He's been looking up chicks on the net

[pixiechick]

I have been with my boyfriend for six months. We met online and our relationship has been moving very quickly. In the beginning, I foolishly trusted him 100%. This is my only relationship that developed online. As soon as we became serious, I cut off all my intenet dating stuff. He told me that he had also, I didn't ask.

 

About a month into the relationship I was using his computer at his house. I opened up the histrory folder and saw pages of online profiles that he had been viewing. This shocked me, because I didn't suspect that he had any interest in other women. I didn't say anthing, and just thought about it for a few days. I felt betrayed already, just knowing that he was searching for women the same way we had met. I went back onto his computer, figured out his passwords and found much more. He had cybersex chats in his archive. He had an adult profile of himself with nude pics. There were several swinger groups and message board he belonged to, and was active in. I was apalled and soo hurt.

 

I decided to confront him about the pictures in his history folder, becuase this is what I could legitimately say I had "found". He was very remorseful and said he was just in the habit, since he had been single for so long, etc. He told me he would quit all of the chatting, and deleted his IM programs voluntarily. I asked him if there was anything else I should know about, and he admitted to everything EXCEPT his naked pics. I didn't confront him on that because I figured he was just embarrassed to admit to it.

 

Since then I have felt pretty much comfortable, with only a little remaining doubt. However, we just moved in together last weekend and I found myself curious if he was still being good". Of course, I found that he has not been. He is back to all the old ways. He has learned not to archive his IM, so I don't know what if anything he's been chatting about. But the history folder is full of naked chicks again.

 

I told him that I have been feeling insecure, due to the stress of moving etc. He says I have nothing to worry about, blah blah blah. He is lying to me and I know it. I want to confront him again. I want to know WHY he can't stay away from this stuff.

 

Am I justified or am I just insecure and overreacting???

[Pyrannaste]

You might want to reconsider this relationship.

What he is doing on the internet is not like watching porn (which is not anything to really worry about), he has been contacting girls, he has put a 'single and looking 'profile on the net(no matter what you wrote in it, if there are nude pics of you, it's a 'single and looikng'profile.

This guy is looking around and 'shopping around'.

He was caught.

He lied.

He promised he'd stop that bullsh*t.

He did not stop it, he's just getting better at hiding it.

 

Do you really think he is worth your time?

Do you really want to spend time with him being anxious, not trusting him and being hurt and upset all the time?

 

He can't stay away from that stuff because he can't....or because he does not want to?

 

Confront him if you feel like it, and then please start dating someone else.

[pixiechick]

Thanks for your input - I want to believe that this does not mean the end of the relationship. I would hope that we can talk about it. He doesn't know how much I know. I wrote him a letter last night, telling all. I am afraid that if I tried to talk about it, I would freeze up. I told all about what i know and how it makes me feel. Admitted to snooping. I brought up all the related issues i could think of, and put it all out there. I tried to just tell what I know and what I think, not make accusations. I already have plans to go away for the weekend, so I have left it in a drawer. I will tell him to where to find it when he gets home. He can have the weekend to be angry, to be hurt, to feel guilty, however he reacts. And when I get back, I will expect the complete and honest truth.

[Pyrannaste]

Originally posted by pixiechick

Thanks for your input - I want to believe that this does not mean the end of the relationship.

 

It depends on him...... and on you. if he is not stopping acting that way please dump him. The end of a relationship is always a sad thing to be in, but it is better than being with someone who will abuse it.

 

I would hope that we can talk about it. He doesn't know how much I know. I wrote him a letter last night, telling all. I am afraid that if I tried to talk about it, I would freeze up.

 

Then the letter was not a bad idea. At least you did spill out everything you wanted to say, and it's there for him to read. Talking face to face he would have probably kept interrupting you, and you would have frozen before saying everything you wanted to say.

 

I really hope he is at least going to read your letter carefully.

