Boyfriend's Confession (it's really really long but please help me out!!)

[Sakura Blossom]

Hello! I don't know if anyone has ever been in a situation like this one..hope you can help me out here! But you may need some history. It's incredibly complicated and long so I hope you can bear with me here!!

 

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. Will be just about a year next week.

 

Getting together with him was not easy by any means. During our getting to know process I mistook his friendly flirting as player advances ( I know, I have been so burned by a player before I overreacted when I think back on it) and cut off contact with him numerous times. And every time he was making an effort to come visit me too to hang out or something ( we were long distance you see but met in our hometown) I'd go off on one of my angry rants and just tell him to get lost. ( I was just scared...) The majority of those times he would let me cool for awhile and then would always contact me first trying to work things out again and clear any misdunderstandings. I said alright and tried again with him.

 

Break came along, we saw one another at home, and the topic of going steady was brought up, he asked what I thought about him, his brother even talked to me separately about how I felt about his younger brother... but I admit I was not clear on my thoughts because again, I was scared to just let him know I wanted to be with him. So I told him I just didn't know. ( in fact I just wanted to say I wanted to be with him, but I was scared to how he would react) He then told me stuff that sounded like a bunch of lame excuses about how he wasn't sure either but he knew one day we might be together if I could trust him and wait. I don't know for some reason, everything that break was "off" and when he'd ask me out to do something I either had plans and when I wanted to do something he was busy...and he started to cancel some of our dates and apologize later for them profusely...I don't know..I totally felt he WAS playing me and before I went back to school at the end of break, I told him I was interested in him and that I did want to be with him, but with how he acted that break I didn't want anything to do with him anymore, let alone be friends. Just go away, poof, bye, basically. ( I know, I still liked him but I was acting stupid)

 

I guess around this time he was also dating another girl while seeing me...(will go into this later).

Well I go back to school in dim spirits, and he proceeds to contact me again...this time I just said, fine, but please let's just keep it as friends. Nothing more. He said alright...but I just couldn't let go of the fact that he could be hurting me big time, so for about the millionth time I told him this wasn't working, this friends stuff is bull****, go away, please please go away and live your life and be happy. Of course AGAIN it was when he was planning to give me a visit, it was Valentine's Weekend. ( I honestly did not plan my goodbyes to be every time he tried to come see me, it just happened like that, argh...) He did not contact me again this time.

 

Fast forward a month. I had time to rethink my situation..and for some reason I felt I did him a lot of wrong without giving him a fair chance, so I got up all my nerve and contacted him again, writing him a long email saying I was sorry and things were really whacky so can we start over with a clean slate as friends, no pressure, just start over fresh. He called me immediately ( and called me about 10 times too before he reached me...I was in classes) and said he was more than happy to start over and said something like "and you never know where our feelings might take us right?" and laughed kinda weird. I was like huh huh?? but anyway, so from then on, our relationship progressed. He kept in touch and called me long distance during spring break when I went home, he stayed at school, later on in the semester came and visited me at school, we spent the whole day together, and he was kinda physical in the non-friend sort of way ( no kissing hugging or anything like that, but little gestures that were more than friendship) even bringing along his friends and introducing them to me. They told me they had heard a lot about me and were delighted to finally meet me. And no more hasty get lost from me, you get the idea. Yes, there were some weird moments while were in touch long distance when I thought he was acting kinda funny ( will go into this too) and avoiding me at times when I wanted to talk serious stuff, but instead of flying off the deep end again, I tried to talk things out with him before concluding anything. I also asked him if he was seeing anyone, but he said no not at all ( which turned out to be a lie)

 

Well, about 2 and half months later after recontacting him, the talk about where we were headed was brought up AGAIN, but this time I just told him ( I was so so scared but I didn't want to hide my emotions this time) that if he were interested in being with me, I would say yes, but if circumstances were still too difficult for him, fine, but then I was going to go home for the summer and date others. I told him I cared for him but couldn't take the chance of waiting around either, sorry. He at this time told me he wanted to see me face to face when we got home that summer and talk to me, really talk to me about all this, but he just couldn't just give me an answer right now just like this. I said, fine, I respect that, thanks for your honesty, we'll leave it at that then, have a nice day see you over the summer break then, cool take care.

 

He was quiet for a few days, then started talking to me again, and then BOOM not more than a week after we had that talk, he took a 7 hour drive to where I was at school ( and I felt bad cuz he was in the middle of finals for god's sake, I was done and just chilling) to see me face to face...and he said he wanted to go steady with me and felt if he didn't do this now he'd lose me for good if he let me get on that plane and go home for the summer. He had to come see me before I went home no matter what. So yes spontaneous trip to my school. He was to be home a few months later than me into the break you see. And I got my first kiss, that was May of last year.

