4 dates too late

[oaks]

Most people don't care to know about that. I know I wouldn't like it if a guy showed up to a first date and said "By the way, I'm dating other girls but I'm not fooling around with any of them. Just thought you should know." I'd be like, "uh, thanks for making this date really awkward and uncomfortable. I was hoping we could just have a good time and get to know each other." It just doesn't seem very classy to make such an announcement.

 

Yeah, that sounds like a mood-killer! I have had the topic come up on a first date before - she asked if I had any other dates planned (which I thought was a better way of asking than saying 'are you dating other people?'). I said that I did and that they were also first dates and was that a problem for her. She replied that it was okay because we hadn't made any promises to each other, and that she had also been on some other dates recently. It was less awkward than it seems now that I'm writing it down.

 

If the guy is single, then I figure he may or may not be casually dating other people. I don't need to be told.

 

Certainly for a first/second date, that's usually the view I take; the only 'agreement' we made was to meet at the right time/place for drinks or dinner or whatever the plan was, and (implied) that neither of us mis-represented ourselves in our profiles. By a 3rd/4th date I don't see any issue with asking "Are you seeing anyone else?" (I don't object to being asked it earlier, but I probably wouldn't ask it sooner myself.)

 

I wonder what would happen if online dating sites had a box for this on the profile. It should probably go somewhere between "smokes?" and "marital status" since it's a deal-breaker for some people. The box should be labelled "Multi-dating" and the options "Never and you shouldn't either" "Never but I'm open to the idea" "Sometimes" "Only for the first few dates" "Always until in a relationship" etc. Then we can filter for people who have compatible views. Nexus One - would that work for you?

[Pierre]

Regarding multidating (or dating several people at the same time):

 

Maybe you should just stop categorizing people.

You can ask. But she can also answer by saying "None of your business."

 

Are you implying that she should lie? Why hide the fact that she is dating others?

 

I never said you should continue dating her. You can stop dating her whenever you want.

 

But, how is he supposed to know what to do if there is no straight answer to his question. Do you see the contradiction?

 

 

What you don't have the right to do is tell her who she is and is not allowed to date. Again, that's the controlling part.

 

He is not allowing or disallowing anything. He simply wants to date a woman that is not multidating and the women refuses to tell the truth about the fact that she is seeing other men.

 

 

You don't have the right to information just because you demand it. What if you wanted to "get informed" about my address and social security number?

 

Yes, there is no right to the info, however, he can expect basic honest behavior. Why hide the fact that she is seeing other men? It may be her privacy, but she has no right to lie and mislead a man.

 

 

People who multi-date probably don't think they're hurting other people.

 

It is understood multidaters rationalize what they do. However, they should not hide that info from people that are not interested in dating someone that is actively engaging others. That is dishonest behavior and that is why IMO most multidaters become cheaters later on in life. In essence they are already practicing cheating.

 

Of course you can ask her. But that's no guarantee either. You know, a lot of people consider themselves single as long as they're not in a committed relationship. So if you ask a girl who's casually dating another guy or two, she might still describe herself as single. And to her, that's not a lie.

 

It is not a lie???????? Classic rationalization to to justify dishonesty.

 

The dishonesty is not the multidating. The dishonesty is hiding that fact from her date when she knows it is a deal breaker. That is dishonest to the core.

[Nexus One]

I wonder what would happen if online dating sites had a box for this on the profile. It should probably go somewhere between "smokes?" and "marital status" since it's a deal-breaker for some people. The box should be labelled "Multi-dating" and the options "Never and you shouldn't either" "Never but I'm open to the idea" "Sometimes" "Only for the first few dates" "Always until in a relationship" etc. Then we can filter for people who have compatible views. Nexus One - would that work for you?

 

No it wouldn't work for me, because like I said, I have no problem with multi-dating in and by itself. I only find it a problem when someone starts fooling around with multiple people while dating someone else for a relationship and is at the same time keeping everyone in the dark, i.e. keeping it a secret.

 

Again, I have no problem with multi-dating itself when done properly and with respect for the people involved. For people to be able to opt out requires transparency, what Cypress is pressing on, is that the involved people should be kept in the dark about it. So they'll never be able to make an informed decision.

 

Just telling me "it's not my business" is good enough for me too. Because if you even take a few seconds to think about that, then you'll come to the conclusion that that attitude is a red flag. Why? Because there's no need to obscure the fact whether you're single or involved with other men. It's a useless piece of information, except for men who would like to date you for a relationship.

