4 dates too late

[oaks]

The thing is, it's up to each individual person to protect themselves from any risk they're taking. I protect myself from players by reserving sex for committed relationships. I protect myself from chronic multi-daters by expecting exclusivity after a certain period of time. I make it impossible for anyone to take advantage of me. I don't have to worry if the guy is dating other girls because if he is, he'll never get what he wants from me. If he wants a monogamous relationship with me, then he'll ask for it within a reasonable amount of time.

 

We're in danger of getting back on topic!

 

I generally take the same view about reserving sex for committed relationships, although I've read good arguments from people of both sexes in this forum for not waiting that long even for people who are seeking a relationship.

 

When it comes to getting to that monogamous relationship, is it important that he asks, rather than you asking? If you're on the same wavelength then it shouldn't matter who asks.

[bluenightowl]

The thing is, it's up to each individual person to protect themselves from any risk they're taking. I protect myself from players by reserving sex for committed relationships. I protect myself from chronic multi-daters by expecting exclusivity after a certain period of time. I make it impossible for anyone to take advantage of me. I don't have to worry if the guy is dating other girls because if he is, he'll never get what he wants from me. If he wants a monogamous relationship with me, then he'll ask for it within a reasonable amount of time.

 

I agree that its up to the individual to protect themselves to some extend. You have to look out for number 1, but when people knowingly can tell they are going hurt someone, I would think they share some responsibility to communicate their intentions.

 

I think even some multi-daters are quite open and honest about their sexual activities if asked. There are lots of people it seems who are looking for a LTR and happy to have casual sex until someone spectacular emerges. They may not ultimately want to continue this way, but will be happy to sex if the opportunity emerges. They aren't cheating because they are being honest if asked, but many people might still 'feel' hurt by such behaviour. Such people are less likely to let sex dictate when a commitment occurs whether 3-4 dates or 10. In a way that a great thing not to let sex dictate whether a relationship forms because of clouded chemicals in the brain, but so many can't overcome them and thus you either end up in a relationship or delay sex a bit.

[Cypress25]

A cheater is also someone who breaks a promise or commitment. I don't see a connection between dating several people when you are single and uncommitted and that behaviour leading to a later inability to stick to a commitment of exclusivity with a single partner.

 

Personally (and I know other views exist) I find the idea of cheating on a girlfriend/wife abhorrent and I can't imagine a situation where it would happen, but in the early stages of dating when I've made no such agreement/commitment/promise then I see no problem with getting to know (in a non-sexual manner) more than one person with a view to focussing on the one with the most compatibility for a relationship.

 

Exactly how I feel. You're not cheating on anyone if you're single and unattached. And it doesn't mean you're incapable of being in a monogamous relationship once a commitment has been made.

 

When it comes to getting to that monogamous relationship, is it important that he asks, rather than you asking?

 

In theory, it shouldn't matter who asks, but I always wait for the guy to ask. I have this fear that if I ask him, he'll say yes even if he doesn't really want to, just to be polite. Or he might flat-out reject me, lol. I feel better knowing that the desire for a relationship came from him. It reassures me that he really wants it.

 

I agree that its up to the individual to protect themselves to some extend. You have to look out for number 1, but when people knowingly can tell they are going hurt someone, I would think they share some responsibility to communicate their intentions.

 

They absolutely share some of the responsibility, but you can't control other people. You can only control yourself. So rather than saying "He should behave this way so I don't get hurt," I say to myself "I'm going to behave this way so I don't get hurt."

[ThsAmericanLife]

One thing that cheaters do well is to have separate compartments where they see other people.

 

If a person cannot live in different compartments then cheating is extremely hard to do or is discovered right away.

 

A person that is able to multidate is likely good separating each date in its own compartment.

 

Multidating is simply a risk factor.

 

For example multidating folks can be sexual with several dates and this does not seem to affect them negatively. In fact, a poster in this thread implied it was a natural thing.

