I will not be made a fool

[nkolod2]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We've broken up twice, once after a year and another time just last Thanksgiving time, because I have trust and jealousy issues, courtesy of my ex-boyfriend before this one. My current boyfriend has always been the best boyfriend I could ever ask for, and I understand why the way i act is unacceptable; he is not the last bf, he has never cheated on me and always tells me he loves me. However, at the end of summer he went to Las Vegas, and because I wanted to show him I had changed and I was working on my issues, I had no problems with him going. Before I would be crazy and make comments that show him I don't trust him while he's out there. But I didn't, I wished him a good time and truly wanted him to have fun. When he got back I asked him how it was (I've never been) and he said it was good. I asked him if he went out he said one night to a club (they spent 3 nights there). That seemed odd that he stayed in one night, so I specifically asked if he went to a strip club and he said yes, after I had asked him before is there anything you'd want to tell me that you know I'd want to know? I wasn't too mad about the fact that he didn't tell me right away. I laughed it off.

 

A week later I was in Chicago for a day Cubs game, and I was drinking and having a good time, texting my bf at his graduate school that I was having fun and wished he could be with me, but that I'd see him later that night for his friend's party. He texted he was going to Ikea and was just bumming around at his dorm. Later that night we go to the party, drink a little, and go back to his dorm. He is drunk-sleeping (you know, when your guy isnt wasted but just won't wake up) and I play with his phone. He always lets me randomly look at his messages and stuff, although I hadn't for a while. I see texts between him and one of his girl friends (who I've met and really like) and I figure out that they went to Ikea together, and went to his house to pick up a mini fridge he was letting her borrow. He failed to tell me this, especially when I asked who he went to Ikea with and he answered noone. I was pissed. I tried to wake him up to talk to him about it but he wouldn't, so I sat up until 5am wondering if he was just too scared to tell me thinking I'd freak, or if he was cheating on me. He finally wokeup and we talked it out and it was because hes afraid to tell me. I said it wouldn't be so bad if you told me straight up, I wouldn't like it at first because you never hangout with girls but it'd be better than this!

 

Now we are ok, I understand he didn't want me to blowup about it and thats why he lied, and he knows that if he lies one more time thats it. Last night was the first night he was out without me (after he had a test his friends all went out to eat then to a karaoke bar), and I was fine while he was texting me randomly, answering my questions about what he was doing, showing me that I can trust him. All of a sudden he stops texting which I figured could be because he was too drunk or because he was cheating, but I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wake up this morning and he had texted Sorry, I passed out. Ok, understandable, kind of bothers me because I think he drinks too much but whatever. I look on Facebook (the oh so evil Facebook) and see his friend posting on another friends wall that they left my bf on the couch. I'm thinking what...he didn't go home? he stayed at a friend's place on their couch? (two girls and one guy live there). So I text him and he tells me he got too wasted and his friends put him there because he was too drunk to take home to his dorm. I don't have a problem with him staying at the place of those friends, I trust them. But I keep wondering if he would have told me he didn't make it home if I didn't find out.

 

I am so mad right now because I find it hard to trust him again, especially after he lied to me before. He could lie to me again. I always have to find out before he can tell me what went down and that makes it seem like he was going to not tell me. Granted, he lied but never did anything wrong, but its still the fact that he lied to me that really crushes me...he never made mistakes before, he was always the closest thing to the perfect boyfriend a girl could ask for. What should I do? I am going to try and keep busy until I see him later tonight but my thoughts keep bringing me back and forth between "I should trust him, he just got drunk and I know how he gets and he didn't do anything just stayed on his friends' couch" to "he is lying again...he probably wouldn't of told you where he was because he knows you would be mad and he probably stayed in a girl's bed with her...". The latter thought is unhealthy I know. But sometimes it seems easier to believe. I don't want to be made a fool again.

 

=(

Edited September 30, 2011 by nkolod2

[KathyM]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We've broken up twice, once after a year and another time just last Thanksgiving time, because I have trust and jealousy issues, courtesy of my ex-boyfriend before this one. My current boyfriend has always been the best boyfriend I could ever ask for, and I understand why the way i act is unacceptable; he is not the last bf, he has never cheated on me and always tells me he loves me. However, at the end of summer he went to Las Vegas, and because I wanted to show him I had changed and I was working on my issues, I had no problems with him going. Before I would be crazy and make comments that show him I don't trust him while he's out there. But I didn't, I wished him a good time and truly wanted him to have fun. When he got back I asked him how it was (I've never been) and he said it was good. I asked him if he went out he said one night to a club (they spent 3 nights there). That seemed odd that he stayed in one night, so I specifically asked if he went to a strip club and he said yes, after I had asked him before is there anything you'd want to tell me that you know I'd want to know? I wasn't too mad about the fact that he didn't tell me right away. I laughed it off.

