Asking if they are seeing anyone else in that moment of passion

[oaks]

You're missing the point. Its not that you are able to say something. Its how you handle the situation.

 

For the first several dates I don't invite her to my place and I don't go to her place, so at that stage we're unlikely to get into that situation of things being too sexual too soon. By that time I've probably asked if she's seeing anyone else.

 

I know it's entirely possible to go back to someone's house/apartment/tent and not have sex, but if getting into a sexual situation too soon (eg because you haven't had certain important conversations) is a concern then don't go to places where that might happen (or be prepared to say "stop").

 

What am I missing?

[bluenightowl]

For the first several dates I don't invite her to my place and I don't go to her place, so at that stage we're unlikely to get into that situation of things being too sexual too soon. By that time I've probably asked if she's seeing anyone else.

 

I know it's entirely possible to go back to someone's house/apartment/tent and not have sex, but if getting into a sexual situation too soon (eg because you haven't had certain important conversations) is a concern then don't go to places where that might happen (or be prepared to say "stop").

 

What am I missing?

 

I think that's about right. Looking at all these threads the key seems to be to very simple. Good, clear communication.

 

I would only add, that rather than be prepared to say stop, just be prepared to have a quick chat about it, or just move away from get potential sexual situation until there is a good time to talk about it as some other posters suggested.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Assuming that you're in control of yourself and all your faculties (i.e. not talking about a situation where you find yourself drunkenly making out with somebody you just encountered in a bar),

 

just simply let the relationship and communication develop ahead of the sexual aspect. Since, obviously, such things are of concern to you.

 

Frankly, from your numerous threads with the same theme, I'm wondering if you are just wanting to get into an exclusive relationship with whatever woman you can make out with who is not involved with anyone else. I think that's kind of backwards.

 

Are you after a relationship, or just some kind of FWB thing where neither of you is having sex with other people?

 

If you want a "RELATIONSHIP," then it needs to develop and grow; the two of you will get to know one another. The question of whether you or she are seeing other people usually needs to be dealt with well in advance of the sexual event, if you are looking to be in a multi dimensional relationship.

 

If you are just going to address this important keystone issue because you are in a "moment of passion," I don't think you have much in place to base a relationship on anyway, and you would appear to be in a situation more akin to "casual sex," or at least to be a guy who was on board for casual sex.

 

If that's the case, then ask away during the moment of passion, in hopes that the moment won't dissipate completely.

[bluenightowl]

If you want a "RELATIONSHIP," then it needs to develop and grow; the two of you will get to know one another. The question of whether you or she are seeing other people usually needs to be dealt with well in advance of the sexual event, if you are looking to be in a multi dimensional relationship.

 

Why? Its not so hard to ask to take a quick pause and ask if you are seeing anyone else? Its happened to me by other women a few times and it was no big deal. A mature caring person, will not be phased by it, and might instead welcome the communication.

 

Not every situation starts so calculated that we have that moment to ask well before passion erupts and I would not want to trade in some of the more spontaneous moments of passion. They are often great memories.

 

If you are just going to address this important keystone issue because you are in a "moment of passion," I don't think you have much in place to base a relationship on anyway, and you would appear to be in a situation more akin to "casual sex," or at least to be a guy who was on board for casual sex.

 

I really don't see the connect between addressing if they are seeing anyone else .. well just before a moment of passion and the quality of the potential new relationship.

[Cypress25]

I would only add, that rather than be prepared to say stop, just be prepared to have a quick chat about it, or just move away from get potential sexual situation until there is a good time to talk about it as some other posters suggested.

 

I don't think anyone suggested having a quick chat about it right then and there, and then proceeding with sex. In fact, everyone is saying you shouldn't do that. It's bad timing and it would probably kill the mood for her. Besides, when you're caught up in a passionate moment, it's easy to lie just to get what you want. This is not the time to ask a woman if she's had an STD test!

 

These topics are too heavy for a "quick chat" when you're both half-naked. If you're talking about exclusivity and STD risk, a real conversation is required. Right before sex is not the time to discuss such things.

 

I see your dilemma. You don't think you'd be able to stop. But you ARE capable, if you care enough to exhibit some self-control. You don't have to walk away with blue balls either. Just get each other off another way. It can be done without having sex, you know.

[Nexus One]

The solution is simple.

 

The first thing I ask a girl/woman I like is her name, the second thing is if she's single or already involved with another guy. That might sound like a direct approach and it is, but you have to word it well and explain yourself a bit in the sense that you like to get to know her better and take her out to dinner or something like that.

 

If she's already involved with another guy, then no game. As simple as that.

Edited September 30, 2011 by Nexus One

[bluenightowl]

The solution is simple.

