OM/OW Telling the BS?

[SoMovinOn]

So as not to hijack anyone's thread...

 

There are many discussions here, specific instances - Should I tell the BS about our A? ... there are different variations and circumstances.

 

Many, maybe most of the responses support telling the BS, generally based on some version of "The BS has a right to known to whom he/she is married."

 

Based on this premise, should we be telling the spouses of any person we know, any negative information we may know about their spouse?

 

Does a spouse have a right to know his/her spouse is performing poorly at work? They may end up losing their job, being passed up for promotion, or being passed for a pay raise. All of which could have a negative impact on the spouse, the M and the family.

 

If I see my neighbor excessively speeding, should I tell his wife? He may get a speeding ticket which could cost them a significant amount of money. Even worse, he may get into an accident, possibly kill someone else, and maybe himself. Should I tell his wife about his speeding because she has a right to know the kind of man she is married to?

 

Based on my examples, it may seem I am being facetious in asking this, but, I am not. It is a question of - If the spouse has a "right to know" what type of person they are married to, and if others have a responsibility to provide information to them in that regard, in what situation(s) do others have this responsibility? Does it only apply to affairs? If so, why?

[woinlove]

So as not to hijack anyone's thread...

 

There are many discussions here, specific instances - Should I tell the BS about our A? ... there are different variations and circumstances.

 

Many, maybe most of the responses support telling the BS, generally based on some version of "The BS has a right to known to whom he/she is married."

 

Based on this premise, should we be telling the spouses of any person we know, any negative information we may know about their spouse?

 

Does a spouse have a right to know his/her spouse is performing poorly at work? They may end up losing their job, being passed up for promotion, or being passed for a pay raise. All of which could have a negative impact on the spouse, the M and the family.

 

If I see my neighbor excessively speeding, should I tell his wife? He may get a speeding ticket which could cost them a significant amount of money. Even worse, he may get into an accident, possibly kill someone else, and maybe himself. Should I tell his wife about his speeding because she has a right to know the kind of man she is married to?

 

Based on my examples, it may seem I am being facetious in asking this, but, I am not. It is a question of - If the spouse has a "right to know" what type of person they are married to, and if others have a responsibility to provide information to them in that regard, in what situation(s) do others have this responsibility? Does it only apply to affairs? If so, why?

 

I discovered by accident that a friend's H was cheating on her. It was painful to tell her, but I did. She was devastated, but grateful that I told her. I know she would have done the same for me, had the situation been reversed. I can't imagine not having told her, as I just can't imagine looking into her eyes and keeping that secret from her - knowing something so important about her life.

 

I don't really understand your other examples, since to me (and to my friend) her M was the most important connection of her life and it was based on real love and a secret A was a critical threat to everything they shared - it was not like a speeding ticket or a job. In the end, they worked everything out, her H had problems that he dealt with, and they built a much stronger M. That makes me happy - but that isn't the key point. I knew it was the right thing to tell her, even though there was no guarantee how it would end. I could not watch my friend unknowingly living a lie in the most important part of her life.

[MissBee]

I do not always support OW/OM telling the BS.

 

If the BS contacts them and asks then I don't see the problem with being truthful; however if the MP ends things and then you all of a sudden want to tell the BS, that is disingenuous IMO.

 

I believe all things eventually come to light, so whether or not the OW/OM tells, it may come to light later on so the "right to know" doesn't mean it is the OW/OM's obligation to tell.

 

I think an OW/OM telling a BS that their spouse has been in a relationship with them is a rather more intimate and relevant scenario than some random coworker informing someone's spouse that they do a bad job at work. The former is close to home and like it or not, the OW/OM has made herself/himself a third participant in an intimate triangle....a colleague at work is not in such an intimate position, the stakes are not that high and there is no real personal connection or entanglement involved. All the examples you've given are of people far removed from that person and some random action they're performing....an affair is quite different for the OW/OM who is not some random third party walking by but the one entwined with this person. I still do not believe it is their duty to tell; however, the examples aren't comparable. They would be more so relevant to a question about should friends and family tell a BS they're being cheated on since they have a right to know; as friends and family are more akin to the "passers-by" that are outside of the scenario (which is what the neighbors, colleagues etc are in your analogies).

