Love or leave?

[Lost]

I have been dating the same guy off and on for 5 years. I love him. There is no way around that. But he walkes in and out of my life at his leasure, and I still love him.

 

Recently, he decided to take a job in another state. I am a little sad and a little angry about his choice. I am not going with him. (No invite and no desire to live in the state) We both know that we have something very good as a relationship, but he's not willing to take the next step.

 

I was told that I was not a priority. If I were, he would stay here. I was also told that we were just going to be "good friends" that talk once in awhile. Hello. Can someone help me here? We have been steady for the last 10 months. We snuggle, we travel together, ect. I want a relationship. I am willing to work at it from a distance.

 

Am i in the dark? are there signs here that i should be seeing? does anyone have any advice or anything i could say to him to get my point across better? What should I do?

[Tony T]

If you have been dating him for five years and have been in a committed relationship for ten months and he told you that you were not a priority, terminate the relationship and find someone who will make you a priority.

 

This guy's conduct clearly indicates he cares far less about you that you care about him. He sounds like a pretty cold jerk.

 

It won't be difficult ending things because he is going away. He has already said he doesn't want to work on the relationship much from a distance so why should you care anyway.

 

Once you heal from this, you'll be able to find someone who really does care about you and who wants to make you an important part of his life, no matter where he must go.

 

I'd love to advise you on how you can make this work...but there is simply no way you can make this guy care more about you if he doesn't want to. His leaving has served to save you a lot of time because it could have taken you much much longer to find out just how little he cared about the situation.

[Jenna]

Sometimes people become "habits"- we stay in a relationship because we don't want to make the effort to get out.

 

The fact that he accepted a job out of state and did not ask you to go with him- says he's a coward and couldn't end the relationship on his own. This is a MAJOR sign- stop ignoring it. By doing so you are dragging your heart through the rocks.

 

Sometimes I get so frustrated with people who practically kill themselves trying to be with someone that doesn't want to be with them. What is it that you are holding on to? If its the 5 years that you have invested- how are you going to feel in 10 if you don't let go now?

 

Move on from this- be glad he is in another state-that makes the break a whole lot easier. Meet some new people- have some fun- and enjoy your life without this man holding you back.

 

Good Luck. Jenna

If you have been dating him for five years and have been in a committed relationship for ten months and he told you that you were not a priority, terminate the relationship and find someone who will make you a priority. This guy's conduct clearly indicates he cares far less about you that you care about him. He sounds like a pretty cold jerk. It won't be difficult ending things because he is going away. He has already said he doesn't want to work on the relationship much from a distance so why should you care anyway. Once you heal from this, you'll be able to find someone who really does care about you and who wants to make you an important part of his life, no matter where he must go. I'd love to advise you on how you can make this work...but there is simply no way you can make this guy care more about you if he doesn't want to. His leaving has served to save you a lot of time because it could have taken you much much longer to find out just how little he cared about the situation.

[Tony T]

You wrote above: "Sometimes I get so frustrated with people who practically kill themselves trying to be with someone that doesn't want to be with them."

 

I used to do that and I feel like such a stupid fool I get embarassed when I think about it. And when I see people doing what I did, I don't just get frustrated...I get MAD AS HELL...at myself...for ever ever doing that.

 

Why am I such a very slow learner???

[Jenna]

OMG! Tony asking "me" for advice?? I am so flattered- hehee. Seriously though- about your question.... I get frustrated because I have done the same thing- and it is so self- destructive. I don't know why we do it- but in an analysis of myself- I did it because I discovered that the pain of the relationship (w\ex-husband) was far less than the pain of letting go. So for a year- after our divorce and countless "I don't love you's" I still chased- made a complete fool of myself and got used over and over and over. Finanlly- the pain of letting go out weighed the pain of holding on- and I never felt so free.

 

I see this same thing happening to my friends- even a family member recently- and it is soooo frustrating to not be able to show people how beautiful their lives will be if they let this person go that obviously couldn't give a sh*% less about them.