 

The first thing I ask a girl/woman I like is her name, the second thing is if she's single or already involved with another guy. That might sound like a direct approach and it is, but you have to word it well and explain yourself a bit in the sense that you like to get to know her better and take her out to dinner or something like that.

 

If she's already involved with another guy, then no game. As simple as that.

 

Its good advice, but I'm slightly different in my approach as I don't mind if women are dating other men in the first few dates when we are just getting to know one another.

 

Its usually around date 4-8 that sex happens. Perhaps I'm more go with the flow than many people here, but sometimes I do just find myself in situations where things head towards sex, sometimes unplanned. For example, you might just have been going out for coffee, or dinner and then suddenly one night you're invited back to their place. Sometimes by that point the "are you dating anyone else has already come up" and sometimes it hasn't.

[bluenightowl]

I don't think anyone suggested having a quick chat about it right then and there, and then proceeding with sex. In fact, everyone is saying you shouldn't do that. It's bad timing and it would probably kill the mood for her. Besides, when you're caught up in a passionate moment, it's easy to lie just to get what you want. This is not the time to ask a woman if she's had an STD test!

 

These topics are too heavy for a "quick chat" when you're both half-naked. If you're talking about exclusivity and STD risk, a real conversation is required. Right before sex is not the time to discuss such things.

 

I see your dilemma. You don't think you'd be able to stop. But you ARE capable, if you care enough to exhibit some self-control. You don't have to walk away with blue balls either. Just get each other off another way. It can be done without having sex, you know.

 

The dilemma is not about being able to stop at all and find other things to do that are similar to sex. Not at all. I don't really care if it spoils the moment, because if she told me she was dating another guy at that point, not only is the moment spoiled but so is dating me. If she is willing to have sex with me, she better only be dating me, or she's out.

 

If I stopped a women from having sex for a few moments before we got to sex, a women that wanted to date myself only and wanted to have sex with me, I really doubt me asking would spoil that moment for her at all. I would think she would be delighted. As I've said, I've had a few women ask me at such a moment. It was awkward for 2 seconds, until we both agreed and it then made the sex better.

 

I think its BS to have to avoid sex without saying why to your partner, and then find a future date to talk about it. That's also very awkward and often confusing for either party, and then to make her wait perhaps 2-3 days in the future to ask her and talk about it when she might already being feeling rejected or wondering why he wasn't into her advances. Better to communicate.

 

Overall however, I agree its better to be clear about these things before hand, but that doesn't always happen.

[Cypress25]

If I stopped a women from having sex for a few moments before we got to sex, a women that wanted to date myself only and wanted to have sex with me, I really doubt me asking would spoil that moment for her at all.

 

I can't speak for other women, but if I were the type to have sex before having the relationship talk, asking these questions at the last second would kill the mood for me. Even if I wanted to be exclusive with the guy, it would be jarring for me to have him bring it up just as we're about to have sex. It would also make me wonder why he didn't bring it up before.

 

I think its BS to have to avoid sex without saying why to your partner, and then find a future date to talk about it.

 

You should absolutely explain why you're not ready for sex just yet. You can do that without asking questions.

 

That's also very awkward and often confusing for either party, and then to make her wait perhaps 2-3 days in the future to ask her and talk about it when she might already being feeling rejected or wondering why he wasn't into her advances. Better to communicate.

 

Who said anything about 2-3 days? Talk about it the next day. Don't let it linger too long. In the meantime, make sure your actions communicate that you do really like the girl.

[bluenightowl]

I can't speak for other women, but if I were the type to have sex before having the relationship talk, asking these questions at the last second would kill the mood for me. Even if I wanted to be exclusive with the guy, it would be jarring for me to have him bring it up just as we're about to have sex. It would also make me wonder why he didn't bring it up before.

 

but you are speaking hypothetically then, since this isn't how you behave. Jarring? I think a women who doesn't care to ask about the relationship status before sex and who is instigating sex is already a women is likely able to handle a 10 second chat. If the women wants sex and is instigating, I doubt that's going to stop her esp. if she wants to only date this one guy.

[Cypress25]

The thing is, you'll need more than a 10-second chat. It's possible that the woman hasn't given any thought to the possibility of an exclusive relationship, and she might need a minute to think about it. It's a bit startling to be on the verge of sex and have your partner suddenly be like "Do you want to be exclusive? Yes or no? Hurry up, I need a definitive answer right this second! Oh, and you've been tested for STDs and you're clean, right? Right?!"

 

Do you see the problem with that? These are important questions that you're asking the girl, and you need to have a real conversation about it. It's not fair to throw these questions at her when she's least expecting it and give her only a few seconds to answer. What if she has questions of her own? What if she wants to talk about it more? This kind of conversation shouldn't be rushed.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I suppose it is matter of opinion on what constitutes a 'moment of passion'.