 

Scenario 1: She's single and not involved with any other men. --> That means a green light for me. I can then ask her out without having to worry about stepping into another man's territory or getting hurt or dating someone who's dishonest about things.

 

Scenario 2: She's involved with an FWB and would keep f*cking her FWB while we're trying to bond during dates. --> That means a red light for me. I do not want to date a woman that's already involved with another man. I do not want to get into a love triangle. I'm a one girl type of guy and I want to date a one guy type of girl.

 

Scernario 3: She's multi-dating. She informs all her dates that she's doing that and doesn't fool around with any of her dates. She keeps it formal until she makes a connection and tells off the rest. --> Green light, she's single and not involved with another man.

 

Scenario 4: She's multi-dating. She doesn't tell any of her dates that she's doing that and she fools around with nearly all of her dates. She kisses some guys, gives blow jobs or hand jobs to others and even f*cks several guys. All the while we're dating each other for a relationship. --> Red light, I got tricked and kept in the dark. I'm disappointed when I find out and stop dating her.

Edited October 1, 2011 by Nexus One

[Nexus One]

No, I said it was controlling to give her rules to follow. Now you're saying you don't do that in person, but you've been doing it in this forum. All I know about you is what you write here. And in your posts, you say things like "women should do this...women shouldn't do that...this is how women should behave..." That comes across as trying to control their behavior, trying to tell them what to do and how to act.

 

Example: Mark is player and has 8 girls at the same time. Some of those girls are FWB's, some are dating him for a relationship. He's fooling around with all of them, but keeps all of them in the dark about it.

 

One of the girls finds out and comes crying with tears streaming down her face to tell him he hurt her and that she'll no longer will be dating him.

 

I see it happening and after the scene I tell Mark he can't keep doing that to girls, he can't keep hurting them like that. Mark doesn't care and laughs about the whole situation.

 

I tell him I personally wouldn't do that to girls/women, saying I think it's unethical. Saying you can't treat people like that. That it's better to be honest with them so that they can choose to opt out. He disagrees and proceeds as is.

 

That very example has actually happened, except now the gender roles are reversed. Should I have kept silent about it, because it might seem like I'm telling Mark what to do? In my opinion no, because when I see injustice, then I can say something about it. It doesn't have to be swept under the rug.

 

So what you see as trying to control women's behavior, I see as confronting them with unethical behavior, just like I did with mark.

 

Does Mark think what he's doing is wrong? No he doesn't. Does Mark change his behavior because I confronted him with what he's doing? No he doesn't.

 

Apparently you think it's your business too. What if she's not f*cking him, what if she's just dating him?

 

If she's just dating him and she tells me and she explains she doesn't fool around with him, then I'm ok with it. The other guy should be informed about it just as well, as he should be able to opt out too.

 

I could imagine you spending an entire first date interrogating a woman. She'd be the one to leave then.

 

I tend to ask important questions immediately, far before the first date. I think that when it comes to hitting on a girl/woman I might be one of the more direct guys. The first thing I ask a woman I like is her name and the second thing is if she's single and uninvolved. I explain that I'm asking that because I want to take her out to dinner to get to know her better.

 

She can respond in a myriad of ways. I prefer transparency, so that I can make a decision on the spot and move on immediately if necessary. I don't want to date a girl for 2 months, only to find out what she could have told me immediately. Whether she tells me immediately or after two months does not change the outcome. In both cases I refrain from dating her. I rather want to know sooner than later, I don't see why I should be kept in the dark about it. The whole secrecy surrounding it is a red flag to me.

 

I know I wouldn't like it if a guy showed up to a first date and said "By the way, I'm dating other girls but I'm not fooling around with any of them. Just thought you should know." I'd be like, "uh, thanks for making this date really awkward and uncomfortable. I was hoping we could just have a good time and get to know each other."

 

I DO appreciate such transparency. I see that as a sign of class, of character and respect towards me. Besides, it's not necessary to do that during a date, it can be asked way earlier. In my opinion it's critical information. Knowing that can prevent a lot of problems.

Edited October 1, 2011 by Nexus One

[bluenightowl]

Scernario 3: She's multi-dating. She informs all her dates that she's doing that and doesn't fool around with any of her dates. She keeps it formal until she makes a connection and tells off the rest. --> Green light, she's single and not involved with another man.

