Please help me understand my boyfriend!

[dmachado12]

My boyfriend and I met in college and have been dating for 4 years. I would describe our relationship as considerably strong in the beginning. We have lived together in before. But, about six months ago we finally moved into our own place together. In the beginning everything seemed to be pretty normal. But, recently I have been questioning his behavior. I am not really sure what exactly what it is that is bothering me but, I will attempt to describe a couple of situations.

 

He works a fulltime sales job. He is constantly stressed out about his job. In the morning, I am up ready to go to work before he is even up. We have very little interaction in the mornings. And, in the afternoons he is normally home by 5:30 immediately followed by the gym every day. He normally goes the gym for about an hour with his best friend. He normally comes home and makes himself dinner followed by watching some tv on the couch. I will normally join him on the couch so that we are able to have some interaction. I normally feel like when I am attempting to start a conversation I am getting a short response with no elaboration. I constantly feel like I am forcing him to speak to me. It normally will end up me lying on one couch with him on the other couch in silence. I will normally go to bed earlier than him. And, he will remain out in the living room either watching tv or on his laptop. And, the day repeats itself. There have been a few incidents recently that have caused me to have uncertainty.

 

Normally we both go to dinner and do our own thing. But, recently it seems as though he has a constant urge to go out. If I suggest something it is normally turned down. But, the normal suggestion is to go out with his friends and go out to a bar on the weekends. I am not a big fan of the night life but, if he asks I always go.

 

A couple of weekends ago his best friend asked if we wanted to do dinner at a seafood restaurant. I do not eat seafood and he is very aware that I do not. He chose to go to the restaurant with his friends anyways followed by going to the bars. He arrived back to the apartment at 2AM drunk. When I was trying to make conversation as to what he had done. He was very brief and caused me to become very suspicious. I checked his phone that night only to find that he had been texting his best friend. His best friend had sent him a text explaining that if I didn’t work out a girl they had met was great looking and he could work something out. I confronted him about the situation and he explained it was a joke and it did not mean anything.

 

More recently, I realized he was constantly glued to his phone and became suspicious once again. I checked his phone and realized he had been texting a female that had been saved as a male’s name. The entire conversation was innocent but, flirty. The following day I went to re-read the messages and they had been deleted. I have not confronted him about this situation.

Also, he looks at porn quiet frequently when I am sleeping and I am not sure what to make of this as well. And, now he tends to delete his computer history.

 

I am not sure if I have become paranoid but, I constantly feel as though he is not being honest and hiding things from me. He will not set his phone down all day until he goes to sleep. I ask him who he is talking to and he will give me his best friends name or another common friend. I feel as though I am constantly trying to get some kind of interaction from him but, I do not get anything in return.

I would greatly appreciate honest feedback or suggestions as to what to do.

Edited September 29, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[julianna777]

Sounds like my husband. Porn, inappropriate text messages and facebook messages and even girlfriends. Now we're on the verge of divorce because it never changed in 4 years despite his promises. So don't waste your time and don't get more involved. Your concerns are very real. Sounds like he's not ready to settle down, and he might never be ready.

[NervisPervis]

Hmmm... That's a tough one. He doesn't care to spend time with you, doesn't enjoy conversations with you, likes to go to the bars without you and hook up with girls. Maintains inappropriate relationships with girls he hides from you, would rather jack to porn than sleep with you.

 

And you say you're NOT married and DON'T have kids? Hmmm... That doesn't make the decision any easier.

 

Not sure what you should do. Anybody have a suggestion for her?

Edited September 29, 2011 by NervisPervis

[dmachado12]

It probably sounds pretty obvious. But, of the four years together this has never been an issue. We actually spend alot of time together, which may be the problem? And, we do have really good conversations together. And, we normally go out to the bars together except for this one time that this happened. We have a really good sex. I am not sure if all this helps my case or not but, my point is that this was not always the case. And, I am sure as to what is happening.

 

Hmmm... That's a tough one. He doesn't care to spend time with you, doesn't enjoy conversations with you, likes to go to the bars without you and hook up with girls. Maintains inappropriate relationships with girls he hides from you, would rather jack to porn than sleep with you.

 

And you say you're NOT married and DON'T have kids? Hmmm... That doesn't make the decision any easier.

