My wife has no desire to have sex

[Jon Morris]

My wife and I have been married 11 years. Back in march, we had a seperation which I spoke about in depth on the seperation forum. We seperated against my wishes which led to her having a short affair with a customer from her store. After a couple of weeks we had a reconcilliation and the stipulations of which were that she cut off all contact with this man. She quit her job, changed her phone number, everything. I have monitored the situation very closely and there is really no way she could have had any contact with this guy.

 

She revealed to m last friday that she literally has no desire to have sex with me. She says that she's been feeling this way for a long time (several years) and that she has to force herself to get in the mood. She says that she loves me and loves being with me, but that it is more like best friends with kids than lovers. The only thing is is that she has orgasms on a regular basis when we do have sex and she seems to enjoy sex immensely while were having it. It is just she has no desire whatsoever to get in the mood. She then went on to say that she would be ok just never having sex again. This bothers me alot because she is a beautiful 29 year old woman and is very sexy and I am literally in the mood for sex all of the time.

 

My question is, is this normal, common, or what? I love my wife so much and went through a tremendus amount of personal pain and stress during those two weeks in late march/early april and I do not want to go through that again. She is the only woman I've ever truly loved and I want to be with her for the rest of my life.

 

Another tidbit she told me is that she thinks I'm too "clingy". That I want to hug, kiss, and hold her hand too much. Could this be one of the problems? I've also heard that anemia can play a part in a woman loseing her desire for sex. My wife already has "tired blood" or blood with low iron content, but she also has heavy flowing periods that last a week or more. Could this be a possible cause?

 

I ordered a book for her off of Amazon a couple of days ago called "Taking Back Sexy (the cure for the sexual blahs)". It was written by a couples therapist named Jean Campbell who is located here in town. Could anyone tell me if this is a good book?

 

I appreciate any advice I can get.

[KathyM]

My wife and I have been married 11 years. Back in march, we had a seperation which I spoke about in depth on the seperation forum. We seperated against my wishes which led to her having a short affair with a customer from her store. After a couple of weeks we had a reconcilliation and the stipulations of which were that she cut off all contact with this man. She quit her job, changed her phone number, everything. I have monitored the situation very closely and there is really no way she could have had any contact with this guy.

 

She revealed to m last friday that she literally has no desire to have sex with me. She says that she's been feeling this way for a long time (several years) and that she has to force herself to get in the mood. She says that she loves me and loves being with me, but that it is more like best friends with kids than lovers. The only thing is is that she has orgasms on a regular basis when we do have sex and she seems to enjoy sex immensely while were having it. It is just she has no desire whatsoever to get in the mood. She then went on to say that she would be ok just never having sex again. This bothers me alot because she is a beautiful 29 year old woman and is very sexy and I am literally in the mood for sex all of the time.

 

My question is, is this normal, common, or what? I love my wife so much and went through a tremendus amount of personal pain and stress during those two weeks in late march/early april and I do not want to go through that again. She is the only woman I've ever truly loved and I want to be with her for the rest of my life.

 

Another tidbit she told me is that she thinks I'm too "clingy". That I want to hug, kiss, and hold her hand too much. Could this be one of the problems? I've also heard that anemia can play a part in a woman loseing her desire for sex. My wife already has "tired blood" or blood with low iron content, but she also has heavy flowing periods that last a week or more. Could this be a possible cause?

 

I ordered a book for her off of Amazon a couple of days ago called "Taking Back Sexy (the cure for the sexual blahs)". It was written by a couples therapist named Jean Campbell who is located here in town. Could anyone tell me if this is a good book?

 

I appreciate any advice I can get.

I've never heard of the book, so I can't comment on that. I will say that, normally, showing affection in other ways than sex actually leads to sex. I've never heard of the concept that showing too much affection is a turn off for people. I would suggest asking her what types of affection she likes from you. Also, if you are the clingy type, always following her around, in her face, not giving her any space, etc., she may actually get annoyed with you, so I would recommend giving her some space, but find out what types of affection would be welcomed by her. It's also possible that the short-term affair she had caused her to turn off of sex with you. I have been told by a woman who has had an affair that once she had it with this other guy, who was a better lover and better looking than her husband, she lost all desire for sex with her husband. I'm sorry, but that may be what is happening in your case. She may not want to be touched because she is still mentally caught up in the thoughts of the other man touching her, and it's going to take some time to rebuild those feelings with you. So I guess my recommendation would be to give it some time for her sexual feelings for you to return, continue to give her affection in doses and ways that she would agree to after you find out from talking to her what she would accept/prefer. Don't be too clingy and in her face all the time--give her space. Improve your sexual repertoire (read up on new ways you could turn her on and new techniques in the bedroom). And work on rebuilding your emotional connection by dating your wife, doing fun and interesting things together, and talking about subjects that you are both interested in. Rebuild the connection. It will take a while, but be patient, and continue to work on it. Also, see that she gets those iron pills so that won't be an issue. Also, if you have let yourself go physically in any way, now would be a good time to improve your appearance in any way you can, improve your look, take some effort to dress and look your best and smell your best. Also, you may want to look into buying some Axe (men's cologne and body care line). There is something in the scent that supposedly turns women on. My husband sometimes uses it, and there is some truth to that.