 

Not over yet. yikes.Well, about 3 weeks after we started going steady, my bf, very serious and solemn, asked me if I could invest a long evening on the phone with him, I might want to sit down and be comfortable.( I was home first, he still had school to finish). Worried about his solemness I said of course what's wrong? And what an evening that was. He proceeded to fill me in in detail ( answering all my questions along the way) that he had been dating another girl while seeing me that past winter break, and while I was carrying on being distant and just telling him I wanted only to be friends now and then finally saying get lost that upcoming Valentine's Day Weekend, he decided to become exclusive with that other girl. ( who was also from where we lived, but long distance as well when in school. Same as me basically). And not knowing any of this of course, I had recontacted him a month into his relationship with New Lady. ( had I known he had a gf I would NEVER ever have recontacted him, nor seen him the few times after getting back in touch, and meeting his friends etc etc...)

 

Their relationship did not last long, for whatever reason ( I didn't want to ask him EVERYTHING) the girl decided to call it quits with him about three months later ( during all this time he was seeing me and contacting me ) and not long after that ( not even a month after that) he was driving 7 hours to come see me.

 

Hearing this hurt me big time. It really did. And it made me question my trust for him and what kind of character he was and if he could do this to her ( I mean why couldn't he have just called if off with her once I recontacted him...it felt horrible knowing he was hanging with me and all that and he had a gf at that time!) he could do this to me...and I asked him "why did you LIE about not having someone when I asked that time if you were seeing anyone." He told me because he was so happy things were finally going so smoothly between us and the great relationship that was progressing and that if he told me he knew that would be the end of that right then and there. I told him how could he be thinking these things if he had a gf he should have been focusing on. And he said "because it really did matter to me. I know I sound like a jerk, but I was so happy you contacted me again...I really wanted to contact you as soon as you got all mad at me again that one time...but I felt it was gonna be another one of those cycles again if I did and you wouldn't have time to think about what you wanted, and i wanted you to just have some time to think to yourself this time and not just give in again when I contacted you...but she was there..and I'd be lying if I didn't think she was alright. But then you contacted me again, and I wanted to see how things went..." He said he didn't feel much when she dumped him and when she said bye he said ok. He told me he didn't want to keep this from me, and before our exclusive relationship went any further, he wanted to get this out in the open and give me the chance to think about it and accept him, even this episode, accept everything because he loved me and trusted me and did not ever want to keep anything from me.

 

It took me some time to think things over, but in the end I accepted and we have been together since then. He has been nothing but good to me. We are still long distance, this time on opposite sides of the world, but he calls me at least twice a day morning and night to say hello, sometimes just randomly cuz he just wanted to hear my voice before going to class, etc, we talk to each other online using webcam, he calls to tell me what he's doing or where he's going on a weekend, or how his tests and day went etc.. he writes me all the time, he came home on breaks and we saw each other, he introduced me to his other good friends, male and female, he encourages me to become good friends with all of his, his female friends treat me wonderfully too, I have met his family, (his brother whom I have already met before) I have eaten lunch with members of his family. His sister keeps in touch with me..And this summer when he comes home he wants me to attend his brother's wedding. ( is that good? or am I reading too much into this?)

 

But well, why am I posting this? Because I guess I am still sort of wary...and maybe my 100% trust is just not there..

I know I did decide to be with him through all that, but I would be lying if I didn't say those things from the past come back to haunt me sometimes when I am lying alone at bed at night, and sometimes I still wonder what if he does this to me? Or does he really mean it when he realizes he really loves me and I am the one he wants and nothing like that could happen because I am the love of his life? Sometimes when we are talking he would say "Hannah I'm sorry. I'm sorry for those **** times. I really am. I want to make up for that by treating you the best I possibly can. I love you and I hope you can trust me as much as I trust you. I am sorry I was so stupid to not realize you were there all along...I love you. I really really do. I am sorry you had to see such a side of me...but please believe me when I tell you I am not a horrible person, I just didn't know what to do. I was confused and I felt bad hurting you. Hurting her.."

 

It will be a year of us being together the end of this month.

Should I just let all that stuff GO for good? Should I just give my heart to him now?

I do NOT want to bring up this subject with him again, i don't think that is a good idea in the least.

Thank you for reading this crazy long post. But I could just use some advice...thank you!!

[gobain]

I can understand you're hurt and anger at his not being honest with you about this other girl, but I can't really blame him for keeping it on the down-low. You were sort of jerking him around. Why should he wait around for you decide - yet again - whether or not you wanted to continue seeing him? What else could he do but try to get on with his life? Plus, boys can be idiots - especially with something they think is going to rock the boat and ruin something he has pursued for awhile.

 

I know alot of guys that would have just walked away instead of coming back - again and again.

 

He obviously wanted to be with you or he would not have kept coming back. Just my opinion. That said, I also understand why you would be wary still. Would you have found out about this girl if he hadn't told you?

[clia]

Your boyfriend is a saint. If you cannot see how much he must care about you after everything you have put him through, then I don't know what to tell you.

