4 dates too late

[ThsAmericanLife]

Are you saying that multi-daters can't come up with better date ideas than having coffee? Outrageous!

 

okay, silly...

[bluenightowl]

Why entertain another first date? Just go out with the first one a few more times then decide. Why is it that tough?? That's what you'd do in real life.

 

If they want to 'date' one or two people, then fine. They can do it on someone else's time. Not mine.

 

I don't consider them 'cheaters'. Just not a good investment in my time. I'm not here to give them 'options', fill up their nights/weekends, and pump up their egos.

 

In real life I'd date one person. In OLD, you are presented with too many people. esp women. Is it so crazy to not know after a first date. I think not. In OLD you have that opportunity to date more than one person. If that first date wasn't amazing, you might try another person. I can totally see why people do it. They mean no harm, they just want to find the best match for them.

 

As you know I take exception only when someone uses you to get over a relationship, to use you for sex so they can feel validated and then string you along. They are likely a good person, mixed up, but whatever, you must tell them and show them that is not the way to behave and dump them for that behaviour.

 

But naah a coffee date, I'll never be hurt if she realized she would prefer to date someone else. It probably saved us going on several unnecessary dates and wasting my time even more and I'd rather than then going on 5 dates with one person at a time to only get dumped.

 

You seem hung up on one person at a time, I'm more into respect and how I feel. A girl who knows sooner she isn't into me (after 1-2 dates) is better than a girl who sticks to this idea of only dating one person at a time and I find out 5 dates later she isn't into me.

[ThsAmericanLife]

In real life I'd date one person. In OLD, you are presented with too many people. esp women. Is it so crazy to not know after a first date. I think not. In OLD you have that opportunity to date more than one person. If that first date wasn't amazing, you might try another person. I can totally see why people do it. They mean no harm, they just want to find the best match for them.

 

As you know I take exception only when someone uses you to get over a relationship, to use you for sex so they can feel validated and then string you along. They are likely a good person, mixed up, but whatever, you must tell them and show them that is not the way to behave and dump them for that behaviour.

 

But naah a coffee date, I'll never be hurt if she realized she would prefer to date someone else. It probably saved us going on several unnecessary dates and wasting my time even more and I'd rather than then going on 5 dates with one person at a time to only get dumped.

 

You seem hung up on one person at a time, I'm more into respect and how I feel. A girl who knows sooner she isn't into me (after 1-2 dates) is better than a girl who sticks to this idea of only dating one person at a time and I find out 5 dates later she isn't into me.

 

I know it appears that way (being hung up on one person) but it isn't like that at all. I just want the best possible start to a potential relationship as possible.

 

I'm not seeing how a foundation of trust starts with multidating, and I don't want the drama. It's not any more complicated than that.

 

I really don't need to date other men simultaneously to decide I'm not into someone. One doesn't gain or lose favor with me based on the other available options...

 

to use maybe a lame analogy...If I'm going to the store for apples, I'm not going to buy oranges just because I'm hungry.

[bluenightowl]

 

I know it appears that way (being hung up on one person) but it isn't like that at all. I just want the best possible start to a potential relationship as possible.

 

I'm not seeing how a foundation of trust starts with multidating, and I don't want the drama. It's not any more complicated than that.

 

 

This makes sense. I also like to think of how looking back one might describe the start of a relationship. If its full of drama and lies, sex with regret, hot/cold/confusion, that may not be the memory we are looking to have, nor the best foundation for a long term relationship.

[LittleTiger]

I can't believe all you guys (and girls) take this dating thing so seriously! A date is just a date - it's not the beginning of a relationship! (If you get really, really lucky it might be but, unless there are a lot of 'not-very-fussy-about-who-you-have-a-relationship-with' people out there most dates lead nowhere.

 

You're not 'seeing someone' until you've both decided you're 'seeing someone'. This is my major objection to OLD (and I'm a fan). I don't know what it's like from a man's point of view, but I found that most men think you practically belong to them because you've exchanged a few emails, talked on the phone and had a cup of coffee! 'A cup of coffee does not equal a relationship!'

 

IMO, the only bad thing about multi-dating is dishonesty.

[Emilia]

 

You seem hung up on one person at a time, I'm more into respect and how I feel. A girl who knows sooner she isn't into me (after 1-2 dates) is better than a girl who sticks to this idea of only dating one person at a time and I find out 5 dates later she isn't into me.

