Is the OM playing with me?

[stillafool]

I agree.

 

I am not offering excuses, i am just afraid to have another failed M with my OM.

 

 

Why do you have to be married at all when you are not in love with your husband but in love with the OM? Why can't you do the reasonable thing and tell your husband you are in love with another man, divorce him, move out on your own and show the OM that you mean business? It is up to you to do the work. Not him or your husband.

[no expectations]

Wow, wow, wow....

 

This is a perspective I haven't seen on LS before and, while it absolutely sickens me to read it, its good for me to see. To think that my xMM was having your thought process while telling me he was going to leave his M all along is a real eye opener. To think he might have wanted some sort of guarantee of my stability should he leave to be with me? Seriously? I was a freakin basket case due to the SECRETS. Secrets make you sick...mentally, emotionally and physically. Of course your OM's behavior is eratic...you are mind f****** him daily.

 

Wow, sorry for so many wow's....wow.

[ParadiseNotes]

And to answer the question in your title - NO, the OM is NOT playing with you. He is being honest and straight forward with you. He will not be in a R with you while you are married to someone else, because it is too painful.

 

 

Does honesty means hearing me crying and asking for him while he just walked away?

Does honesty means dissapearing for two months with no explanations? Does honesty means appearing out of nowhere after two months telling me how much he missed me?

 

Maybe I am just a toy he is playing with. Maybe the summer ended and he had nowhere else to turn to.

[Heart On]

I love him, we went through a lot, but I am not in love with him.

 

You can't claim to love a man you are betraying..sorry.

Would he see your affair as a loving act towards him?

 

And that saying is about not feeling sexual towards your H anymore.

And how could you when you have been having sex with someone new for as long as you have? Your hubby can't compete if he doesn't know he's in a competition.Nor would he even want to if he knew he was sharing you with another man.I know most MM"s have sex with thier BS's...do you still have sex with your H? If you do,it's not the same is it? Lacks the intensity because it's too familiar.

 

So what you are saying is that all MP involved in an A do not have the courage to leave?

 

Not all.....just the one's who lack character or who have commitment issues.

[skywriter]

This entire post has me asking the obvious in my head, "Are you for real"?

[imissyou2011]

I truly understand how you feel. I am a MW who had an affair with a co-worker for two years.We would go through periods of NC, but we would always come back together.However two years ago, he left and it devastated me. I felt I loved him and did not understand how he could leave me. However, in retrospect he was tired of waiting on me. He did not want to be the cause of breaking up a home. I broke the NC recently and things did not go well...at all. So..I understand the passion and love you feel for this man, may not ever go away, but you can bury it in your heart and pray to God for strength and guidance. Best of luck to you..

[ParadiseNotes]

I truly understand how you feel. I am a MW who had an affair with a co-worker for two years.We would go through periods of NC, but we would always come back together.However two years ago, he left and it devastated me. I felt I loved him and did not understand how he could leave me. However, in retrospect he was tired of waiting on me. He did not want to be the cause of breaking up a home. I broke the NC recently and things did not go well...at all. So..I understand the passion and love you feel for this man, may not ever go away, but you can bury it in your heart and pray to God for strength and guidance. Best of luck to you..

 

Thanks for understanding. I have received a lot of heat in this thread.

 

The tremendous battle between heart and mind is too much to handle.

 

I have a H that loves me and is always next to me, but I am in love with someone else. If I could only turn back time, but obviously I cant.

 

Perhaps I am 'paying' for entering into this A in the first place.

[Heart On]

Thanks for understanding. I have received a lot of heat in this thread.

 

The tremendous battle between heart and mind is too much to handle.

 

I have a H that loves me and is always next to me, but I am in love with someone else. If I could only turn back time, but obviously I cant.

 

Perhaps I am 'paying' for entering into this A in the first place.

 

It's not "heat" it's what you need to hear to get off the fence.

 

If you have any respect for your husband,you will give him the chance to make the choice whether he wants you or not by telling him the truth of you and your love for someone else.You may wind up alone if you wait too long and in some ways,that's what you deserve.

 

Wouldn't you want the chance to make informed choices if your husband was cheating on you?

 

I doubt he would love you if he knew...and that's why you keep it all a secret...it gives you all the power.

[denise_xo]

Try to put yourselves in other peoples' shoes.