 

A cheater is basically a person that can have a relationship with more than one person at a time and is able to act normally with her SO at home.

 

or his...

 

I agree with you that 'multi-dating' is a risk factor.

 

It is just way too easy to avoid multi-dating altogether for me to believe that the opposite is innocent.

 

I just like knowing that if I go out with a guy, and the date goes well, that we can make another date without having to come up with some BS reason why we can't... It's like... yea, that was a great date (not). let me go out with this other person before I decide out great it was.... and then maybe I'll keep my original plans with you...

 

Can anyone else see what a &*^* buzz kill that is?

 

oh, hey, let's go out for coffee on a (wednesday)... Great time! The weather is awesome on Saturday! The other person says "Lets' get together!"

 

(internal dialogue) Oh, no... I can't. I have to a) cancel on someone who planned his/her day around that event b) put off a nice time with you. See... there is no way I can do this thing on Saturday with you without being an a-hole in some way or lying.

 

oh WAIT! Maybe if we have SEX tonight!!! then you'll think we're in a relationship, and I can still do my thing with the other person on Saturday, and put you off till next week with a stupid lame excuse and you'll believe it cause we just had sex! Yea!

 

(wakes up the next day, going. Hmmm. I still don't know what to do about Saturday...)

 

See where this is going????

 

Just stop multi-dating people. It's messed up.

[Cypress25]

oh WAIT! Maybe if we have SEX tonight!!! then you'll think we're in a relationship, and I can still do my thing with the other person on Saturday, and put you off till next week with a stupid lame excuse and you'll believe it cause we just had sex!

 

If you're stupid enough to fall for that, then it's your own fault. You decide when to have sex. If you decide to have sex with someone before you know their intentions, you have only yourself to blame. Don't be an idiot, and you won't get hurt.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Exactly how I feel. You're not cheating on anyone if you're single and unattached. And it doesn't mean you're incapable of being in a monogamous relationship once a commitment has been made.

 

 

 

In theory, it shouldn't matter who asks, but I always wait for the guy to ask. I have this fear that if I ask him, he'll say yes even if he doesn't really want to, just to be polite. Or he might flat-out reject me, lol. I feel better knowing that the desire for a relationship came from him. It reassures me that he really wants it.

 

 

 

They absolutely share some of the responsibility, but you can't control other people. You can only control yourself. So rather than saying "He should behave this way so I don't get hurt," I say to myself "I'm going to behave this way so I don't get hurt."

 

I hope you insist on condoms, or he does.

 

You seem to leave an awful lot up to the guy... and you don't seem to like open communication. Which leads me to think that you are getting played quite often... are one of those who 'don't want to know'. Or, you are messing around with multiple men simultaneously. Maybe you both are.

 

insisting on dating one person at a time isn't a 'commitment'.

 

That would be marriage.

[ThsAmericanLife]

If you're stupid enough to fall for that, then it's your own fault. You decide when to have sex. If you decide to have sex with someone before you know their intentions, you have only yourself to blame. Don't be an idiot, and you won't get hurt.

 

I'm not stupid enough to date people who date others simultaneously.

 

You're the one going on faith sweetheart... and relying on stupid words like 'exclusive'... after they've been fudging about their whereabouts for who knows how long...

 

You're the one getting played or justifying playing... Not me.

[ThsAmericanLife]

A cheater is also someone who breaks a promise or commitment. I don't see a connection between dating several people when you are single and uncommitted and that behaviour leading to a later inability to stick to a commitment of exclusivity with a single partner.

 

Personally (and I know other views exist) I find the idea of cheating on a girlfriend/wife abhorrent and I can't imagine a situation where it would happen, but in the early stages of dating when I've made no such agreement/commitment/promise then I see no problem with getting to know (in a non-sexual manner) more than one person with a view to focussing on the one with the most compatibility for a relationship.

 

Sure, we can talk about the technical definition of 'cheating' all day.