 

How do you define informal? A handshake at the end of the night? Anyone who is multi-dating could easily find themselves in a difficult situation and be tempted to go farther than even they had said to you, but was totally honest with you at the time. Such is life. Being human means we don't always do as we say. Its up to the other person to determine the level of risk you're willing to take when dating. Dating in itself is a risk and will always be that way.

 

Anyone multi-dating 3-4 people beyond 4 or so dates is likely just coming out of a LTR, is anxious to meet someone, and their friends told them not to settle for the first guy/gal that came along. Anyone who took a break for a year after a LTR likely will go slower and take their time and be ready to focus on one person sooner. And of course the possible deception is vastly accelerated if it online dating.

[Nexus One]

How do you define informal? A handshake at the end of the night?

 

With formal I mean, no kissing, no making out, no hand jobs, no blow jobs, no sex.

 

The reason some people can get away with that is because they keep it silent, but it wouldn't work if they were making out in a restaurant with one date and another date of theirs would walk into the restaurant and see them making out.

 

The secrecy is what covers up the wrongness of it to others. Things collapse when people get to see the truth with their own eyes.

 

And just because you can't see it and don't know about it, doesn't make it right.

 

By that logic you could justify all sorts of sh*t, as long as nobody gets to see it and nobody knows about it.

 

Anyone who is multi-dating could easily find themselves in a difficult situation and be tempted to go farther than even they had said to you, but was totally honest with you at the time. Such is life. Being human means we don't always do as we say. Its up to the other person to determine the level of risk you're willing to take when dating. Dating in itself is a risk and will always be that way.

 

If they lie about it, then that's definitively a red flag. If the lying already starts during the dating process, then that's not a good basis for a relationship.

 

Sure people lie and I do realize that when you date you take a risk and people could be lying. But just because there are people who do that, that doesn't make it right.

Edited October 1, 2011 by Nexus One

[ThsAmericanLife]

Ethics are extremely subjective. Everyone has their own opinion about what constitutes ethical/unethical behavior. Some people think premarital sex is unethical. Some people think drinking alcohol is unethical. Some people think eating meat is unethical. Whether you like it or not, YOUR OPINION is not a universal standard. Get over it.

 

Your problem is you want dating to be a guarantee. You want women to guarantee you their undivided attention, so you can be guaranteed that you have no competition for the object of your desire and you can be guaranteed that she won't choose someone else over you. Well, guess what. There are no guarantees. Not for anyone.

 

You want dating to be a risk-free experience. You don't want to run the risk of getting hurt or deceived or misled, so you expect women to divulge every detail of their personal lives as soon as they meet you. Then there's no risk for you because you know everything. Well, dating is risky. It is for everyone. Yes, you might get hurt. You might find out that the girl you like isn't who you thought she was. Everyone who dates is taking the same risks, because you can't demand complete transparency from someone you barely know. That's part of what makes dating exciting: the mystery. That's why you get to know people gradually over time, instead of saying on the first date, "Tell me everything about you right now, so I can immediately opt out if I hear something I don't like."

 

Can we please get back to the OP's question? Start another thread, Nexus, if you want to discuss this. Don't drag it into every other thread.

 

This conversation is very much ON TOPIC. Part of the reason people feel pressure to sleep with someone after X number of dates is because of the wishy-washy nature of many people's communication skills or... ahem... desires.

 

And I'm going to be so bold to say... no. It isn't a matter of 'opinion' that some people decide to divulge or not divulge their dating style.

 

People keep it secret because they are lazy. They want what they want for themselves and don't give a sh*t what matters to the other person.

 

People with your viewpoint are the ones who are the risk avoiders... not the other way around.

 

If you'd take the time to illustrate your preferred dating style in advance, that might turn some people off. It might turn some people on.

 

But to fail to do so is DISRESPECTFUL.

[ThsAmericanLife]

How do you define informal? A handshake at the end of the night? Anyone who is multi-dating could easily find themselves in a difficult situation and be tempted to go farther than even they had said to you, but was totally honest with you at the time. Such is life. Being human means we don't always do as we say. Its up to the other person to determine the level of risk you're willing to take when dating. Dating in itself is a risk and will always be that way.

 

Anyone multi-dating 3-4 people beyond 4 or so dates is likely just coming out of a LTR, is anxious to meet someone, and their friends told them not to settle for the first guy/gal that came along. Anyone who took a break for a year after a LTR likely will go slower and take their time and be ready to focus on one person sooner. And of course the possible deception is vastly accelerated if it online dating.

