Is the OM playing with me?

[Confused4Now]

Better yet tell us what actions you've taken to show your OM that you are serious about leaving your marriage? What steps have you taken...better yet have you done future faking with him and none of what you promised ever happened?

[East7]

But this implies that the OM is the catch and not the H.

If the OM was the hostage, he is not anymore, because he left her. Her H is the hostage of someone who is sentimentally elsewhere.

 

I know when I was a WS that I never really wanted to be with the OM in a full-time, open, real relationship. Although I would not have put it this way at the time, I was in it for the cake. I did not leave my H not because I was scared of change but because I did not want that change. If I had truly loved the OM more than my H, I would have left.

 

At least you are honest enough to admit that you were a cake-eater (for 4 years.)

 

It is rare that a man looks to a married woman for a relationship. I know this is harsh but most men who date married women look at it as an easy thrill.

 

Woggle sorry but this sounds wrong. Most OM here on LS really love their MW and those who are single want to have a real daylight relationship.

[anne1707]

If the OM was the hostage, he is not anymore, because he left her. Her H is the hostage of someone who is sentimentally elsewhere.

 

Which is why I said she needs to stop playing with these men. Plus a catch does not mean hostage. I question how much the OP actually does want the OM seeing as she stays in the marriage.

 

 

At least you are honest enough to admit that you were a cake-eater (for 4 years.)

 

Hmm. If you are going to read my back story get it right. 3 not 4

 

 

Woggle sorry but this sounds wrong. Most OM here on LS really love their MW and those who are single want to have a real daylight relationship.

 

And some OM are not capable of having a real adult relationship

 

Who knows what this particular OM wants? He is not posting here so none of us can say

Edited September 30, 2011 by anne1707

[Woggle]

 

 

 

Woggle sorry but this sounds wrong. Most OM here on LS really love their MW and those who are single want to have a real daylight relationship.

 

Look at how few OM there are on here compared to OW.

[East7]

Hmm. If you are going to read my back story get it right. 3 not 4

 

Sorry my bad. 3 years is still a long time

 

And some OM are not capable of having a real adult relationship

 

So you give yourself the luxury to keep 2 men in order to decide who was better relationship material ? Or testing the market while having a committed husband? To easy (and bitchy) to end up saying "pfff OM wasn't worth it"

[anne1707]

Sorry my bad. 3 years is still a long time

 

 

 

So you give yourself the luxury to keep 2 men in order to decide who was better relationship material ? Or testing the market while having a committed husband? To easy (and bitchy) to end up saying "pfff OM wasn't worth it"

 

This thread is not about me. Please don't take your anger out on me.

[Circular]

Look at how few OM there are on here compared to OW.

 

Not sure how the number of OM here validates your statement actually. It could be easily argued that the lack of OM and MM in general is more in regards to how men and women socialize their emotional issues.

 

The specific case that the OP is referring to is also contrary to your statement, from what he said it was pretty clear that if she's not going to leave the H then he is going to walk away from the relationship, he's only showing his self-respect.

[East7]

Look at how few OM there are on here compared to OW.

 

Because

1- men are less likely to put up with someone married (reality check)

2- those who are involved is because they really love their MW

3- those who are single want a future, those who are married OM either feel the situation hopeless or just enjoy cake-eating as much as their MW.

4- many are too proud to admit or seek forum support.

[Gentlegirl]

Simple, by showing me that he is stable and with no ups/downs all the time. I am afraid of his character and thats the only reason I have not yet left my H. My M is not a disaster but I am in love with the OM.

 

Maybe you think I am giving excuses, maybe you think i want it all, but I am not.

 

 

Well why wouldn't he be all up and down and all over the place??? he probably feels like the dog's dinner. I am xOW and let me tell you lady, when you're involved with a married person life is not a fairy tale.

 

It is very painful ,repeat ......PAINFUL, to know the person you love is sleeping with somebody else, sharing their life with somebody else and only want to be with you when it suits them. It is soul destroying and

anyway, I don't think you are in a position to be judging anybody's character as unstable at the moment, do you?

 

You have absolutely NOTHING to offer the OM but you expect him to be the Rock of Gibraltar , there for you when YOU want. YOu have probably hurt the man very badly

 

If your marriage is a such a disaster, why don't you leave it regardless of the OM? I think you do want it all.

 

Do both men a favour and get out of their lives until you are a bit more stable in your own character.

Gentlegirl.

[Woggle]

Because

1- men are less likely to put up with someone married (reality check)

2- those who are involved is because they really love their MW

3- those who are single want a future, those who are married OM either feel the situation hopeless or just enjoy cake-eating as much as their MW.

4- many are too proud to admit or seek forum support.

 

Men going through divorces sure don't seem too proud to seek support. The fact of the matter is that most men if they want love don't look for it with married women.

[Gentlegirl]

Does honesty means hearing me crying and asking for him while he just walked away?

Does honesty means dissapearing for two months with no explanations? Does honesty means appearing out of nowhere after two months telling me how much he missed me?