 

I think what both Pierre and I are talking about are avoiding bad dating habits that lead to future cheating...

 

and this is what I've said all along... choose a dating style that suits the kind of relationship you want.

 

If a monogamous relationship is what you are looking for, you don't choose a dating style that is incongruous with that style of relationship.

 

Multi-dating has a very high potential to develop BAD habits for people who want to have a monogamous relationship or is looking for those traits in others.

 

If you like serial dating... if you want multiple sex partners... blah blah, then by all means. Multi-date till the cows come home. Who the f*ck cares.

 

But noone is going to convince ME that someone who is capable and is LOOKING for a committed, monogamous relationship EMBRACES multi-dating.

 

Total BS.

 

... and I see no reason why people can't see one person at a time, rule them out, then see the next one. If they feel the need to see multiple people simultaneously, then (IMHO) they have a) waaay too much time on their hands b) no interest in getting to know me c) just enjoys attention and dates as a hobby.

Edited October 3, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[Cypress25]

I hope you insist on condoms, or he does.

 

I've never had sex without a condom. I've also never had sex outside of a committed relationship. I know I've said that before, but I don't have sex until we've had the exclusivity talk. Even then, I wait several months before having sex because I want to make sure he's for real. Unless we're in a monogamous boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, there will be no sex.

 

You seem to leave an awful lot up to the guy... and you don't seem to like open communication.

 

I'm all about open communication, I just leave it up to him to make the first moves in the beginning because it's not in my nature to be the aggressor.

 

Which leads me to think that you are getting played quite often... are one of those who 'don't want to know'.

 

It's impossible to get played when you have strict boundaries in place. That's why I limit physical intimacy in the early stages of dating. If we're not exclusive, then it won't go beyond kissing or making out. That's why I don't need to know if he's dating other girls at that point, because he's not getting anything from me anyway. Players don't waste their time with girls like me. Unless they enjoy blue balls.

 

Or, you are messing around with multiple men simultaneously.

 

Nope, I've never done that either. And I know I've said that before. I know how to protect myself, that's all. I don't do stupid things like sleep with a guy who may or may not be dating other people.

 

insisting on dating one person at a time isn't a 'commitment'.

 

I call that a relationship. If two people agree that they will only date each other and not date anyone else, they're an exclusive couple. Until they've had that talk and made that promise to each other, they're both single and free to date whoever they want. That's why you need to ask for exclusivity if you want it. No one can read your mind.

[ThsAmericanLife]

My dating style is very clear to the guys I date. I make it clear by my actions, not by asking personal questions and demanding information from them. I take it slow. I limit physical intimacy in the early stages of dating. I don't have sex outside of committed relationships. Men can tell from my behavior that I'm a relationship type of girl.

 

 

 

People who do OLD often multi-date because they treat dating like a job search. If you're looking for a job, you wouldn't apply for just one job or go on just one job interview, because what if you don't get the job? OLD takes the same approach. Most online daters don't plan on juggling several people for an extended period of time. They might multi-date briefly, just in case things don't progress beyond the first or second date. They probably assume everyone else is doing the same thing.

 

 

 

As far as OLD is concerned, most websites have a space in the profile where users can specify what they're looking for. One of the options is "wants to date but nothing serious." Another option is "isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment." If someone chooses one of those options, it's pretty clear that they are looking for something noncommittal. My profile says "looking for a relationship," so it's right there. I don't respond to guys who select one of the other two options, because they really mean "just wants to hit it."

 

The thing is, it's up to each individual person to protect themselves from any risk they're taking. I protect myself from players by reserving sex for committed relationships. I protect myself from chronic multi-daters by expecting exclusivity after a certain period of time. I make it impossible for anyone to take advantage of me. I don't have to worry if the guy is dating other girls because if he is, he'll never get what he wants from me. If he wants a monogamous relationship with me, then he'll ask for it within a reasonable amount of time.

 

So, all he has to do is say he wants to be exclusive, and then it's a green light?