 

I'd argue that neither person is in a position to be thinking clearly in those moments. gotta love how nature tricks us into reproducing!! (despite all of the science that has diverted that, thank god!)

 

Even people who WANT to be honest, will likely be fooling themselves because it feels soooo good.

 

So, better to not put oneself in that position until you can verify that someone's words and actions line up...

 

No going over to someone's house. No parking in dark lots... all the stupid stuff our parents told us not to do when we were teenagers.

[ThsAmericanLife]

but you are speaking hypothetically then, since this isn't how you behave. Jarring? I think a women who doesn't care to ask about the relationship status before sex and who is instigating sex is already a women is likely able to handle a 10 second chat. If the women wants sex and is instigating, I doubt that's going to stop her esp. if she wants to only date this one guy.

 

 

It wouldn't be jarring to me. I'd be glad.

 

But I've lived and learned... I'm the one asking the questions... and have also learned that anything said in the moment of passion is usually BS.

 

or, not quite BS... but not quite the truth either.

[bluenightowl]

The thing is, you'll need more than a 10-second chat. It's possible that the woman hasn't given any thought to the possibility of an exclusive relationship, and she might need a minute to think about it. It's a bit startling to be on the verge of sex and have your partner suddenly be like "Do you want to be exclusive? Yes or no? Hurry up, I need a definitive answer right this second! Oh, and you've been tested for STDs and you're clean, right? Right?!"

 

Do you see the problem with that? These are important questions that you're asking the girl, and you need to have a real conversation about it. It's not fair to throw these questions at her when she's least expecting it and give her only a few seconds to answer. What if she has questions of her own? What if she wants to talk about it more? This kind of conversation shouldn't be rushed.

 

I agree that these are important questions and I agree its better to have the talk before such a moment of passion happens. I don't agree that its not fair to ask. Do you really think she has questions of her own? She's not asking is she, she is instigating sex. Fine if she wants to talk about it more, then talk about it more and delay sex for another time. I would be fine with that.

 

I really wouldn't care if she were startled. She's be startled one way or another to either talk about it or face rejection of her instigating sex. And you're right, hurry up is right, because perhaps its time she thinks about what she wants and how it might affect the other person(s) before instigating sex. If she says she doesn't know what she wants, that's a good indication of someone you should not continue to date.

[bluenightowl]

But I've lived and learned... I'm the one asking the questions... and have also learned that anything said in the moment of passion is usually BS.

 

or, not quite BS... but not quite the truth either.

 

+1 That is very likely the case, so then given for whatever reason you find yourself in that situation, what have you done in the past?

[Cypress25]

I can't help but notice that you're setting her up as "the instigator" and setting yourself up as "the passive receiver" in this scenario of yours. A girl can't instigate sex without your permission (assuming she isn't raping you). Whenever she initiates anything, you have a choice: you can go along with it or you can put a stop to it. If you go along with it, you have to take responsibility for that. Stop blaming the girl for putting you in this position.

 

And you're right, hurry up is right, because perhaps its time she thinks about what she wants and how it might affect the other person(s) before instigating sex.

 

If you let it get this far, that's not her fault. She's not forcing you to do anything. You could have stopped her at any moment. Instead you waited until the last possible second before suddenly deciding that she has some thinking to do. Why weren't you thinking? If you're going along with it, naturally she'll assume that you're OK with it. If you're not OK with it, you need to speak up well before you get to the point where you're both naked. You're both equally responsible for this situation, so don't act like she brought you to this point against your will. "Hurry up" is a terrible way to initiate an important conversation. Pressuring her to answer under duress is not the way to go.

 

I really wouldn't care if she were startled.

 

Showing no consideration for a woman's feelings is one way to get dumped. If you want to be exclusive with her, maybe you should care about her feelings a little more.

[wheream_i]

There is lots of talk of talking about dating only one person before sex, but sometimes moments of passion occur.

 

Have you ever stopped a guy/girl when things got heated to ask him/her if they are dating anyone else or possibly even exclusivity. Would you even have the discipline to do that when your hormones are raging.

 

How did you manage that important conversation in the moment of passion or did you simply give in to your instinct and urges?

 

Here's what would happen if I was dating you and you asked me that during sex:

 

If the answer was yes, I'm exclusive, I would go limp in a heartbeat.

If the answer was no, I'm not, you would dry up and kick me out of bed.

 

Either way, not exactly a great time to ask that question. I'm sorry and embarrassed for you that you think it is a good time to ask that.

Edited October 4, 2011 by wheream_i

[Mme. Chaucer]

I can't help but notice that you're setting her up as "the instigator" and setting yourself up as "the passive receiver" in this scenario of yours. A girl can't instigate sex without your permission (assuming she isn't raping you). Whenever she initiates anything, you have a choice: you can go along with it or you can put a stop to it. If you go along with it, you have to take responsibility for that. Stop blaming the girl for putting you in this position

.