 

Exactly. This is why I don't multi-date, and why I don't 'date' men who do either.

 

There are a bazillion ways to reduce drama in one's life. This seems to be one of the simplest when it comes to dating.

 

Go out with one person a few times. Keep or not.

 

Go out with next person a few times. Keep or not.

 

Really, really don't understand the multi-dating phenomena. Wait. yes I do.

 

It's about people who need attention, are indecisive, or don't give a crap about others.

 

Not the kind of fish I'm keeping in MY boat.

[bluenightowl]

The reason some people can get away with that is because they keep it silent, but it wouldn't work if they were making out in a restaurant with one date and another date of theirs would walk into the restaurant and see them making out.

 

The secrecy is what covers up the wrongness of it to others. Things collapse when people get to see the truth with their own eyes.

 

I agree.

 

The other thing that happens sometimes is when the person who is mult-dating and sleeping with one or more persons start to lie often when they can tell one the persons they are dating is really into them and is acting like a relationship partner. It may not have been discussed, but they know by their behaviour.

 

This is when you start to hear things like.. we are moving too fast.. i need space.. the hot/cold.. Is that wrong because it wasn't discussed? perhaps no, but ethically perhaps yes. because you know you are about to cause a mess.

[ThsAmericanLife]

to carry forward Pierre's thoughts...

 

 

Multi-dating teaches people how to juggle multiple people simultaneously.. (that's why it is called multi-dating... duh!!)

 

Also teaches them creative lying techniques to keep the others they are dating in the dark (or at least in the fog) while they suck up everyone's time.

 

Good training for future cheaters.

 

For those who 'tolerate' this behavior in people they date out of some misguided liberal viewpoint... consider this...

 

Many people do not have the fortitude to be able to focus on one person... much less multiple ones. They also don't have the ethical framework to be truly 'open' about their activities. If they were, there would be alot more open, polygamous relationships and people embracing those. But they don't.

 

Most people prefer monogamous relationships... and the best way to screen for those who are capable of that are to pick ones who are already in that habit and demonstrate it with their behavior from day one.

 

....long story short. Screen for the kind of relationship you want. If monogamy is what you want, don't date 'multi-daters'. If you want an open, polyamorous relationship, date those who are 'open' multi-daters.

 

If you want someone who can't be open and honest OR can't be monogamous... date the kind of 'multi-dater' described on this thread. The ones who need to keep their other dates 'private'.

 

... and regarding the first meeting is just a meeting idea. Why not put off the 'first meeting' until you've ruled out the others?? What is so hard about that? That way, if you hit it off, there is no confusion and your time is free to set up another date without 'better dealing' another person and wasting their time by canceling on them at the last minute or coming up with some lame excuse. That is just rude.

Edited October 1, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[oaks]

No it wouldn't work for me, because like I said, I have no problem with multi-dating in and by itself. I only find it a problem when someone starts fooling around with multiple people while dating someone else for a relationship and is at the same time keeping everyone in the dark, i.e. keeping it a secret.

 

Oh. Okay. I think I get it. I don't see anything wrong with your viewpoint.

 

Just telling me "it's not my business" is good enough for me too.

 

I agree with that. If I ask any question in the early stages of dating and I get told that it's none of my business then I'll naturally assume that the real answer to the question was the one I would least like.

 

Scernario 3: She's multi-dating. She informs all her dates that she's doing that and doesn't fool around with any of her dates. She keeps it formal until she makes a connection and tells off the rest. --> Green light, she's single and not involved with another man.

 

Scenario 4: She's multi-dating. She doesn't tell any of her dates that she's doing that and she fools around with nearly all of her dates. She kisses some guys, gives blow jobs or hand jobs to others and even f*cks several guys. All the while we're dating each other for a relationship. --> Red light, I got tricked and kept in the dark. I'm disappointed when I find out and stop dating her.

 

I think there's a wide gap between 3 and 4, although I suspect you wouldn't be happy with any of it.

 

What's actually wrong with dating someone who is multi-dating but isn't fooling around with anyone (eg, nothing more intimate than a kiss on each cheek at the beginning and end of a date) and isn't disclosing this to anyone unless they ask and, when asked, always telling the truth, and only multi-dating for the first handful of dates? (I ask because that's closest to what I've found myself doing on occasion.)