 

I think that people sometimes fall into thinking that they can change their partner. We work so hard to do it- invest time in it- and hate to give up just because the other isn't trying. It makes us try even harder. I had to learn (in a case with my own mother)- the are no words that I can say to her to make her love me more-she is the way she is- and I can not change her. I accept her the way she is-and embrace the things about her that make me happy. And avoid the things that hurt me- hence- we have a much better relationship. Maybe you still try to change people- you are so down to earth in your way of thinking- it seems so simple to you- how to treat people and how to handle even the most difficult situations. So you probably (like me) often wonder why can't you teach this to others-especially your love interests. Some people just do not think and understand on that level- its just a fact.

 

I have never tried to change anyone else -since my ex-husband- I learned that I do not want to ever go through that kind of pain again- the sense of failure. If people I meet don't practice my same way of problem solving- a relationship probably won't work. Cold? Maybe- but it sure does save me a lot of heartache down the road.

 

Happy Monday!! Jenna

You wrote above: "Sometimes I get so frustrated with people who practically kill themselves trying to be with someone that doesn't want to be with them." I used to do that and I feel like such a stupid fool I get embarassed when I think about it. And when I see people doing what I did, I don't just get frustrated...I get MAD AS HELL...at myself...for ever ever doing that. Why am I such a very slow learner???

[Lost]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I have taken it all to heart. I appreciate that you all brought up somethings that I had not thought of yet.

 

Love and I had a very intemate talk tonight where it was all layed out on the table. After many tears on both sides, I have decided to let it all go. (Sting said it best with, "Free, Free, set them free.")

 

It was obvious that his heart wasn't here and I called him on it and he finally admitted to it. The moment he said the words, I felt this huge burden off my shoulders. I never realized what finally admitting to it would do for me. I am sad but very excited for my new future. We will remain friends but not lovers.

 

One last question, He wants me to come visit him over his birthday next month. As friends. Do I go?

 

Lost.

OMG! Tony asking "me" for advice?? I am so flattered- hehee. Seriously though- about your question.... I get frustrated because I have done the same thing- and it is so self- destructive. I don't know why we do it- but in an analysis of myself- I did it because I discovered that the pain of the relationship (w\ex-husband) was far less than the pain of letting go. So for a year- after our divorce and countless "I don't love you's" I still chased- made a complete fool of myself and got used over and over and over. Finanlly- the pain of letting go out weighed the pain of holding on- and I never felt so free. I see this same thing happening to my friends- even a family member recently- and it is soooo frustrating to not be able to show people how beautiful their lives will be if they let this person go that obviously couldn't give a sh*% less about them. I think that people sometimes fall into thinking that they can change their partner. We work so hard to do it- invest time in it- and hate to give up just because the other isn't trying. It makes us try even harder. I had to learn (in a case with my own mother)- the are no words that I can say to her to make her love me more-she is the way she is- and I can not change her. I accept her the way she is-and embrace the things about her that make me happy. And avoid the things that hurt me- hence- we have a much better relationship. Maybe you still try to change people- you are so down to earth in your way of thinking- it seems so simple to you- how to treat people and how to handle even the most difficult situations. So you probably (like me) often wonder why can't you teach this to others-especially your love interests. Some people just do not think and understand on that level- its just a fact. I have never tried to change anyone else -since my ex-husband- I learned that I do not want to ever go through that kind of pain again- the sense of failure. If people I meet don't practice my same way of problem solving- a relationship probably won't work. Cold? Maybe- but it sure does save me a lot of heartache down the road.

 

Happy Monday!! Jenna

[Jenna]

You need to do what you think is best. But I bet if you really do think about it- you will decide that its not a good idea. You run the risk of falling into a situation that will land you right back where you are now. I hope you decide to distance yourself from this man -at least until you have moved on with your life- and you won't have done that by next month. There will be a time of healing- and learning to live without him- this will take more time than a month. You may find yourself missing him deeply - and very vulnerable- this would not be a good time to see him.

 

Good luck- I hope everything goes well for you. Jenna

Thanks everyone for your advice. I have taken it all to heart. I appreciate that you all brought up somethings that I had not thought of yet. Love and I had a very intemate talk tonight where it was all layed out on the table. After many tears on both sides, I have decided to let it all go. (Sting said it best with, "Free, Free, set them free.") It was obvious that his heart wasn't here and I called him on it and he finally admitted to it. The moment he said the words, I felt this huge burden off my shoulders. I never realized what finally admitting to it would do for me. I am sad but very excited for my new future. We will remain friends but not lovers. One last question, He wants me to come visit him over his birthday next month. As friends. Do I go? Lost.