Did you feel quilty towards the BS

[round1]

Hi

 

My affair was found out, due to him telling her all. And i mean every last detail.

 

My previous posts will explain in full detail.

 

I am just struck by emotions of pure guilt, i feel terribly ashamed i did this to another woman. I feel that it is my fault they will now suffer forever. I can not stop thinking on what she must feel, the hurt, i know how i feel, it must be 100 times worse for her. An innocent woman , who i have caused hurt to. I can not explain how much i feel shame on me about this.

 

Did anyone else feel this? Did you forgive yourself?

 

I knew of her, i see her every day..and worst of all on reflection, my reasons for being with MM was because i loved him and believed that he was totally unhappy at home, but now, it turns out , it was likely a lie.

 

I am really confused also, as i hate him , i am so angry at him for how he is now treating me. The words he has recently said and even though i had a chance to shout and tell him, i still feel so very angry.

Last night i was actually sad also, sad that we had shared so much and it is now lost, nothing but pain in its place.

 

Today i saw them for the first time. Wow, it was horrible. They drove straight up behind me, i kept calm, and there they were , chatting away and i felt a little intimidated...not scared, i cant explain , i just thought wow, they must both hate me so much. I dont know why he made me feel i was so speical, why he needed to lie to me and tell me his life would be terrible without me, he was the one who wouldnt let me go. He shared so much with me, told me he never talks about his emotions and i will always remain speical and in his heart because he has been able to open up to me, about the death of his parent, the fact i helped him through it...oh you know..all the bloody lies i guess..but he seemed so truthful.

 

I felt all sorts of emotions seeing them, glad that they had not split, ..so a family saved...but i felt sad and upset that the man with his wife had shared so much and i had given so much of my time and care and worry for..just felt a little knife through my heart , but at the same time, just glad they have a chance to fix things.

 

I am so confused , is this normal.

I am terribly sad

In the end , the OW ends up with nothing.

[Heart On]

He betrayed his wife.

He lead you on to nowhere.

He lied to you both to get what he wanted.

He played you both for fools.

He decided he was done taking the risk.

He outted YOU to her and threw YOU under the bus?

 

And YOU feel guilty?

 

Wow...That xMM of your's is a Master Manipulator!

 

 

I give him an A+ for knowing how to use two women's love and trust,get sex from them both no doubt,use the pity ploy tactic to win you over,

and in the end,when you most likely got "too demanding of him" finding a way out without harming himself and keeping at least one

of you still loving and trusting him.

 

Excellent Back peddling! (total sarcasm) as I am SURE he doesn't deserve to be with either of you!

 

I'd say....YOU are the winner in this and if she wants to STAY with that loser of a person.....you should be counting your blessings you didn't wind up with someone like that!

 

Wow. Hold your head up!~

 

If anyone SHOULD feel guilty it's HIM!

 

And of course...he'd need a conscience to do that..............but no.

 

He's back with his wife because he didn't have JUST CAUSE to cheat on her in the first place!

 

And you were simply void filler for a man with issues!

 

But that's not a reflection on YOUR worth...so much as a reflection of HIS lack of character!~

 

You didn't end up with nothing!

 

You wound up with the CHANCE to have a LIFE without a LIAR!

 

TAKE IT! AND RUN!

[woinlove]

Yes, I felt guilty - although it was delayed as initially I was too selfish to feel guilty.

 

The MM behaved much worse, but, to me, feeling guilt means I expect better of myself. I wouldn't use MM as a standard for my behavior. I think guilt serves a purpose in reminding me that I want to and can do better. It took a while for me to really absorb the lesson and feel confident that I could do better, act with more compassion and kindness, but I got there and you can too. Once you know that type of behavior is in your past, you forgive yourself and move on.

[round1]

Heart on: something inside knows and believes this, but my guilt towards her us currently over riding all other emotions.

 

I am not missing him how I thought I would, as it was me who had ended the affair as I was done with the neediness but no action.

I'm more sad, sad that I felt we really did open up to each other, spoke a lot about our lives and pasts and fears and wants. So sad to share so much and now see it as a waste of my emotional effort. And sad I confided in a man who has shown me who he really is.