[Mme. Chaucer]

Do YOU think that a person who is lied to every day by their spouse about perhaps the most intimate aspect of their marriage is in the same situation as a person whose spouse is struggling at their job?

 

I don't believe it.

 

I'm married. I don't think that my husband's performance at work is necessarily my business, unless it's something he wants to share with me. We didn't get married with any promises involved regarding his performance at work. Even if it does affect me because it could influence his financial contribution to our household, these things were not part of the contractual and emotional bond we both consciously CHOSE to enter into when we wed.

 

We share most things, and I believe he would tell me himself if he was failing at his job; however, if he did not, I still would not be "living a lie."

 

We did get married with the promise that we were going to be faithful to each other. I am not interested in an open marriage with my husband. I'm pretty sure I would not be staying married to him if I knew that he was carrying on a sexual affair, and I would certainly want to know so I could make my decision on how to proceed.

 

There is a tacit promise of honor and honesty in my marriage, and in most good ones, I believe. So, if other deceitful behavior was happening besides a sexual affair - for example, if he was pretending to go to work every day but instead was at the track betting on the ponies - I would want to be told.

 

Again, I don't want to be living a lie. And I don't believe that married people have to know every detail of their spouse's life, negative or positive.

[SoMovinOn]

I discovered by accident that a friend's H was cheating on her. It was painful to tell her, but I did. She was devastated, but grateful that I told her. I know she would have done the same for me, had the situation been reversed. I can't imagine not having told her, as I just can't imagine looking into her eyes and keeping that secret from her - knowing something so important about her life.

 

I don't really understand your other examples, since to me (and to my friend) her M was the most important connection of her life and it was based on real love and a secret A was a critical threat to everything they shared - it was not like a speeding ticket or a job. In the end, they worked everything out, her H had problems that he dealt with, and they built a much stronger M. That makes me happy - but that isn't the key point. I knew it was the right thing to tell her, even though there was no guarantee how it would end. I could not watch my friend unknowingly living a lie in the most important part of her life.

 

I can understand it in your example. I would have done the same.

 

Of course, if you change some of the details, it could become a bit more difficult - such as, if you were very close with all the people involved, or, if you were the OW (which is most often what we see here I think).

 

My point about the job and speeding was to get some response on the concept often presented here "The BS has a right to know what kind of man she is married to" ... the examples were just to throw out something to say an A is not the only thing one might do which shows what type of person they are. Does the responsibility to inform their spouse always apply, or just apply to A's.

 

Being involved in a A, they are a liar. Their BS has a right to know they are a liar. What if I know they are a liar, but they're not involved in a A? Does their spouse have a right to know that? Do I have a responsibility to tell him/her?

[SoMovinOn]

I do not always support OW/OM telling the BS.

 

If the BS contacts them and asks then I don't see the problem with being truthful; however if the MP ends things and then you all of a sudden want to tell the BS, that is disingenuous IMO.

 

I believe all things eventually come to light, so whether or not the OW/OM tells, it may come to light later on so the "right to know" doesn't mean it is the OW/OM's obligation to tell.

 

I think an OW/OM telling a BS that their spouse has been in a relationship with them is a rather more intimate and relevant scenario than some random coworker informing someone's spouse that they do a bad job at work. The former is close to home and like it or not, the OW/OM has made herself/himself a third participant in an intimate triangle....a colleague at work is not in such an intimate position, the stakes are not that high and there is no real personal connection or entanglement involved. All the examples you've given are of people far removed from that person and some random action they're performing....an affair is quite different for the OW/OM who is not some random third party walking by but the one entwined with this person. I still do not believe it is their duty to tell; however, the examples aren't comparable. They would be more so relevant to a question about should friends and family tell a BS they're being cheated on since they have a right to know; as friends and family are more akin to the "passers-by" that are outside of the scenario (which is what the neighbors, colleagues etc are in your analogies).

 

That's an excellent answer Bee. I don't imagine I could think of an example in which some other situation would be even remotely close to the intimate involvement of an A. Nice perspective.