 

A week later I was in Chicago for a day Cubs game, and I was drinking and having a good time, texting my bf at his graduate school that I was having fun and wished he could be with me, but that I'd see him later that night for his friend's party. He texted he was going to Ikea and was just bumming around at his dorm. Later that night we go to the party, drink a little, and go back to his dorm. He is drunk-sleeping (you know, when your guy isnt wasted but just won't wake up) and I play with his phone. He always lets me randomly look at his messages and stuff, although I hadn't for a while. I see texts between him and one of his girl friends (who I've met and really like) and I figure out that they went to Ikea together, and went to his house to pick up a mini fridge he was letting her borrow. He failed to tell me this, especially when I asked who he went to Ikea with and he answered noone. I was pissed. I tried to wake him up to talk to him about it but he wouldn't, so I sat up until 5am wondering if he was just too scared to tell me thinking I'd freak, or if he was cheating on me. He finally wokeup and we talked it out and it was because hes afraid to tell me. I said it wouldn't be so bad if you told me straight up, I wouldn't like it at first because you never hangout with girls but it'd be better than this!

 

Now we are ok, I understand he didn't want me to blowup about it and thats why he lied, and he knows that if he lies one more time thats it. Last night was the first night he was out without me (after he had a test his friends all went out to eat then to a karaoke bar), and I was fine while he was texting me randomly, answering my questions about what he was doing, showing me that I can trust him. All of a sudden he stops texting which I figured could be because he was too drunk or because he was cheating, but I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wake up this morning and he had texted Sorry, I passed out. Ok, understandable, kind of bothers me because I think he drinks too much but whatever. I look on Facebook (the oh so evil Facebook) and see his friend posting on another friends wall that they left my bf on the couch. I'm thinking what...he didn't go home? he stayed at a friend's place on their couch? (two girls and one guy live there). So I text him and he tells me he got too wasted and his friends put him there because he was too drunk to take home to his dorm. I don't have a problem with him staying at the place of those friends, I trust them. But I keep wondering if he would have told me he didn't make it home if I didn't find out.

 

I am so mad right now because I find it hard to trust him again, especially after he lied to me before. He could lie to me again. I always have to find out before he can tell me what went down and that makes it seem like he was going to not tell me. Granted, he lied but never did anything wrong, but its still the fact that he lied to me that really crushes me...he never made mistakes before, he was always the closest thing to the perfect boyfriend a girl could ask for. What should I do? I am going to try and keep busy until I see him later tonight but my thoughts keep bringing me back and forth between "I should trust him, he just got drunk and I know how he gets and he didn't do anything just stayed on his friends' couch" to "he is lying again...he probably wouldn't of told you where he was because he knows you would be mad and he probably stayed in a girl's bed with her...". The latter thought is unhealthy I know. But sometimes it seems easier to believe. I don't want to be made a fool again.

 

=(

I think your bf has a drinking problem. People do dumb/destructive things when they've been drinking too much. That, to me, would be a deal breaker right there. Apart from that, I would advise that in whatever relationship you get into now or in the future, don't act like the guy is not trustworthy. It's likely to become a self fulfilling proficy or likely to end the relationship. You are supposed to believe he is trustworthy and act accordingly unless you are getting clear red flags that he can't be trusted. Don't question him so much or ask for an accounting of every minute of his day, or why he isn't in constant contact with you. If he thinks you don't trust him, he is more inclined to be untrustworthy. People tend to act in a way that is expected of them. Just like with a child. If you give him the message that he is bad, he will act bad, because that is what your expectations are. If you expect the bf to be trustworthy and act like he is trustworthy from the start, he will aspire to live up to your expectations. That is what I have read. It is only if there are red flags that would indicate a problem that you should start to question him. Don't let your past bf to hurt your future relationships. You should try to develop the mindset that men can be trusted. Many men are trustworthy. You are assuming or fearful that he is guilty of something right from the start, and that will be a sure death sentence for any relationship you try to have. Clinginess and suspiciousness are not attractive qualities. Don't sabatoge your relationships without cause. And if there are boundary issues that need to be addressed in your relationship, then set the boundaries. No going out to bars without you. Drop contact with old flames. No flirting with others. That kind of thing.

