I finally admitted to myself..I don't think I am relationship material

[AD1980]

You're pretty young im 31 and have changed as a person numerous times since i was your age so who knows how youll feel even a year or two from now could be drastically different as life changes...At 31 though i kinda feel like you though..Theyres a few reasons..At times i feel like its a cop out because ive never actually been in a relationship to know i wouldnt like beign in one

 

Maybe its a defense mechanism because deep down i dont feel i can attract women anyway so maybe im taking myself out of a game to avoid further rejection?.....Another reason is im a person who needs his space..I love my friends but if im with them for a weekend somewhere after a day or two i feel claustrophobic and need my space so i figure how will i feel living with someone everyday?

 

Lastly im kinda with you on the boring thing..not that im borign per se im a laid back guy who wants you get to know me im funny and told charming but it would feel like a chore to me to be entertaining and have something new and interesting to say to somebody every single day..

 

I feel like marreid people eventualy have to run out of **** to say to each other and have heard every single thought from that person:laugh:

Edited September 30, 2011 by AD1980

[In A Rut]

There seems to be quite a few AW's on this forum.

[eatNrM]

There seems to be quite a few AW's on this forum.

 

what is Aw?

[eatNrM]

You're pretty young im 31 and have changed as a person numerous times since i was your age so who knows how youll feel even a year or two from now could be drastically different as life changes...At 31 though i kinda feel like you though..Theyres a few reasons..At times i feel like its a cop out because ive never actually been in a relationship to know i wouldnt like beign in one

 

Maybe its a defense mechanism because deep down i dont feel i can attract women anyway so maybe im taking myself out of a game to avoid further rejection?.....Another reason is im a person who needs his space..I love my friends but if im with them for a weekend somewhere after a day or two i feel claustrophobic and need my space so i figure how will i feel living with someone everyday?

 

Lastly im kinda with you on the boring thing..not that im borign per se im a laid back guy who wants you get to know me im funny and told charming but it would feel like a chore to me to be entertaining and have something new and interesting to say to somebody every single day..

 

I feel like marreid people eventualy have to run out of **** to say to each other and have heard every single thought from that person:laugh:

 

 

Well i mean part of me still feels like its not in my nature, and ruby always provide great insight. But from these great responses from these women I finally decided to just chill, live, and make sure im honest all the time. I figure I can't go wrong that way.

[snug.bunny]

I know someone well into his thirties who is the same way. He is attractive, smart, great sense of humor, great career, has money, close with his family (and his parents are still married) and has never had a relationship. He has no problem attracting women, he's just not a "relationship" guy and is openly honest with not wanting a relationship with anyone. Maybe his mindset will change when he's in his 40's/50's, or never at all.

 

So, it may change for you somewhere down the road, or not at all. But, you seem happy nonetheless and you are fully aware of your inner self, so yay! As long as you continue to be honest that you are not relationship oriented, then it's all good.

[Nexus One]

I know someone well into his thirties who is the same way. He is attractive, smart, great sense of humor, great career, has money, close with his family (and his parents are still married) and has never had a relationship. He has no problem attracting women, he's just not a "relationship" guy and is openly honest with not wanting a relationship with anyone. Maybe his mindset will change when he's in his 40's/50's, or never at all.

 

So, it may change for you somewhere down the road, or not at all. But, you seem happy nonetheless and you are fully aware of your inner self, so yay! As long as you continue to be honest that you are not relationship oriented, then it's all good.

 

I agree that for some guys it might never change. I have suspicion that what is initializing such a change is the release of long term bonding chemicals like Oxytocin. Sounds very unromantic, but if that's what it is, then that's what it is.

[snug.bunny]

I agree that for some guys it might never change. I have suspicion that what is initializing such a change is the release of long term bonding chemicals like Oxytocin. Sounds very unromantic, but if that's what it is, then that's what it is.

 

It's not romantic because it lacks intimacy, but since OP is not relationship minded, intimacy need not apply.

[Nexus One]

It's not romantic because it lacks intimacy, but since OP is not relationship minded, intimacy need not apply.