[SoMovinOn]

Do YOU think that a person who is lied to every day by their spouse about perhaps the most intimate aspect of their marriage is in the same situation as a person whose spouse is struggling at their job?

 

No. I don't believe that.

 

Even if it does affect me because it could influence his financial contribution to our household, these things were not part of the contractual and emotional bond we both consciously CHOSE to enter into when we wed.

 

Of course, that could be different in other M's.

 

But... don't get hung up on the details of the example, and try to think more of the overall concept. If a spouse has a "right to know" the type of person they are married to... would that apply to scenarios other than an A?

 

There is a tacit promise of honor and honesty in my marriage, and in most good ones, I believe. So, if other deceitful behavior was happening besides a sexual affair - for example, if he was pretending to go to work every day but instead was at the track betting on the ponies - I would want to be told.

 

I should have read further. I began to ask this very question, then saw you already answered it here. That is exactly the answer I was looking for - would you expect me to or want me to tell you if I knew something like that, outside the scope of an A.

 

Now... that still leaves me to wonder if *I* would want to tell you something like that. I know it would depend on what my relationship was with him, and what my relationship was with you - if I was closer to you or him.

 

Generally, I stay out of things. Of course, if you were my sister, I would definitely tell you. Hell, I'd probably go to the track, drag my bro-in-law out of their by his ear, bring him to my sister and make *him* tell her. ... but in other situations... I don't know.

[Gentlegirl]

If the BS asked me I would certainly tell her.

 

I know that he has lied about the Dday to her and kept every piece of information away from their lives, so she has literally nobody to ask.

 

She is never likely to know I exist unless I tell her.

She has been married to him for 48 years, so I don't think she neds any more punishment.

 

Any other aspect of their lives is between them but the A was a triangle..happpy to talk about it with her if she were to ask.

 

GG

[OpenBook]

It is a question of - If the spouse has a "right to know" what type of person they are married to, and if others have a responsibility to provide information to them in that regard, in what situation(s) do others have this responsibility? Does it only apply to affairs? If so, why?

 

This is one of the main things on this board that really baffles me: the BS's claim to "rights of knowledge" ABOUT THEIR OWN SPOUSE - and shifting the responsibility of delivering those rights onto everyone else, whether they know them or not. It's like they're saying, "Everybody owes me, simply because I'm married."

 

The logic of that claim defies all reason and the arrogance of it is breathtaking. It actually helps me understand better why their spouses are cheating on them. People with that attitude, I avoid like the plague IRL. I can't imagine what it must be like to be tethered to them on a daily basis.

[woinlove]

I can understand it in your example. I would have done the same.

 

Of course, if you change some of the details, it could become a bit more difficult - such as, if you were very close with all the people involved, or, if you were the OW (which is most often what we see here I think).

 

My point about the job and speeding was to get some response on the concept often presented here "The BS has a right to know what kind of man she is married to" ... the examples were just to throw out something to say an A is not the only thing one might do which shows what type of person they are. Does the responsibility to inform their spouse always apply, or just apply to A's.

 

Being involved in a A, they are a liar. Their BS has a right to know they are a liar. What if I know they are a liar, but they're not involved in a A? Does their spouse have a right to know that? Do I have a responsibility to tell him/her?

 

I know my example was different, but I always think of it when one is discussing whether it is more compassionate to tell the BS or not. I just know in a situation where one has nothing but compassion for the BS, with no complicating self-interests, conflicting bonds, I think one would tell them.

 

Now, of course, the AP has conflicting self-interests and the cases where they say they are friends with the BS, an outsider knows they already killed that friendship, even if outwardly they are trying to act like they didn't. If they aren't friends with the BS, their own self-interests have taken higher priority than the interests of the BS. If they can act out of compassion (one poster, geek, did that just yesterday) then I think that is really good. Even if they act out of revenge, I think it is good that the BS knows, although sad that they had to get the truth from someone who is doesn't care about them even to the extent of caring about a stranger's pain.

 

Should one tell about any lying? If it is something similar - like financial infidelity, where the other spouse is basically stealing their assets and future financial security - then yes and for the same reasons.