 

Anyway, thanks for your response. We have different views on this, but I think we can at least have a rational discussion... something I feel is impossible with some other folk.

[oaks]

Really, really don't understand the multi-dating phenomena. Wait. yes I do.

 

It's about people who need attention, are indecisive, or don't give a crap about others.

 

You were right the first time; You don't understand it. That's fine - you don't have to like it.

[oaks]

It is understood multidaters rationalize what they do. However, they should not hide that info from people that are not interested in dating someone that is actively engaging others. That is dishonest behavior and that is why IMO most multidaters become cheaters later on in life. In essence they are already practicing cheating.

 

I know it's only your opinion, so you're entitled to it, but do you have anything other than a hunch or perhaps an anecdote to suggest that multidaters are more likely to go on to cheat on their eventual partners any more than anyone else?

 

IMO your opinion is hogwash, but that's just my opinion.

[Nexus One]

What's actually wrong with dating someone who is multi-dating but isn't fooling around with anyone (eg, nothing more intimate than a kiss on each cheek at the beginning and end of a date) and isn't disclosing this to anyone unless they ask and, when asked, always telling the truth, and only multi-dating for the first handful of dates? (I ask because that's closest to what I've found myself doing on occasion.)

 

That doesn't sound so bad, but personally I don't like the "don't ask, don't tell" rule many multi-daters apply, because while you yourself might not take it that far with your dates, some people will. In that case "don't ask, don't tell" becomes a way to hide things from the people who are involved.

 

While I think you're reasonable in the way you go about multi-dating, because you keep things formal, personally I still prefer transparency, just to give people a chance to make an informed choice.

Edited October 2, 2011 by Nexus One

[oaks]

no i think it is true too, women need to appreciate us good men more

 

You're a good man? I'm confused. I'm fairly sure you were writing as a woman in July when you were telling us how you hung out with a guy twice but didn't put out. It was in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=285618

 

 

You were asked about this in another of your threads not too long ago, but I don't recall any clarification, so you'll forgive me if I consider your posts to be for entertainment purposes only.

[oaks]

That doesn't sound so bad, but personally I don't like the "don't ask, don't tell" rule many multi-daters apply, because while you yourself might not take it that far with your dates, some people will. In that case "don't ask, don't tell" becomes a way to hide things from the people who are involved.

 

While I think you're reasonable in the way you go about multi-dating, because you keep things formal, personally I still prefer transparency, just to give people a chance to make an informed choice.

 

It sounds like we've almost found some common ground.

 

Can you give me some good examples of how you raise the topic/question of whether someone is multi-dating? It's probably something that I could/should ask about sooner when I'm dating (even though I might be happy with a wider range of answers than you).

 

I think the last time I raised the topic with someone it was after a few dates, by which time I was no longer seeing anyone else (although I had been on some first dates and one second date with other people), so I volunteered that I wasn't seeing anyone else rather than directly asking if she was. Her response was something like "Well, you should"!

[ThsAmericanLife]

You were right the first time; You don't understand it. That's fine - you don't have to like it.

 

as long as you tell your dates that you are 'multi-dating', then they can make the best choices for themselves.

 

I've never personally met a person who multi-dates in a respectful way without some level of subterfuge. Maybe you are the exception.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I know it's only your opinion, so you're entitled to it, but do you have anything other than a hunch or perhaps an anecdote to suggest that multidaters are more likely to go on to cheat on their eventual partners any more than anyone else?

 

IMO your opinion is hogwash, but that's just my opinion.

 

a) Consider the behaviors necessary to 'successfully' multi-date and see if there is any commonality between the behaviors necessary to successfully cheat/lie to a future partner. I see plenty.

 

b) consider the emotional reasons people have for 'multi-dating'. They want lots of 'options', they are afraid to commit any length of time to focusing on one person (are a few weeks going to kill you...REALLY??), and are not comfortable with open communication. The idea of 'lets go with the flow... oops! my dick is in you! Oops! so is his! Wowsers... how did THAT happen?!" I'm being sarcastic... but I really do believe that the one main reason so many people doing OLD are multi-daters is because they had a habit of 'multi-dating' well before then... and THAT is why they are single.

 

These are underlying personality characteristics of people who have a pattern of cheating... or at the very least commitment-phobic.

 

Grass is always greener somewhere else.

[Pierre]

as long as you tell your dates that you are 'multi-dating', then they can make the best choices for themselves.