 

Men lie about that all of the time... How do you know they aren't still seeing the other ladies?

 

And if he did, well, its not like he's 'cheating'. You aren't committed or anything...

[ThsAmericanLife]

That's why you need to ask for exclusivity if you want it. No one can read your mind.

 

Didn't you just spend multiple threads saying that you don't ask for it? that you wait for the guy to ask for it?

 

Ok...

 

Now I see why Nexus gets so annoyed in these conversations with you.

 

Never ending circle...

 

Honestly, I don't care if you want to wait 10 years before having sex with a guy.

 

I personally am not going to invest my very valuable nights and weekends with someone who is dating other people and having to lie about their whereabouts when we try to make plans... while I'm trying to develop some semblance of trust/honesty.

 

So go ahead an multi-date all you want. I really don't care.

 

All I know is that I won't be going out with men who do it. And eventually, there will be plenty of other people who feel the same.... and you can have the players/liars and maybe, just maybe, I'll end up with someone who knows what they want.

[Cypress25]

You're the one going on faith sweetheart... and relying on stupid words like 'exclusive'... after they've been fudging about their whereabouts for who knows how long...

 

You know, I've never found myself with a guy who was fudging about his whereabouts, mostly because I don't ask guys for their whereabouts when they're not with me. And you can tell. If I'm dating a guy who seems to be blowing me off, I stop dating him. Usually what happens is we start dating, and over the course of a few weeks, we spend more and more time together, until he asks for an exclusive relationship.

 

You're the one getting played or justifying playing...

 

Oh yes, I'm getting played for a kiss! That's what players really want, you know. They just string me along, getting all the kisses they want for free. I'm such a fool, how could I not see it? A guy takes me out on dates, insists on paying, talks to me, gets to know me, spends time with me, makes out with me a little, respects my boundaries about sex, and then asks me for an exclusive relationship after a few weeks, and then waits an additional 2-3 months for sex...I'VE BEEN PLAYED! NOOO! How could I be so naive?!

 

If you like serial dating... if you want multiple sex partners... blah blah, then by all means. Multi-date till the cows come home. Who the f*ck cares.

 

Multiple sex partners? LOL, I love it! You'd laugh if you knew how many guys I've had sex with in my life. In fact, you probably wouldn't believe me. And I've never multi-dated myself. I don't even know if I've dated guys who were multi-dating. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't. It wasn't my concern. I've never been taken advantage of because I don't allow it.

[Cypress25]

I personally am not going to invest my very valuable nights and weekends with someone who is dating other people and having to lie about their whereabouts when we try to make plans... while I'm trying to develop some semblance of trust/honesty.

 

That's never happened to me. I wouldn't date someone who treated me like that.

 

So go ahead an multi-date all you want.

 

I don't, because I don't like to. But other people are free to do it if they want.

 

Didn't you just spend multiple threads saying that you don't ask for it? that you wait for the guy to ask for it?

 

Yep, but I don't wait that long. If he doesn't ask for it within a reasonable period of time, I assume he doesn't want it and I just walk away. I don't mind waiting 1-2 months for him to ask because I need that much time to decide how I feel about him. If he asked for exclusivity right away, I'd be freaked out. Now, it's entirely possible that neither of us is dating anyone else that whole time. Even if he waits 2 months to ask, that doesn't necessarily mean he was dating other people that whole time. In fact, he probably wasn't. But you know how guys are, they don't want to ask too soon because they don't want to seem desperate.

 

I don't assume anything until we've talked about it. To me, that's just the natural progression of a relationship. I've never had to make demands on anyone and I've never had to worry about guys using me, because I don't let them use me.

[Cypress25]

So, all he has to do is say he wants to be exclusive, and then it's a green light?

 

Nope, he's got to prove it. And that takes months. When I was younger, it took years. If he was just in it for sex, he wouldn't wait around that long, that's for sure.

 

Men lie about that all of the time... How do you know they aren't still seeing the other ladies?