 

Not sure what you should do. Anybody have a suggestion for her?

[make me believe]

It probably sounds pretty obvious. But, of the four years together this has never been an issue. We actually spend alot of time together, which may be the problem? And, we do have really good conversations together. And, we normally go out to the bars together except for this one time that this happened. We have a really good sex. I am not sure if all this helps my case or not but, my point is that this was not always the case. And, I am sure as to what is happening.

 

Why would spending a lot of time together be a problem? Lots of time together is necessary to make a relationship grow, IMO. Nothing in your original post indicates that you spend a lot of time together -- definitely not quality time, anyway, since you can't even get him to have a normal conversation/interaction with you. (You are contradicting yourself, btw. In your OP you said you feel like you are forcing him to speak to you and you get short responses when you try to initiate conversation. Now you're claiming that you have really good conversations together.)

 

Honestly it sounds like your bf is checking out of this relationship. His behavior (minus the shady texting) sounds similar to my ex's right before he broke up with me. I'm sorry. You've been together 4 years so I understand it's not that easy to just get up & leave. So lay it all out on the table for him. Tell him exactly what you found in his phone (that is SUPER suspicious, btw, especially since he had her name saved as a guy's name. Do you know who this girl is? Or is it some random girl he met at the bar?) Tell him you want more quality time with him, and ask what his thoughts are.

 

I'm not seeing a lot of hope, though. He's pulling away from you, telling his friends he's unhappy (as evidenced by his friend telling him if it doesn't work out between the two of you he can try for the hot girl they met), and sneaking around behind your back to (at the very least) text other women. All very bad signs.

[KathyM]

My boyfriend and I met in college and have been dating for 4 years. I would describe our relationship as considerably strong in the beginning. We have lived together in before. But, about six months ago we finally moved into our own place together. In the beginning everything seemed to be pretty normal. But, recently I have been questioning his behavior. I am not really sure what exactly what it is that is bothering me but, I will attempt to describe a couple of situations.

 

He works a fulltime sales job. He is constantly stressed out about his job. In the morning, I am up ready to go to work before he is even up. We have very little interaction in the mornings. And, in the afternoons he is normally home by 5:30 immediately followed by the gym every day. He normally goes the gym for about an hour with his best friend. He normally comes home and makes himself dinner followed by watching some tv on the couch. I will normally join him on the couch so that we are able to have some interaction. I normally feel like when I am attempting to start a conversation I am getting a short response with no elaboration. I constantly feel like I am forcing him to speak to me. It normally will end up me lying on one couch with him on the other couch in silence. I will normally go to bed earlier than him. And, he will remain out in the living room either watching tv or on his laptop. And, the day repeats itself. There have been a few incidents recently that have caused me to have uncertainty.

 

Normally we both go to dinner and do our own thing. But, recently it seems as though he has a constant urge to go out. If I suggest something it is normally turned down. But, the normal suggestion is to go out with his friends and go out to a bar on the weekends. I am not a big fan of the night life but, if he asks I always go.

 

A couple of weekends ago his best friend asked if we wanted to do dinner at a seafood restaurant. I do not eat seafood and he is very aware that I do not. He chose to go to the restaurant with his friends anyways followed by going to the bars. He arrived back to the apartment at 2AM drunk. When I was trying to make conversation as to what he had done. He was very brief and caused me to become very suspicious. I checked his phone that night only to find that he had been texting his best friend. His best friend had sent him a text explaining that if I didn’t work out a girl they had met was great looking and he could work something out. I confronted him about the situation and he explained it was a joke and it did not mean anything.

 

More recently, I realized he was constantly glued to his phone and became suspicious once again. I checked his phone and realized he had been texting a female that had been saved as a male’s name. The entire conversation was innocent but, flirty. The following day I went to re-read the messages and they had been deleted. I have not confronted him about this situation.

Also, he looks at porn quiet frequently when I am sleeping and I am not sure what to make of this as well. And, now he tends to delete his computer history.

 

I am not sure if I have become paranoid but, I constantly feel as though he is not being honest and hiding things from me. He will not set his phone down all day until he goes to sleep. I ask him who he is talking to and he will give me his best friends name or another common friend. I feel as though I am constantly trying to get some kind of interaction from him but, I do not get anything in return.

I would greatly appreciate honest feedback or suggestions as to what to do.