[Keke1]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We've broken up twice, once after a year and another time just last Thanksgiving time, because I have trust and jealousy issues, courtesy of my ex-boyfriend before this one. My current boyfriend has always been the best boyfriend I could ever ask for, and I understand why the way i act is unacceptable; he is not the last bf, he has never cheated on me and always tells me he loves me. However, at the end of summer he went to Las Vegas, and because I wanted to show him I had changed and I was working on my issues, I had no problems with him going. Before I would be crazy and make comments that show him I don't trust him while he's out there. But I didn't, I wished him a good time and truly wanted him to have fun. When he got back I asked him how it was (I've never been) and he said it was good. I asked him if he went out he said one night to a club (they spent 3 nights there). That seemed odd that he stayed in one night, so I specifically asked if he went to a strip club and he said yes, after I had asked him before is there anything you'd want to tell me that you know I'd want to know? I wasn't too mad about the fact that he didn't tell me right away. I laughed it off.

 

A week later I was in Chicago for a day Cubs game, and I was drinking and having a good time, texting my bf at his graduate school that I was having fun and wished he could be with me, but that I'd see him later that night for his friend's party. He texted he was going to Ikea and was just bumming around at his dorm. Later that night we go to the party, drink a little, and go back to his dorm. He is drunk-sleeping (you know, when your guy isnt wasted but just won't wake up) and I play with his phone. He always lets me randomly look at his messages and stuff, although I hadn't for a while. I see texts between him and one of his girl friends (who I've met and really like) and I figure out that they went to Ikea together, and went to his house to pick up a mini fridge he was letting her borrow. He failed to tell me this, especially when I asked who he went to Ikea with and he answered noone. I was pissed. I tried to wake him up to talk to him about it but he wouldn't, so I sat up until 5am wondering if he was just too scared to tell me thinking I'd freak, or if he was cheating on me. He finally wokeup and we talked it out and it was because hes afraid to tell me. I said it wouldn't be so bad if you told me straight up, I wouldn't like it at first because you never hangout with girls but it'd be better than this!

 

Now we are ok, I understand he didn't want me to blowup about it and thats why he lied, and he knows that if he lies one more time thats it. Last night was the first night he was out without me (after he had a test his friends all went out to eat then to a karaoke bar), and I was fine while he was texting me randomly, answering my questions about what he was doing, showing me that I can trust him. All of a sudden he stops texting which I figured could be because he was too drunk or because he was cheating, but I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wake up this morning and he had texted Sorry, I passed out. Ok, understandable, kind of bothers me because I think he drinks too much but whatever. I look on Facebook (the oh so evil Facebook) and see his friend posting on another friends wall that they left my bf on the couch. I'm thinking what...he didn't go home? he stayed at a friend's place on their couch? (two girls and one guy live there). So I text him and he tells me he got too wasted and his friends put him there because he was too drunk to take home to his dorm. I don't have a problem with him staying at the place of those friends, I trust them. But I keep wondering if he would have told me he didn't make it home if I didn't find out.

 

I am so mad right now because I find it hard to trust him again, especially after he lied to me before. He could lie to me again. I always have to find out before he can tell me what went down and that makes it seem like he was going to not tell me. Granted, he lied but never did anything wrong, but its still the fact that he lied to me that really crushes me...he never made mistakes before, he was always the closest thing to the perfect boyfriend a girl could ask for. What should I do? I am going to try and keep busy until I see him later tonight but my thoughts keep bringing me back and forth between "I should trust him, he just got drunk and I know how he gets and he didn't do anything just stayed on his friends' couch" to "he is lying again...he probably wouldn't of told you where he was because he knows you would be mad and he probably stayed in a girl's bed with her...". The latter thought is unhealthy I know. But sometimes it seems easier to believe. I don't want to be made a fool again.

 

=(

This is easy you don't trust him. Why are you texting him while he is out with his friends? Then wonder why he stopped texting you while he is trying to chill. You went through his phone to look for something. You knew he wouldn't wake up. You grill him as soon as he gets back from Vegas. You will never trust him fully. You will keep saying you do but won't. I suggest take a break and work on yourself.