know how it feels... You can be in denial as long as you wan... No one can really help you out of it other than yourself...

 

I was there once when I was a few years younger and waited for this girl for a whole year... She told me she can't be in a relationship cause her parents not allowing, going overseas to study in a few months time... Know what happened after that..? All the things/reasons/excuses she told me, LIES... Went into a relationship with one of my best mate even having told me she can't be one cause her parents not allowing and going overseas... And then I just realized I wasted one whole year waiting for a girl who is not worth my time and feelings at all... And during the whole year I rejected a few good girls that I was interested in... I thought all I need to do is to be sincere and wait for her and eventually she will be touched by that and come back to me... Yea... That only happen in the movies and dramas... I hope you will take a shorter time than me to come to this realization that she will not be coming back... Good luck...

[antinko]

She's on Facebook because it's a cheap and easy way of communicating with people when you're not in the same country.

 

This may sound brutal, but the most loving thing you could do would be to totally let her go for both of your sakes.

[Dblock10]

argh

 

so what do i do. tell her i'm going to move on and i think its best we dont remain on each others facebook if we are not going to talk

[smudge21]

You don't tell her anything. You already said goodbye once. She doesn't deserve or care that you're going, so why tell her. All telling her will do is open communication. What happens if you tell her and her reply is simply "bye then..."

 

Just do it.

[Dblock10]

thats the point though, she doesnt ignore me, she talks to me so long as I talk to her first.

 

she has never made the first move..

[antinko]

Yep, if she doesn't make the first move, then she's just being nice because you seem like a nice guy to her. Honestly, you're just bringing all this hurt upon yourself now.

 

She is gone. She isn't coming back. Yes, it sucks. However, you will find someone more suitable for you if you don't bother to talk to her at all.

 

I would say to block her on FB but I doubt you'll do that, nor will you de-friend her. What I do suggest is, as above, to not initiate any contact with her.

[silly_panda]

Yep, if she doesn't make the first move, then she's just being nice because you seem like a nice guy to her. Honestly, you're just bringing all this hurt upon yourself now.

 

She is gone. She isn't coming back. Yes, it sucks. However, you will find someone more suitable for you if you don't bother to talk to her at all.

 

I would say to block her on FB but I doubt you'll do that, nor will you de-friend her. What I do suggest is, as above, to not initiate any contact with her.

 

 

This is always true...

[Dblock10]

thanks guys

 

yeah i do believe you about finding someone more suitable... eventually, but gah it may take a long long time but yeah it will more than likely happen. firstly i am not looking for another girl, which is a strange feeling for me as for once i dont care about being with another girl :S

 

secondly because i am not looking, i could be this way for a long time. i remember how magical it all was when i first met this girl, and going to see her at her house after new year. it was just really nice, she was a perfect gf type of girl. I hadnt been in a relationship for 2.5 maybe 3 years, and its because of trust issues and how i'd been burnt in the past. so i totally gave my self to this girl and removed all my fears and walls that i had up. (sounds so lame but its true). i thought this could be the one easily.

 

Yeah i guess if she doesnt make the first move then she is just being nice as she knows i am nice to her, sigh... I am not bothering to talk to her, but i keep feeling so so so so so so WEAK when i see her pop up on the fb chat.

 

its like so many have said, i should block and delete her, so i cannot see anything. i just know its going to get more painful when i see her in a profile picture, photo with guys, looking like she is on cloud nine. argh it pains just thinking about her little smiley face right now doing that. GOD I NEED TO MOVE ON. can u block without de-friending?

 

maybe that will drive me over the edge and ill remove her, even then though I just feel immature doing that, like i cant be a man and except what has happened. She isnt exactly deleting me from her fb. so she doesnt mind me seeing what she is up to or being a click away from contact.

 

Its very hard not to initiate contact with her but i need solid reasons not to. i guess i am in denial. its weird to think she is on the travels now. but i do honestly hope she enjoys it. she does deserve it.

Edited October 1, 2011 by Dblock10

[fallenheart]

She didn't delete you because she doesn't care either way whether you see her updates or pictures or whatever.

 

And if you do delete her, she won't care either. Nobody will think you're immature or less of a man. If anything, it seems weaker to NOT remove her. Why keep a reminder of a girl that has moved on a long time ago?

 

You're not dating anymore. You're not even FRIENDS anymore.

 

Part of being in denial is you looking into things and finding meaning where there really isn't any. The fact that she never deleted you means NOTHING.

 

Delete her. Move on. Stop thinking about her and what she "deserves" and start thinking about yourself and what YOU deserve!!!