 

As to do they "have a right"? It's not exactly the language I use, but... Does the person who trips, falls and gets a gash on their head, have a right for someone to stop and make sure they are okay or see if they need some help? I do know what the right thing to do is, I know what the compassionate or kind thing to do is. I think in those terms.

Edited September 29, 2011 by woinlove

[woinlove]

This is one of the main things on this board that really baffles me: the BS's claim to "rights of knowledge" ABOUT THEIR OWN SPOUSE - and shifting the responsibility of delivering those rights onto everyone else, whether they know them or not. It's like they're saying, "Everybody owes me, simply because I'm married."

 

The logic of that claim defies all reason and the arrogance of it is breathtaking. It actually helps me understand better why their spouses are cheating on them. People with that attitude, I avoid like the plague IRL. I can't imagine what it must be like to be tethered to them on a daily basis.

 

I think you are focussing on semantics. I suspect the intent behind that phrase is more along the lines of treating others with respect and kindness.

 

But as to the latter part of your post, why wouldn't you divorce someone who you couldn't imagine being tethered to on a daily basis? Having an A is a poor solution since you are still tethered to them on a daily basis.

[mzdolphin]

I was once a BS and OW. When I found out about my ex husband's cheating I did ask the woman (hardly an OW. She was one of many flings) questions. She said "he loves you so much. He always talks about you." At the time I thought, "What? Then why are you having sex with him?"

 

Anyway, as an under aware OW, when I found out the guy I was dating was still married I confronted him first. He lied and then backtracked and claim his wife refused to give him a divorce. At that point, because I had her email address, I thought I would ask her up front. I was careful not to be accusatory, demeaning or nasty. I knew nothing about her accept her job. At that point because I had caught him in a lied I was skeptical about everything he said. I did not provide details. I didn't forward emails of him stating his love for me, etc. It thought that could be cruel. I gave her a little back ground and stated that I don't go after married men. I simply stated that this is what he is telling me. And that I don't know what the truth it. I ccd him to let him know that this was not some ploy and that I wasn't ashamed of my position, as a woman in a relationship seeking the truth.

 

I wanted everything out in the open.

 

He called immediately. He said he was in Florida preparing for his brother's funeral. I knew his brother had been very ill, but didn't know he had died. The wife was with him. (I felt bad about that. But it showed me that he didn't reveal something as intimate as his brother dying with me.) He said he wished I didn't feel a need to do that. He wasn't angry with me, but wanted me to call him back.

 

I never heard from her. Two weeks later he was calling, wanting to see me again. That was in July 2008. We picked up things within months and were right back to seeing each other regularly until I ended things in December 2008. A went NC for more than a year. Then in March 2010 he contacted me, saying he missed me. He had moved back home and was living with his wife for the first time in five years. We saw each other a couple of times in 2010 before I ended it again. One time I spent a whole week with him. He continued to email, begging me to meet him on the road (he travels for work). He would email his hotel reservations. He offered to fly me into one city he was working, just days before his wife would celebrate her 60th birthday. He kept bringing that up "she's turning 60". He is seven years younger than her and I'm eight years younger than him.

 

To this day she has never contacted me. He said he's surprised by that. "Maybe she doesn't care" he said.

 

If you do tell the BS please be aware that you can't believe anything the WS tells you about them. You have to approach it like a criminal investigation and stick with facts and what you know to be true. Not what you hope to be true.

[Angelina527]

So as not to hijack anyone's thread...

 

There are many discussions here, specific instances - Should I tell the BS about our A? ... there are different variations and circumstances.

 

Many, maybe most of the responses support telling the BS, generally based on some version of "The BS has a right to known to whom he/she is married."

 

Based on this premise, should we be telling the spouses of any person we know, any negative information we may know about their spouse?

 

Does a spouse have a right to know his/her spouse is performing poorly at work? They may end up losing their job, being passed up for promotion, or being passed for a pay raise. All of which could have a negative impact on the spouse, the M and the family.

 

If I see my neighbor excessively speeding, should I tell his wife? He may get a speeding ticket which could cost them a significant amount of money. Even worse, he may get into an accident, possibly kill someone else, and maybe himself. Should I tell his wife about his speeding because she has a right to know the kind of man she is married to?

