major attempt to save LDR

[cracker2011]

Firstly sorry this is long and thanks in advance for reading.

My LDR is in bad shape..we are both just about hanging in there.

I feel the need to see him face to face because it was mainly me who caused this upset ( broke up with him due to distance -we got back together a day later tho ) - he said he is now struggling to "emotionally connect" with me again and we are finding it difficult to reconnect even though we both still love each other.

I offered to fly over to him this weekend( uk to west coast usa) but he said he didnt think it was a good idea, that we need to figure out if we can continue to do long distance before we jump back into spedning money on flights etc. it is mainly me who finds the LDR most unbearable.i love him and dont want to lose him.I asked him did he want to take a break and he said no.."breaks are for people who dont have the ball to break up" .I txt him 2 days ago saying "please try to keep me in your heart" and he replied " i cant let you go, and i dont want to.i want this to work but i need to get there"

We are together nearly a year..it has been great everytime we have met(average every 6 weeks) but i hav tried to break up with him after each time we spent together because i was scared of him breaking my heart.

anyways my question to you guys is.. its too late to go this weekend but i was thinking of going next weekend for a few days and surprising him..and only tell him when i get to the airport(usa side). obviuosly i need to suss out if he has plans for the weekend first, but do ye think this is a good idea or bad.

I want to save our relationship. he is very good to me and i dont want to lose him. i love him too much.

[KathyM]

Firstly sorry this is long and thanks in advance for reading.

My LDR is in bad shape..we are both just about hanging in there.

I feel the need to see him face to face because it was mainly me who caused this upset ( broke up with him due to distance -we got back together a day later tho ) - he said he is now struggling to "emotionally connect" with me again and we are finding it difficult to reconnect even though we both still love each other.

I offered to fly over to him this weekend( uk to west coast usa) but he said he didnt think it was a good idea, that we need to figure out if we can continue to do long distance before we jump back into spedning money on flights etc. it is mainly me who finds the LDR most unbearable.i love him and dont want to lose him.I asked him did he want to take a break and he said no.."breaks are for people who dont have the ball to break up" .I txt him 2 days ago saying "please try to keep me in your heart" and he replied " i cant let you go, and i dont want to.i want this to work but i need to get there"

We are together nearly a year..it has been great everytime we have met(average every 6 weeks) but i hav tried to break up with him after each time we spent together because i was scared of him breaking my heart.

anyways my question to you guys is.. its too late to go this weekend but i was thinking of going next weekend for a few days and surprising him..and only tell him when i get to the airport(usa side). obviuosly i need to suss out if he has plans for the weekend first, but do ye think this is a good idea or bad.

I want to save our relationship. he is very good to me and i dont want to lose him. i love him too much.

Bad idea to travel half way around the world to surprise him with a quick little visit. That's not enough to keep a relationship going. People need time together--lots of time--to keep a relationship strong and healthy. I know you have strong feelings for this guy, but wouldn't you rather have someone you can see in person on a regular basis? I think all the emotional energy people put into long distance relationships is kind of a waste, and is energy that could be spent on getting to know someone that is close enough to see regularly. I think you're cheating yourself out of a normal relationship by trying to hold onto a LDR that really doesn't work to try to maintain.

[LittleTiger]

Bad idea to travel half way around the world to surprise him with a quick little visit. That's not enough to keep a relationship going. People need time together--lots of time--to keep a relationship strong and healthy. I know you have strong feelings for this guy, but wouldn't you rather have someone you can see in person on a regular basis? I think all the emotional energy people put into long distance relationships is kind of a waste, and is energy that could be spent on getting to know someone that is close enough to see regularly. I think you're cheating yourself out of a normal relationship by trying to hold onto a LDR that really doesn't work to try to maintain.

 

I'm really curious why you post in the LDR section KathyM. What exactly are you hoping to achieve?

 

There are many people here who have successful LDRs, some who are now together full time, who are able to offer support and words of genuine advice.

 

You seem intent only to make posters feel bad about their relationship and your only advice seems to be 'end it' because LDRs are terrible.

 

That may be your opinion, or even your experience, and of course LDRs are not for everyone, but I don't see how you benefit anybody with your words of doom and gloom.

[KathyM]

I'm really curious why you post in the LDR section KathyM. What exactly are you hoping to achieve?

 

There are many people here who have successful LDRs, some who are now together full time, who are able to offer support and words of genuine advice.

 

You seem intent only to make posters feel bad about their relationship and your only advice seems to be 'end it' because LDRs are terrible.

 

That may be your opinion, or even your experience, and of course LDRs are not for everyone, but I don't see how you benefit anybody with your words of doom and gloom.

I'm posting based on the recent posts on the page--no specific topic. I'm expressing an opinion, just like everyone else. Some may agree that LDRs are doable. I don't believe it works out well in the long run normally. I've studied a lot of material on relationships over a period of many years, and do have an opinion, based on that, that in order for a relationship to develop and stay healthy, it needs time invested in person. I'm giving a perspective based on what I have learned, either through my studies or from people I have known who have been trying to make LDRs work. I'm sure there will be some people here who express the opinion that it can be a good thing and can work. I'm expressing a reality based on what I have read and heard on the subject. I think it does help to get a cross section of opinions on the subject and not just one sided opinions. I'm providing my perspective.

[LittleTiger]

cracker2011, I think your best option is to tell your bf you would like to visit and say that you think talking face to face is a good idea. I don't think surprising him is a good idea, especially after he asked you not to go.

 

I'm guessing that he doesn't want you to visit, only to have you turn around a short while later and say it's over - again. He's probably getting a little tired of the 'I can't handle this' speech.

 

If you can't handle it, then perhaps you would be happier ending it. If you don't want to end it then you have to find a way to handle it so that you don't make it more difficult for him. LDRs aren't easy for either person. Your responsibility is to take care of your own emotions - he doesn't need the added pressure of you blowing hot and cold and that kind of behaviour is likely to drive him away.

 

You will run the risk of a broken heart with any relationship, LDR or not, so if you love him, isn't the risk worth taking?

[LittleTiger]

I'm posting based on the recent posts on the page--no specific topic. I'm expressing an opinion, just like everyone else. Some may agree that LDRs are doable. I don't believe it works out well in the long run normally. I've studied a lot of material on relationships over a period of many years, and do have an opinion, based on that, that in order for a relationship to develop and stay healthy, it needs time invested in person. I'm giving a perspective based on what I have learned, either through my studies or from people I have known who have been trying to make LDRs work. I'm sure there will be some people here who express the opinion that it can be a good thing and can work. I'm expressing a reality based on what I have read and heard on the subject. I think it does help to get a cross section of opinions on the subject and not just one sided opinions. I'm providing my perspective.

 

Ok, that's your opinion, but the OP didn't ask for an opinion on whether LDRs work or not, she asked whether it was a good idea to visit her boyfriend under the current cirumstances.

 

The advice you give (and this isn't the first time) seems to be a blanket 'LDRs don't work' rather than advice for that particular person based on their particular situation.

 

Most people on this section are well aware that others don't believe in LDRs - we support each other nonetheless because we believe in our own relationships. What I'm saying is, if you can't offer support and relevant advice for the OP, why post at all?

 

You could, of course, start your own thread titled 'LDRs don't work' or something to that effect, so that we can have an open discussion and you can give the benefit of your experience to everyone instead of targeting individual posters who are going through a tough time and looking for support.

[cracker2011]

Thanks little tiger . I totally hear what you are saying.. I just thought that surprising him would show him just how much I want our ldr to work too... And seen it as a way to get back on track quicker..as you said face to face is so much easier to iron out problems. I don't like the ldr but being in an ldr with him..is better than a life without him.

 

Kathy m... I agree with little tiger. Maybe your opinion is better suited to a thread about whether ldr,s work or not.

I wasn't asking that question. Ldr are hard enough for most people without having to read comments like yours.

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree with this.

I think he will get fed up if you're breaking up, or trying to, with him after every visit, he won't know where he stands, it must be unsettling for him, I know my partner wouldn't be able to cope with me blowing hot and cold like that, I did do it for a while as I was struggling, and it wasn't fair of me and I regret it.

He must dread the end of each visit, waiting for you to break up with him again.

You really do need to decide whether you can handle the distance or not, accept it and enjoy it for what is at the moment, this is what I have learnt to do, I would rather make the most of what have rather than look at the negatives, I still struggle with things at times, but I don't burden or worry him about it as it wouldn't help, and don't feel the need to worry him if I'm struggling with it. I struggle much less that I used to, I'm happy with what we have.

I wouldn't surprise him with a visit, r/ships don't/shouldn't need grand gestures. Maybe he wants to feel more sure of things with you, because you've unsettled him, before seeing you again and investing more time into the r/ship.

 

 

cracker2011, I think your best option is to tell your bf you would like to visit and say that you think talking face to face is a good idea. I don't think surprising him is a good idea, especially after he asked you not to go.

 

I'm guessing that he doesn't want you to visit, only to have you turn around a short while later and say it's over - again. He's probably getting a little tired of the 'I can't handle this' speech.

 

If you can't handle it, then perhaps you would be happier ending it. If you don't want to end it then you have to find a way to handle it so that you don't make it more difficult for him. LDRs aren't easy for either person. Your responsibility is to take care of your own emotions - he doesn't need the added pressure of you blowing hot and cold and that kind of behaviour is likely to drive him away.

 

You will run the risk of a broken heart with any relationship, LDR or not, so if you love him, isn't the risk worth taking?

[cracker2011]

Thanks heavenorhell

I agree with you.

[Els]

I agree with HOH.

 

Kathy, you're perfectly entitled to your own opinion, but it's just irrelevant to post blanket 'LDRs don't work' statements in response to posts about a specific situation. That would be exactly like someone who doesn't believe in love, coming to LS and posting 'love never lasts, it's an illusion' to any and every post asking for relationship advice. It serves no purpose.

[HeavenOrHell]

You're welcome I hope you can work things out

 

 

 

Thanks heavenorhell

I agree with you.

[LittleTiger]

Thanks little tiger . I totally hear what you are saying.. I just thought that surprising him would show him just how much I want our ldr to work too... And seen it as a way to get back on track quicker..as you said face to face is so much easier to iron out problems. I don't like the ldr but being in an ldr with him..is better than a life without him.

 

You're welcome cracker .

 

I think the best way to show him how much you want the LDR to work is to find a way to deal with it. Surprising him is going against his wishes and suggests a lack of respect for his feelings. I'm not saying you don't respect his feelings of course, I'm sure you do or you wouldn't be asking for opinions on here, but he does need to know that when he says something you hear him.

 

I think what's really important is that you make a commitment to the relationship instead of blowing hot and cold. What you may find helpful is putting a time frame on things in terms of a 'trial period' for yourself. For instance, committing yourself to really give things a go for a period of maybe six months and agreeing with your boyfriend that you will see how you feel at that point.

 

If, in six months (or whatever the period you choose) you have been able to work out a way to deal with the LDR and you decide that you want to continue for the long haul, then great, problem solved! ( Well, not quite, but you understand what I'm saying).

 

On the other hand, if you get to the end of your 'trial period' and decide that you really can't handle the distance, then you make a clean break once and for all.

 

It's only a suggestion of course, but I do think your bf may feel safer meeting up with you, knowing that you have made this kind of commitment because he won't run the risk of you ending things as soon as you return home - which I believe is what he's currently afraid of.

[cracker2011]

thanks little tiger... im just afraid if i dont see him soon..we will fall apart...i know he is struggling to reconnect with me even tho he says he still loves me..

[KathyM]

Ok, that's your opinion, but the OP didn't ask for an opinion on whether LDRs work or not, she asked whether it was a good idea to visit her boyfriend under the current cirumstances.

 

The advice you give (and this isn't the first time) seems to be a blanket 'LDRs don't work' rather than advice for that particular person based on their particular situation.

 

Most people on this section are well aware that others don't believe in LDRs - we support each other nonetheless because we believe in our own relationships. What I'm saying is, if you can't offer support and relevant advice for the OP, why post at all?

 

You could, of course, start your own thread titled 'LDRs don't work' or something to that effect, so that we can have an open discussion and you can give the benefit of your experience to everyone instead of targeting individual posters who are going through a tough time and looking for support.

The OP asked in her first post if she should travel all that way to give the bf a surprise visit and try to work out the LDR. She wasn't asking for just approval or support to maintain a LDR. She was asking for opinions on whether she should pursue that relationship and whether she should make the trip. I expressed the opinion that I didn't think it was a good plan because LDRs are very difficult to maintain. It makes sense to give both perspectives, not just the one. I'll give my perspective, and you are free to give yours. My sister just started dating a guy who just broke up from a LDR with somebody else. This was a 5 month relationship, he had strong feelings for the woman, he flew half way across the country to try to work out which of the pair would move so that they could be together. They realized it was not going to work to try to maintain that kind of arrangement, and that they needed to see each other regularly, in person, to make it work. Hence, the breakup, and he subsequently dated my sister, a local woman, instead. I'm giving a reality that LDR are very hard to maintain, people need frequent time together in person to build a relationship and keep it healthy, and the OP may want to think about if it makes sense to invest more time, given the difficulty of making such an arrangement work.

[LittleTiger]

thanks little tiger... im just afraid if i dont see him soon..we will fall apart...i know he is struggling to reconnect with me even tho he says he still loves me..

 

I agree you need to see him soon but just turning up is a bad idea.

 

Explain how you feel - that you need to connect physically and you need to discuss your relationship face to face. I'm sure if you promise him some level of commitment (and mean it) he will change his mind about you visiting.

 

Fingers crossed anyway.

[KathyM]

Thanks little tiger . I totally hear what you are saying.. I just thought that surprising him would show him just how much I want our ldr to work too... And seen it as a way to get back on track quicker..as you said face to face is so much easier to iron out problems. I don't like the ldr but being in an ldr with him..is better than a life without him.

 

Kathy m... I agree with little tiger. Maybe your opinion is better suited to a thread about whether ldr,s work or not.

I wasn't asking that question. Ldr are hard enough for most people without having to read comments like yours.

Maybe I misinterpreted your original question. I didn't take it that you were only asking for approval to go for it, I thought you were asking if we thought it was a good idea for you to pursue it. If it's something you really want to pursue, and don't want to consider leaving it, then by all means, and I wish you luck with that.

[LittleTiger]

The OP asked in her first post if she should travel all that way to give the bf a surprise visit and try to work out the LDR. She wasn't asking for just approval or support to maintain a LDR. She was asking for opinions on whether she should pursue that relationship and whether she should make the trip. I expressed the opinion that I didn't think it was a good plan because LDRs are very difficult to maintain. It makes sense to give both perspectives, not just the one. I'll give my perspective, and you are free to give yours. My sister just started dating a guy who just broke up from a LDR with somebody else. This was a 5 month relationship, he had strong feelings for the woman, he flew half way across the country to try to work out which of the pair would move so that they could be together. They realized it was not going to work to try to maintain that kind of arrangement, and that they needed to see each other regularly, in person, to make it work. Hence, the breakup, and he subsequently dated my sister, a local woman, instead. I'm giving a reality that LDR are very hard to maintain, people need frequent time together in person to build a relationship and keep it healthy, and the OP may want to think about if it makes sense to invest more time, given the difficulty of making such an arrangement work.

 

Obviously you are entitled to give your opinion which according to this post is based on a bad experience of an LDR that your sister's boyfriend had. As I said before, there are many, many people on this section of LS who will give you a rather different story of very successful LDRs, many of which have ended in marriage or co-habiting. LDRs are difficult to maintain, no argument there, but some people are able to have rewarding relationships despite the distance. Most of us consider our LDR partner to be an exceptional person worth waiting for and we don't believe that another Mr/Ms Right just happens to live around the corner! Lucky for your sister's boyfriend that he found 'someone' so conviently located. The LDR girlfriend clearly wasn't anyone that special if they could only manage to maintain it for 5 months!

 

Seriously, if you disagree with LDRs so strongly and don't have anything more positive to say than 'LDRs don't work', why not post a thread to that effect or just stay out of the LDR forum?

 

Returning to the topic of discussion, the OP did not ask whether she should pursue the relationship - this is what she asked:

 

anyways my question to you guys is.. its too late to go this weekend but i was thinking of going next weekend for a few days and surprising him..and only tell him when i get to the airport(usa side). obviuosly i need to suss out if he has plans for the weekend first, but do ye think this is a good idea or bad.

I want to save our relationship. he is very good to me and i dont want to lose him. i love him too much.

 

From everything she said in the original post, it seems perfectly clear to me that neither cracker nor her boyfriend want to break up the relationship. Her question related specifically to the weekend visit.

[KathyM]

Obviously you are entitled to give your opinion which according to this post is based on a bad experience of an LDR that your sister's boyfriend had. As I said before, there are many, many people on this section of LS who will give you a rather different story of very successful LDRs, many of which have ended in marriage or co-habiting. LDRs are difficult to maintain, no argument there, but some people are able to have rewarding relationships despite the distance. Most of us consider our LDR partner to be an exceptional person worth waiting for and we don't believe that another Mr/Ms Right just happens to live around the corner! Lucky for your sister's boyfriend that he found 'someone' so conviently located. The LDR girlfriend clearly wasn't anyone that special if they could only manage to maintain it for 5 months!

 

Seriously, if you disagree with LDRs so strongly and don't have anything more positive to say than 'LDRs don't work', why not post a thread to that effect or just stay out of the LDR forum?

 

Returning to the topic of discussion, the OP did not ask whether she should pursue the relationship - this is what she asked:

 

 

 

From everything she said in the original post, it seems perfectly clear to me that neither cracker nor her boyfriend want to break up the relationship. Her question related specifically to the weekend visit.

My opinion is based on many things that I have read and have seen in real life. I realize this is a sensitive subject for you, since you are trying to make it work with your guy, but I do believe both sides to the dilema of trying to maintain a LDR is worth considering--not just the one side. I would agree with you that some LDRs do work out if one of the parties is eventually willing to relocate. But the OP may want to consider the risks and difficulties involved before investing more of her time in that. I think that is a valid point to make--consider the risks and the difficulty of maintaining it for the long term. The guy I mentioned had very strong feelings for the women he was trying to maintain a LDR with. He was trying to make it work, he flew there just recently to discuss how they could make it work, and if it were possible for one of them to relocate. He had a hard time giving up the woman, but realized he had to be practical and a decision had to be made to either relocate or end it. It's a very difficult decision for both parties--neither wants to leave their jobs, their family, their friends, their home--to pursue something that may or may not work out in the long term. It's a lot to give up for a gamble on a relationship, but yet, people can't live with seeing each other for just a few hours once a week or once a month if you really love someone. It's a big sacrifice either way, and I don't think it's helpful to only see the one side or to only paint a rosey picture after the OP has already had so much difficulty with it. Sometimes, it makes sense to move on, and she may want to consider it. That's all I'm saying. And I took her original post to read that both her and her bf were having a hard time of making such an arrangement work, and he was asking for space because of the difficult time they were having, and she was wondering if she should make the trip and pursue the relationship, or to take a break. So I gave my perspective, as did you. I didn't believe she only wanted people to post who only had the one perspective. I think it's helpful to get a variety of opinions. It gives food for thought, in any case. I don't feel so strongly either way, so I have no interest in starting a thread about it. I just have a perspective. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on whether the other perspective should be brought out.

[cracker2011]

Yes...my question was not about ldr working long term. It's quite upsetting reading comments about ldr's not working kathy M. For anyone in a ldr..we know ldr are hard enough...without having to hear other people saying they don't work.

I agree you're entitled to your opinion but I think your comment was more suited to a post asking if ldr's work... Which I wasn't.