 

If you were in the place of your OM, how would you feel? What would you do about it?

 

If you were in the place of your H and found out what was going on, how would you feel? What would you do about it?

[So Very Confused]

This is a very interesting perspective. I'm on the other side of the coin Paradise.

 

I'm the OW and the xMM said almost the exact same thing to me. He said he wanted to be with me but wanted to make sure I would be there or he wasn't going to leave his W. He says he can't trust me since I have been dating other people and haven't been waiting on him. I'm not going to sit around and wait on him because he's married. It's circle we can't seem to get out of.

 

Until I read this thread, I always thought he was playing me. I thought he was just saying he wanted to leave his W to keep me around. I didn't really believe he'd do it. I still believe he'd find a reason to not trust me and stay in his marriage.

 

I'm divorced myself. Not because I wanted to be with someone else, but because my marriage wasn't working. It was really hard to make the decision to leave the security of my marriage. I can't imagine clouding the issue with also trying to decide if another person was the one I wanted to be with. Even before I was married, I never had much success with choosing between two people. I always found it was much easier to base my decision of continuing the relationship on each person separately.

 

I really do thank you for showing your side of the quandary. Good luck. I hope it all works out well for you.

[freestyle]

Try to put yourselves in other peoples' shoes.

 

If you were in the place of your OM, how would you feel? What would you do about it?

 

If you were in the place of your H and found out what was going on, how would you feel? What would you do about it?

 

OP, if you can answer these questions---it might help clear some of your confusion.

 

There are THREE sets of feelings involved in the triangle you've created.

Not just your feelings.

Time for an Empathy Check.

[stillafool]

Does honesty means hearing me crying and asking for him while he just walked away?

Does honesty means dissapearing for two months with no explanations? Does honesty means appearing out of nowhere after two months telling me how much he missed me?

 

Maybe I am just a toy he is playing with. Maybe the summer ended and he had nowhere else to turn to.

 

Does honesty mean cheating on your husband with another man?

 

Does honesty mean living a lie with your husband?

 

You are no better than the OM you are complaining about. Why don't you leave your husband and let him find someone who is in love with him.

[reboot]

It truly floors me sometimes to know there are people out there who absolutely don't care about anyone but themselves. OP not only doesn't care about her husband, quite frankly she doesn't really care about OM either. He's tried his best to knock her off the fence but apparently can't find a stick big enough.

[Emme]

All I want to know is when will you be filing for divorce since you are no longer happy in your marriage?

[Lucky_One]

Does honesty means hearing me crying and asking for him while he just walked away?

Does honesty means dissapearing for two months with no explanations? Does honesty means appearing out of nowhere after two months telling me how much he missed me?

 

Maybe I am just a toy he is playing with. Maybe the summer ended and he had nowhere else to turn to.

 

It appears that you don't know what the definition of honesty is. Honesty does NOT mean having to stop your own healing in order to coddle someone else's tears. Honesty does NOT mean he owes you his reasons for breaking up with you. Honesty does NOT mean that he is never allowed to tell you that he misses you.

 

He has TOLD you that he wants you to divorce your husband, and until you do, he does not want to be in a R with you. How in the heck is that dishonest?

 

You are amazingly unrealistic. You expect a man to give you a guarantee that he will always be there for you, that he will never be unreasonable, that your future is 100% assured for happiness and eternity. That will NEVER happen. If it did happen, you would be having sex with your H instead of with a co-worker.

[Heart On]

It truly floors me sometimes to know there are people out there who absolutely don't care about anyone but themselves. OP not only doesn't care about her husband, quite frankly she doesn't really care about OM either. He's tried his best to knock her off the fence but apparently can't find a stick big enough.

 

 

Doesn't surprise me in the least...MM do this crap all the time to OW all the time.

 

I think he should hit himself with the stick,realize that she's not going to get off the fence and go find himself a woman with a conscience,some guts,less baggage and no husband to screw over.

[whichwayisup]

I am a MW with no children involved in an A for the past year and a half with a colleague. We have been friends many years before the A started. For the first six months all was ok afterwards we had many arguments, mainly trust issues. He didn’t trust me and was accusing me that I want ‘both words’, I didn’t trust him because of the fights and his ups/downs in his mood. When he was upset he wasn’t talking to me for few days then coming back again.