 

Based on my examples, it may seem I am being facetious in asking this, but, I am not. It is a question of - If the spouse has a "right to know" what type of person they are married to, and if others have a responsibility to provide information to them in that regard, in what situation(s) do others have this responsibility? Does it only apply to affairs? If so, why?

 

Wow...those examples cannot even compare to the devastation that cheating can cause. You make it sound so simplistic.

 

And, yes, the spouse has a right to know. Without a doubt.

[denise_xo]

I think whether you call it 'a right' or 'the right thing to do' is just semantics. Clearly it's an expectation that a party to a committed relationship should have that kind of information.

 

I don't, however, see the rationale for the OW/OM in particular to provide that information. It makes no logical sense since they are intricately interlinked with the lie in the first place, and hence I think a more interesting question in terms of an OW/OM informing the BS is why now and not before? In mzdolphin's case the answer to that question is pretty straightforward, in other cases I've seen on here the motivations seem much more muddled.

 

As for would I tell a friend, I think there are a lot of contextual factors at play. My point of departure would clearly be 'yes I would tell' if I knew a friend was being cheated on. However, I think real life shows plenty of examples where that kind of situation is turned against the person relaying the information, so I would probably think carefully about how and why. I've never actually been in that situation so I don't have direct experience with it.

[Owl]

Here's a thought.

 

We're always "pointing fingers" trying to "warn" new posters or whatever that there are a number of BS posters that come on this forum.

 

Here's one situation where you might consider the "source" of the posts, and use that for some perspective.

 

The loudest proponents for "telling the BS" are....drumroll please....us horrible former BS's.

 

Interesting when you consider it.

 

If it's NOT in the BS's best interests...why would these same people who have experienced it be the ones loudest in suggesting that it happen? The ones who are most insistent that the BS would want to be told, would want to know...deserves to know in fact?

 

So...the very ones who have been through that trauma are also the same ones who insist that the BS should be told.

 

Consider that.

 

Perhaps...given that most of us have been there, and have used that information to make key decisions in our own lives...we actually have a point?

 

Perhaps...frighteningly enough...we might actually have a valid point and real reasons why the BS in most cases WOULD want to know...and potentially needs that information to make informed decisions in their lives?

 

Note that typically the strongest/loudest proponents for NOT telling typically are not BS's...but rather the MM/MW or OW/OM...who often have NOT been in the BS's shoes...and in fact, haven't been through the process of rebuilding a marriage after infidelity themselves? But rather the ones that typically felt that the affair should have been kept secret in the first place.

 

This isn't an attempt at insulting anyone...not meant that way.

 

It's an attempt at pointing out differences in mindset and perspective...and questioning who would be in the best position to make an educated guess as to whether or not the BS should be told.

[Angelina527]

Very good and true points, Owl!

 

As a BS, I wouldn't give a darn who told me, and if it would have been one of the OW, then I certainly wouldn't have cared what their motives would have been. Revenge against my husband or guilt or whatever...I wouldn't care as long as I had the truth.

[serial muse]

If it's NOT in the BS's best interests...why would these same people who have experienced it be the ones loudest in suggesting that it happen? The ones who are most insistent that the BS would want to be told, would want to know...deserves to know in fact?

 

Agreed.

 

And I will add this to the discussion. As a onetime BS, I certainly don't think anyone is under an OBLIGATION to tell the BS. In a way, the OP's post strikes me as a bit of a straw man - I don't think most BS would say that the OP is obligated to tell. Sure, the BS has a "right" to know what's going on in his/her relationship, but life and people, even loving family and friends, aren't perfect, and nobody really expects them to be. I wouldn't expect random family and friends, let alone someone having an affair with my husband, to tell me all of his dirty secrets. (Ideally, he would do that himself. Ha.) But I don't think anyone else is "supposed" to do that.

 

So, I consider that whole line of argument a bit of a red herring. The argument that far more often comes up between BS and OP is what Owl outlined: not whether the OP "ought" to tell, but whether the OP "ought not". And what drives me up the wall is a common justification for NOT telling that runs to "it's for his/her own good."

 

No, it isn't.