 

I wouldn't take his word for it. Not right away, at least. His actions have to back it up. When you're in a long-term relationship with someone, you spend a lot of time with them. And it's quite possible that he was never seeing other ladies.

 

And if he did, well, its not like he's 'cheating'. You aren't committed or anything...

 

Once you agree to be in an exclusive relationship, you're committed. At that point, it would be cheating if he was dating other girls. That's what happens when you make the transition from "dating" to "in a relationship." A relationship is monogamous. Period.

[Nexus One]

Once you agree to be in an exclusive relationship, you're committed. At that point, it would be cheating if he was dating other girls.

 

But one day before that happens, just after your last date, a guy can still line up 300 naked woman, ask them to bend over...and f*ck each an every one of them. And it would be respectful, loyal, and ethical, according to your logic.

Edited October 3, 2011 by Nexus One

[Cypress25]

But one day before that happens, a guy can still line up 300 naked woman, ask them to bend over...and f*ck each an every one of them. According to your logic.

 

Theoretically, but I find it hard to believe that would ever happen. Seems rather far-fetched to me. I don't worry about things like that, since I live in the real world. Besides, if a guy is asking to be in a relationship with me, it's probably because he likes me. If he's making the decision to commit to me now, who cares what he did before, when we were both single? It's irrelevant, because now it's just the two of us.

[Nexus One]

Theoretically, but I find it hard to believe that would ever happen. Seems rather far-fetched to me. I don't worry about things like that, since I live in the real world.

 

I exaggerated the number to make my point. Whether he f*cks 1 woman or 300 doesn't matter in my opinion.

 

Besides, if a guy is asking to be in a relationship with me, it's probably because he likes me. If he's making the decision to commit to me now, who cares what he did before, when we were both single? It's irrelevant, because now it's just the two of us.

 

If he's willing to screw you over during the dating process, chances are he's willing to screw you over when you both are boyfriend and girlfriend. But according to you it's ethical to do that during the dating process and his entire behavior will change after the magic word 'exclusivity'.

Edited October 4, 2011 by Nexus One

[Cypress25]

If he's willing to screw you over during the dating process, chances are he's willing to screw you over when you both are boyfriend and girlfriend. But according to you it's ethical to do that during the dating process, but his entire behavior will magically change after the magic word 'exclusivity'.

 

I don't see it as screwing me over. If we never made any promises to each other, we're both single and free to do what we want. Besides, I don't have to worry that he might have been sleeping with other girls during the dating process because if he was, he would have dumped me a long time ago. If he wanted to sleep around, why would he put up with me? That's the beauty of waiting for sex. He's not going to wait for me unless he's serious about me.

 

I don't expect his entire behavior to change. I expect him to continue treating me well and with respect, just like he did when we were dating. If he was multi-dating, of course that would stop, but that's the only thing that would change. And it's perfectly reasonable to expect that. People make that change all the time. That's why being in a relationship is different from being single. When you're single, you can multi-date if you want. When you're in a relationship, you stop multi-dating and you focus exclusively on your partner. It's really not a difficult transition to make. People do it successfully every day.

 

Multi-dating when you're single is not cheating. It's just being single. People who do that are certainly capable of being faithful to one person when they make a commitment. Going from single to in a relationship doesn't mean you have to change your entire personality.

[Nexus One]

Multi-dating when you're single is not cheating. It's just being single. People who do that are certainly capable of being faithful to one person when they make a commitment. Going from single to in a relationship doesn't mean you have to change your entire personality.

 

You're always twisting my words, always. I have said more than 10 times that multi-dating in itself is not the problem. You're just twisting my words on purpose, if you do it that often, then it just can't be a coincidence Cypress.

 

You know what it is Cypress. You know what the difference is between me and people who think like you? I believe that love can't just be turned on like a light switch only once the word exclusivity falls. It's a process that grows, a bond that grows, a connection that grows and that can already happen during the dating process if you're dating for a relationship. And it doesn't feel right to go and f*ck someone else while I would be building such a bond with a potential significant other.

