Author bluenightowl Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 After a few dates, learning whether your date is having sexual relationships with other people should come as naturally during your dating process as learning whether they have children, a job, what kind of job, hobbies, if they are a vegetarian or a church goer. It's not a big deal to anyone I've ever spoken to. It comes out naturally when you're getting to know one another - which is what you're doing while going on repeat dates with the same person, isn't it? That's always been the case in my experience.. UNLESS the person is trying to fool you. Are you dating a woman whom you suspect has multiple sex partners but might be trying to mislead you about it? I think timing is important. There are whole threads about when to bring up such questions about 'are you seeing anyone else' and 'are we exclusive' You clearly like to be up front about such things. Other people don't like having to be put on the spot about it and almost expect a 'getting to know you' period where you are free to date other people. Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 I know it's only your opinion, so you're entitled to it, but do you have anything other than a hunch or perhaps an anecdote to suggest that multidaters are more likely to go on to cheat on their eventual partners any more than anyone else? IMO your opinion is hogwash, but that's just my opinion. I agree. hogwash. I multi dated and wasn't sleeping with anyone. I waited to narrow it down to one when the guy showed me with actions and words that he wanted to date only me. I turned off my profile and focused on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I think timing is important. There are whole threads about when to bring up such questions about 'are you seeing anyone else' and 'are we exclusive' You clearly like to be up front about such things. Other people don't like having to be put on the spot about it and almost expect a 'getting to know you' period where you are free to date other people. Um … I'll repeat this again: I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ASKING DIRECT QUESTIONS OR PUTTING SOMEONE ON THE SPOT. Though I will say that if it's an important issue to you (as it must be, since you seem obsessed with it) you are really doing yourself a disservice if you refuse to be direct about it. And, if you are actually interested in an individual (and not just hypothetical women in general), you won't get very far with her if you don't show enough interest to bother getting to know her. If YOU have gone on 4 or more dates with a woman, and you still don't know whether she is dating other people, then either YOU are really challenged at getting to know another human being, or you are dating someone who is purposefully hiding who she is. It's a natural type of thing that DOES and WILL come out between ANY two people who are actually DATING (not just very casual acquaintances) and who have a real interest in getting to know one another. Argue, start 17 more threads about it, whatever you wish - it doesn't change the reality that someone who has (repeatedly, I am thinking) goes on several dates with the same person without being able (through a simple inquiry, or through just "getting to know" them in general) to discern whether they are dating others is in a very, very unique situation. Such a person might want to question themselves about the reason that they (continuously?) find themselves in this very unusual position. I'm getting the feeling that this person does not even consider the contact you are having with her "dating." Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I agree. hogwash. I multi dated and wasn't sleeping with anyone. I waited to narrow it down to one when the guy showed me with actions and words that he wanted to date only me. I turned off my profile and focused on him. Probably they were just ambivalent and weren't sure they were into you - and were waiting to see what, if anything, developed. and both of the above are why i agree with pierre. here's my general rule of thumb...can you tell the person you're dating what you're doing? if not, it's a bad idea. and if you two told all the men you were dating that you were dating other men at the same time, they would all disapprove, and any one worth keeping would say no and walk away from you, nevermind waiting for you to approve of him. I'd like to say that I'm very glad there are people who refuse to do OLD... maybe, just maybe... one of them will ask me out in RL instead of running home to check if I have a profile online... or defaulting to the OLD churn because they are too afraid of asking someone out in real life. I'm not even old fashioned... just seem to be observing that the best relationships don't appear to be the ones that started online. Since I'm a scientist, and trained to look for patterns and things that 'work'... I can't really ignore that. Given my disgust with the flakiness and bad manners of alot of the men I met online... I just don't want them ruining my experience of dating or my usually very positive feelings about men. but the positive aspect is being able to filter out common deal breakers. that's hard to deny. it's pretty damn frustrating to go to the trouble of approaching someone, asking them out, and then having her point out that i'm competing with jesus about 5 minutes into the first date, for instance. Link to post Share on other sites
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I don't agree with this. The world is changing and there is a whole new generation that is more comfortable with technology. OLD is becoming embedded into how the world works like anything else and it will evolve and get more mainstream (if it isn't already) and improve in its quality of experience. As you know I'm critical of it in many ways but haven't given up on it completely. The people who use it in the future will be everyone. Often when there is something new, there is that tendency to be critical of what is new, that somehow dating or whatever before it was so much better. Its never so black and white. Lots of people just see OLD as yet one more avenue to meet someone, not as an either or, but in addition to. with every new system, there must be a transitional phase where the positive aspects of the prior system are retained. What is completely lost in OLD is a frame of reference. There is no way, short of a private investigator, to prove that anything anyone says is true. Add to that the rather petty drama introduced by multi-dating, and to me... seems like way too much BS to bother with. What I'm also pretty sure of... is that there will be more stratification. With OLD (more or less) forming the pool of people serial dating and constant churn. And those who don't fit that style continuing to pursue ways where personal, human connection along with the means to fully vet someone are emphasized. Link to post Share on other sites