 

I perfectly understand why an OP wouldn't want to tell. I would have wanted to know, but I wouldn't have expected the OW in my case to tell me. But I also wouldn't expect her to pretend like she was trying to protect me by not telling.

 

I would prefer that those who choose not to tell just be honest with themselves about who they're trying to protect. There's nothing wrong with self-preservation. It's reasonable. So why dress it up as altruism - or, even worse, why sidestep the question altogether by pinning the blame on the BS for not "guessing" the truth?

 

All of that, to me, is just a way of refocusing guilt. It's pointless and a waste of energy. Far better to cultivate acceptance - whether to tell or not to tell, whether to stay in the EMA or not. - accept that you're making a choice for you, without needing to make it something more lofty. If you find yourself feeling that need, then you probably aren't really comfortable with the choice itself, and that bears examining. That is the likeliest path to self-fulfillment.

Edited September 29, 2011 by serial muse

[beenburned]

The BS always deserves to know the truth, no matter who tells her.

 

I know of a MM who had a 4 yr. affair with OW#1, and also got himself OW#2 for a year, before they both found out about each other. Both of them were LIVID at being played for a fool, and both of them contacted the BS and spilled the truth.

 

When the BS had a hard time believing she had been cheated on for 5 years out of a 9 year marriage, they both sent her tons of evidence. Which she is using in court for her divorce, as he spent tons of money on both OW.(marital assets)

 

I have personally known this BS all my life. She is a good, kind, sweet, hardworking mom/wife who did nothing to deserve this kind of treatment.

She will be eternally grateful that these OW were kind and honest enough to inform her of what all her soon to be XH was up to.

 

She also went immediately, upon finding out the truth, and got tested at her OBGYN. She had contracted genital warts.

[skywriter]

I'd say it all depends on the circumstances.

 

I had a very close girlfriend come to me once and said, "As your friend, I know you'd want to know that your H made an inappropriate advance towards me".

 

 

It all came down to words at that point. I appraoched him, de denied it.

 

To this day I still don't have proof positive. In the end, it was never the same for she and I. My H, eventually ended up leaving me.

 

There was also an instance where, myself and another mutual friend went to our friend and told her about seeing her H at a party with a woman.

 

It was very obvious they had come as a couple. She thanked us and then got very short with us, asked us to leave as she had things to do.

 

This was someone we'd known for many years and talked to on a regular basis. She stopped calling us and taking our calls. Never figured that one out.

 

So, it's a very tricky situation to find yourselfin. With what may feel like a responsibility to a friend ,and also as a friend ,to stay out of it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

This is one of the main things on this board that really baffles me: the BS's claim to "rights of knowledge" ABOUT THEIR OWN SPOUSE - and shifting the responsibility of delivering those rights onto everyone else, whether they know them or not. It's like they're saying, "Everybody owes me, simply because I'm married."

 

I don't think it's my "right to know," or that it's anybody's responsibility to tell me if my husband is cheating on me.

 

I DO think that a person with a well developed conscience would be likely to feel some responsibility to tell me. I doubt that this would be the OW, since I would not expect a person actively engaged in a clandestine affair with a married person to be in a state of mind to be following their conscience, if they have one.

 

I'm not sure where you got the idea that a person married to a cheater is shifting any responsibility for anything onto anybody. From my perspective, a person married to a cheater is not in ANY active role in that particular situation. They are just an innocent bystander. If the cheater is making a great effort to conceal the cheating, how could it be the betrayed person's responsibility to somehow take ownership of this information - whether it's their "right" to know it or not? They're actively being bamboozled, successfully.

 

Do you also think that the victims of embezzlement schemes are somehow responsible for that? Do you think that a bystander, or your friend, who knew that you were being embezzled "should" tell you, or just let it happen because your financial life is really your own responsibility?

 

I would HOPE that someone would tell me, because, as I said in my earlier post, I don't want to be living a lie - especially when the most intimate relationship in my life is not what I believe it to be.

 

So, whether it's my "right" or not, I think I SHOULD have the information.

 

I have been in the position of knowing that a man was cheating on his wife. The couple was very close to us. It was a terrible situation to be in.

