I cheated on my husband/may have a disorder

[Mary00Anne]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for taking a moment to read my post. I have been with my husband for 7 years. We have been married for one. I have a 9 yr old son from another man whom I didn't marry - one of those "surprises" at 19, and a 2 yr old son with my husband. I cheated on him while we were dating several years ago and he knew about it but took me back because he understood that I was depressed from 4 foot surgeries. Not that it was an excuse but he saw that I needed professional help which I sought but never stuck to it. Our relationship was overall great. We were the best of friends, our sex life was awesome. He's a wonderful person, great looking, attentive to all my needs, wasn't into porn or strip clubs, was never abusive to me, said I was beautiful all the time, made me laugh and was open about everything he thought about or did including masturbation, whenever we fought he would always try to work things out, etc etc. So not even a year into our marriage, I cheated again. This time it got more involved. It continued for a few months. Initially, it started as just a friendship. He IM'ed me online and I did his makeup and hair. At first, I was a bit weirded out by some of his sexual fantasies but didn't care about his crossdressing. I found it as an outlet for creativity, on his part and mine for my art. Yes, he was a crossdresser at home. So we became closer and closer until I found that it was ruining my marriage. I finally realized that I needed to get away from him and that whole lifestyle forever about over a month ago. It wasn't even all that great. We had fun goin out and doing things but he was not all that great in bed. He was easily aroused by me and catered to everything I said - like cleaning, doing things at the very moment. Just trivial stuff I didn't get from my husband, which I relize now was so selfish of me. He slaved away at a job he hated for his family and I got to quit my job (that I took for benefits because I was pregnant) before we got married so I could pursue my careers - having my own business of makeup and hair and personal training. Okay this just didn't happen out of nowhere. It started with my husband and I fantasizing about being with other people. It went to me looking for people online but when it came down to it, we really didn't want to actually do it. At times I thought he wanted more than me. As far as him wanting me to be with another man, not a woman. Although I did bring that up and he was into it too. But he was more turned on by my being with another man. Anyway, he told me for the first time a few months ago that he wan't in love with me anymore, that he still loved me but couldn't be with me anymore. So from then, I realized that I was ruining the best thing that ever happened to me. My marriage, my family, everything. I have been endlessly since then thanking everyday he is still here. He is just recently started reciprocating affection, we have been intimate, but still is not back to normal, understandably.

So I thought about getting evaluated for Adult ADHD. I took some online tests and it came out very high every time. I know that this won't be an excuse, but will explain certain behaviors since childhood. My husband and I had bad fights when we would drink. I would get totally enraged, even physical. But I won;t get into all that. I do want to seek some therapy for myself. My husband has been seeing someone on his own for about a month and says it's been helping him. Eventually we would like to see someone together. That is another milestone. He didn't even want to see anyone with me for the same reasons I did. He wanted to talk about getting separated. Just last night he bought a book entitled "After the Affair". A book on salvaging a relationship after someone had cheated. It is a book for both parties. I glanced at it and is looks very good. So with all that said, I guess I am a pretty lucky person to have someone like that in my life. I just hope he lets me back in his.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

It seems to me that this is the second time that you have cheated on

your husband. You have put your husband at great risk physically and

emotionally. I wonder how you would feel if the roles were reversed. How

would you feel if your husband told you that he some major foot surgury and so he cheated on you sexually with another woman? How would you feel if he told you that he was acting out some fantasies by going out and cheating with another woman for a while since you guys talked about it as a fantasy when

you were having sex. You betrayed your husband in the worst possible way.

 

You are the one person he totally trusted and opened up to you but you continued in this second affair for a period of time. Your behavior sounded incredibly selfish and self-centered. Again imagine how you would feel if he had been doing to you what you have been doing to him. Most men would have been long gone. I think you need therapy to understand why you engage in such self-destructive behavior and hurt the person that made a committment to you. I wish you luck.

[Mary00Anne]

Thank you for your feedback Bryan. I do realize how incredibly selfich and self-centered I was. I feel it and see it in my husband everyday and want to take his pain and suffering onto myself. Believe me, I think about this every second. Yes I have put myself in his place too many times and I would be enraged and hurt any every other word imaginable. I hate myself every day for knowing what I have done to him. I am in the process of seeking therapy to look further into myself and better myself all around. Thanks again.

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

You sound very remorseful and honest about what you have done and

your feelings which is a very important step. I am glad to hear that you

are contemplating therapy to get well. The biggest problem for most

people is to acknowledge that they have a problem. This is not the case with

you. You acknowledge it and wish to deal with it. I think this is a very positive step.