 

I know. That's why I find this thread, OP, and all of your responses frustrating.

 

A "mature and caring person," as you put it - will NOT be in this position, unless they do not care whether the other person is exclusive or not.

 

If some gal is climbing you like a tree and you don't know whether she has one or seven other sex partners, and she doesn't know whether you do - she DOES NOT CARE, and YOU don't care very much either, or you'd know her already. That's NOT a "mature and caring" situation. That's a horny, spur of the moment situation. Which is just fine, if that's what both of you want - and evidently it is, or you would not have maneuvered yourself into such a situation.

 

You keep saying that "sex usually happens" between 4 - 8 dates. How on Earth can you go on 4 - 8 dates, be getting physical, and not know yet whether she's multi-dating? That's not really a common social circumstance. And forget about how you don't know because you are "keeping it fun an light." Dating is about getting to know another person, usually. Whether they have a trove of Lotharios on the sidelines would be something to find out about, and it would not take a tremendously awkward situation to do so.

 

Anyway, stopping sexual activity that YOU have been participating in to have "this chat" WILL ruin the mood at that moment, and dramatically decrease your chances of ever seeing the lust crazed woman again.

 

Here's what would happen if I was dating you and you asked me that during sex:

 

If the answer was yes, I'm exclusive, I would go limp in a heartbeat.

If the answer was no, I'm not, you would dry up and kick me out of bed.

 

Either way, not exactly a great time to ask that question. I'm sorry and embarrassed for you that you think it is a good time to ask that.

 

Me too (the bolded).

[bluenightowl]

Here's what would happen if I was dating you and you asked me that during sex:

 

If the answer was yes, I'm exclusive, I would go limp in a heartbeat.

If the answer was no, I'm not, you would dry up and kick me out of bed.

 

Either way, not exactly a great time to ask that question. I'm sorry and embarrassed for you that you think it is a good time to ask that.

 

btw. I'm a guy and the scenario was the man looking for a LTR asking the women who wanted to have sex with him. Its not during sex either, but before sex... likely leading to sex.

 

But lets take your scenario.. So let me get this straight. You're really interested in a woman and want to only date her. You're having sex and for whatever reason she stops you and she's asks you if you're dating anyone else and you go limp?

 

Sorry, a beautiful hot sexy woman that I want to have sex with who just basically told me she only wants to have sex with me, I really doubt that would scare or turn any part of me off, other than for moment of the conversation, but yes it was not meant to mean it was during sex and at that point it is a bit late to be asking.

Edited October 5, 2011 by bluenightowl

[wheream_i]

btw. I'm a guy and the scenario was the man looking for a LTR asking the women who wanted to have sex with him. Its not during sex either, but before sex... likely leading to sex.

 

But lets take your scenario.. So let me get this straight. You're really interested in a woman and want to only date her. You're having sex and for whatever reason she stops you and she's asks you if you're dating anyone else and you go limp?

 

Sorry, a beautiful hot sexy woman that I want to have sex with who just basically told me she only wants to have sex with me, I really doubt that would scare or turn any part of me off, other than for moment of the conversation, but yes it was not meant to mean it was during sex and at that point it is a bit late to be asking.

 

Sorry about that, your question just seemed to come from a feminine point of view. Your question was if anyone has ever asked the other if they were exclusive in the heat of passion. That either means during sex (BUZZKILL!!) or right when it starts getting hot and heavy (STILL A BUZZKILL!!). Which is why I answered the way I did. Did it not occur to you to ask, I don't know, any other time that it might be more appropriate? Basically anytime you're not about to have sex.

[bluenightowl]

Sorry about that, your question just seemed to come from a feminine point of view. Your question was if anyone has ever asked the other if they were exclusive in the heat of passion. That either means during sex (BUZZKILL!!) or right when it starts getting hot and heavy (STILL A BUZZKILL!!). Which is why I answered the way I did. Did it not occur to you to ask, I don't know, any other time that it might be more appropriate? Basically anytime you're not about to have sex.

 

I'm not disputing the timing, just asking what you would do in such a situation.

[Pasttense]

In a moment of passion, the substantial majority of the opposite sex will probably tell you what they think you want to hear.

[bluenightowl]

In a moment of passion, the substantial majority of the opposite sex will probably tell you what they think you want to hear.

 

Good point.

[FrustratedStandards]

I've never been like that. I've never dated someone I wanted all to myself, and I've never dated someone who was so attractive that I couldn't control myself.

[bluenightowl]

I've never been like that. I've never dated someone I wanted all to myself.

 

I really don't know what that means? all to yourself? So you don't care if they are screwing other people.. or some sort of way to say you're not possessive and you want her to be free.