There are guys who would not even read the whole letter. I don't want to be too pessimistic, but if he says "hey, it was too long, and it was bull**** , so I did not read it" do not be *too*surprised. (my boyfriend who is a quite okay guy once did something like that).

 

I told all about what i know and how it makes me feel. Admitted to snooping. I brought up all the related issues i could think of, and put it all out there. I tried to just tell what I know and what I think, not make accusations.

 

Well done. Expecially about the not doing accusation part.

 

I already have plans to go away for the weekend, so I have left it in a drawer. I will tell him to where to find it when he gets home. He can have the weekend to be angry, to be hurt, to feel guilty, however he reacts. And when I get back, I will expect the complete and honest truth.

 

I hope you are going to get it......and that the truth will not hurt you.

You might not like at all how he is going to react.

 

In the best scenario he'll understand he has been acting in a not appropriate way, will be glad you gave him a chance, will perhaps try to stop his habit of 'shopping around 'on the internet, and it will be up to you to forgive him or not.

Make sure he will deserve your trust before you give him trust again.

 

In the worst scenario he is not going to listen, accusing you of snooping, say that what he does on the net is none of your businness and even dump you.

 

If the worst should happen, be glad you are rid of such a person.

 

Post again after he gets the letter, please.

[PFPunks]

Hey Pixie,

 

Ok... First of all spying on your bf/gf the way you are is a horrible thing. I know because ive done it. I got a keylogger(not to give anyone ideas) and ended up reading her emails and her journals. I confessed all of it to her one day, since then ive been clean, which is something like 3 months, a little less then half the time we've been together. Her and I have had many issues concerning porn. Our particular problem comes in that I look at naked chicks, which I see as absoloutly harmless. She actually has some guy friends who she gets drunk with and goes out with, on very rare occasions, and drinks with. Ive always said that I look at naked chicks where there is no chance of me doing anything with them, but she always has the chance to screw around behind my back. In my opinion I have alot more to be concerned about.

 

All that aside, im not sure if any of that was relevant. Women have this idea that guys cannot love you if they still look at porn. I have never met a guy who would turn down a magazine after about a week without sex. Because my girlfriend was so distressed about what I was doing and because I love her more then life itself I told her I would stop, but I couldnt. She found something that she didnt like and we had a little argument. What she didnt understand was that that was the only time I had done that in an entire month, which is longer then i have ever been in my whole life. We finally came to an agreement that we both thought would be good. We now have an understanding that I will quit completly but that if I do slip up, maybe once every month, and just cant help myself that she will understand. Were both much happier about things now. Now that I know she wont freak out it releaves alot of pressure and I have almost no desire to do anything but with her.

 

Ok enough about me. Your situation is different if he's really been talking to people. I mean honestly and sincerely maybe you really are trying to squelch a habit that dies hard. I think if you can accept a limited amount of what he does and he agrees to cut back in large measure, you may both be able to get over this stuff. Might I suggest couples movies or toys or something that would keep his interest. My GF is not in to any of that at all, which is fine with me but you might be able to keep him satisfied with that. Also I dont mean to say that your not satisfying him. My gf is incredible but I still slip up every once in a while. Id say lossen the reigns a little bit and if you find out that he's not adhereing to the rules then you've got something to be mad about.

 

Letting go of a habit like that, that has been ingrained for years can be very hard. Good luck to you both.

 

 

AJ

[PFPunks]

Ok one last comment. For guys m*sterb*tion is a form of hygiene in a way. If my gf cant fool around for an extended period of time it keeps me sane. Honestly I go insane when I cant do anything. I, and I think most guys would agree, see m*sterb*tion and sex as two completly different things.

 

And now I resign from my soapbox.

 

Peace, Love, and Surf Naked

AJ

[pixiechick]

I really dont care about porn - i have enjoyed it myself on occasion. I am very open to all the sex stuff, and have a higher libido than he does actually. This is such a big deal to me because it is real women, in our area, who would probably sleep with him if he asked. To me, its cheating, and i feel threatened.

