False Hope or Denial

[gordies]

I've been with my husband for four years. We have a son that is two years old. We have been through so many ups and downs. I've struggled with the Alcohol, Drugs, Marijuana, Physical, Mental, Abuse, Jeolousy etc... You name it I've dealt with it with this man. I loved him so very much and always thought as long and I keep loving him and showing him a better life things would get better. We survived me being laid off for two years.. I though things had begun to get better after we got pregnant with our son. Little did I know they would get worse. I guess I finally got fed up with the acusations and jealousy last year in April and I up and left. At this point his Jealousy was the main problem. We had gotten control of the Alcohol and Drugs.. We were at a family event and he accused me of sleeping with a family friend.. That was it.. I ended up leaving that night and packed up the whole house and I was gone.. He didn't pay our home and of course wouldn't leave if I stayed so we lost it. We stayed separated for six months and I couldn't take it no more and went back. I guess in this time apart I didn't realize how much he had gotten back into drugs and alcohol again. I was the one constant that kept him from doing this.. This was a big problem this time around.. His drugs and alcohol only inhance the jealousy and abuse. It all ended very badly for me and my son!! And for him well he has gotten himself into a whole lot of trouble. We had no contact for the first two months and since have started seeing each other again. My two older children I know want nothing to do with him and of course my family they feel the same.. I guess in reality I should too.. This man hurt me very badly, but I still love him. He has had so many chances and this time went beyond crossing the line.. We talk everday on the the phone, and see each other a couple times a week and sometimes not for a week or two. It all depends on what my older children have planned and where they are. I do love him very much, but don't know that he can actually change. He says he is trying. Can I trust him? or Am I holding on to False Hope??

[Julie McCoy]

Originally posted by gordies

I've struggled with the Alcohol, Drugs, Marijuana, Physical, Mental, Abuse, Jeolousy etc... You name it I've dealt with it with this man. I loved him so very much and always thought as long and I keep loving him and showing him a better life things would get better.

 

Right... but the only person who can ultimately solve these problems (drugs, alcohol, etc) is him. As for physical abuse, the only way to effectively handle it is to stay away from someone who abuses you. Hoping it will get better through love is basically asking for a miracle. As you've discovered.

 

We survived me being laid off for two years.. I though things had begun to get better after we got pregnant with our son. Little did I know they would get worse. I guess I finally got fed up with the acusations and jealousy last year in April and I up and left. At this point his Jealousy was the main problem. We had gotten control of the Alcohol and Drugs..

 

There you go again, assuming responsibility for his drugs and alcohol abuse problems. Sure you can be supportive. But if they're going to be controlled, it must be by him, and him alone.

 

It all ended very badly for me and my son!!

 

Yes. So recognize your mistakes (getting involved w/this guy in the first place was a mistake), don't beat yourself up over them, but promise yourself that you will learn from your mistakes and not repeat them. No more of this guy. With at least three kids you've got plenty to handle already. Get yourself into a position where you can take care of your needs and your kids' needs, so that you wont' ever again be tempted to take back an abusive, alcoholic drug addict.

 

My two older children I know want nothing to do with him and of course my family they feel the same..

 

If common sense won't guide you, this should. Your kids' well-being should trump your hopes for a relationship every time. The fact that you recognize on some level at least that this guy is bad news ought to make this even more clear.

 

I guess in reality I should too.. This man hurt me very badly, but I still love him. He has had so many chances and this time went beyond crossing the line.. We talk everday on the the phone, and see each other a couple times a week and sometimes not for a week or two. It all depends on what my older children have planned and where they are. I do love him very much, but don't know that he can actually change. He says he is trying. Can I trust him? or Am I holding on to False Hope??

 

No, I don't think you can trust him. Yes, I think you're clinging to false hope.

 

I don't want to sound too harsh here, but I have to point out that not only have you acted as a doormat for someone who, it sounds like, was never a good bet, but you put two children at risk by exposing them to a physically abusive, alcoholic drug addict (even if he never hit them, if he was abusing you they were undoubtedly frightened and affected). And you chose to have another child, this time fathered by this rather awful-sounding man. Why is being in a relationship with him so important to you?

 

Can you live without being in a relationship? What if you were told right now that you would never be part of a couple again -- what would you do differently in your life? Would that consign you to permanent unhappiness? A lot of people pay lip service to being able to live a single life, but then they do all kinds of damaging things and really hurt themselves all in the service of being in a relationship. You've now got 3 kids for whom you are responsible. Can you afford a relationship with this guy and still be able to meet their needs?

 

I think you need to examine the ways that you are emotionally, financially, socially and psychologically dependent upon being in a relationship with this guy. Is it him, or is it the state of being in a relationship, feeling that there's a man around, no matter how flawed and brutal the man happens to be?

[EnigmaXOXO]

False Hope or Denial

 

Neither.

 

It's called 'co-dependency'.

 

Been there...and it's a b*tch. And it turned me into one, too!

 

But thousands of dollars and eight shrinks later...I'm finally CURED!! (except for the residual post-traumatic twitch)

[Just Visiting]

Hate to sound harsh but I see the words "doormat" and "co-dependency" written all over this. You are clinging onto something that can never be. It sounds like you rather be abused then to be independent. I hope you are able to snap out of it before REAL trauma occurs with yourself and/or your children.