 

That's just fear talking. This is why I don't multi date, I want to find out what the person is like because he deserves my undivided attention. It's not about being 'hung up on one person', it's about giving dating a chance and that usually involves more than 1 or 2 dates (unless you really don't fancy the person).

[ThsAmericanLife]

I can't believe all you guys (and girls) take this dating thing so seriously! A date is just a date - it's not the beginning of a relationship!

 

This is exactly the kind of thinking I'm trying to avoid by avoiding those who multidate.

[LittleTiger]

This is exactly the kind of thinking I'm trying to avoid by avoiding those who multidate.

 

Why though?!!! I'm actually really shocked by this!

 

If every date you go on is seen as the beginning of your next 'big romance' that's a huge amount of pressure to put on both you and your date. Imagining, or even hoping, that every person you date could be 'the one' is just crazy! Guys who think like this would have me running for the hills!!!

 

*shakes head utter amazement*

 

If you think someone stands head and shoulders above everyone else then, sure, it's probably worth a shot (assuming they think the same about you) but, unless they're pretty exceptional from the start, the chances are it is just going to be a date (or maybe two or three). There are so many Mr/Ms 'Not Right's out there, how can you possibly expect more than just a date from a date?

 

Whatever happened to just taking life as it comes?

[bluenightowl]

That's just fear talking. This is why I don't multi date, I want to find out what the person is like because he deserves my undivided attention. It's not about being 'hung up on one person', it's about giving dating a chance and that usually involves more than 1 or 2 dates (unless you really don't fancy the person).

 

No, its not about fear. To have one or two coffee dates is also about finding out what the person is like, and yes someone you like, you will continue to date and focus on them only. Those you don't fancy you might not continue to date after 1 perhaps 2 dates.

 

All I am saying is I don't see this as disrespectful. If I went on a date and I wasn't sure, I might entertain another date, and if the opportunity was there to go on another first date, I would take it.

No making out, no sex, just a great conversation.

 

If I really hit it off with someone, I'd not look to date anyone else and just date them. I wouldn't line up other dates as protection(fear) in case things didn't work out, I'd just focus on them.

 

This is what I think works best for some people looking for a LTR, but I think not multi-dating at all is an excellent approach as well.

 

Those looking for sex, casual hookups, a person to rebound on, or fun, would likely multi-date - go for early sex, you name it, and hurt lots of people along the way.

[Pierre]

No, its not about fear. To have one or two coffee dates is also about finding out what the person is like, and yes someone you like, you will continue to date and focus on them only. Those you don't fancy you might not continue to date after 1 perhaps 2 dates.

 

All I am saying is I don't see this as disrespectful. If I went on a date and I wasn't sure, I might entertain another date, and if the opportunity was there to go on another first date, I would take it.

No making out, no sex, just a great conversation.

 

If I really hit it off with someone, I'd not look to date anyone else and just date them. I wouldn't line up other dates as protection(fear) in case things didn't work out, I'd just focus on them.

 

 

As an old fashion romantic I am somewhat turned off by the concept of meeting total strangers for coffee to screen them out in my search for a mate.

 

I rather go out into the world and allow the visual of a beautiful woman to call my attention.

 

From there I prefer the concept of figuring out how to befriend such person and to see if there is some sort of chemistry.

 

From there I really enjoy the concept of a flirtatious relationship where the attraction is implied by the playful interaction. This is often a beautiful part of the initial courting.

 

From that point on there is a a moment where the relationship becomes a torrid romance.

 

This is way different than to find a list of candidates in a web site and interview each candidate while having coffee.

 

Call me old fashioned.

[oaks]

Call me old fashioned.

 

You're old fashioned.

[Pierre]

Why though?!!! I'm actually really shocked by this!

 

If every date you go on is seen as the beginning of your next 'big romance' that's a huge amount of pressure to put on both you and your date. Imagining, or even hoping, that every person you date could be 'the one' is just crazy! Guys who think like this would have me running for the hills!!!

 

*shakes head utter amazement*

 

If you think someone stands head and shoulders above everyone else then, sure, it's probably worth a shot (assuming they think the same about you) but, unless they're pretty exceptional from the start, the chances are it is just going to be a date (or maybe two or three). There are so many Mr/Ms 'Not Right's out there, how can you possibly expect more than just a date from a date?

 

Whatever happened to just taking life as it comes?

 

You make good points.