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I agree. hogwash. I multi dated and wasn't sleeping with anyone. I waited to narrow it down to one when the guy showed me with actions and words that he wanted to date only me. I turned off my profile and focused on him. ok... in the meantime... what did you tell your prospective dates about your whereabouts or what reasons did you give when they suggested a date and you couldn't make it? Also... regarding this other men...You weren't sleeping with them? So, no physical interaction with them? Or, it only 'counts' when intercourse occurs? You waited until the guy showed you with actions and words that he wanted to date you only? How did he do that exactly? At which point do you believe what he is saying NOW, and ignore the lies he told to hide his multi-dating and what he was doing with them? This is my observation of most people who multi-date. They don't say "Sorry, I have plans with someone I MIGHT f*ck tonight if she makes me feel like she wants to date me only" Or "Sorry, I need to keep that day as tentative. I really like this other person and you are choice #2. If this person doesn't want to f*ck me, I'll get back to you". Yes, I'm being a little dramatic here... but that is the point. I've never attempted anything with a multidater that didn't involve lots of fibs and lying on their part. That is part of the game, in fact. Leaving the impression they are in demand and oh-so-sought after. I've played that game of suspending judgement and 'going with the flow'. Even if they did ultimately 'pick me' (and they almost always did)... by that time I'd already shut off most of my romantic feelings for them because of their need for subterfuge. I just couldn't trust them. By that time, there was nothing they could say or do to convince me they were sincere. Perhaps, I couldn't get out of my head the BS stories they had to tell other women about what they were doing with ME. Kind of like being the 'OW'. I would never want a man who would ask me to be the OW. Don't give a damn how hot he is, how much money he has, or even how I feel about him. Ain't happening. I don't want a man who multi-dates either. He may not be a cheater. But he certainly has all the ingredients to become one. Long story short... I've yet to see a good argument FOR multidating... except selfishness. Link to post Share on other sites
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I'm getting the feeling that this person does not even consider the contact you are having with her "dating." I believe you hit the nail on the head, as usual People have different concepts of what 'dating' is. One poster said recently that a 'date is just a date' and is not the beginning of a relationship. (GASP!) Some date for 'fun'. Some have more serious intentions in mind. It is where these people inadvertently mix that causes issues... I also think some people are too timid to just say up front what they really want.. whether it is just fun/casual sex or a committed relationship leading to marriage. I suspect most are in-between those two... hence the confusion Link to post Share on other sites
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 but the positive aspect is being able to filter out common deal breakers. that's hard to deny. it's pretty damn frustrating to go to the trouble of approaching someone, asking them out, and then having her point out that i'm competing with jesus about 5 minutes into the first date, for instance. Yes, I do miss that part about OLD... And about the competing with Jesus part... That's too funny! This is one of the things I don't miss about living in the Deep South ;p Last time I was in NOLA, I picked up some stuff called 'Wash Away Your Sins' hand cleanser. They swear it is Tested and approved for ALL 7 deadly sins Tempting 'do-it-again' Easter Lily scent For liars, cheaters & wrong doers Best ever... 'reduces guilt by 98.9% or more' gotta love it! I keep a bottle of it in my bathroom. Just in case I 'slip'. One never can be too sure! Link to post Share on other sites
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 what the heck? How did I get four posts here in a row?? Slow day I guess. Better get back to work! Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I believe you hit the nail on the head, as usual People have different concepts of what 'dating' is. One poster said recently that a 'date is just a date' and is not the beginning of a relationship. (GASP!) Some date for 'fun'. Some have more serious intentions in mind. It is where these people inadvertently mix that causes issues... I also think some people are too timid to just say up front what they really want.. whether it is just fun/casual sex or a committed relationship leading to marriage. I suspect most are in-between those two... hence the confusion As the poster who said recently 'a date is just a date', I would like to clarify something. I never said that dating was just for 'fun' although hopefully it is a fun process. Yet again, you have misunderstood me. What I was implying was that people have a tendency to put too much pressure on themselves and their 'date' with a hope that this first meeting will lead to love and 'marriage'. When I was dating I was hoping to find 'Mr Right' but I still believe 'a date IS just a date'. It's either a date with someone you like but aren't sure you're attracted to, or a date with someone you're attracted to but aren't sure you like. By the end of the date you may have made a decision on either of these things but that's probably it - at that point in time. I like to live in the present and I'm a realist. I certainly don't spend a first, second or even third or fourth date, or the time in between, dreaming about what my 'date' and I are going to call our first child! Sure, maybe a few months down the line two people will decide they want to be together 'forever' but on the first few dates??????? Please - get real!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) People have different concepts of what 'dating' is. One poster said recently that a 'date is just a date' and is not the beginning of a relationship. (GASP!) Some date for 'fun'. Some have more serious intentions in mind. It is where these people inadvertently mix that causes issues... I also think some people are too timid to just say up front what they really want.. whether it is just fun/casual sex or a committed relationship leading to marriage. I suspect most are in-between those two... hence the confusion I think you are right here. I would add that dating is a bit of a dance, and as much as one person wants things very clear and spelled out from day one, another might enjoy that mystery of not knowing (at the beginning) and let clarity come naturally and at a pace that is right for them. This is also where confusion can enter the picture as our styles of getting to know one another are very different and based on our own experiences (both good and bad). At the end of the day, I do think there are some good lessons for daters, but more important, I think you just have to get to know yourself, your own boundaries and stay true to that. Edited October 13, 2011 by bluenightowl Link to post Share on other sites