 

What I meant was that some guys will never feel relationship oriented, even when they enter relationships. They have sex drive, but not a desire to bond.

 

My suspicion is that the change in a man to go from a purely sexual animal to a relationship oriented guy is the release of long term bonding chemicals in his body. For some guys this happens early, for some guys later on in their life and for some guys it will not happen at all.

 

What I meant with unromantic was that if chemicals are driving the desire for a relationship, then that doesn't sound romantic, but if that's what is driving that desire, than that's simply how it is.

[snug.bunny]

What I meant was that some guys will never feel relationship oriented, even when they enter relationships. They have sex drive, but not a desire to bond.

 

My suspicion is that the change in a man to go from a purely sexual animal to a relationship oriented guy is the release of long term bonding chemicals in his body. For some guys this happens early, for some guys later on in their life and for some guys it will not happen at all.

 

What I meant with unromantic was that if chemicals are driving the desire for a relationship, then that doesn't sound romantic, but if that's what is driving that desire, than that's simply how it is.

 

I hear you. . I rather not analyze the whole "chemical" factor, because it's not romantic.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Its ok sweetie...

 

"Most things are difficult before they are easy"

 

this is what I told my students (your age) today. One of them was bawling in my office last week because she picks up quantum physics in two seconds, but not strengths of materials (my class).

 

Sounds like you are being a teensy-weensy bit hard on yourself.

 

What I like about you is that you appear to be having some cognitive dissonance over this... Always the mark of a good person.

 

Being in a life-long relationship doesn't have to be boring.. Just requires some change in perspective.

 

... and maybe a few wigs/costumes

[D-Lish]

I've known men well into their 30's who will never settle down or get married.

 

I dated a guy for 3 months who told me up front he wasn't into commitment- but despite that we hit it off and he began to say he was falling in love with me. After about 3 months, and seeing one another almost every day, I asked him if he wanted to come for x-mas dinner at my parents place- they were throwing a huge dinner with many friend's, family, and since he was visiting from Ireland and had no where to go it seemed okay to ask (I mean he was saying he loved me). He immediately shut down and the distance ensued immediately. Within a few days he told me he was never looking to get serious and my invitation had made him realize we were getting too serious.

 

Now, I told you this story because him and I are still friends. We have discussed his CP many times since he left the country- and he is simply a guy that is content with staying single. He's also happy.

 

If you are inclined to this, which some people are, it's nothing to be ashamed about, and it's not necessarily an "issue" that needs addressing.

 

Maybe a girl will walk into your life one day that changes your mind- but if that never happens, so be it. You can't force yourself to be something you're not, so be happy with who you are.

[The Outlaw]

I don't feel I'm relationship material either, but not all relationships/marriages wind up badly like you think. Sure, there are those that end badly, but there are also those that are life-long as well-

[eatNrM]

Its ok sweetie...

 

"Most things are difficult before they are easy"

 

this is what I told my students (your age) today. One of them was bawling in my office last week because she picks up quantum physics in two seconds, but not strengths of materials (my class).

 

Sounds like you are being a teensy-weensy bit hard on yourself.

 

What I like about you is that you appear to be having some cognitive dissonance over this... Always the mark of a good person.

 

Being in a life-long relationship doesn't have to be boring.. Just requires some change in perspective.

 

... and maybe a few wigs/costumes

 

Haha, thanks beautiful. Honestly, I think I have been a bit too hard on myself for a very long time. So I think it's now the point where I kind of relax, and take things in stride..It'll be an adjustment..but I think this is the way to go.

 

And the costume idea may be in the works as well:laugh:

[eatNrM]

I've known men well into their 30's who will never settle down or get married.

 

I dated a guy for 3 months who told me up front he wasn't into commitment- but despite that we hit it off and he began to say he was falling in love with me. After about 3 months, and seeing one another almost every day, I asked him if he wanted to come for x-mas dinner at my parents place- they were throwing a huge dinner with many friend's, family, and since he was visiting from Ireland and had no where to go it seemed okay to ask (I mean he was saying he loved me). He immediately shut down and the distance ensued immediately. Within a few days he told me he was never looking to get serious and my invitation had made him realize we were getting too serious.