 

I am in love with him and somehow I always believed that we can manage things. He is the only reason I wanted to end my M but after all these arguments/fights I just don’t know if it’s worth it. Yes I’ve made terrible mistakes when I accepted him in my life as well as for keeping him waiting for so long but I just couldn’t make up my mind due to his character.

 

He's right, you were cake eating. Trying out another relationship aka affair on the side while still married, and only considering divore if he was 'the one'. If you want to divorce your husband, DO SO, reguardless of the OM! It sounds like now you see that the grass isn't greener and you may not want to divorce anymore since things with the OM aren't great anymore. Why would you stay married? you have no kids, would divorce if OM and you were great together. Divorce your H so HE can find someone who will love only him and not cheat on him.

[spice4life]

Thanks for understanding. I have received a lot of heat in this thread.

 

The tremendous battle between heart and mind is too much to handle.

 

I have a H that loves me and is always next to me, but I am in love with someone else. If I could only turn back time, but obviously I cant.

 

Perhaps I am 'paying' for entering into this A in the first place.

 

I was a S OW and I went NC a bunch of times because the stress of being involved with someone who is married is absolutely awful.

 

Honestly, you will never know how your OM is for real until you get rid of your safety net. The safety net allows you to judge him harshly from a distance as evidenced by your "character" comments. I know this because I have BTDT. I didn't realize how skewed my vision and perceptions were until I finally got rid of the safey net.

 

But then again, you may not love this man at all because if you did, you wouldn't have any doubts him at all. Plus, you are putting tremendous amount of pressure on the guy by making him the sole reason you are leaving your marriage. And then, to sit back and judge the guy's character?...no wonder he freaks out occasionally.

 

Another thing I have learned is that your judgements and fears are actually your own projections of how you feel about yourself. Think about it for a second. You are married to a guy who obviously "loves" you and stands by you, yet you are willing to toss him aside for someone else? Maybe your OM is afraid you will do it to him too. And more importantly, you are afraid you will do it too, so you are projecting that onto him and he is acting out your fears...YOUR fears about yourself.

 

As a person who has been on the safety net side of that fence, my advice is that you should cut the guy a break and take him out from under the microscope you have him under. That's a lot of pressure and honestly, it is probably why he freaks out and takes off. Immature of him? Yes. Unrealistic? No. The unrealistic thing in this whole story is your expectations of him.

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by ParadiseNotes

Does honesty means hearing me crying and asking for him while he just walked away?

Does honesty means dissapearing for two months with no explanations? Does honesty means appearing out of nowhere after two months telling me how much he missed me?

 

Maybe I am just a toy he is playing with. Maybe the summer ended and he had nowhere else to turn to.

 

And what about what you've been doing to your husband? Where's the honesty and your wedding vows, the committment you made to him?

 

Sorry, I know it seems I'm harsh here, but it's sort of odd that you're so focused on your own pain and don't see that you're inflicting that pain on your husband by having an affair. Unless I've missed something in your thread about your marriage (need to read whole thread) and if your H hit you or something, then what you've done by not ending your marriage and giving another man 'hope' but not committing to making a decision either way, isn't good.

[CrazyMom]

Thanks for understanding. I have received a lot of heat in this thread.

 

The tremendous battle between heart and mind is too much to handle.

 

I have a H that loves me and is always next to me, but I am in love with someone else. If I could only turn back time, but obviously I cant.

 

Perhaps I am 'paying' for entering into this A in the first place.

 

I can understand some of what you're saying. I am in a similar situation, but have only been for two months.

 

My OM is very hesitant, and won't tell me to leave my M because he DOES NOT want to be the reason. You have to understand that you need to leave for YOU, no one else. Not that it makes the decision any easier. And it's VERY hard to make sure you push the feelings for OM out of the picture when trying to decide.

 

My heart breaks for your OM and makes me feel horrible for my OM. No way would I string my OM along for as long as you have. If we were in love with each other then there's no doubt in my mind that I'd be leaving my M tomorrow. Honestly, I feel like your decision should be pretty clear if you love OM.

 

I feel for you. Even once you're at the point where you're not afraid to be alone, this is a huge change. It's a huge decision to make, life changing for everyone involved. I'm not good with change. So although I feel like I'd be ok on my own, it's still very scary. I've come to terms with the fact that I don't know how things would turn out with OM. But I still hope we'd be together. Just hard to make that first step.