 

Thank you both for the reply.

My quilt was instant, but I had felt guilty for a while, as the situation was nearing the end. I never felt poor me, I do however have moments in my anger at him, of missing certain things.

 

I am trying hard to move on. I keep writing things down to vent out my questions, thoughts, anger etc..I move on slowly and then like today, seeing them..it knocked me back

[skywriter]

Yes round1,

 

I've felt those feelings of guilt as well.

 

I think Heart On, was very accurate in all that she expressed to you in her post as well. All she said, I hope you realise as well.

 

Particularly that it shouldn't be a reflection of your worth.

 

Right now you may feel you ended up with nothing, and I thought this too, but deep down inside I knew better.

[woinlove]

 

I am trying hard to move on. I keep writing things down to vent out my questions, thoughts, anger etc..I move on slowly and then like today, seeing them..it knocked me back

 

Writing to vent sounds good. I understand how difficult it must be to see them. It must also be difficult for the wife. [For MM, who knows and who cares.] I hope you don't have to see them much. I'd probably go out of my way to avoid that for a while if I could. When you do see them, perhaps it will help to remind yourself that this is difficult for both of you (you and the BW) and you can at least feel good that, even as you carry your own pain, you still are able to feel empathy and compassion for the BW and you will make different choices in the future.

 

What they think about you is not important. It's what you think about yourself that is important. And what is most important is what you are doing today and what you will do tomorrow. Live today and plan tomorrow as the kind of person you want to be and guilt from the past will fade.

[alexandria35]

Round I think you should feel guilty. You participated in ongoing lies and deceit that devastated an innocent person and so I think it's normal and healthy that you would feel some guilt for that. I would think most of us have felt guilty for our actions at one time or another. Feeling guilty isn't neccesarily a bad thing if we use that emotion to better ourselves. It's okay to feel guilty, but don't let it take over your life or eat at your feelings of self worth. Use it as a learning experience on the path of life.

[mzdolphin]

Because my exMM presented himself as divorced I didn't feel any guilt or anything other than love for the man I thought I was in a committed relationship with. We had a history that went back nearly 20 years.

 

When I found out he was lying I told the BS, via email. I ccd him. She never contacted me. Later, when he came back and I got involved with him again, yes I felt some guilt. But I rationalized it then as, well I told her and she doesn't seem to care. And at the time he was telling me she knew it was over and was just holding on for appearances sake. Because she lived in a different state and he spent more time with me than her, I allowed myself to believe this.

 

Then later I decided it didn't matter what she believed, why she put up with him, or why he lied. It came down to me not getting my needs met and that's when I ended it.

 

I was once a BS so I have sympathy for anyone who has been a good, faithful wife and is being lied to on a regular basis. But I'll admit to having less sympathy for OW and BS who are aware of the truth and just decide to ignore it. I understand how they can arrive in that place. What I don't understand is why they choose to stay there.

[Angelina527]

Round I think you should feel guilty. You participated in ongoing lies and deceit that devastated an innocent person and so I think it's normal and healthy that you would feel some guilt for that. I would think most of us have felt guilty for our actions at one time or another. Feeling guilty isn't neccesarily a bad thing if we use that emotion to better ourselves. It's okay to feel guilty, but don't let it take over your life or eat at your feelings of self worth. Use it as a learning experience on the path of life.

 

Ditto this.

 

I felt guilt...still feel it, as I should, but I have taken that guilt and used it to work towards a better me.

 

It is perfectly normal, and I would be concerned if you didn't feel guilt or compassion for the wife.

 

You will be ok, just take care of yourself and let yourself grieve.

[whydididoit]

I do feel guilty to the BS both that are involved but I would if I were in your situation feel bad for her after he told her and she stayed. He knows he got away with it he will probably do it again. IMHO Plus the fact they live so close to you that would after awhile turn from guilt to anger. They drove up behind you you will see them in town from time to time? Hell no I would have to make my feelings turn to anger so I could refrain from making myself feel any worse about the situation.

