bluenightowl Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 There is lots of talk of talking about dating only one person before sex, but sometimes moments of passion occur. Have you ever stopped a guy/girl when things got heated to ask him/her if they are dating anyone else or possibly even exclusivity. Would you even have the discipline to do that when your hormones are raging. How did you manage that important conversation in the moment of passion or did you simply give in to your instinct and urges? Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 I think it's time for you to take a break from your attempts to analyze every nuance of when a couple decide to become exclusive. It's different for all people - it can be organic and not controlled, and often is that way. You have made about a dozen threads about this, from one angle or another. Take a break! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 I think it's time for you to take a break from your attempts to analyze every nuance of when a couple decide to become exclusive. It's different for all people - it can be organic and not controlled, and often is that way. You have made about a dozen threads about this, from one angle or another. Take a break! This is a public forum and we all learn from each other not just the OP. Take a break from being judgemental. Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Have you ever stopped a guy/girl when things got heated to ask him/her if they are dating anyone else or possibly even exclusivity. Would you even have the discipline to do that when your hormones are raging. That's a terrible time to have that conversation! If the exclusivity talk is important to you, bring it up before you find yourself in this situation. If you somehow find yourself in this situation anyway, try to exhibit some self-control. You could say something like "I'm not quite ready for sex yet because I want to wait until we're exclusive, but I'm happy to do other stuff with you in the meantime." Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 This is a public forum and we all learn from each other not just the OP. Take a break from being judgemental. I'm actually not a very judgmental person, and my post to you was not judgmental either. I was sincere in my suggestion that you might want to step away from your analyzing many either real or hypothetical situations that are all within a hair's breadth of being identical to one another. To respond to your post: If you ware having "a moment of passion" with me, and stopped the action to ask, "Are you seeing anyone else?" I would not feel passionate anymore, and would probably think you were a little bit weird. From my perspective, if you care whether I'm seeing someone else or not, this would be something to discuss before the "moment of passion" was permitted to occur. If it hadn't been discussed, or our relationship hadn't developed to the point where we each knew where one another was coming from with regards to such things, I would naturally presume that you didn't care one way or the other. A moment of passion is a terrible time to try to have a discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 A moment of passion is a terrible time to try to have a discussion. I agree with you. I think if you are in the middle of sex and then stop a person, that would seem very odd. However, if someone is becoming very sexual with you and nothing had been discussed at that point, its not really like you had a choice in the matter to discuss it before they made such moves. I imagine you would need to stop them, right then and there and see where they stood? Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 I imagine you would need to stop them, right then and there and see where they stood? No, but you could stop them right then and there, just to prevent them from going any further. You don't need to discuss it right at that moment. It would definitely kill the mood. Just accept the fact that you won't be having sex that night and continue kissing her or whatever. Have the discussion later. Link to post Share on other sites
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 No, but you could stop them right then and there, just to prevent them from going any further. You don't need to discuss it right at that moment. It would definitely kill the mood. Just accept the fact that you won't be having sex that night and continue kissing her or whatever. Have the discussion later. this. ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 No, but you could stop them right then and there, just to prevent them from going any further. You don't need to discuss it right at that moment. It would definitely kill the mood. Just accept the fact that you won't be having sex that night and continue kissing her or whatever. Have the discussion later. Do you know any men that have ever done that? Wouldn't a women feel very rejected? Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 I don't personally know any men who have ever done that because I've never been the one to push for sex. Guys have never had to tell me to slow down, lol. But I don't think the woman would feel rejected, as long as you make it clear that you really like her and you want sex with her to be special. Besides, she can't really feel rejected by a guy who's still making out with her. Or you could lie and say you can't have sex now because it's that time of the month. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 I don't personally know any men who have ever done that because I've never been the one to push for sex. Guys have never had to tell me to slow down, lol. But I don't think the woman would feel rejected, as long as you make it clear that you really like her and you want sex with her to be special. Besides, she can't really feel rejected by a guy who's still making out with her. Or you could lie and say you can't have sex now because it's that time of the month. You see why most men would just go for it in such a situation. I really think it takes enormous willpower on a man's side to hold back in such situations and most never do. Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 You can do it! Ask for a hand job instead, lol. And give her one too. Then you can both be satisfied without sex. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 However, if someone is becoming very sexual with you and nothing had been discussed at that point, its not really like you had a choice in the matter to discuss it before they made such moves. I imagine you would need to stop them, right then and there and see where they stood? Seems like a very odd situation to be in. If you are dating someone and exclusivity is important to you, it would be in your best interest to have the conversation before having sex or doing anything physical that would indicate that sex was on the agenda. And unless you are poor at reading people and/or situations, you would probably be able to tell when the situation would escalate to that point. I think it highly improbable that you'd get into a situation where you are effectively 'jumped' without any pre-warning. If you were, that's called sexual assault and you should be talking to the police not posting on an internet forum about, "wait, should I have asked him/her if he/she is seeing someone else." Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 Seems like a very odd situation to be in. If you are dating someone and exclusivity is important to you, it would be in your best interest to have the conversation before having sex or doing anything physical that would indicate that sex was on the agenda. And unless you are poor at reading people and/or situations, you would probably be able to tell when the situation would escalate to that point. I think it highly improbable that you'd get into a situation where you are effectively 'jumped' without any pre-warning. If you were, that's called sexual assault and you should be talking to the police not posting on an internet forum about, "wait, should I have asked him/her if he/she is seeing someone else." good grief. Who said anything about being 'jumped'. You should be very careful about saying "you would probably be able to tell when the situation would escalate to that point". How many times have we heard this fallacy, but its usually directed at women. I really think the gender differences are slowing their colours well here in this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 (edited) good grief. Who said anything about being 'jumped'. You should be very careful about saying "you would probably be able to tell when the situation would escalate to that point". How many times have we heard this fallacy, but its usually directed at women. I really think the gender differences are slowing their colours well here in this thread. Whoa there! That's how I read your post about not having time to discuss. If that's not how you meant it to come across then so be it. However, I still reiterate that if something is important enough for you to interrupt a moment of passion (mutually agreed passion) then you should bring it up beforehand. I just don't see why both participants don't have ample opportunity to discuss what's important to them before having sex. And if you want to have a gender war on this thread, be my guest. But it doesn't seem a very productive way to have an open discussion, in my opinion. Edited September 29, 2011 by january2011 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 However, I still reiterate that if something is important enough for you to interrupt a moment of passion (mutually agreed passion) then you should bring it up beforehand. I just don't see why both participants don't have ample opportunity to discuss what's important to them before having sex. Perhaps its more like this. You are dating getting to know one another. Very light fun stuff. Then one night things start to move beyond kissing, whatever and she is the one moving it in that direction. Sometimes things don't get discussed up to that point. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 (edited) Perhaps its more like this. You are dating getting to know one another. Very light fun stuff. Then one night things start to move beyond kissing, whatever and she is the one moving it in that direction. Sometimes things don't get discussed up to that point. In my opinion and experience, this kind of scenario comes from making assumptions and not communicating beforehand, which I think another poster mentioned upthread. I can see why young and inexperienced daters might get into these situations but I think that if something is important to you before you move forward and sleep with someone, it really needs to be discussed before getting hot and heavy. It's worth getting the "are you seeing anyone else?" question out of the way early on in dating if that is an important criteria in deciding whether or not you sleep with someone. I like to ask it when I'm getting to know someone on the first date or in our messaging/email/phone/face-to-face conversations when romantic interest is being expressed, because I don't want to be with someone who is multi-dating. Edited September 29, 2011 by january2011 Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Chick Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 you'd be pretty much retarded or mentally disabled if you couldn't bring something like that up before you had sex. Unless you want herpes....and then there would be something wrong upstairs if you wanted that......again I didn't read all the other responses so I apologize if this is redundant. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 I agree with you. I think if you are in the middle of sex and then stop a person, that would seem very odd. However, if someone is becoming very sexual with you and nothing had been discussed at that point, its not really like you had a choice in the matter to discuss it before they made such moves. I imagine you would need to stop them, right then and there and see where they stood? I would not have to "stop them," because the make - out session (that I'm involved in, anyway) is a two way street. Give and take. It's not going any farther than exactly where I want it to go, also, where he wants it to go. And, I wouldn't be in a very hot and heavy situation with a guy unless I KNEW I wanted to be there … which means that I DEFINITELY know where we stand relationship wise. Could be that exclusivity is required, or could be that it doesn't matter - but it's known BEFORE that very sexual moment ever happens. Link to post Share on other sites
snug.bunny Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 For some people, commitment comes BEFORE sex and for others, commitment comes AFTER sex. And for some, no commitment before or after. I've never brought up the exclusivity discussion as a prerequisite to sex. It's not a "rule" that I follow, but rather, when I've reached that stage with someone I am dating I am already invested and have put trust in that person. I've had a long term relationship develop (twice) without discussing it beforehand, and I have also gotten burned by not discussing it beforehand. Sadly, I misjudged things incorrectly in that particular instance, and maybe the blow would have been softer if we (a) talked about exclusivity beforehand; (b) waited a bit longer; or © hadn't slept together at all. I think for people who have a history of being burned by not discussing it beforehand, should be more cautious because the consequences can be painful. Even still, there are no guarantees. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 you'd be pretty much retarded or mentally disabled if you couldn't bring something like that up before you had sex. Unless you want herpes....and then there would be something wrong upstairs if you wanted that......again I didn't read all the other responses so I apologize if this is redundant. Anyone can bring it up but as you know from these forums many many don't. You read it here on LS all the time. But that's not the question. People get into this situation a lot and btw it wasn't meant to mean in the middle of sex, but before sex at the moment when things are heading that way. How do you manage that situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Chick Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 You should be using a condom, so if you have time to pull out the condom and put it on, you have time to discuss...unless you want herpes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 (edited) I would not have to "stop them," because the make - out session (that I'm involved in, anyway) is a two way street. Give and take. It's not going any farther than exactly where I want it to go, also, where he wants it to go. And, I wouldn't be in a very hot and heavy situation with a guy unless I KNEW I wanted to be there … which means that I DEFINITELY know where we stand relationship wise. Could be that exclusivity is required, or could be that it doesn't matter - but it's known BEFORE that very sexual moment ever happens. Good post. I agree with you. What if you wanted to go further. Would you then stop for a moment to ask or wait and slow things down and talk about it later? The conversation would be about 20 seconds? Have you been tested and are you seeing anyone else, provided you felt you could trust their answers at that point. Edited September 29, 2011 by bluenightowl Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Chick Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 Ummm, yeah, just like I said, you'd have to be retarded or mentally deficient to not be able to say something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 (edited) Ummm, yeah, just like I said, you'd have to be retarded or mentally deficient to not be able to say something. You're missing the point. Its not that you are able to say something. Its how you handle the situation. Edited September 29, 2011 by bluenightowl Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts