Is it cliche to fall in love?

[amy1234]

Hello all - this is my first original post, so bear with me.

 

 

I read a post (I think it was from SoleMate):

 

"Not only are these MM/OW posts repetitive as to situation, even the language that is used is cliche-riddled.

 

* We are soulmates

 

* He loves his wife but is not in love with her

 

* Our relationship is incredibly special

 

* Neither of us was looking for this; it just happened

 

* Our feelings are too strong for us"

 

 

I just want to ask - I keep reading these posts completely dismissing all of these statements as cliche. I would agree that they are cliche - but isn't the universality of these statements actually in the "falling in love" part.

 

 

What I'm trying to say, and what I'd like to see some if anyone has any response - is that when people who are attached fall for other people - they will most likely go through all of the above - but they would also go through most of those feelings if they were unattached - in many cases, the love is every bit as real as for people who are unattached - and in many cases, it is not happening with malicious evil people, but just people who are unfortunate enough to experience love intertwined with sadness - because there is almost no way for some if not all of the involved parties to get hurt. But the feelings of falling in love are so extremely strong - I've heard that it involves a ton of bio-chemical brain energy - that there is some validity to the statement "Our feelings are too strong for us," etc.

[Curt]

Amy, if I understand correctly...

 

IMHO, what you've described are, oin fact, as you suggest, feelings that can be (and are) mirrored in individuals which are unattached, as well as those who are attached.

 

In that respect, the situations are completely similar.

 

However, my questions are as follows ...

 

Does this happening with people who are attached, not indicate that there are some underlying issues/difficulties with the marriage of the MM/MW involved in the "love triangle," that need to be dealt with by the partners suffering the marrital disharmony?

 

What does it say about the morality of the married partner (and the single individual) when vows are suborned to a secondary position on the heartstrings to a "tertiary affection?" such as that which exists between the married individual and the single person involved?

 

Who is under a greater "duty of care" to the emotional bonds between the married individuals....the married person involved in the "affair" or the single person helping feed the fuel of disharmony within the married folks' marrital relationship?

 

Just some ideas to consider. I'm thinkin' out loud here...

 

Curt

[InmannRoshi]

Its not that I think love in itself is cliched, I just think its over-used to describe emotions that aren’t actually love. The English Language has proven to be significantly insufficient in this regard. The proverbial Eskimos have 60 words for snow, but we only have developed this 1 universal word “love” to describe any emotional connection to someone.

 

And what a wide and varied assortment of ways I’ve heard people use that word love…

 

I love my dog.

I love my grandmother.

Yes, my boyfriend hits me, but I still love him.

My girlfriend frequently cheats on me, but I stay with her because I love her.

With tears streaming down my face, I quietly whispered to my husband that I loved him, and I held his hand as he passed away from cancer.

I have been with my wife for 50 years, and I love her as much today as the day we married.

I love you, and if you can’t be with me then I don’t want you to be with anyone.

 

 

 

In how many of those scenarios was the word love actually appropriate, and in how many scenarios was the word “love” used to romanticise and gloss over other emotions we feel ... Emotions that have absolutely nothing to do with love, like fear.

 

Not to say that love is to be pristine, far from it. I think one of the necessary requirements for love is sacrifice … which is why I don’t buy the use of the word love in the OW scenarios, where the man has made absolutely no sacrifices.

[dudesomewhere]

my feelings are too strong for me, but I don't believe in betraying another and that involves many things. It is so important to me that people are true and honest...I live my heart by the code of Bushido. If you ever knew me in person you would see that. I think I'm so open right now becaue I have alcohol in me and it's 2:30pm, but I work the midnight shift so give me a break

 

Right now I am going through something very hard for me but I'll spare you my melancholy. I am moved by many things and can not fathom within me any betrayal. I could never betray someone, I value myself too much. I am not special but it is just about respect and love and the honesty that they require.

 

You are in florida, my vacation is coming up soon. Want to hang out? It may be the alcohol talking but come one, give me a break I have my bearings still to acknowledge this

[quankanne]

But the feelings of falling in love are so extremely strong - I've heard that it involves a ton of bio-chemical brain energy - that there is some validity to the statement "Our feelings are too strong for us," etc.