 

Maybe I am just a toy he is playing with. Maybe the summer ended and he had nowhere else to turn to.

 

It's called self protection. It's strategy for preserving sanity when you are in a powerless position at the hands of the MM/MW.

 

He/she holds all the cards and can **** you around anyhow they want, and do.

 

GG

 

GG

[Circular]

I mean to comment on the stability thing earlier. In my A everything was stable, or at least stable as it could be until she started flip-flopping, now I would have been fine if we could agree on curtailing the relationship, postponing it, stopping it, changing it, etc... at least both people remain on the same page. BUT, when someone becomes indecisive and that period of indecision lasts a few months there's no way to avoid instability, it's just too heart wrenching. The going back and forth, yes, maybe, no, sort of just messes with your head too much, suddenly both people are acting in ways they really don't want to be but the circumstances don't provide any clarity. Suddenly every conversation has this indecisive undertone, there are a lot of words but the actions don't match. It becomes very frustrating.

 

Your OM did the right thing and a lot of his behavior I have no doubt had to do with you stringing him along and him feeling emotionally beat up.

[whichwayisup]

I hope you don't feel attacked..Everybody is being honest and supportive, yes some of what's been said is harsh but you need to 'hear' it.. Better to be prepared to face reality, what's been said here is nothing that will be said if your husband finds out and/or the rest of your family, and your in laws.

 

Get to counselling to help you make a decision one way or another.

[fooled once]

Another chance for us to try and be together despite of all our arguments.

 

I am not giving excuses so as not to leave my M. If we work things out I will seriously consider leaving my H. But I am afraid to get hurt again.

 

So for the last 1.5 years, you haven't been seriously considering leaving your H? So for the last 1.5 years you have been playing with the OM. You have not even considered leaving your H; yet you proclaim all this love for the OM. And you get pissed he left for 2 months? Be glad he even bothered to call you when he returned. I wouldn't have. You are a cake eater and playing around with 2 men's lives. Sorry, that is really a crappy thing to do.

 

No he is not, but very similar stories. Thank you.

 

I am not saying that the OM does not have his perspective. Its more like 'he said, she said'.

 

I want to end my M for him but the question that keeps coming into my mind is 'Is it worth it or not?. I am not offering excuses, I just try to make a life decision.

 

End your marriage FOR him? That's a crappy thing to do. End it because YOU want to end it; not put it on him. You will end up blaming him when your affair turned relationship goes sour. You will resent him for MAKING you leave your marriage. If you haven't left by now, you aren't leaving. We all see that and so does the OM.

 

Does honesty means hearing me crying and asking for him while he just walked away?

Does honesty means dissapearing for two months with no explanations? Does honesty means appearing out of nowhere after two months telling me how much he missed me?

 

Maybe I am just a toy he is playing with. Maybe the summer ended and he had nowhere else to turn to.

 

And where is your honesty with your H? Maybe the OM is the TOY you keep playing with.

[MissBee]

So for the last 1.5 years, you haven't been seriously considering leaving your H? So for the last 1.5 years you have been playing with the OM. You have not even considered leaving your H; yet you proclaim all this love for the OM. And you get pissed he left for 2 months? Be glad he even bothered to call you when he returned. I wouldn't have. You are a cake eater and playing around with 2 men's lives. Sorry, that is really a crappy thing to do.

 

 

 

End your marriage FOR him? That's a crappy thing to do. End it because YOU want to end it; not put it on him. You will end up blaming him when your affair turned relationship goes sour. You will resent him for MAKING you leave your marriage. If you haven't left by now, you aren't leaving. We all see that and so does the OM.

 

 

 

And where is your honesty with your H? Maybe the OM is the TOY you keep playing with.

 

I have to agree.

 

Not to be harsh Paradise, but really, it's the truth. You're sounding like someone who has stabbed someone in the heart and then the person pinches you and now you're upset and whining to everyone about it, completely oblivious to the fact that what you did to them was worst and they have every "right" to have a reaction.

 

I agree with Gentlegirl:

 

Do both men a favour and get out of their lives until you are a bit more stable in your own character

This isn't meant to be a put down....just the truth. Based on all you've said and the fact that your priorities, decision making skills and rationale seem a bit off, I think perhaps you should focus on yourself and what's up with you versus either staying unhappily with your husband or trying to leave your marriage to be with the OM. Often times when people try to hop from one relationship to another as a safety blanket....it doesn't work, as they have poor relationship habits and it's not a matter of "getting a new person", but a matter of getting YOUR OWN attitude, habits and self, right before adding someone else to the mix! As others have said, there are NO GUARANTEES that your relationship with the OM would last forever or turn into a marriage, therefore you not leaving because you don't know that or are trying to bet on that doesn't make sense, likewise you staying with your husband for no other reason than because you have no fall back plan reveals that you have some things to work out for yourself before even trying to be in a relationship with someone new...