 

Good luck. Make the decision for you. Push OM out of your mind and make your decision based on there being no OM in the picture.

[Confused4Now]

I love him, we went through a lot, but I am not in love with him.

Wow this sound like affair fog to me!!!!

[East7]

 

I feel for you. Even once you're at the point where you're not afraid to be alone, this is a huge change. It's a huge decision to make, life changing for everyone involved. I'm not good with change. So although I feel like I'd be ok on my own, it's still very scary. I've come to terms with the fact that I don't know how things would turn out with OM. But I still hope we'd be together. Just hard to make that first step.

.

 

This is something with MWomen that I will never get.

 

Just because you are scared of changes you suck it up and stay with hubbies making everyone around miserable ?

 

There are no guarantees in life. Either one takes a risk to be with the OM and enjoy-each other's love without sneaking around OR stay with your H and spend the rest of your life with what-if-s.

 

I am sure your spouses prefer you leave them rather than being 'hostage' of a wife that cheats behind their back and pines for an OM. Who wants that kind of life?

[anne1707]

This is something with MWomen that I will never get.

 

Just because you are scared of changes you suck it up and stay with hubbies making everyone around miserable ?

 

There are no guarantees in life. Either one takes a risk to be with the OM and enjoy-each other's love without sneaking around OR stay with your H and spend the rest of your life with what-if-s.

 

I am sure your spouses prefer you leave them rather than being 'hostage' of a wife that cheats behind their back and pines for an OM. Who wants that kind of life?

 

But this implies that the OM is the catch and not the H. I know when I was a WS that I never really wanted to be with the OM in a full-time, open, real relationship. Although I would not have put it this way at the time, I was in it for the cake. I did not leave my H not because I was scared of change but because I did not want that change. If I had truly loved the OM more than my H, I would have left.

 

OP - who do you see yourself growing old with? Whose hand do you want to be holding when you are old and grey? Who do you turn to when you have had a bad day at work? Who do you want to look after you if you are sick? With whom do you feel most like your true self?

 

If it is the OM, end your marriage now. If it is your H, end your affair now. Stop playing games with these men and complaining that they do not want to play with you.

[MissBee]

I am a MW with no children involved in an A for the past year and a half with a colleague. We have been friends many years before the A started. For the first six months all was ok afterwards we had many arguments, mainly trust issues. He didn’t trust me and was accusing me that I want ‘both words’, I didn’t trust him because of the fights and his ups/downs in his mood. When he was upset he wasn’t talking to me for few days then coming back again.

 

I am in love with him and somehow I always believed that we can manage things. He is the only reason I wanted to end my M but after all these arguments/fights I just don’t know if it’s worth it. Yes I’ve made terrible mistakes when I accepted him in my life as well as for keeping him waiting for so long but I just couldn’t make up my mind due to his character.

 

For the past two months he went into NC although I asked him to reason with me, I pleaded, I cried but he just left without any explanations for two months. Last Monday he broke the NC but I was so upset and mad I just can’t accept anything from him anymore. He told me how much he loves me, that he wants to be with me and that he couldn’t see any other option than to leave two months ago as I wouldn’t end my M.

 

I feel lost, angry and I resent him a lot since Monday. Yes I have feelings for him but do not want to get hurt again. He left so many times and the last one was for such a big period that made me believe that he was playing and didn’t care for me.

 

Shall I give him another chance? Is he for real?

 

I think he is being completely reasonable in leaving because you wouldn't leave your marriage.

 

If the shoe were on the other foot and he wasn't leaving his marriage how would you feel? He has no reason to really trust in you more so than you him.

 

Being in a relationship with a married person, when you want more does not always bring out the best in you...sorry. It can make you prone to arguments, frustrations and times of wanting to leave. While I was in the A, I reacted in the same way, in fact about the only arguments we had were about "his situation". I couldn't do it....

 

I do not think you should base whether or not you're going to leave your marriage on him. I wouldn't trust someone who said that. I think leaving you should truly assess your marriage and if it is worth it...evidently it seems to be...and choose to do the right thing and leave your husband alone to find love elsewhere versus trying to have your cake and eat it too or go from one safety net to another.

[Woggle]

Chances are yes he is. It is rare that a man looks to a married woman for a relationship. I know this is harsh but most men who date married women look at it as an easy thrill.