 

It will always come down to respect, loyalty, decency, ethics and building beautiful memories. I just don't see any of those things when dating someone who then during the dating process goes f*cking other people. Doing that is an insult, to each and every of those things I mentioned. Not to mention an insult to your future SO.

Edited October 4, 2011 by Nexus One

[Cypress25]

Calm down. I'm not twisting your words. If you don't have a problem with multi-dating, then stop arguing against it so vehemently.

 

I believe that love can't just be turned on like a light switch only once the word exclusivity falls. It's a process that grows, a bond that grows, a connection that grows and that can already happen during the dating process if you're dating for a relationship.

 

Hey, we actually agree on something. I never said I fall in love with someone as soon as we become exclusive. That would be weird. I just said that you're not obligated to each other unless you're exclusive. Can't own someone right off the bat, can you?

 

And it doesn't feel right to go and f*ck someone else while I would be building such a bond with a potential significant other.

 

Then don't do it. No one is going to do something they don't want to do. If I start dating a guy who doesn't want to date anyone else, then I don't need to tell him not to date anyone else. I don't need to make any demands on him. It's totally unnecessary for me to show up to a first date and lay down the law with him, telling him that I don't tolerate multi-dating. Because he's not a multi-dater anyway. See, you might get the behavior you want even if you don't demand it.

 

The opposite is also true. Just because you demand certain behavior doesn't mean you're going to get it. You think you're immune to being lied to? You can't force people to be honest with you. Either they'll choose to be honest with you or they'll choose to lie to you. You can't control that.

 

I just don't see any of those things when dating someone who then during the dating process goes f*cking other people.

 

Dating doesn't equal f*cking. Besides, you never know who's lying to you. That's a risk that everyone takes; you're not safe from it. When you give a girl an ultimatum on the first date, you kind of encourage lying.

[Nexus One]

Calm down. I'm not twisting your words. If you don't have a problem with multi-dating, then stop arguing against it so vehemently.

 

And you do it again. I'm not arguing against multi-dating. I'm arguing against people who fool around with other people while dating someone for a relationship while keeping that person in the dark about it.

 

Hey, we actually agree on something. I never said I fall in love with someone as soon as we become exclusive. That would be weird. I just said that you're not obligated to each other unless you're exclusive. Can't own someone right off the bat, can you?

 

*facepalm*, never mind Cypress, really, never mind.

 

If I start dating a guy who doesn't want to date anyone else, then I don't need to tell him not to date anyone else. I don't need to make any demands on him. It's totally unnecessary for me to show up to a first date and lay down the law with him, telling him that I don't tolerate multi-dating. Because he's not a multi-dater anyway. See, you might get the behavior you want even if you don't demand it.

 

I'm starting to get the idea that you are really f*cking dense you know that?

 

1. I tolerate multi-dating. I have no problem with it when done properly/respectfully. How many times have I explained that to you? Nothing's coming through is there?

 

2. I don't tell anyone what to do. I don't lay down demands. I just leave when I find out when a girl/woman is already involved with another man. You're twisting sh*t, as always.

 

I said it's disrespectful and unethical to fool around with other people while you're dating someone for a relationship, i.e. with the goal being a relationship.

 

You on the other hand justify it.

 

The opposite is also true. Just because you demand certain behavior doesn't mean you're going to get it. You think you're immune to being lied to? You can't force people to be honest with you. Either they'll choose to be honest with you or they'll choose to lie to you. You can't control that.

 

When someone lies about it and I find out I'm gone just as well. F*ck em.

 

Dating doesn't equal f*cking. Besides, you never know who's lying to you. That's a risk that everyone takes; you're not safe from it. When you give a girl an ultimatum on the first date, you kind of encourage lying.