 

You're right, you may regret leaving your marriage for the OM, not because he isn't trustworthy, but because you are the common denominator in your relationships and if a bulk of the problem lies with you and goes unfixed, then you'll most likely start having problems with him too.

Edited October 1, 2011 by MissBee

[y2k]

He's right, you were cake eating. Trying out another relationship aka affair on the side while still married, and only considering divore if he was 'the one'. If you want to divorce your husband, DO SO, reguardless of the OM!

 

I agree. She needs to divorce her husband.

 

It sounds like now you see that the grass isn't greener and you may not want to divorce anymore since things with the OM aren't great anymore.

 

She doesn't know this yet. I say she leave her husband to try this OM out. Maybe the OM really is the love of her life......maybe he's not. But I think she should leave her husband to find out.

 

Why would you stay married? you have no kids

 

Whether they had kids or not is irrelevant. The whole point here is that she doesn't love her husband. Therefore, children or no children, she should divorce him. The husband doesn't deserve this treatment, and maybe she really would be happier with this other guy.

 

I also want to ask the OP, what's the economic status of your husband compared to the OM??? Usually the reason women don't leave unhappy marriage is because of money. Those women end up miserable and live depressing lives.

[spice4life]

I also think that the OP needs to consider that leaving solely for someone else and not because she is unhappy, is a red flag. It is sign that the relationship she is leaving for will have issues from the start. It would scare me for sure! The person would need to show signs that they are confident with their decision before I could relax.

[CrazyMom]

This is something with MWomen that I will never get.

 

Just because you are scared of changes you suck it up and stay with hubbies making everyone around miserable ?

 

There are no guarantees in life. Either one takes a risk to be with the OM and enjoy-each other's love without sneaking around OR stay with your H and spend the rest of your life with what-if-s.

 

I am sure your spouses prefer you leave them rather than being 'hostage' of a wife that cheats behind their back and pines for an OM. Who wants that kind of life?

 

It's really hard to explain, and two months ago I wouldn't have understood either.

 

I guess the misery that H feels now seems to be less than he would feel if I left. So in my mind I'm trying to save him from more misery and hurt.

 

I am absolutely terrified about wondering "what if" for the rest of my life. As I'm sure OP is as well.

 

It all boils down to, we're worried about making the wrong decision and living with regret. However, there's no way to know which decision is right and which is wrong. So we just feel stuck.

[Yianks]

Very similar to my case "]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299265/ thank you East7.

 

It might come as a surprise but I know how this MW feels. However I also know how, we OM, feel as well. Please allow me to offer my perspective on both sides:

 

To the MW/MM:

 

Yes, we OM/OW are capable of loving the MW/MM much more than you think and we undergo pain more than you could possible imagine. We are not happy that the BS will be hurt nor do we like separating families therefore you should not view us as a ‘bad person’. However, we have the right to know if you do not have the power to leave the M so as to continue with our lives. Life goes on and will go on with or without you, believe it or not.

 

I know it’s not easy for this MW to leave a BS who has practically done nothing wrong except for being next to her, especially if she had no intention to do so before meeting the OM. However, BS do not deserve this and the sooner a MW/MM decides what to do, the better for all the people involved. It cannot drag on for a long time as the pain grows too. Just let the OM/OW go if after a few months you can’t make up your mind. To keep the OM/OW hanging, even though you know you will not divorce, is just a very selfish act and no one wants to be with this kind of person.

 

ParadiseNotes, your OM has left and returned many times and I know how insecure you feel about his actions. He should have gone for good, the first time he left you. It would have been better for both of you, believe me. Maybe that would have helped you make up your mind and he would have continued with his life, with or without you, earlier.

 

To us, OM/OW:

 

We have choices. Yes, read it again, we have choices. If we choose to stay despite our inner voice we are heading for a big trouble. The longer we choose to stay the deeper the pain. Remember at the beginning of the A everything was going well, no arguments, no fights, no hard feelings. What changed afterwards? Deeper feelings. Some of us OM/OW can’t handle these intense feelings that A offer and we become needy, clingy and (oh my god) we want a life together with our MW/MM. And we have every right to demand a better life; after all he/she loves us. True, but he/she might not want to be with us. The moment you feel this, get out and go indefinite NC regardless of the separation pain.

 

If you found yourself in the LS Community chances are you are in this kind of pain. If you are an OM please read the posts from OM (East7, etc) and you will realize how similar our stories and pain is.

Edited October 1, 2011 by Yianks

[phillyfan]

Dude u had 2 make a choice early on. U left it 2 long n now thngs r gettin destroyd. U had the chance to say i love u, i am leavin my husband 4 u, thn the OM wouldve been cool. But u waited 2 long. Now u mite hav damaged things too bad 2 save, tho tht is NOT the fault of the dude - he has the pascience of a freakin saint.

 

So take a gamble if u love him, make a big statement take the risk show him hes worth it, u mite b able 2 save it. Or stay with ur husband n stop torturin the poor freakin dude.