 

Now, I told you this story because him and I are still friends. We have discussed his CP many times since he left the country- and he is simply a guy that is content with staying single. He's also happy.

 

If you are inclined to this, which some people are, it's nothing to be ashamed about, and it's not necessarily an "issue" that needs addressing.

 

Maybe a girl will walk into your life one day that changes your mind- but if that never happens, so be it. You can't force yourself to be something you're not, so be happy with who you are.

 

What if part of it was due to the fact that I just don't see a significant difference between a fwb and a relationship? I mean, it seems like in both situations, you typically get to know the person pretty well. There's sex involved, and a level of openness there as well.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, what outside perks are there aside from taking on that title of boyfriend and establishing that exclusivity?

 

 

Seesh, how long have I kept these questions In the back of my mind..I have no idea.

[D-Lish]

I guess what I'm saying is, what outside perks are there aside from taking on that title of boyfriend and establishing that exclusivity?

 

Intimacy my friend.

[eatNrM]

Intimacy my friend.

 

So this factor alone makes everything worth the risk? If so, that seems understandable.

 

But I wonder if that, too, ever has an end.

[Ayla]

To be honest, I think that what you are feeling is somewhat normal. Your only 23! I wouldn't put that status on yourself just yet.

 

Just go out there, have fun, meet people - and as long as your honest with them, and upfront...then it is fine. One day something might click!

 

Unfortunately some marriages or long term relationships don't work out, but some do...and they are best friends, lovers and happily together for years. My parents included.

 

Having said that, I am a believer that everything happens for a reason, and if it is meant to be, it will be...and nothing can stop that. In the mean time, enjoy being young and free - because one day you may just meet that girl who makes you questions everything!

 

...yes, I am a romantic at heart!

[eatNrM]

To be honest, I think that what you are feeling is somewhat normal. Your only 23! I wouldn't put that status on yourself just yet.

 

Just go out there, have fun, meet people - and as long as your honest with them, and upfront...then it is fine. One day something might click!

 

Unfortunately some marriages or long term relationships don't work out, but some do...and they are best friends, lovers and happily together for years. My parents included.

 

Having said that, I am a believer that everything happens for a reason, and if it is meant to be, it will be...and nothing can stop that. In the mean time, enjoy being young and free - because one day you may just meet that girl who makes you questions everything!

 

...yes, I am a romantic at heart!

 

Thank ya Ayla. This is good advice:love:

[ThsAmericanLife]

Haha, thanks beautiful. Honestly, I think I have been a bit too hard on myself for a very long time. So I think it's now the point where I kind of relax, and take things in stride..It'll be an adjustment..but I think this is the way to go.

 

And the costume idea may be in the works as well:laugh:

 

Always nice to be complimented by the young'ins

 

Was also thinking... you are quite emotionally mature for a man your age. And I've met quite a few. Not bragging. Just my line of work.

 

I'm not surprised that you might get bored with alot of women close to your own age if you are trying to make that one person the be-all-to-end-all.

 

I've had similar 'issues' as you... I mean, I'm a freak in more ways than one (physically, intellectually, artistically etc)... but also am monogamous.

 

These days, the concept of what a 'relationship' is has changed a whole lot.

 

If your particular bent is sexual exploration, you might consider an 'open' or polyamorous relationship.

 

If you find you need to be around others for intellectual or artistic stimulation or non-sexual physical activities (ie, running, biking, etc), then you'll need to find someone who is ok with you being good friends with people of either gender who meet that need for you.

 

This has been my challenge as well. No one person can possibly meet ALL of one's needs. Defining which ones are the most important ones for you can help you find someone who can take that walk of life with you... I envy that about my parents and others who married young and stayed together.

 

I want a person/people to walk through life together.... who can call me on my sh*t... and maybe someday, mop up my dribble when I can't feed myself anymore. Not romantic for some, I know. And not something most 23 yr olds tend to worry about I sure know I didn't when I was your age!!