 

About the girl he was seeing when you recontacted him...you very clearly said in your post that during that time you and he were just friends. You spent one day together when he came to visit you, where nothing beyond friendship went on. So you met his friends? So what? So you you talked to him on the phone during that time? So what? IMO, he didn't cheat on her. You still couldn't even decide then what you wanted out of the relationship. It's not like the two of you were having a torrid affair.

 

Should I just let all that stuff GO for good?

 

Yes, yes, yes!

 

Should I just give my heart to him now?

 

It's about time you did--I can't believe his patience.

[FolderWife]

I agree with the aforementioned posts.

 

This guy tried with you time and time and time again! You kept dumping him. Finally, he let you go, and you decided that you wanted him. He'd moved on already, but he was eager to be with you. So rather than dump his girlfriend to go with you, and have you dump him yet again, he just kept her, and was your friend. She eventually dumped him, and he didn't care, because he wanted you and only you any way.

 

Now, he's come clean. He didn't really do anything wrong, you were just friends, and because he ommitted the fact he had a girlfriend, so you might just give him a chance is not a big deal. He wanted you, and he didn't want to push you away, if you were FINALLY coming around.

 

He risked LOSING you, because he loves you so much that he wants you to know the whole truth, so you don't find out later, and ditch him.

 

Honey, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. If you blow up about this, and push him away, you may lose the best thing that will ever happen to you.

 

Look on the bright side...he was honest about it (he didn't have to be but he was) so you can probably fully trust that he'll always be honest with you about everything!

[Sakura Blossom]

And to Clia's message here:

"About the girl he was seeing when you recontacted him...you very clearly said in your post that during that time you and he were just friends. You spent one day together when he came to visit you, where nothing beyond friendship went on. So you met his friends? So what? So you you talked to him on the phone during that time? So what? IMO, he didn't cheat on her. You still couldn't even decide then what you wanted out of the relationship. It's not like the two of you were having a torrid affair. "

 

--yes in the "technical" sense we were friends, but that one day he came to visit (while he had the gf) he was physical enough to the point where I knew he thought of me more than a friend...like when we were resting on a bench he lay down and put his head in my lap, and at one point he sorta joked and said "wanna kiss? hehe" but when I looked at him, startled, he just laughed and said never mind he was joking. That was that though, it wasn't like we walked around holding hands or he was majorly smooching me or whatever. There were no kisses of any kind, he suggested it jokingly though. Yes, we always said we were just friends, but during this whole time we were in "recontact," he made comments about how he wanted to kiss me when we met up that day etc etc but he ended up not doing it... that really showed me liked me. But anyway I am mentioning this *just in case* this changes the light on things, also in case Clia may have misunderstood...but if still leads to the same outcome you guys have been telling me, ok then.

 

- I guess those little things bothered me...that he could do that when having a girlfriend...but in the light of what's been going on, I guess I should understand then.

 

Thanks.

[Sakura Blossom]

No I would not have found out about this girl if he hadn't told me.

I know I had moments when I felt the guy was acting really sketchy (both over the winter break when he was home...breaking plans..being all apologetic..not answering phone) and even a bit during our "recontact" period, and I am sure it was cuz of that other girl, now that I know about it of course..but no, I would never have found out if he hadn't just told me like that.( people can act sketchy for other reasons..so that would have been too weak to go by to assume he had another woman, and even if he did, not every little weird action equals other woman so I am not gonna go into all THAT yada yada blah blah)

 

Hope that helps Thank you for answering my post too!

[Sakura Blossom]

I just sometimes keep thinking back on all that stuff about how he said he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and the breaking off of dates and how he wouldn't answer his cell during that winter break before I cut him off and then he got together with the girl. And then later on after our "recontact" when I was straightforward about wanting to be with him, he still said he needed time, he didn't know, he wanted to see me face to face at home to talk more about this...( though he DID end up eventually coming to see me to ask me out.) And yes there were times I felt like he avoided me.

 

I guess a part of me felt he kept putting me on hold, and when things didn't work out between him and that girl, I was there all ready to go. I know I know, you guys are telling me he's a great guy and all, but that was one of the main things that still get to me a little.

People I have talked to about this mentioned that I may be the back up girl.

 

I just feel...yes..when I recontacted him I told him I wanted to start off again as friends, though I damn well knew I wanted more and perhaps I should have been honest about that. And during that recontact, we talked nearly every single day, and he definitely made comments and remarks that went beyond friendship. I know we acted more physical than the just buddy to buddy touches when he came to visit me...

 

I know if this bothers me so much I just have to drop the whole thing...

But does this extra info change anything? Or do you guys still stick to your opinions?

I am trying to be as careful as I can about what I need to do, and in order to do that I felt I needed to give you all the most accurate details as possible. Thank you yet again.

 

oops I guess I already wrote something similar to gobain up there. Sorry for the redundancy. Oops.