After 65 days, I broke NC...date declined...but...

[jordjones]

Background

 

My detailed story is in other threads. In short, my ex dumped me 2 months ago after being in an LDR for 6-7 months (this after having dated in the same area for 4 months). I chased for about 10 days, unsuccessfully. Since, I moved back in the area, begun to work out, and have been applying to law/business school.

 

The Call

 

I called at about 8:00 pm on Wednesday night (good neutral time). She didn't pick up, but called me back 10 minutes later. The conversation was lighthearted and we mostly caught up - she got a new job and my new career trek. She sounded very good, and I expressed that I was happy for her.

 

Then Things Get Interesting...

 

I told her that I had an interview near her work next Tuesday afternoon, and asked to meet up for a drink. She said, "I don't know about that..." To which I replied, "It's only a drink..." She the said, "I'm just so busy..." I replied, "That's cool...some other time." She then said, "It's not you...I'm just super busy, maybe over a weekend sometime..."

 

So, she opened up the weekend for me, which I should take as a positive?

 

The Past Brought Up Briefly

 

The Summer was tumultuous for the both of us. I was living 1500 miles away, but contemplating coming back - I didn't even tell her this, because our relationship seemed to be on ice. I told her that my behavior over the summer was largely due to the stress of potentially moving, and I admitted to putting undue pressure on her over the summer. She admitted to feeling pressured, but said, "It really wasn't that bad...you were stressed, I was stressed, things will be better now..."

 

Conclusion and Grade

 

Positives

I didn't get the date, but it seems that I will be able to get her to go out with me whenever. While the past was brought up briefly, it didn't dominate the conversation, and seemed to only bolster my stance. I was the one to cut off the conversation off. The whole conversation was only 11 minutes long, but rather pleasant.

 

Negatives

I could sense that she still feels in control, which may be natural, since I called her. I didn't get the date, which means, I'll have to go through this phone call crap again. A few awkward pauses...but I guess that could be expected.

 

B- Thoughts?

Edited September 29, 2011 by jordjones

[Art_Critic]

My thoughts...it's nice to catch up.. and that is what that call was.. nothing more..

She was just being nice..

 

Don't call her again and if there is to be a weekend "It's only a drink..." as you called it then let her contact you.

 

If she knew you were still pinning after her and wanted a "REAL DATE" instead of "It's only a drink..." she would have not offered the weekend.

 

You asked....

[Cowboy1015]

When you ask her to meet for a drink and she's not sure she wants to... don't press her. Don't say "It's just a drink". Just agree and say ok. Be calm. Be happy. And DO NOT bring up the past. It tells her that you haven't moved on... which is true. You need to get over it! You're not gonna get her back by reminding her why she broke up with you! Just be cool and show her you are a different person.

 

Do not have any expectations. Don't focus on what you're not getting. You need patience. Listen to her. Feel her mood. And that's how you know what to do/when to do what you want to do.... like quitting if she's not really into you anymore.

 

65 days is a lot of time for NC. She has moved on. And for her it was like... why is this guy calling me now? Her talking to you means nothing.

 

And this is what I don't like with NC being used to try to get back with an ex. It's gonna come back and bite you. You need to understand your ex. NC works with only insecure ex.

 

I give you a grade of D.

Edited September 29, 2011 by Cowboy1015

[jordjones]

Wow. You guys are harsh! I have zero expectations, but had to make the move. I honestly believe that she simply did not want to meet up during the week; she has a new job and has an hour and a half commute each way (didn't know those details beforehand). I also believe that she would go out with me for dinner or whatever - and not "just for a drink" - if I had asked.

 

The reason I say this is that she seemed like she wanted to do something more than "just a drink." Almost as if the "Happy Hour" afternoon vibe wasn't what she had in mind. That's how I sensed it. I'm not saying that she hasn't move on - I believe that her emotions for me dwindled steadily after I moved - I'm just saying that she would probably expect/enjoy more than 30 minutes to an hour of time.