This is just a suggestion but maybe write a letter expressing your feelings to your husband. Sit down and hold his hand and connect with your eyes and show him how you are hurting also. I firmly believe if you continue to show him that your love him then it will be very difficult for him to resist. Again please find a good therapist because it will change your life for the best. I wish you luck.

[Mary00Anne]

I am very hesitant about a letter. Reason is, is because he is very upset. I see it in him every day. Just last night I asked him to talk to me because I couldn't take the silence anymore. He told me he is very confused. There is a loud voice saying to leave me and a quiet one that says stay becuase of the children. He says he hears this when he looks at me with the little one. Last night he threw out all these questions regarding the last affair and that he can't trust me. He says he doesn't want to spend the rest of our lives like that. I told him that I have no good reason as to why I have done it more than once. I said that the best I could do right now is to sho it in my actions that I am not like that anymore and would never do that again by going to seek therapy on my own and being truthful with everything I do. I said that he will be angry for a while and that it will take some time to even want to trust me again. I hope sometime soon we will go to marriage counseling and he will be able to see then. As for now, we are living day to day, mionute to minute just getting by. I think it meant something to him to tell me all he did last night as I was sobbing. He asked if I was sure I wanted to hear all of it and I said yes. He does go to counceling, but I told him that it would only relieve so much; that he should tell me directly instead of holding it all in. I just wanted to die last night hearing everything that goes through his head on a daily basis. I realized that that was a fast way out. That sticking through this is what I need to go through to get him back. Also, I said that sometimes people need to lose something in order to realize what they had, even though I wish that was not the case.

Thanks for hearing me out and giving me some positive feedback. Again, I just hope he sees that I am truly regretful and remorseful for what I did and that I am trying to be a better person.

[Bryanp]

Hello once again:

 

 

It really sounds like you are trying so hard. I think you have to deal

with a couple of things from your husband. First, I am sure he keeps asking you why. You must come up with some sort of answer. I think you answer that you are not the same person is a good one but I am sure he will want to know why you did not come to him and speak to him before your affairs? He is wondering how does he deal with this problem if you did not come to him. How can he be sure you will come to him in the future? I know you will have to come up with some good answers and you need to convince him.

 

The second problem is a huge one and that is that he is playing the images of you having sex with these other men over and over in his mind. His ego and self-image is destroyed and at this point it is essential for you to tell him something like the sex was meaningless, dull, uninteresting and you were numb. I do not know what the truth was but I guarantee you that your husband feels right now that he is less of a man in that you needed to find other men to satisfy you sexually. Men are very visual and he is playing these visions of you and your lovers over and over again. I suggest that you may tell him that the sex was of very short duration and unsatisfying to you. I believe in telling the truth but for many men it is simply impossible for them to get over these images of their wife enjoying long satisfying sex with another men. You will need to come up with an answer for this.

 

I hope you have the 0pportunity to go on long walks with him at a park and hold his hand and try to slowly reconnect. Here is a thought. What would you want from your husband if he had affairs with two other women behind your back. How would he convince you that it would be all right to open your heart to him once again? These are questions that you need to contemplate on. I wish you the best.

[jmargel]

I agree with Bryan about his mentioning the 'second' problem. Coming from a man's point of view, really no matter what you do to show affection to him there probably is no substance to it. He knows why you are trying to show him affection, but you shown affection before and you were cheating on him. As a man, if I was cheated on, I wouldn't be comfortable in the relationship until the spouse finds out for themselves why they cheated. Otherwise, it'll happen again.

 

Personally if my fiancee ever cheated on me, that would be it. Once the bond of trust is broken it could never be totally whole again like it once was. There will always be doubts from the person that was cheated on whether it has truly stopped. The cheating not only hurt the relationship in a very bad way but also his own self well-being. If he was so 'perfect' like you said he was and you still cheated, then his thinking is probably no matter what HE does, it will never be good enough.

 

About the sex part, never bring it up unless he does. Then mention it was a very awful experience. If you bring it up to him and mention those things he's going to know you are just saying it and mean something else. Right now you truly aren't his wife. You broke the vow and the promise. That's what he may be seeing in you right now. Everything that you two had & have now has been tainted. All the things you told him while you were cheating with him were lies (at least to your husband). Your words were meaningless to him and they still probably are now. The last thing you probably don't want to do is to give up & leave. That'll just show him you were being selfish all along. Be prepared to get beaten down by this. Be also prepared that it may very well not work out anymore. YOU have to give him a reason why he should still be with you, rather than find someone else who's going to treat him the right way. There are plently of women out there, and I would imagine at least a couple of them would be more than happy to be with him.