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 As the poster who said recently 'a date is just a date', I would like to clarify something. I never said that dating was just for 'fun' although hopefully it is a fun process. Yet again, you have misunderstood me. What I was implying was that people have a tendency to put too much pressure on themselves and their 'date' with a hope that this first meeting will lead to love and 'marriage'. When I was dating I was hoping to find 'Mr Right' but I still believe 'a date IS just a date'. It's either a date with someone you like but aren't sure you're attracted to, or a date with someone you're attracted to but aren't sure you like. By the end of the date you may have made a decision on either of these things but that's probably it - at that point in time. I like to live in the present and I'm a realist. I certainly don't spend a first, second or even third or fourth date, or the time in between, dreaming about what my 'date' and I are going to call our first child! Sure, maybe a few months down the line two people will decide they want to be together 'forever' but on the first few dates??????? Please - get real!!!!!! I wasn't trying to single you out... Which is why I didn't name names... Of course... meeting people needs to be fun!! I'm certainly not bringing my Tiffany's catalog on my dates. Just the opposite, actually. I'm quite happy being single until the right person comes along. (well, except for the lack of sex... Grrrr!) What I was getting to was treating your early dates AS IF they could be the beginning of a relationship. Treating them with respect and not disposable. Treating oneself with respect and not disposable either I think in our loneliness we make that mistake too. In our loneliness, we sometimes compromise our values and don't answer to our 'higher selves'. I can't control what others do... but I can control being around those who have dating habits I feel don't mesh with mine or are destructive. Treating dating as fun/playtime without serious intentions is not my style and I'm not for using my spare time to stroke someones ego. I have friends/family for that If your style is less serious, and it works for you, then no problemo... Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 What I was getting to was treating your early dates AS IF they could be the beginning of a relationship. Treating them with respect and not disposable. Treating oneself with respect and not disposable either I think in our loneliness we make that mistake too. In our loneliness, we sometimes compromise our values and don't answer to our 'higher selves'. I believe we should treat ALL people, including ourselves, with respect at all times. Nobody should ever feel they are disposable and if a date makes you feel that way then, I agree, 'next'! I also agree that there are some people who date 'casually' with no intention of forming long lasting relationships. However, dating 'casually' is not the same as taking dating less seriously. I see nothing wrong with dating with intent, and dating only those who are also dating with intent, I just think it's wisest not to place too many expectations on your 'date'. Link to post Share on other sites
Floridaman Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 it's pretty damn frustrating to go to the trouble of approaching someone, asking them out, and then having her point out that i'm competing with jesus about 5 minutes into the first date, for instance. Surely you gest... Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Yes, I'm being a little dramatic here... but that is the point. I've never attempted anything with a multidater that didn't involve lots of fibs and lying on their part. And here was me thinking (from reading this and other threads) that it was multi-dating that brought drama. (no, this post of mine doesn't warrant a serious reply.) Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Long story short... I've yet to see a good argument FOR multidating... except selfishness. That's okay. I don't think anyone is trying to convert you. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 it's pretty damn frustrating to go to the trouble of approaching someone, asking them out, and then having her point out that i'm competing with jesus about 5 minutes into the first date, for instance. If you're unable to out-date someone who has been dead for about 2000 years then I think you've got bigger problems than multi-dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluenightowl Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) Treating them with respect and not disposable. Treating oneself with respect and not disposable either I think in our loneliness we make that mistake too. In our loneliness, we sometimes compromise our values and don't answer to our 'higher selves'. I think you hit the nail on it well. This is what I want as well, treating people with respect. I don't know how many dating articles I've read that seems to treat people like they are nothing, just disposable, that you must just focus on you and you only. Who cares how you treat them, such is the dating life. I really do think the current state of online dating accelerates that, but its not the cause. Where we differ is in our beliefs is that going on a few first/second coffee dates necessarily means they are disposable and are treated without respect. It might and it might not. I see you rational for avoiding it altogether, but I think someone like you would treat such people with utter respect and I really doubt an honest person who was upfront that they want to meet a few people before committing is necessarily a disrespectful person. Can most of the population behave this way? Doubtful. Could you? I think yes. Thus multi-dating isn't in itself disrespectful. Edited October 13, 2011 by bluenightowl Link to post Share on other sites
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