 

Anyways, I'll ask her out over a weekend in a couple of weeks. Should I just go for dinner this time around or keep it as "just a drink..."?

[Cowboy1015]

Wow. You guys are harsh! I have zero expectations, but had to make the move. I honestly believe that she simply did not want to meet up during the week; she has a new job and has an hour and a half commute each way (didn't know those details beforehand). I also believe that she would go out with me for dinner or whatever - and not "just for a drink" - if I had asked.

 

The reason I say this is that she seemed like she wanted to do something more than "just a drink." Almost as if the "Happy Hour" afternoon vibe wasn't what she had in mind. That's how I sensed it. I'm not saying that she hasn't move on - I believe that her emotions for me dwindled steadily after I moved - I'm just saying that she would probably expect/enjoy more than 30 minutes to an hour of time.

 

Anyways, I'll ask her out over a weekend in a couple of weeks. Should I just go for dinner this time around or keep it as "just a drink..."?

 

I'm not being harsh, I'm just offering you my honest point of view. Be honest, do you really have "zero expectations"? Your post tells me you do... you are expecting to get a date from her.

 

Read back my reply and I think I have given you some advice there on how you should interact with her. Like I said... the first thing is, get over the the break up first. Renew yourself.

[flitzanu]

Background

 

Then Things Get Interesting...

 

I told her that I had an interview near her work next Tuesday afternoon, and asked to meet up for a drink. She said, "I don't know about that..." To which I replied, "It's only a drink..." She the said, "I'm just so busy..." I replied, "That's cool...some other time." She then said, "It's not you...I'm just super busy, maybe over a weekend sometime..."

 

So, she opened up the weekend for me, which I should take as a positive?

 

Conclusion and Grade

 

B- Thoughts?

 

"The reason I say this is that she seemed like she wanted to do something more than "just a drink." Almost as if the "Happy Hour" afternoon vibe wasn't what she had in mind. That's how I sensed it. "

 

where are you seeing that she was into this?

 

her first answer: "i don't know about that"

second: "im just so busy"

third: "i'm just super busy"

 

so you were denied three times for a drink, but you somehow believe she wants you to take her to dinner or a real date?

[jordjones]

Yes, I expected to be able to meet up with her; but that was a realistic expectation - I knew she would be down, unless she was already in another relationship, which I sensed she wasn't.

 

I get what you're saying and appreciate the honesty. I'm in a position where I realized over the past couple of months that I drove her away - I didn't understand this at the time of the break.

 

My goal is to be able to get to a point, eventually, where she realizes that I have recognized my mistakes and have changed - I'm not going to rush anything. If this results in only friendship, then whatever - I had my chance, blew it, and have come to terms with that.

 

I also thought that this and future interactions will provide the forum with an interesting case study lol. We shall see!

[jordjones]

where are you seeing that she was into this?

 

her first answer: "i don't know about that"

second: "im just so busy"

third: "i'm just super busy"

 

so you were denied three times for a drink, but you somehow believe she wants you to take her to dinner or a real date?

 

For a second, I too thought I was getting denied. However, my request was for drinks on a specific day, next Tuesday. She couldn't do it. Then she essentially tells me that we should get together on a weekend. Is a weekend not > a Tuesday afternoon?

 

She is fine with meeting up. She emphasized that later on in the conversation. During the week is just bad for her.

[Cowboy1015]

My goal is to be able to get to a point, eventually, where she realizes that I have recognized my mistakes and have changed - I'm not going to rush anything. If this results in only friendship, then whatever - I had my chance, blew it, and have come to terms with that.

 

You are not going to rush... but as we speek you are already rushing... =D. You should have not said "It's just a drink" when she declined your drink offer. And now you're thinking of a real date after going NC for 65 days. I think you're getting ahead of yourself. You need patience. Just talk her first over the phone. From you should feel if she really wants to meet you. Because from your post... I can tell she doesn't want to. She declined you.