 

I don't give an ultimatum, I JUST LEAVE. Why doesn't anything penetrate your skull Cypress? I've said that already I don't know HOW MANY TIMES.

 

You and Disenchantedly Yours really make a great team, a discussion with you two is really f*cking pointless. When I say A, you think I mean B, when I say, no I really do mean A and not B, then you keep talking as if I'm saying B. And you do it again and again and again.

 

You're either really f*cking dumb or you're trolling me and laughing from behind your keyboard about how that guy keeps reacting to your flamebaits. For your sake I'm hoping you're f*cking with me.

Edited October 4, 2011 by Nexus One

[oaks]

If you like serial dating... if you want multiple sex partners... blah blah, then by all means. Multi-date till the cows come home. Who the f*ck cares.

 

But noone is going to convince ME that someone who is capable and is LOOKING for a committed, monogamous relationship EMBRACES multi-dating.

 

Total BS.

 

... and I see no reason why people can't see one person at a time, rule them out, then see the next one. If they feel the need to see multiple people simultaneously, then (IMHO) they have a) waaay too much time on their hands b) no interest in getting to know me c) just enjoys attention and dates as a hobby.

 

Serial dating - that sounds just like what you're advocating - ie seeing one person at a time! It sounds fine to me, although sometimes I'm also happy dating more than one person for a few dates.

 

Multiple sex partners - that's not for me. I don't want to have sex with someone I've only met a few times and I don't think that's any different whether I'm seeing just one or a few people. There's a blind assumption on the part of multi-dating haters that it involves having multiple sex partners, and then that line keeps getting trotted out as a reason why multi-dating is inherently bad. I can't see that behaviour stopping, no matter how many times it gets explained that multi-dating doesn't always involve multiple sex partners (or even any sex partners!).

 

As for your last points: I don't see that it's a problem that I have enough time to schedule some dates. I think I'm just as interested in getting to know all my dates, although of course it's often the case that after 1 or 2 dates I learn all I ever want to know about a person (ie, I don't want to see them again). Finally, yes I enjoy the attention of an attentive and interested woman. That's why I'm putting some effort into looking for her!

 

We may have to agree to disagree on some of your concerns.

[bluenightowl]

Serial dating - that sounds just like what you're advocating - ie seeing one person at a time! It sounds fine to me, although sometimes I'm also happy dating more than one person for a few dates.

 

Multiple sex partners - that's not for me. I don't want to have sex with someone I've only met a few times and I don't think that's any different whether I'm seeing just one or a few people. There's a blind assumption on the part of multi-dating haters that it involves having multiple sex partners, and then that line keeps getting trotted out as a reason why multi-dating is inherently bad. I can't see that behaviour stopping, no matter how many times it gets explained that multi-dating doesn't always involve multiple sex partners (or even any sex partners!).

 

As for your last points: I don't see that it's a problem that I have enough time to schedule some dates. I think I'm just as interested in getting to know all my dates, although of course it's often the case that after 1 or 2 dates I learn all I ever want to know about a person (ie, I don't want to see them again). Finally, yes I enjoy the attention of an attentive and interested woman. That's why I'm putting some effort into looking for her!

 

We may have to agree to disagree on some of your concerns.

 

I get your arguments, but are you suggesting have a single sex partner is okay, and then simply dating the other ones? If I was the guy she was having sex with, I really wouldn't be too happy if she later kept dating other people even if there was no sex involved. Likewise, its not that great to find out the person you're dating (no sex) is having sex with another person they are dating.

 

For me a few intro dates (no sex with anyone) is fine because we're basically strangers, but I too would quickly home in and focus my attention on one person. Ideally I think dating one person at a time reduces the risk of the drama the most.

[oaks]

I get your arguments, but are you suggesting have a single sex partner is okay, and then simply dating the other ones?

 

No, I'm not saying that.

[bluenightowl]

No, I'm not saying that.

 

ok. I see you are from the UK. MY understanding is its not so common there for people to multi-date as it is in the U.S.