 

The problem I see is that quite often men and women have sex right away with folks that are not Mr/Mrs Right. I don't want to date someone that cannot discriminate.

 

I rather look for someone that will only consider someone that could be Mrs Right from the get go. I am not enthusiastic about "just another date" or dating for the sake of dating.

[bluenightowl]

You make good points.

 

The problem I see is that quite often men and women have sex right away with folks that are not Mr/Mrs Right. I don't want to date someone that cannot discriminate.

 

I rather look for someone that will only consider someone that could be Mrs Right from the get go. I am not enthusiastic about "just another date" or dating for the sake of dating.

 

I think this is a different argument regarding sex. But as you your other point about Mrs. Right.

 

Since you date in RL only, I can see your point about looking for Mrs Right from the get go, and you prefer to date people you have some knowledge of. I really think this is best the possible foundation for a healthy relationship.

 

Still the world we live in is changing. People still meet at bars, but now people online date. Perhaps online dating is a bit like meeting at a bar. Not the best way to start off a relationship, but it can work for some.

For those who have ever online dated, its not so easy to know after one date, but that doesn't mean their intentions to meet someone are not good.

[Pierre]

You're old fashioned.

 

Yeah!

 

I enjoy the romantic prelude.

 

I don't like to f**** in a vacuum.:laugh:

[LittleTiger]

You make good points.

 

The problem I see is that quite often men and women have sex right away with folks that are not Mr/Mrs Right. I don't want to date someone that cannot discriminate.

 

I rather look for someone that will only consider someone that could be Mrs Right from the get go. I am not enthusiastic about "just another date" or dating for the sake of dating.

 

I agree. I think the fact that many people have sex so early is the reason why multi-dating is frowned upon. Everyone seems to assume that if you've had more than one date with someone you're probably having sex. I'm sure there aren't nearly as many people 'sleeping around' as anti multi-daters seem to believe.....but perhaps I'm being naive......and old fashioned too.... I'm sure when I was young people didn't sleep around as much as they do now, but then I did lead a sheltered life so who knows!

 

I also think there is a common problem in dating these days that people are just looking for 'someone'. They'd rather have a partner that is Mr/Ms Right Now, than wait to find someone who's really compatible. So as soon as they meet 'someone' who maybe isn't 'head and shoulders above everyone else' but 'good enough', they decide to start a relationship - usually one that doesn't last.

 

If everyone discrimated more carefully and didn't bother to go on second dates in the hope that 'chemistry' would develop, there would be a lot less multi-dating. Although chemistry may grow from a small spark, under the right circumstances, I don't believe it develops from nothing. If it isn't there, and you're not interested in forming a friendship with the person, then it's probably best to say 'no thanks' and move on.

[ThsAmericanLife]

As an old fashion romantic I am somewhat turned off by the concept of meeting total strangers for coffee to screen them out in my search for a mate.

 

I rather go out into the world and allow the visual of a beautiful woman to call my attention.

 

From there I prefer the concept of figuring out how to befriend such person and to see if there is some sort of chemistry.

 

From there I really enjoy the concept of a flirtatious relationship where the attraction is implied by the playful interaction. This is often a beautiful part of the initial courting.

 

From that point on there is a a moment where the relationship becomes a torrid romance.

 

This is way different than to find a list of candidates in a web site and interview each candidate while having coffee.

 

Call me old fashioned.

 

I agree with you. Even the little flirtations that may go nowhere are SOO much more fun and exhilarating than plowing through a 'catalog'.

[LittleTiger]

I agree with you. Even the little flirtations that may go nowhere are SOO much more fun and exhilarating than plowing through a 'catalog'.

 

Of course dating in the real world is more fun, but not everybody meets lots of eligible partners on a regular basis. In which case OLD has it's place.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Of course dating in the real world is more fun, but not everybody meets lots of eligible partners on a regular basis. In which case OLD has it's place.

 

it is starting to become kind of a chicken or egg question...

 

Without OLD, people would be 'forced' to network their friends/family/work/community connections and get out from behind their computer screens.

 

I joined a hiking/biking club recently. You'd think a perfect place to meet men.

 

The last few outings I checked the sign up list. Mostly women with just a few men bringing 'guests'.

 

So, I'm moving. It HAS to be this area... really sucks for single people here.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I'd like to say that I'm very glad there are people who refuse to do OLD...

 

maybe, just maybe... one of them will ask me out in RL instead of running home to check if I have a profile online...