Good Luck to you....do you have a spouse they might try to tell?

[TigerCub]

I had mixed feelings when it came to guilt for the BS.

 

I did feel guilty because he was her man, not mine and I shouldn't have done anything with him.

 

Knowing that he cheated on her A LOT (before me), and because I loved him, sometimes I would push the guilt away and rationalize it with

"well she must know, and she's turning a blind eye - so f**k it"

or

"If she's really that stupid, then who cares, he's not happy with her, and he loves me and I love him"

yeah - that was just my dumbass way of justifying it.

 

Also, because I didn't know her, never seen her or anything like that, sometimes that kind of made her an "abstract" in a way. I know she exists, but I don't know her, I'm not pretending to be her friend, nothing like that, so it was easier to push the feelings of guilt away, because I never put a face to a name, and gave that face the emotions it would have if she found out about the cheat.

 

Sorry to get so confusing. But my guilt was there, but depending on how far into the A I was, I dealt with it differently.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I hope you find the strength to tell him to go to hell if he tries to contact you in time.

[round1]

I do feel guilty to the BS both that are involved but I would if I were in your situation feel bad for her after he told her and she stayed. He knows he got away with it he will probably do it again. IMHO Plus the fact they live so close to you that would after awhile turn from guilt to anger. They drove up behind you you will see them in town from time to time? Hell no I would have to make my feelings turn to anger so I could refrain from making myself feel any worse about the situation.

Good Luck to you....do you have a spouse they might try to tell?

 

 

No I do not have a spouse. I will see then everyday as we have children in the same school. I can handle myself enough to not feel scared but at the moment I thought it would be respectful to show a low profile..but after driving right up behind me today, I guess they want to show me their stance.

 

Difficult to know at this moment how to be. And with the shame and guilt and my greif all over riding my feelings, I hope I remain with what dignity I have left and not let myself down anymore. I do feel immense anger towards him and my head tells me the correct things but my heart isn't quite there.

[Heart On]

I feel for you about the school thing.That's why I moved 1200 miles from them.I could NOT sit there and watch him get away with what he did to us both without paying any consequences.

 

 

I had guilt that I was gullible enough to believe that she was the problem in thier marriage,when in reality as time went on and I saw his true colors emerge,I realized HE was the problem in thier marriage and she didn't deserve what HE did to her any more than I deserved what he did to me by leading me on emotionally,by exploiting me as his client,and using me for sex,to defy her in his extemely annoying passive aggressive way.

 

I also had guilt that I protected him from the consequences of his actions against her by not outting him.

 

 

I was damned if I told her and damned if I didn't.

 

But I did feel guilt for my part.I just couldn't do anything about it.

 

I recall seeing them together,knowing he was getting away with it all and thinking................wow....what an utter sociopath to just go on as if he hadn't screwed is both over and was entitled to his "choice" to stay married when she had no clue she had been betrayed.

 

I figured....it was his responsibility for cheating on her and his responsibility for allowing her to live a lie.No matter what I told him,or how I handled my own marriage/separation and divorce with honesty

he disagreed that she had a right to know him.

 

He even said..."Look what honesty got you?"

 

A clear conscience in my life, your F-ing Narcissist!

 

But,yeah....in all honesty,I realize I was no better than him and an accompliss in his betrayal of her,even if I see us both as his "victims" because of the situation it all happened within and by whom it happened.

 

I'm just damn happy to be far from him and 10 years of NC with him.

 

He didn't deserve ANYTHING I gave him of myself.....and I hope at least half of the things he used to hook me in are TRUE about her!

Edited September 29, 2011 by Heart On

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yes, I had guilt just like you express, for doing that to another woman.

 

It's not very popular on these boards, but I do feel (and long for) a sense of sisterhood among women.

 

I've heard from many "unapologetic" other women that they claim to not like women. And often, we see lots of denigration of the BS here, which seems to excuse some people for anything. I am not one of those.

 

I also felt guilty for participating in dishonesty on a big scale, just because my own moral compass tells me that dishonesty is wrong … and I was doing it anyway.