 

I've never personally met a person who multi-dates in a respectful way without some level of subterfuge. Maybe you are the exception.

 

Exactly!

 

Folks that multi date are very good at keeping relationships in different compartments. This is the hallmark of a cheater.

[bluenightowl]

Exactly!

 

Folks that multi date are very good at keeping relationships in different compartments. This is the hallmark of a cheater.

 

I think there is a difference between people having one or two coffee dates and someone dating longer and in more intimate ways.

 

I don't think all people are cheaters who have a few initial dates and esp. if they disclose that information.

 

However, I think there are people out there who are emotionally messed up, and while they may not be deliberately cheating, they may not have the mental energy to think beyond themselves. They are selfish ultimately, but then again so many people are selfish. Our job is to see the signs and make appropriate decisions.

[ChessPieceFace]

Do people find people are hooking up faster these days. You hear of the 3 or 4 date rule where after 3-4 dates (sometimes sooner) people start to have sex.

 

I always thought of the 3-date rule as an ABSOLUTE MINIMUM, not a RECOMMENDATION. Like if you did it on the 1st or 2nd, that means you are having cheap sex and messing up any chance at a real relationship. Personally, though, I can't imagine doing it that early on.

[oaks]

Exactly!

 

Folks that multi date are very good at keeping relationships in different compartments. This is the hallmark of a cheater.

 

Oh well. I guess I have all this cheating to look forward to, because it's never happened in the past.

[Pierre]

Oh well. I guess I have all this cheating to look forward to, because it's never happened in the past.

 

One thing that cheaters do well is to have separate compartments where they see other people.

 

If a person cannot live in different compartments then cheating is extremely hard to do or is discovered right away.

 

A person that is able to multidate is likely good separating each date in its own compartment.

 

Multidating is simply a risk factor.

 

For example multidating folks can be sexual with several dates and this does not seem to affect them negatively. In fact, a poster in this thread implied it was a natural thing.

 

A cheater is basically a person that can have a relationship with more than one person at a time and is able to act normally with her SO at home.

[Cypress25]

If you'd take the time to illustrate your preferred dating style in advance, that might turn some people off. It might turn some people on.

 

My dating style is very clear to the guys I date. I make it clear by my actions, not by asking personal questions and demanding information from them. I take it slow. I limit physical intimacy in the early stages of dating. I don't have sex outside of committed relationships. Men can tell from my behavior that I'm a relationship type of girl.

 

but I really do believe that the one main reason so many people doing OLD are multi-daters is because they had a habit of 'multi-dating' well before then

 

People who do OLD often multi-date because they treat dating like a job search. If you're looking for a job, you wouldn't apply for just one job or go on just one job interview, because what if you don't get the job? OLD takes the same approach. Most online daters don't plan on juggling several people for an extended period of time. They might multi-date briefly, just in case things don't progress beyond the first or second date. They probably assume everyone else is doing the same thing.

 

as long as you tell your dates that you are 'multi-dating', then they can make the best choices for themselves.

 

As far as OLD is concerned, most websites have a space in the profile where users can specify what they're looking for. One of the options is "wants to date but nothing serious." Another option is "isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment." If someone chooses one of those options, it's pretty clear that they are looking for something noncommittal. My profile says "looking for a relationship," so it's right there. I don't respond to guys who select one of the other two options, because they really mean "just wants to hit it."

 

The thing is, it's up to each individual person to protect themselves from any risk they're taking. I protect myself from players by reserving sex for committed relationships. I protect myself from chronic multi-daters by expecting exclusivity after a certain period of time. I make it impossible for anyone to take advantage of me. I don't have to worry if the guy is dating other girls because if he is, he'll never get what he wants from me. If he wants a monogamous relationship with me, then he'll ask for it within a reasonable amount of time.

[oaks]

A cheater is basically a person that can have a relationship with more than one person at a time and is able to act normally with her SO at home.

 

A cheater is also someone who breaks a promise or commitment. I don't see a connection between dating several people when you are single and uncommitted and that behaviour leading to a later inability to stick to a commitment of exclusivity with a single partner.

 

Personally (and I know other views exist) I find the idea of cheating on a girlfriend/wife abhorrent and I can't imagine a situation where it would happen, but in the early stages of dating when I've made no such agreement/commitment/promise then I see no problem with getting to know (in a non-sexual manner) more than one person with a view to focussing on the one with the most compatibility for a relationship.