[dyermaker]

And so should you!

 

Pornography is autosexual, but this is an attempt to connect with another sentient, sexual being. It's inappropriate, and doesn't belong in a relationship.

[PFPunks]

Here here,

 

I agree fully. Guess I just misunderstood what the problem was. Looking for women in your area is definitly reason for concern. I would assume if all the logs are erased there's something to be concerned about.

 

AJ

[sally1530]

My finance and I dated for 8 months, very happy, then on Christmas day he proposed with no pressure from me, I was truly surprised and happy. We lived separately and then we planned at may 22nd, 2004 wedding, it was kinda a stressful situation for us , I moved in in early march, things were tight with time to plan the wedding, he seemed to be okay, except it seemed like he was getting cold feet... he's almost 38 and never been in a relationship more than a year. Never been married yet, no kids. I am 34 and have had a 7 year relationship and no marriage or kids. We both seemed to want the same things, marriage , kids, family, happiness...

 

I don't know what went wrong, but he insisted on having a stripper, for the bachelor party, we got into many disagreements and he wouldn't give it up, I then found out a week before my shower he was online with his profile and picture on lava-life looking for intimate encounters (sexual) with women for our entire engagement of 4 months. He was mad that I found out. He also admitted he was on some porn sites too. I got mad , I thought we made up, I told him I could forgive him and that we would need to work on building our trust with one another again. I think he was very scared to commit. Anyway everything seemed fine for a few days, he sent me "I love you" email's...etc. then that Friday night before the Saturday morning wedding shower, I come home to our house, and he said he has already canceled the wedding and I need to move out the next day. So I did. He went to two consuling sessions with me and we were blaming each other and its wasn't very nice. He wanted the ring back and for me to pay 1/2 of the wedding cost.. well number one I gave him back the ring , cause he said he might have made a mistake and wanted to be able to give it back to me another time in the future if things work out for us... right? hello, my first mistake.... second I made him pay all the wedding costs and penalties because he is the one who called it off. He sent out to our families without my knowledge " mutual consent" cards that we both agreed to walk away from the marriage... not what happened... he has had no more contact with me at all its been almost a month... I still love him and didn't think things were that bad to cancel the wedding, maybe postpone to a later date so we could work on things... but to be so drastic and sudden,, really hurt.

 

He asked for "space" or "time" to figure out what he wants in life and to work on his issues... Does this mean its truly over? Can he just walk away, one month ago he loved me and now he dosent? What should I do? He is completely closing me off... no calls, no emails, no visits.... he hasn't even told his family and friends anything exept that we were working things out to some family members and other friends he said we have "irreconsiable differences". What should I do, my heart is aching , I miss him and he is the love of my life, what to do? Will he come back to me? Should I go to him? How long is "time" ? 6 months??? a year? Never?

 

He has told me that I focused too much emotional time on recovering from my mothers sudden death last august and that since we got engaged on christmas that we didnt have enough " us" time while I was planning the wedding.... he wanted to be engaged longer.... I was living with him from early march to end of april when he broke it off. He said I didnt give him enough attention .... well we had no problems in the bedroom.... I know that... but he just wanted to play " x-box" this video game and be on his computer like 15-20 hours a week .... so almost every other night from 9pm-1am he would do this...I didnt realize while I was sleeping in the next room he was chatting with gals on the internet asking them to send him naked pictures.... whats wrong with him... Im beautiful, fit, there in his bed, wanting him to open up emotionally to me.... and he wants to excape to fantancy>>>

 

He hasnt tried to contact me anymore... for a week now... dont think I will be hearing from him... he told his parents " something was missing " in our relationship and he had doubts.... well, humm that would be honest, trust and respect >>>> I agree something was missing. I gave him those things and more. He didnt appricate them.

 

I just cant believe one month ago we were together and things seems fine. Now things are not at all... It seems like a nightmare I cant get out of ... it totally sucks... how could he play me like this.... why?