 

 

Thanks little tiger again for your advice.

[KathyM]

Yes...my question was not about ldr working long term. It's quite upsetting reading comments about ldr's not working kathy M. For anyone in a ldr..we know ldr are hard enough...without having to hear other people saying they don't work.

I agree you're entitled to your opinion but I think your comment was more suited to a post asking if ldr's work... Which I wasn't.

 

 

Thanks little tiger again for your advice.

I'm sorry if I misinterpreted what you were asking, or got into an aspect of it that you didn't want to discuss. I'll limit my response, then, to provide that you should give him the space that he has asked for, and not make the trip. I think you would both benefit from time to reflect on whether such an arrangement would work, whether you want to try to make it work, without either one pressuring the other at this point. Alternatively, you could do what the guy I mentioned did. Make a trip out there, go on several dates while out there, talk about it in person to see if there is any chance either one of you could relocate, and try to come to a decision. That is what this guy did. You may want to consider it, but I would suggest giving him space and time to reflect at this point.

[LittleTiger]

My opinion is based on many things that I have read and have seen in real life. I realize this is a sensitive subject for you, since you are trying to make it work with your guy, but I do believe both sides to the dilema of trying to maintain a LDR is worth considering--not just the one side. I would agree with you that some LDRs do work out if one of the parties is eventually willing to relocate. But the OP may want to consider the risks and difficulties involved before investing more of her time in that. I think that is a valid point to make--consider the risks and the difficulty of maintaining it for the long term. The guy I mentioned had very strong feelings for the women he was trying to maintain a LDR with. He was trying to make it work, he flew there just recently to discuss how they could make it work, and if it were possible for one of them to relocate. He had a hard time giving up the woman, but realized he had to be practical and a decision had to be made to either relocate or end it. It's a very difficult decision for both parties--neither wants to leave their jobs, their family, their friends, their home--to pursue something that may or may not work out in the long term. It's a lot to give up for a gamble on a relationship, but yet, people can't live with seeing each other for just a few hours once a week or once a month if you really love someone. It's a big sacrifice either way, and I don't think it's helpful to only see the one side or to only paint a rosey picture after the OP has already had so much difficulty with it. Sometimes, it makes sense to move on, and she may want to consider it. That's all I'm saying. And I took her original post to read that both her and her bf were having a hard time of making such an arrangement work, and he was asking for space because of the difficult time they were having, and she was wondering if she should make the trip and pursue the relationship, or to take a break. So I gave my perspective, as did you. I didn't believe she only wanted people to post who only had the one perspective. I think it's helpful to get a variety of opinions. It gives food for thought, in any case. I don't feel so strongly either way, so I have no interest in starting a thread about it. I just have a perspective. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on whether the other perspective should be brought out.

 

Kathy, I think you're missing the point.

 

People who frequent the LDR forum are very well aware of the negative side of LDRs - far more aware than you are! We really don't need reminding about how difficult it is - we live with those difficulties every single day! Nobody paints a rosy picture of our situations - nobody!

 

The fact is, it is possible to make LDRs work.

 

Yes, of course this is a very sensitive subject for me (for all of us on the LDR forum) and I particularly object to the section of your post that I have bolded. On the contrary Kathy, people CAN and DO live with seeing each other for just a few hours once a week or once a month (or once every few months!) - people who really, really love each other. Just because you can't do it, or your sister's boyfriend couldn't do it, doesn't mean that others can't.

 

How do you think military men or oil rig workers, for example, manage to maintain romantic relationships? Would you recommend that, because the men are too busy fighting for their country, their women should find someone closer to home because you believe people can't live with seeing each other for just a few hours once a week or once a month if you really love someone.

 

Most people use this forum to get support and advice about specific problems within their particular LDR and sometimes even to report on how excited they are about something. We have a little 'family' here who help each other through the tough times.

 

You're more than welcome to join us - it's a public forum after all - but what I'm saying is this section of LS is not like a lot of the others. You wouldn't go on the separation and divorce section and post that most marriages don't work out so you might as well give up without a fight and move on - at least I hope you wouldn't - but that's the equivalent of what you're doing here.