 

or defaulting to the OLD churn because they are too afraid of asking someone out in real life.

 

I'm not even old fashioned... just seem to be observing that the best relationships don't appear to be the ones that started online. Since I'm a scientist, and trained to look for patterns and things that 'work'... I can't really ignore that. Given my disgust with the flakiness and bad manners of alot of the men I met online... I just don't want them ruining my experience of dating or my usually very positive feelings about men.

Edited October 7, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[Floridaman]

Originally Posted by oaks

 

You're a good man? I'm confused. I'm fairly sure you were writing as a woman in July when you were telling us how you hung out with a guy twice but didn't put out. It was in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=285618

 

 

You were asked about this in another of your threads not too long ago, but I don't recall any clarification, so you'll forgive me if I consider your posts to be for entertainment purposes only.

 

Yes I apologized for that repeatedly i dont know what to say really, its just that my ex broke me to pieces when she left me, i just shouldnt have ever tried to interfere w her new life but i did, and whenever i heard new info about her life i simply needed to know what it meant in other people opinions.

So you go on an advice site and pose as a FEMALE, getting upset bec. some guy you went out with a couple of times wanted you to "put out?..."

[bluenightowl]

I'm not even old fashioned... just seem to be observing that the best relationships don't appear to be the ones that started online.

 

I don't agree with this. The world is changing and there is a whole new generation that is more comfortable with technology. OLD is becoming embedded into how the world works like anything else and it will evolve and get more mainstream (if it isn't already) and improve in its quality of experience.

As you know I'm critical of it in many ways but haven't given up on it completely.

 

The people who use it in the future will be everyone. Often when there is something new, there is that tendency to be critical of what is new, that somehow dating or whatever before it was so much better. Its never so black and white. Lots of people just see OLD as yet one more avenue to meet someone, not as an either or, but in addition to.

[bluenightowl]

Of course dating in the real world is more fun, but not everybody meets lots of eligible partners on a regular basis. In which case OLD has it's place.

 

I agree. I think it has its place and it could improve.

[carhill]

In my locale, even with volunteering and community service and public speaking, I rarely met anyone in my age group who was truly single, which I define as not married, not in a LTR and not having sex with the same person on a regular basis. That period occurred from the late 80's until 1995 when I first began dabbling with dial up modems and the internet and discovered what later would become OLD. The internet expanded potentials to include people who were proactively putting themselves 'out there' as single and real world interactions could confirm that. It became a tool to meet people. This coincided with the loss of my virginity and increased interest in having a family so, at the time, it garnered more of my attention because it 'worked' and because, generally, women who had the tools to be online at that time were educated, well-employed and sincere about their intentions; in other words, compatible in those areas. Back then, four dates was definitely not too late, either for myself, or for the ladies. Back then we talked about HIV status and tests before having any sexual activity. Times have changed perhaps.

[bluenightowl]

It goes like this:

 

There is a co-worker that is new. Since her arrival I have been flirting with her and she is receptive.

 

So I say to her:

 

"Are you dating or seeing anyone? I would love to go out with you this weekend."

 

She says:

 

"No, I am not seeing anyone".

 

I assume that she is truly receptive and we set up the date.

 

Lets assume she says:

 

"I am dating someone."

 

I reply:

 

"Oh no, That is awful. There is a lucky man out there somewhere." and walk away.

 

I will not ask a woman out on a date if she is actively dating someone else. This is my preference.

 

Lets assume she says:

 

"I am not seeing anyone."

 

What if she is lying?

 

What to do?

 

I was thinking about this one a bit more. In this situation, asking if you are seeing anyone isn't really about, are you multi dating. It means have you been on several dates with, and perhaps might be getting serious about, or even have a BF/GF.

 

That's very different from asking if they are casually just going on a few intro dates that is very common in OLD.

 

Its a small but very important distinction.

[Mme. Chaucer]

After a few dates, learning whether your date is having sexual relationships with other people should come as naturally during your dating process as learning whether they have children, a job, what kind of job, hobbies, if they are a vegetarian or a church goer.

 

It's not a big deal to anyone I've ever spoken to. It comes out naturally when you're getting to know one another - which is what you're doing while going on repeat dates with the same person, isn't it? That's always been the case in my experience..

 

UNLESS the person is trying to fool you.

 

Are you dating a woman whom you suspect has multiple sex partners but might be trying to mislead you about it?