 

All that said, though - guilt is not good for you. Well, I think it's good that we feel it when we do things that are "wrong" according to our own sense of values and morals. It shows our consciences are working. But once you feel it, and acknowledge it, you need to somehow deal with the guilt provoking situation and then put the guilt away.

 

You own your own part of what happened in your affair - but what the man did is NOT your responsibility, or your fault. Don't take it on.

 

Forgive yourself now. You might need some help, like a support group or therapy or just real good friends, but do it. You can still have a good life with lots of happiness and love in it.

[SoMovinOn]

No. I don't feel guilty.

[MissBee]

I had mixed feelings when it came to guilt for the BS.

 

I did feel guilty because he was her man, not mine and I shouldn't have done anything with him.

 

Knowing that he cheated on her A LOT (before me), and because I loved him, sometimes I would push the guilt away and rationalize it with

"well she must know, and she's turning a blind eye - so f**k it"

or

"If she's really that stupid, then who cares, he's not happy with her, and he loves me and I love him"

yeah - that was just my dumbass way of justifying it.

 

Also, because I didn't know her, never seen her or anything like that, sometimes that kind of made her an "abstract" in a way. I know she exists, but I don't know her, I'm not pretending to be her friend, nothing like that, so it was easier to push the feelings of guilt away, because I never put a face to a name, and gave that face the emotions it would have if she found out about the cheat.

 

Sorry to get so confusing. But my guilt was there, but depending on how far into the A I was, I dealt with it differently.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I hope you find the strength to tell him to go to hell if he tries to contact you in time.

 

I agree with the bolded.

 

I do think it is different when you know this person, have met them etc from when you do not. I did not know her, he never told me negative things about her or discuss her much at all, so like you, she existed but it was easier to see her abstractly. I did however feel guilt sometimes. Specifically the first time we were intimate, she popped up in my head as I thought wow...you have no clue your man is doing this smh.

 

I did feel guilt but more so anger because I felt like how can he not have guilt?! How can he, the one with full awareness of both of us and our feelings for him, do this??? She didn't know anything and I only had partial awareness....therefore the person with the most agency or more informed position and no excuses at all was him! So I felt more anger at him.

 

I'm sorry for how you're feeling and it is a bit different since you engaged the situation when you knew her...that is bound to make more guilt arise. However, you should move forward from the guilt, assess and accept why you participated, be angry at him and hurt and then leave them to their own devises and move forward with your life.

[skylarblue]

Yes, I feel guilty. I did not feel guilty for a long time. Rather I felt proud to able to get her H and if dday was to happen que sera,sera. Once dday happened I’d never felt more guilty and ashamed. First, from the way she found out and her reaction, and secondly from his reaction to her and what she has to go through. It’s was much, much worse than I could’ve thought. It’s been almost 10mos since dday and although I wouldn’t say I feel less guilty, I am coming to terms with it I guess. MM however feels no guilt and thinks I shouldn’t either.

 

It sucks to being going through all the emotions of a break-up regardless of the R situation. And I feel totally like you with the guilt, the trust and belief held in MM, the confusions and whys, and even the hope that he would “fix” his M, but overall what’s done is done. You can’t let guilt consume you otherwise it will wreck you. Guilt alone though will not be useful without remorse. Guilt will remind you of the horrible way you feel and what you’ve helped do to the W. Remorse would keep you from doing it again either with him or anyone else’s H. If you truly are remorseful, you will eventually and peacefully be able to let go of the guilt.

[round1]

Thank you for all your replies , it is good to hear what i am going through , i need to accept and find my way of coping with it.

 

I am really nervous to do the school run tomorrow.

I didnt know her, i just saw her around, and sometimes a little smile, as that is what you do in a small villiage.

 

I am going to dig deep and find some strenght tonight for the morning.

 

And yes i am a decent person , who made a terrible choice, and i have learnt a very harsh lesson.