It's obvious that he is communicating with other women and meeting up with other women. Most likely having sex with them also. Time to end it. He's not being faithful. If you look up information on how to tell if a guy is cheating, you will see that the things he is doing are listed as indications of cheating--hiding the phone or becoming overly protective over it; deleting computer history; deleting texts; putting women's numbers under a man's name on his phone list; emotionally distancing himself from you; making excuses to leave the house without you; coming home late. All red flags that point to cheating behavior. Time to dump this guy. He's not interested in a monogamous relationship with you anymore. Sorry. My suggestion for this relationship: dump this guy. My suggestion for making future relationships work: don't get into the habit of turning on the T.V. every night. It can become a habit, and the couple does not interact when the T.V. is on. Don't spend a lot of time on separate interests at the expense of couple interests. Couples need time together where they are interacting to build a strong relationship. You and your boyfriend don't seem to spend much time together, and have developed separate lives. You need to develop hobbies, interests and activities that you can enjoy together, both on the weekend and on weeknights. Otherwise, you just become housemates living separate lives, and that is a killer for any relationship.

[Kinder-Horror]

Hmmm... That's a tough one. He doesn't care to spend time with you, doesn't enjoy conversations with you, likes to go to the bars without you and hook up with girls. Maintains inappropriate relationships with girls he hides from you, would rather jack to porn than sleep with you.

 

And you say you're NOT married and DON'T have kids? Hmmm... That doesn't make the decision any easier.

 

Not sure what you should do. Anybody have a suggestion for her?

 

Okay - extreme sarcasm aside, I tend to agree with this person. However, four years is a long time to just stand up and walk away from.

 

I do think, in my very humble opinion, that if your boyfriend is not cheating on you - he is very close to doing so. Your first post really did not indicate the quality time you two spend together that you stated in a later post. Sitting down in front of the TV with him just to get some interaction is not quality time.

 

This needs to be confronted in one way or another if you have any intention of saving the relationship. You can play the game - distance yourself from him a bit. I know you live together, but maybe have a girls night (whether that is dinner and cocktails with a couple girls friends, a movie night, or just hanging out at a friends house) - or a couple girls nights... or just SOMETHING to do that isn't at home....just don't be around him. If you're at home, don't go and sit on the couch with him. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder for a reason.

 

There are a couple issues with this method however. It could backfire - he may either not notice your distance, or not care. In which case you basically just gave him more alone time to text the girl he has been talking to

 

Or... you can confront him about these changes in your relationship. Do not yell (though usually a guilty person will escalate the conversation to yelling, so be ready for that), but calmly explain that you have noticed a change in behavior. If you are willing to confess that you saw the texts, that will further back up your case.

 

On a side note - often times someone who is cheating (emotionally or physically), or possibly about to, will start accusing their partner of the same actions they are guilty of. Do you know if he has ever gone through your phone? Has he ever questioned your actions?

 

Do you KNOW he is going to the gym after work? He told you he was texting so-and-so and was lying... he may be lying about going to the gym with a friend.

 

 

If you are able to patch things up... couples dates should be a future must. Go out with each other... or make dinner together (with the TV off). Socialize together with friends but also together alone. Get to know one another again.

 

Best of luck

Edited October 1, 2011 by Kinder-Horror

[RickFox]

Cheating on you mentally? Yup.

 

Cheating on you physically? Probably not yet.

 

He's made the mental disconnect though. Exploring other options, while he pushes you away.

 

You can talk all you want to him, but at this stage, he won't hear you. You either, (A) Up and leave or (B) start doing to him what he's doing to you, i.e., go out all the time, stay out late, do things without him, separate yourself from him enough for him to notice and if he doesn't care or call you on it, you can consider it a done deal.

 

Some of this behavior is what I did before I made the decision to take my A one step further. Just sayin'.

[Lucky_One]

And, I am sure as to what is happening.

 

You are sure about what is happening? What exactly is happening then? It LOOKS like you don't have much of a relationship from what you are describing, in terms of intimacy and communication; are we all wrong about that?

[PegNosePete]

he had been texting a female that had been saved as a male’s name. The entire conversation was innocent but, flirty. The following day I went to re-read the messages and they had been deleted.

Alarm bells do not come much louder or more obvious than this. You know what to do.