 

For every person who is being mistreated by their spouse, there are about 10 more waiting to take their spouse's place that are willing to treat them right.

[Mary00Anne]

Thanks for the replies guys. They are very insightful. I am trying my hardest to prepare for any decision my husband will make. You are right about the sexual thing. On that note, it really wasn't all that great to be honest. I even told my husband that there were times I didn't even know why I continued to see him. I said they were stupid reasons. Reasons I felt that were taking place for my unhappiness or unfulfilment from my marriage. Basically, I liked the attention I was gettting. I told my husband that maybe we should have seeked therapy for the problems we were having before I sought the affair. Not that I was trying to make excuses for it. I was simply looking for reasons on why I cheated. We were not solving the problems in our relationship so I figured I would search elsewhere to "solve" them. BIG mistake, obviously. JMargel, you are right in saying that I am not his wife right now. He has not said I love you in over a month and for 7 years, there wouldn't be a day that went by without saying it at least 50 times....everytime we hung up the phone, stepping out the door, etc. He is not communicating we me like we used to, of course. I tld him that maybe with therapy we could solve the problems we used to have and the ones we currently have together. I am a very visual person too and it would crush me to think of him with another woman. He does have a "feminine" side to him as well. As far as him being upset over how emotionally close I got with the other man. And my husband does reciprocate as far as affection most of the times. I sometimes see that it hurts him or makes him angry when I get close so I back off. Every day it is an emotional rollercoaster. I know you (JMargel) said you wouldn't put up with your fiance cheating. But, when there are children involved, it is a different story. My husband even said that he wouldn't be here if it weren't for the kids, especially the baby since it is his. He told me the other night that we wasted his time with me during these years. Because I cheated and that he would give me attention but it was never enough. That really hit home. He said he never really focused on himself and that everything was for me. I said that that is why I should've sought help then and that's why I am doing it now. Because I know I have a self-esteem problem and I need to work on myself before he could know for certain that I would never cheat again. So for now, I am just trying to take things as they come, deal with it the best I can and hope my husband will want to be in love with me and want to be my best friend again. I am taking every bit of anger he throws at me because I know it could be alot worse. I will deal with it as long as I have to until we can work it out.

[jmargel]

Sounds like you are commited to staying with your husband. His anger, hurt and mistrust can go on for weeks, months or years. Have you asked him what you can do to help start the healing process? If he feels like the past seven years was all about you & none for him, then you need to start making him feel otherwise. Good chance on part of the reason he was so affectionate was not only because he is a 'affectionate' person, but he could have felt insecure and worried that perhaps you were interested in someone else. That in itself is a big burden to carry.

 

Why are the real reasons you cheated? Was it because of him or you? You need to decide that for yourself and then tell him. At least that will be a foundation you can build up on. He might be on a emotional roller coaster but if he does want to be with you, that doesn't give him the right to treat you bad.

[Mary00Anne]

I have asked what I could do and he answered with "I don't know". I hear this alot when I asked him about certain things. As for being affectionate from being insecure. I believe that was not the case. He is a very secure person. He is just simply an affectionate person. I was always looking for something negative in our relationship and dwelling on it because of my self-esteem. When things wouldn't work out the way I wanted and when, I felt that things wouldn't get solved. For example, if we were out to dinner and I would be talking to him, he would always be looking around the room. And I took that as he wasn't giving me his full attention. We are both in martial arts and he explains that it his way of being aware of his surroundings. I agree with him on that, but it is the way he would not give me his full attention. I was involved in a relationship previously where my ex would constantly nag that I was looking at other people because of his insecurities. This is probably where I developed mine. Hopefully therapy will help this.

As for the reason why I cheated, the aforementioned are a couple of reasons and being impulsive. This is a factor I need to seek more into. As far as possibly having Adult ADHD. I do need to explain to my husband that he should not have to feel insecure because it was all my insecurities. That he shouldn't feel like there is something wrong with him, because I am sure he does feel that way. There are times he asks, "Why Me?" As in why do I still want to be with him. I feel absolutley terrible when he asks me that. I want to show him that he is the only one for me and that there is nothing wrong with him.

I am trying to find a therapist, but with our insurance coverage it is very hard becuase I don't think it will be covered and we are on a tough budget. His individual therapy is costing us out of pocket as it is. But I need to go to therapy myself because I want to rid myself of all these negative qualities forver.