 

I must admit i am letting it comsume me , i feel i have no place to be sad , hurt or angry as her pain is far more worse than mine will ever be. One day i will move on and be happy. And i hope they will and they can for the sake of their children

I am a single mum, through choice, myself and the dad, just didnt work anymore, he is the best dad in the world and my good friend. But being a single mother , working and trying to build a business is hard work, and being a family is lovely, so i wouldnt wish that on them

 

Not for him, no. I hate the fact that he has got away with it, because what lesson has he learnt. Maybe right now, he has learnt, holy poop, i nearly lost my wife and children, and i realise i love my wife and wont cheat again..but really, how long will that last, because once that has subsided , he has clearly got away with it. i heard from his wife, when she called me, that his first marriage failed because he cheated on her. So i wonder, is this part of him, never happy.

Ironic, that he has it all, money, great job, house, car, kids , holiday home...and he is sadly not happy in himself, i knew this, and i tried to explain this to him at times..but it is on deaf ears. He has created his life as he chose it to be. No one else.

 

I just want to heal and forgive me, i truely am sorry for my foolish head and pain i have caused. I am shocked how deeply this has affected my confidence, i feel very anxious and that i am not worthy of any happiness right now. And i hate being nervous that i will bump into them. Seeing them despite it all , does hurt me still. Though i dont want him, it was a year and a half , which was a relationship , feelings and closeness , that i want to forget , but it isnt happening yet.

 

Thanks everyone. Lets hope tomorrow is a better experience.

[Gentlegirl]

I never met the W or even saw her in person. It was an abstract kind of guilt because she was an unknown .

 

Her life had been a great big pack of lies for 3 years and she had no idea about any of it. That was something that really got to me, the more I thought about it.

 

Please don't let guilt consume you. Don't let his actions make you feel worthless.

 

I don't think xMM in my case was capable of facing the reality of a day to day relationship. He had issues about getting old, about his own sexuality and lots more. I realise now that none of that is a reflection on me and my worth.

 

Warm Wishes,

Gentlegirl.

[RainDown]

I haven't dated a MM in many years now, but at the time I didn't feel guilty at all. I was firmly in the "I didn't make vows to her, he did" or "My relationship is with him not her" or "The fact that he's married is his issue not mine" camp. I didn't feel any responsibility for their relationship at all. I was never really interested in a traditional, white picket fence relationship, or marriage, and didn't consider relationships to be situations of permanence in my life (still don't). So really, a man's marital status was of no interest to me anyway since I wasn't going to be around for long (how selfish is that???).

 

So, after some time, distance, maturity and introspection I realize that I am very disconcerted and uncomfortable about the way I was living my life back then. I don't feel "guilt" per se; what I feel is profound disappointment in myself. Everything about my behavior back then is in direct conflict with the values I hold now and what I feel is shame, not guilt. I suspect the shame is probably worse because it's a manifestation of how I feel about myself as a person; as opposed to how I feel about my behavior (which would be guilt). Behavior can be changed, guilt can be learned from and avoided in the future. I'm made peace with my guilt. I learned from it and changed the behaviors that cause it.

 

Shame is a very different beast. Though I am not the shallow, selfish, deceiving, lying wrecking ball I once was, the shadow of that girl still lurks inside me and I still cringe when I'm reminded of how I once was. How little I gave a crap about how my actions might affect others. How dismissive I was of the pain of others as long as I got what I wanted. How lying had become second nature. I know I can't change the past now and I do hope I come to peace about it all at some point, but I'm definitely not there yet.

 

For now....well forever really, all I can do is get up every morning and go about my day and my relationships with honesty, integrity, courage and empathy. I feel good about myself at the end of the day now. I feel happy. I feel peaceful. I feel joy about the fact that I am no longer adding negativity and destruction to the world. And I am proud of myself for facing life with courage and honesty.

 

Guilt and shame feel like bad things, but I don't think they are. Guilt and shame are speaking the truth to us and as the saying goes, "The truth will set you free." And it's true, it does.

[bentnotbroken]

I haven't dated a MM in many years now, but at the time I didn't feel guilty at all. I was firmly in the "I didn't make vows to her, he did" or "My relationship is with him not her" or "The fact that he's married is his issue not mine" camp. I didn't feel any responsibility for their relationship at all. I was never really interested in a traditional, white picket fence relationship, or marriage, and didn't consider relationships to be situations of permanence in my life (still don't). So really, a man's marital status was of no interest to me anyway since I wasn't going to be around for long (how selfish is that???).