[jordjones]

Cowboy, I was denied for a specific day when she simply couldn't do it. She then opened the door for the weekends. I didn't ask for anything on the weekends during the convo, because I think that would have come across as needy, and I already have plans, anyways. Her schedule really is brutal during the week.

[jordjones]

Is her opening the doors for the weekend not a good sign at all? I mean, I was just trying to set up a casual "coffee date" on a specific day. It didn't work out. Whatever. Her opening the door for the weekend has a lot of positive undertones, IMHO.

[Art_Critic]

Is her opening the doors for the weekend not a good sign at all? I mean, I was just trying to set up a casual "coffee date" on a specific day. It didn't work out. Whatever. Her opening the door for the weekend has a lot of positive undertones, IMHO.

 

Of course it is a good sign but just remember that you may have set yourself up for a pity "drink" with a friend rather than an evening with someone she wants to have sex with

[Cowboy1015]

Cowboy, I was denied for a specific day when she simply couldn't do it. She then opened the door for the weekends. I didn't ask for anything on the weekends during the convo, because I think that would have come across as needy, and I already have plans, anyways. Her schedule really is brutal during the week.

It can be that she's just being nice. I guess I would just say don't expect too much. Do what your gut is telling you. But if you really want her back... you need to plan your actions carefully.

[Chi townD]

Is her opening the doors for the weekend not a good sign at all? QUOTE]

 

Nah, it's a great sign! For the "Friend Zone!" Dude, I think you're setting yourself up. I think you're reading too much into it. But......I could be wrong. Let us know how your progress goes.

[jordjones]

We'll see. Regardless, I have to get some face time.

[Circular]

I think you're reading into this a lot further then you should and you are also setting yourself to have expectations that most likely will fall short. Here's why, you said quite clearly "My ex dumped me", yet here you are doing all the work and she's being wishy-washy at best. If she dumped you, she dumped you for a reason... people don't dump people without good reason and honestly if it's in the first 6 months then it's best you heal your wounds and walk away.

 

I interpret your conversation as she's just being nice to you. Why? because she dumped you, she doesn't want to be seen as the 'bad guy' and probably has residual guilt. What you are failing to see is the scenario should have played out much differently if she was truly interested. From what I read her interest level is around 10% at best and you fulfilled whatever interest she had by calling her and 'catching up', no need to meet she knows what you're up to.

 

If she was truly interested she would have been more definitive. Actually, if she was truly interested SHE would have offered to meet for a drink when she knew you were going to be in the area. When someone says "I'm just too busy" and doesn't counter offer a more reasonable time frame, like "I'm just too busy, but in two weeks things should let up a bit, maybe then?" then you need to see it as "I'm just too busy for YOU for the rest of my life", her saying "maybe over a weekend some time" was just a way to defer the conversation.

 

Honestly I'd let it go and if she does suddenly get a rush of interest then she'll reach out to you.

[jordjones]

I guess you guys are right in that - if she were truly interested, she would have accepted my offer or made a counteroffer. I took the weekend as somewhat of a counteroffer, but I suppose it could be interpreted as halfhearted. I will say that we live about an hour and a half apart, so a definite counteroffer might have been difficult.

 

Regardless, I guess I should put off the next phone call for another month, at least. She knows I'm down to meet up. Thanks for the reality check. Doesn't feel great now, but at least I went 65 days. I wouldn't say I'm back to square 1 or anything like that, but it doesn't feel good.

[Rorschach64]

Jord,

 

NC and that's it unless she contacts you! You do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT NEED HER! I bet there is just some awesome girl out there waiting to meet you in the grand scheme of things just move on and forget her.

 

Yes, it is all about power and you just basically gave it to her once again by reaching out to her and asking for something. You made a mistake and just learn from it.

[Cowboy1015]

I feel you. What you need to do first is get over the break up. If you do NC, that is for the purpose of getting over her. It's for moving on. And when you get there, and you remember her... give her a call and just really catch up. This is when you truly not gonna have any expectations.