 

I felt that she should have the knowledge, for more than one reason. She should be able to choose whether she is in a sort of plural relationship instead of the monogamous one she signed up for. Also, other people in her social group, like my ex husband and me, knew. The fact that several people had knowledge of her very personal circumstances that she did not have was creating a wall of isolation around her, and she wasn't even aware of it. Not only was her husband deceiving her, her friends were as well.

 

Telling a person that their spouse is having an affair is very difficult, and one must look at their motives and their own state of mind about doing so.

[Emme]

I do not support the OM/OW telling the BS. Reason being you did not have a consultation with the spouse prior to the affair. So you are not entitled to one after the affair.

 

Other circumstances differ.

[MissBee]

This is one of the main things on this board that really baffles me: the BS's claim to "rights of knowledge" ABOUT THEIR OWN SPOUSE - and shifting the responsibility of delivering those rights onto everyone else, whether they know them or not. It's like they're saying, "Everybody owes me, simply because I'm married."

 

The logic of that claim defies all reason and the arrogance of it is breathtaking. It actually helps me understand better why their spouses are cheating on them. People with that attitude, I avoid like the plague IRL. I can't imagine what it must be like to be tethered to them on a daily basis.

 

I don't understand this attitude to be honest: the belief that the cheater is somehow more noble than the BS and therefore it all makes sense why they're being cheated on, because of something they have or have not done, versus laying blame on the cheater for their own actions. It totally absolves the cheater from any responsibility and lays sole blame on this other person for actions another chooses.

 

Neither outlook seems to be reasonable, not yours nor the BS insisting others are the one's responsible for providing info about the spouses to them. Both are faulty. (I am also not a BS by the way but have been the OW).

 

In any case, as I said, I do not believe OW/OM are obligated to tell the BS anything. However, they have a right to know, which is different than mandating that outside people are the one's responsible for fulfilling that right.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I just realized that I did not respond to the question posed in the title of the thread, which appears to be, "Should the OW/OM tell the BS?"

 

My answer to this question is: I believe it's best that the BS learn the truth. I think it's very unrealistic to think that this info will be forthcoming from the AP, though, unless the AP tells out of spite - perhaps the promised divorce has not materialized, or the OW/OM is getting the shaft. The AP has already shown willingness to participate in cheating and betrayal, so a sudden display of altruism is not very likely. So, asking "should" the party to the betrayal be the one to tell the spouse about it because they "have the right to know" is kind of … odd. I would not advocate that people to do spiteful things, even if the end result might have some benefits.

 

My responses spoke to the text of the OP, basically, the question:

should we be telling the spouses of any person we know, any negative information we may know about their spouse?

 

Which is not the same question at all as whether the OW/OM should tell the unknowing spouse of their AP about the affair.

[skywriter]

I just realized that I did not respond to the question posed in the title of the thread, which appears to be, "Should the OW/OM tell the BS?"

 

My answer to this question is: I believe it's best that the BS learn the truth. I think it's very unrealistic to think that this info will be forthcoming from the AP, though, unless the AP tells out of spite - perhaps the promised divorce has not materialized, or the OW/OM is getting the shaft. The AP has already shown willingness to participate in cheating and betrayal, so a sudden display of altruism is not very likely. So, asking "should" the party to the betrayal be the one to tell the spouse about it because they "have the right to know" is kind of … odd. I would not advocate that people to do spiteful things, even if the end result might have some benefits.

 

My responses spoke to the text of the OP, basically, the question:

 

 

Which is not the same question at all as whether the OW/OM should tell the unknowing spouse of their AP about the affair.

 

 

I realised I did the same thing after I posted.

 

I doubt the BW would want to hear this information from me.

She may question my motives for telling her.

[SoMovinOn]

Wow...those examples cannot even compare to the devastation that cheating can cause. You make it sound so simplistic.

 

As I mentioned in another response - don't get hung up on the details of the examples. I was simply trying to clarify the intent and meaning of my question.

 

A better example came up in one of the responses - the H saying he was going to work, and spending his days betting on the horses instead.

 

 

And, yes, the spouse has a right to know. Without a doubt.

 

A right to know, what? Any negative information about their spouse?