 

Have fun!!

Edited October 1, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[eatNrM]

Always nice to be complimented by the young'ins

 

Was also thinking... you are quite emotionally mature for a man your age. And I've met quite a few. Not bragging. Just my line of work.

 

I'm not surprised that you might get bored with alot of women close to your own age if you are trying to make that one person the be-all-to-end-all.

 

I've had similar 'issues' as you... I mean, I'm a freak in more ways than one (physically, intellectually, artistically etc)... but also am monogamous.

 

These days, the concept of what a 'relationship' is has changed a whole lot.

 

If your particular bent is sexual exploration, you might consider an 'open' or polyamorous relationship.

 

If you find you need to be around others for intellectual or artistic stimulation or non-sexual physical activities (ie, running, biking, etc), then you'll need to find someone who is ok with you being good friends with people of either gender who meet that need for you.

 

This has been my challenge as well. No one person can possibly meet ALL of one's needs. Defining which ones are the most important ones for you can help you find someone who can take that walk of life with you... I envy that about my parents and others who married young and stayed together.

 

I want a person/people to walk through life together.... who can call me on my sh*t... and maybe someday, mop up my dribble when I can't feed myself anymore. Not romantic for some, I know. And not something most 23 yr olds tend to worry about I sure know I didn't when I was your age!!

 

Have fun!!

 

Well well..thanks AL. I think you're right on all points. And sometimes I can't help but wonder if my upbringing had a lot to do with it as well. Ah well, no point on dwelling on past matters (I could do that all day ha) I think I'm just going to just kick back and enjoy life. I think I owe that to myself more than anything.

[In A Rut]

what is Aw?

 

Attention Wh*re.

[carhill]

Now that the OP has apparently admitted to his true age, perhaps opinion will change as well.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Thanks Carhill...

 

I guess it doesn't matter what his age is... might make it tough for the OP to get good advice though. He seems to be shooting himself in the foot though... oh well.

 

I suspect most people are going to cut him some slack no matter what his age because the OP is fun chatting with

[ThsAmericanLife]

Well well..thanks AL. I think you're right on all points. And sometimes I can't help but wonder if my upbringing had a lot to do with it as well. Ah well, no point on dwelling on past matters (I could do that all day ha) I think I'm just going to just kick back and enjoy life. I think I owe that to myself more than anything.

 

for the record, if I thought you were in your 40's, I'd give you the same advice. Maybe. Depending on the kind of women you were chasing.

 

My only gripe is with people who aren't honest with people in advance. Regarding your upbringing... yes, I observe traditionalists have a pretty much one-size-fits-all approach to relationships. Don't blame you for not wanting to squeeze yourself into that mold. It's not one I found attractive either.

[carhill]

Perhaps someone more wise can explain to me what the benefits are of changing pertinent facts about one's existence and experience on an anonymous internet forum. I just don't get it. None of us here is POTUS. We're just random individuals amongst billions on a planet; a planet which largely doesn't care whether we live or die. Why warp one's circumstances when asking for sincere advice?

 

OP, I know a guy, a personal friend, who's 50 and, to my knowledge, has never had a LTR. I've known him for almost 20 years now. He's good looking, is in church as I type this post, is a white-collar professional and generally has been a pretty good friend. I've seen him with women, but never for more than a month or two. Is he not relationship material? IDK. He is pretty rigid in his habits and standards. For example, on a Saturday night, we'll be having a BBQ and drinking beers at my best friends and he'll politely excuse himself no later than 8pm (this is consistent for years) to go home and get some sleep to get up early for church on Sunday.

 

When I was in my late 30's I had this nagging feeling I wasn't relationship (marriage in my case) material but I kept pressing on anyway. Maybe that was a mistake. I've come to believe we all have our own path and 'relationships' which are healthy for that path. Your path may not be the 'traditional' marriage and two kids path. There's no reason why it has to be. It could be the live in separate homes but love to be together path. It could be the long distance but committed path. Anything is possible.

 

Whatever your path is, prosecute it in the real world. Today. Good luck.