 

He hasnt said hes sorry, or even that he cheated.... he said he didnt cross the " emotional or physical line" so thats not cheating... what is that???

 

I could have accepted that fact that he had doubts and was scared to committ, but just giving up on us and quitting like that and shutting me out... well that I dont understand...

 

What should I do?

[Leigh Anne]

Originally posted by pixiechick

I really dont care about porn - i have enjoyed it myself on occasion. I am very open to all the sex stuff, and have a higher libido than he does actually. This is such a big deal to me because it is real women, in our area, who would probably sleep with him if he asked. To me, its cheating, and i feel threatened.

 

PixieChick:

I hope all the women who post on here complaining about their men looking at porn will realize that there is a distinction between looking at porn AND in your case, looking at real women. I would be bothered too, and I'm the girl who has gone on here trying to tell women that porn is ok and healthy.

 

What is disrespectful here is the personal nature of his conduct. He is browsing profiles of real women who he may potentially contact and the whole argument that porn chicks are merely fantasy images and the man will never stand a chance to meet them, fails here, because of the personal nature of this situation.

 

I, however, don't condone any invasion of privacy. Sometimes when you snoop, you'll find things you wish she hadn't! I would seriously reacess your whole relationship. There's obviously no trust here; you, since you invaded his privacy, and there's no respect here, him, as he's browsing profiles to potentially meet other women? I say, get to the bottom of this dilemna, and that means going your separate ways, then that may be the only solution.

[pixiechick]

Well, I guess I feel a little better. He admitted to everything, even stuff I didn't know about. Turns out he hasn't been "searching" for women, exactly. He was invited by a buddy to join a user group, and has been viewing the profiles from there. So where I was thinking he was actively doing a search, or going through chatrooms, it has been via this user group. He was very remorseful that it hurt me and said it wasnt his intention. My snooping led me to an incorrect assumption. I assumed that since he had been chatting before, that he was now doing it behind my back and that was what hurt so bad. I told him I still did not approve of him belonging to a user group full of naked pics, and he should have known better, and that by not telling me about it, it was the same as lying.

 

So, even though I may have overreacted, trust is still the big issue. I thought about what to do to move forward, as I do still want to continue the relationship. I do believe that he gave me full disclosure about his online activities. Some of it he has been hiding since the beginning and has been afraid to admit ever since. But it all came out last night. So, in the future he shouldnt have any further reason to lie, right???

 

I also really wanted to know why he was doing it. He said it was just voyeurism, but I countered that he could achieve that through porn. He volunteered all of his passwords and user accounts. I deleted all his friends and profiles. I showed him websites that he could use, which i would not feel threatened by. I hope he understands that its the accessiblity of the women he was looking at that bothered me the most. He said being in the user group was kinda like a little black book for him. That it made him feel he would have a backup plan if we broke up.

 

That, I think, is really why he has been doing it. He has always been afraid that I'm going to break up with him. Every argument we've had has been related to that fear in some way. I told him, "look, if I've put up with this much crap so far, you should be able to control that fear". So he's going to work on it. I'm not sure where it comes from, but probably from his first real girlfriend splitting two months before their wedding.

 

At the end of it all, I told him that I have some thinking to do. I told him my mom has offered to let me stay with her, and that I might do that for a few weeks. We are both going to be busy working this week, so I will see how i'm feeling next weekend. I'm not trying to threaten him further, but I'm just not sure anymore that I really want to be with him. I've never had to deal with trust in a relationship before, and so far its not any fun at all. If I continue to worry about it, I might have to leave.

[sally1530]

Read about sexual addicts.... porn and girly websites are very additive and its hard for guys to give that up even if they want to. Be very careful .... he will say anything to keep you , he will be on his best behavior for a while and then he will get comfortable and slide back to his own needs and wants.... on the internet.... without complete trust, the relationship has no leg to stand on... do you want to wonder every day if hes going to cheat on you? You deserve better.... is so disrepectful for him to have done that in the first place....