And yes, the rollercoaster. When he does act mean, he does apologize. It hurts, but not as much as he is hurting and how much I hurt seeing him hurt and what I've done to him.

[jmargel]

Well perhaps his councilor can take you both in together & not get charged. My fiancee has no insurance right now, but she is seeing us both. Together & seperate. Since it was under my name and it involved her the therapist didn't have any problem with it.

 

I do need to explain to my husband that he should not have to feel insecure because it was all my insecurities.

 

You need to let him know this. Let him know that nothing he did or was doing caused this. IF this is truly how you feel. I imagine you would've liked somethings changed that he was doing. But since this incident, I wouldn't push that too hard right now. As for him saying 'I don't know', it's probably because he truly doesn't know. Next time this comes up, tell him you truly wish this never happened. Also don't dwell on it every night. If you talk about it 24/7 that could just make the situation worse. Since you admit to being insecure as it is, it's probably pretty rough for you now with those feelings. Try not to worry too much about the future and just try to do things together like you used to. When he talks, listen. Don't interrupt or give reasons when he talks about it.

 

Majority of men don't like to feel disappointed. In terms of disappointing their spouse. Men love the feeling of being their woman's 'knight in shining armor', the one that she looks up to. He may no longer have that feeling. As for just being there for the kids, he may feel that way right now, but I doubt his love for you is gone. He probably feels defeated and emotionally exhausted. It does take a big toll on a person. I was cheated on emotionally by my ex-fiancee. I never knew the last 3 months of my relationship with her was a lie. I had no trust in anybody at all. It has taken about 3 years for me to gain that back and my current fiancee is unfortunetly paying for that in some ways because of my ex. That's part of the reason why im in counciling.

 

Just remember marriage doesn't mean that person you married is going to be with you forever. It's not a sign of ownership where you can treat the other with disrespect. With you cheating only in the first year of marriage, he is probably wondering how seriously you are taking all of this. It's a true life-long commitment. You get out of marriage what you put into it.

 

Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox. I hope my post can somehow make you understand how a man might feel in this kind of situation that your husband is in.

[Mary00Anne]

As for his therapist seeing us together, that will not happen. She is the type of therapist that since a relationship is established with my husband, she will not see me. That did bother me a bit in the beginning, but I hear that some therapists work that way. I need to call the insurance company and see if I can get some kind of coverage. I went for an initial evaluation and from there that therpaist relays important facts to the main people and if they think you need further help, they recomment someone. But, after this therapist and even another one saying I do need counceling, this "main center" (if you will) says they see no need in me continuing. The mental health division of our insurance company is run by another company. This is what is holding everything up for me. Well, I will put in another call today and post what happens.

As for talking about thigs 24/7 we really don't. The last time we talked about things was Saturday. I do believe that helped in a way to get things off his chest. I think that was his "therpay" for holding things in. Yes, I do need to stop thinking about the future but it is very hard. We are still intimate with each other and we are affectionate with each other. Of course not as much as before, but he does repsond lovingly. It just hurts to not get an "I Love You" back. I asked if it bothered him and he said yes and no. I asked if I should say it and he said he didn't know. It hurts to not get a happy hello and hug when I either of us walk in the door. See we were like High School lovers. Always together 24/7, outside of work of course. Holding hands all the time, laughing, making jokes, kissing all the time, etc. So when we do get a laugh together we look at each other afterwards and I see the hurt in his eyes. I know it has only been about 1 1/2 months since everything, but I would feel so much better if I had some idea he definitely wants to work things out. Now another thing that is making him sad is another knee surgery he has coming up next Wednesday. This will be his 3rd, and with the second, that is when I cheated. I compared his recovery to my recovery when I had 4 foot surgeries. I know women statistically recover faster than men, but I took him wanting to be in bed all the time to heal as being lazy. He was able to do some things a month later but I felt like I was doing everything and not getting recognized for it. I know a week after each one of my surgeries, I was up and cleaning, or doing something. Also to add, the first time I cheated was after my foot surgeies. I don't get the correlation if there is any. So, that is what is getting him down as well. He will need to recover from another surgery and this will set him back in out martial arts as well as wanting to lose the extra pounds he's gained in the past several years. He has been putting that off for a very long time. I guess that would be another reason why I was looking elsewhere, I felt he was unmotivated. He would say he'd want to do something and never do it. I am the opposite, I would say it and just do it. The impulsive thing again. I am working on that. So yes, that is no way in any means to cheat. I am very regretful of that. I want to be there for him on his next surgery, even beyond that. I will tell him that I understand he must be having anxieties with his surgery in regards to me cheating again because of it. I want to take care of him in every way and comfort him in his healing process. If I need to go to work, I want to assure him that I will be where I say I will be and not be doing soemthing I shouldn't be. I just hope we can work things out. We have too much going for our relationship to stay together. I was reading radioflyer's thread, and saw there were signs of that relationship not working out from earlier on and with mine, there doesn't seem to be those factors.

Yes, I truly feel there is nothing wrong with him. I just want to communicate that sure there were things I was unhappy about but I really wasn't fair on giving him a chance to work on them. He did help out alot more when he felt his knee got stronger. At that time, I had already cheated. I was being selfish on comparing myself to him - as far as our surgeries.

Thanks for the feedback. It is very insightful to hear from a man's point of view, esp from one that was cheated on.

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

I have been reading your thread and I find it really sad. It seems the both of you have been long time friends and lovers. Your reasons for cheating twice seem pretty weak. Your husband does not look at you totally when you go out to eat. You were not recognized for the energy that you put into the relationship. It kind of seems like a normal relationship to me.

I have always found that if I ask myself a simple question and it will always help me make the right decision and that is: Would I want my partner to be doing to me what I am thinking of doing to them? I think this will always give you the correct answer.

The problem is that you have done this twice and broken his heart twice over this. I guess my question to you is what did you hope to accomplish by this? Did you think it would help your marriage? Did you want to hurt him? Surely you must have realized that there would have been consequences to your actions and your relationship? You stated that you would have been devastated if your husband did this to you but you did it twice to him and the second time was a continuing sexual affair.

 

Meanwhile it is clear that you love your husband very much. I just don't get it. You would have thought that you had learned your lesson the first time but to then go on and continue in a second on going affair simply does not make sense. I understand your husband saying he does not know what you ask him what he wants. He wants what he cannot have back.

I suspect you are the one person he has always been able to trust and count on and you have taken this away from him and you are sad that he does not hug you and says he loves you everyday? Clearly the words mean a great deal to him. The fact that you have done this twice probably makes him feel that he does not wish to deal with the pain a third time and is fearful of opening his heart again. Again the one person he could always count on failed him twice on a continuing basis. I do not mean to be harsh but I am sure these are the questions that is playing in his mind and also the images as was discussed previously. Again I hope you can get therapy to understand what you have done to a husband that was always in love with you but not 100% attentive. I always wonder what did you expect to happen when you engaged in these affairs? Anyway I wish you luck.

[jmargel]

MaryAnne,

 

It's only been a month & a half. Be happy that he is at least giving you affection. Most people who cheat NEVER get a chance to show they are sorry and get affection back. Being a little greedy aren't we? You say you understand how he may feel, but it surely shows you don't when you ask those questions. He may love you right now, but is not 'IN' love with you. Can he fall back into love with you? Perhaps. I can't answer that question.

 

Like Bryan said, what were you trying to get out of the affairs? If your intent was to 'get back' at your husband because he didnt give you attention 100% of the time, or you thought he was lazy, then truthfully he does deserve better. He wasn't trying to hurt you with those things, he was being a typical man.

 

I wouldn't talk to him too much about the 'love' thing. That might just push him further away. The trust he had for you is gone, and nothing you can say or do can bring it all back at once. It may take a year before he tells you he loves you again.. Wouldn't you rather hear it knowing he means it, then hearing it because you pressured him to say it?

[Mary00Anne]

Yes, I am very lucky I am where I am and my husband is where he is. In the previous posts about not showing as much affetion, I was just trying to paint a picture of what was going on in my life, my thoughts, my feelings. I am not trying to be greedy in the least. Just expressing my feelings. I would hope my husband would take as long as possible to say those cherished words until he really feels and means it. I haven't been pressuring him about it all. I just say it knowing I won't get the same repsonse back. I say it because I truly feel it and no other reasons why. Reasons for cheating: I am still trying to figure out those. The book "After the Affair" has been helpful in looking for those answers. It is a great tool my husband and I are using. It gives some really good insight on things. This forum has also been a great help to me. I was telling my husband about it and you guys as well being in his position. Myabe he will get some insight from here as well. As always, you JM and Bryan have been a great help. I hope your life is treating you well.

[jmargel]

Thanks MaryAnne,

 

And if your husband wants to chat on here or PM me I'd be more than happy to talk to him.

 

-Jeff