 

So, after some time, distance, maturity and introspection I realize that I am very disconcerted and uncomfortable about the way I was living my life back then. I don't feel "guilt" per se; what I feel is profound disappointment in myself. Everything about my behavior back then is in direct conflict with the values I hold now and what I feel is shame, not guilt. I suspect the shame is probably worse because it's a manifestation of how I feel about myself as a person; as opposed to how I feel about my behavior (which would be guilt). Behavior can be changed, guilt can be learned from and avoided in the future. I'm made peace with my guilt. I learned from it and changed the behaviors that cause it.

 

Shame is a very different beast. Though I am not the shallow, selfish, deceiving, lying wrecking ball I once was, the shadow of that girl still lurks inside me and I still cringe when I'm reminded of how I once was. How little I gave a crap about how my actions might affect others. How dismissive I was of the pain of others as long as I got what I wanted. How lying had become second nature. I know I can't change the past now and I do hope I come to peace about it all at some point, but I'm definitely not there yet.

 

For now....well forever really, all I can do is get up every morning and go about my day and my relationships with honesty, integrity, courage and empathy. I feel good about myself at the end of the day now. I feel happy. I feel peaceful. I feel joy about the fact that I am no longer adding negativity and destruction to the world. And I am proud of myself for facing life with courage and honesty.

 

Guilt and shame feel like bad things, but I don't think they are. Guilt and shame are speaking the truth to us and as the saying goes, "The truth will set you free." And it's true, it does.

 

 

This is great post. It shows maturity, growth and acceptance. The bolded really got my attention. It does take courage to live life honestly and decide that adding destruction to someone else's life hurts not only them but hurts us as well.

[FirstNobleTruth]

BentNotBroken, I agree completely.

 

Thanks for your beautiful insight, RainDown.

[MissBee]

I haven't dated a MM in many years now, but at the time I didn't feel guilty at all. I was firmly in the "I didn't make vows to her, he did" or "My relationship is with him not her" or "The fact that he's married is his issue not mine" camp. I didn't feel any responsibility for their relationship at all. I was never really interested in a traditional, white picket fence relationship, or marriage, and didn't consider relationships to be situations of permanence in my life (still don't). So really, a man's marital status was of no interest to me anyway since I wasn't going to be around for long (how selfish is that???).

 

So, after some time, distance, maturity and introspection I realize that I am very disconcerted and uncomfortable about the way I was living my life back then. I don't feel "guilt" per se; what I feel is profound disappointment in myself. Everything about my behavior back then is in direct conflict with the values I hold now and what I feel is shame, not guilt. I suspect the shame is probably worse because it's a manifestation of how I feel about myself as a person; as opposed to how I feel about my behavior (which would be guilt). Behavior can be changed, guilt can be learned from and avoided in the future. I'm made peace with my guilt. I learned from it and changed the behaviors that cause it.

 

Shame is a very different beast. Though I am not the shallow, selfish, deceiving, lying wrecking ball I once was, the shadow of that girl still lurks inside me and I still cringe when I'm reminded of how I once was. How little I gave a crap about how my actions might affect others. How dismissive I was of the pain of others as long as I got what I wanted. How lying had become second nature. I know I can't change the past now and I do hope I come to peace about it all at some point, but I'm definitely not there yet.

 

For now....well forever really, all I can do is get up every morning and go about my day and my relationships with honesty, integrity, courage and empathy. I feel good about myself at the end of the day now. I feel happy. I feel peaceful. I feel joy about the fact that I am no longer adding negativity and destruction to the world. And I am proud of myself for facing life with courage and honesty.

 

Guilt and shame feel like bad things, but I don't think they are. Guilt and shame are speaking the truth to us and as the saying goes, "The truth will set you free." And it's true, it does.

 

One of the most amazing posts I've read here. Appreciate you sharing!