 

It's not about agreeing to disagree on whether the bad stuff should be brought out. We know about the bad stuff, we're all here to help each other through the bad stuff. In fact most of us are pretty much experts on the 'the bad stuff'.

 

If someone asks directly if they should end their LDR then perhaps a response of 'yes, if you're not happy ......' is appropriate, but in most instances, people are asking for support - however they choose to word it. You are, of course, entitled to express your opinion, wherever and however you choose but if you post 'LDRs don't work' on an LDR forum where people are fighting to keep their relationships alive and seeking solace from others in a similar situation, don't be surprised if there's some backlash.

[cracker2011]

So i txt him today saying i had booked a flight to see him at weekend..

and he replied i cant just do that without discussing it with him first.he again said that we need to figure out if we have a future together before he will let me spend so much on flights etc etc.he said that if he let me come over that it wud be selfish of him and he wud be taking advantage.

How can you take advantage of your girlfriend? im so confused angry hurt,

i just dont understand anymore. i dont feel like his girlfriend anymore.. we have been rocky now for weeks and i feel like we cud break up any day.

just devastated.. dont know what to do anymore.

please advise...is he playing me for a fool?

[HeavenOrHell]

Thought you weren't going to go for a surprise visit as it didn't sound like a good idea

I agree with him, you should have asked him first if it was ok. I agree you need to figure out first if you have a future together before investing more emotionally into it, and money. He probably means he would feel selfish if you went over as he doesn't know if you have a future or not, it might be a wasted journey, maybe he does want to see you but isn't sure if it's a good idea, especially if you share more intimacy and then break up after.

If you try to break up with him each time you see him, then it's bound to lead to him feeling confused and unsure about the whole thing. He has probably felt for a while you could break up at any time as you try to each time you see him, poor bloke!

I don't think he's playing you for a fool, judging by everything you've said in this thread. I think you've made him think twice about the r/ship as you've been so unsettled with it, and not dealing well with it.

 

 

So i txt him today saying i had booked a flight to see him at weekend..

and he replied i cant just do that without discussing it with him first.he again said that we need to figure out if we have a future together before he will let me spend so much on flights etc etc.he said that if he let me come over that it wud be selfish of him and he wud be taking advantage.

How can you take advantage of your girlfriend? im so confused angry hurt,

i just dont understand anymore. i dont feel like his girlfriend anymore.. we have been rocky now for weeks and i feel like we cud break up any day.

just devastated.. dont know what to do anymore.

please advise...is he playing me for a fool?

[LittleTiger]

My honest opinion is that it was unwise to book a flight and present your visit to him as a fait accompli - especially after he asked you not to. I'm not surprised he wasn't thrilled about it. However, what's done is done.

 

Before you booked the flight, did you talk to him and explain that you wanted to discuss your relationship face to face? That you felt a meeting was necessary in order to reconnect with each other? If you didn't then I'd say that lack of communication is your problem. If you did talk to him, how did he react to what you said?

 

If you feel very strongly that he is 'keeping you away', perhaps he has a reason for doing so. Perhaps he's very busy at the moment ........ or could he perhaps be hiding something from you?

 

Personally, I don't think it possible to figure out if you have a future when you haven't seen in each other in a while so I don't understand what he means by that - unless he just doesn't have the guts to tell you it's over.

 

I think you need to have a heart to heart with him. Tell him you need to see him if your relationship is going to continue and you don't believe you can figure things out while you're apart. If he still doesn't want you to go out there, then I would be tempted to call it quits. There's not point to a relationship if only one of you is still committed to it.

[LittleTiger]

If you try to break up with him each time you see him, then it's bound to lead to him feeling confused and unsure about the whole thing. He has probably felt for a while you could break up at any time as you try to each time you see him, poor bloke!

I don't think he's playing you for a fool, judging by everything you've said in this thread. I think you've made him think twice about the r/ship as you've been so unsettled with it, and not dealing well with it.

 

I agree with this too. He's not playing you for a fool - he's running scared!