 

love as a bio-chemical dance we respond to works for me, but I think that when acting on our base instincts (in this case, chemistry) when we "fall in love," we are ignoring the very mores and values we were raised with: "Don't get involved with a married man," "it's wrong to steal another woman's guy," "don't lead two people on at the same time because you refuse to decide," etc. And often, you see people looking for self-justification where there really is none (again, based on mores and values).

 

somewhere, I heard the phrase "it's all right to have differing kinds of feelings, but to act on them (esp. with flagrant disregard) is a whole other ball of wax." I think that can be applied to just about every kind of situation imaginable.

 

another thing: most people tend to separate "love" and "in love with" -- one is steady in its course, while the other is fickle at best because it's not based in reality.

[amy1234]

Yes -

 

I definitely think that when an affair occurs it indicates that something is terribly wrong with a marriage - in fact, it means almost by definition that the bond that once existed between the two married people has been broken for whatever reason.

 

The next question is when that bond is broken it, how do you handle it when you start feeling love for another person?

 

 

Of course the right answer is that you deny the feelings, and stay true to the marriage vows. But so many people go the other way - that I think that it just can't be that the person is immoral, end of story.

 

Because the bond is broken - I think that people decide that there really isn't a marriage there anymore - whether the fault of only one of the partners or both - usually both, although the cheated on spouse rarely if ever wants to admit that. The marriage vows lose their sanctity when the bond that the marriage is based upon simply doesn't exist anymore.

 

 

InmannRoshi - you are right on target with your analysis of the word love. But - and lets just take the hypothetical out of it - and define the term I'm getting at:

 

what happened to me was that nearly two years after I made a friend, and learned that I admired this person, and respected his opinion, and enjoyed his company, I discovered that he also gave me goose bumps, and that I couldn't get him out of my head, and that I walked around with a huge smile all of the time, and I couldn't wait until I saw him next. All of a sudden I realized that I had a bond, but it was not with my spouse. He realized the same thing, actually much earlier than I did.

 

He gave into his feelings for me for a short time, and then tried to break it off but couldn't, and decided for the sake of his child to move far away and try to reestablish his bond with his wife. He asked me for no contact, and I have respected his wishes. He sacrificed his sense of his own character for his love for me, and he sacrificed the life we could have had together for his wife and his child. I wish I had found this message board as this was happening - I definitely would have discovered a lot sooner that "he'll never leave his wife" But this message board is also full of people telling me that I am just evil and pretty stupid and incredibly weak (I'll admit that I'm pretty weak). Meanwhile, what I actually feel is gratitude that I met this man and sadness that such a painful experience happened to me and my spouse and him and his spouse and child.

 

I just love this man - it is so certain in me - even though I ended up pretty crushed - I don't know where I possibly could have taken another turn. And so I just want to hear if any other Other Women or Other Men - feel like their relationships were actually pretty special - and if the love even made their lives a little better? That the problems it caused the spouse, while sad, are more about the experiences, good and bad, that human beings experience as they interact, and less about actual malice, sadness, weakness?

[amy1234]

Quankanne, I just saw your post -

 

I think I actually gave you a pretty good response with my last post -

 

but as for your last statement - I honestly believe that being in love is as real as any other emotion, but that for almost all couples it is going to diminish in intensity over time and for some couples it is not permanent, or comes and goes. I certainly hope that it is based on reality - or else what is all the fuss about??

 

IMHO, I always think of the other kind of love as maybe just the diminished version of the "being in love" - or if that is really gone - then a familiarity/comfort/ease/respect/honest good will.

[quankanne]

I honestly believe that being in love is as real as any other emotion, but that for almost all couples it is going to diminish in intensity over time and for some couples it is not permanent, or comes and goes. I certainly hope that it is based on reality - or else what is all the fuss about??

 

the fuss, I think, is about that chemical rush you feel when you're "in love," thus my suggestion that it's a fickle emotion. Why did you choose your mate? Did you initially have those feelings for him? If so, at some point those feelings must have matured into something more steady and reliable, maybe even fading in the biochemical department, but it's still a very real thing, one I'd take to the bank each and every time. I've listed below a sonnet from the Bard, which, IMHO gives the most apt description of love I've found:

 

[color=indigo]Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

 

William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI[/color]