[Quiet Storm]

The only thing is is that she has orgasms on a regular basis when we do have sex and she seems to enjoy sex immensely while were having it.

 

This is a common problem for many women in long term relationships.

 

Men have a hard time understanding why women would not want something that makes them feel so good.

 

The best way to explain it is that many women do not have that burning physical need for sex, like a lot of men do. Sex is fun when it happens, but it is not a necessity or even a priority. It can become like a chore, even though there is a reward (an O) at the end.

 

The only way I can think to describe it is this. Say a woman loves chocolate cake. She loves the taste of it, the smell of it...but it takes a lot of time to mix the ingredients and bake that cake.

 

Many women would skip the chocolate cake because it just isn't worth the effort.

 

Many women think of sex like that, not a need...but an extra.

 

So when you are busy, and you have a running list in your head of all the things you have to do, sex gets skipped because it's not a big priority to begin with. It's just something else that takes time and effort to do.

 

In many marriages, sex becomes kind of boring an predictible...the same positions, doing things every time in the same order, the same place..time after time. So even if you have an O, the method of getting there was not very exciting. Men are very goal focused (they want that O), but women like the journey and the adventure of sex- just as much (or if not more) as the O.

 

Excitement, anticpation, the feeling of not knowing what your man is going to do to you next...these are things that make sex great for women. That's the kind of sex that women look forward to and make time for.

 

If mixing it up doesn't help, she may just not be attracted to you anymore. This would explain why she doesn't want you to be affectionate with her. She thinks affection will lead to sex, and if she doesn't want it, your affection will feel like pressure to her.

 

Even though she may not be in contact with the OM, he may be living in her thoughts. If she felt like she bonded with him sexually, sex with you will feel wrong and she will avoid it.

[StoneCold]

My wife and I have been married 11 years. Back in march, we had a seperation which I spoke about in depth on the seperation forum. We seperated against my wishes which led to her having a short affair with a customer from her store. After a couple of weeks we had a reconcilliation and the stipulations of which were that she cut off all contact with this man. She quit her job, changed her phone number, everything. I have monitored the situation very closely and there is really no way she could have had any contact with this guy.

 

She revealed to m last friday that she literally has no desire to have sex with me. She says that she's been feeling this way for a long time (several years) and that she has to force herself to get in the mood. She says that she loves me and loves being with me, but that it is more like best friends with kids than lovers. The only thing is is that she has orgasms on a regular basis when we do have sex and she seems to enjoy sex immensely while were having it. It is just she has no desire whatsoever to get in the mood. She then went on to say that she would be ok just never having sex again. This bothers me alot because she is a beautiful 29 year old woman and is very sexy and I am literally in the mood for sex all of the time.

 

My question is, is this normal, common, or what? I love my wife so much and went through a tremendus amount of personal pain and stress during those two weeks in late march/early april and I do not want to go through that again. She is the only woman I've ever truly loved and I want to be with her for the rest of my life.

 

Another tidbit she told me is that she thinks I'm too "clingy". That I want to hug, kiss, and hold her hand too much. Could this be one of the problems? I've also heard that anemia can play a part in a woman loseing her desire for sex. My wife already has "tired blood" or blood with low iron content, but she also has heavy flowing periods that last a week or more. Could this be a possible cause?

 

I ordered a book for her off of Amazon a couple of days ago called "Taking Back Sexy (the cure for the sexual blahs)". It was written by a couples therapist named Jean Campbell who is located here in town. Could anyone tell me if this is a good book?

 

I appreciate any advice I can get.

 

 

So she would be open to you having an open marriage? Becasue all I see here is her needs being met with a complete disregard for yours...

 

You speak of Anemia...well its possible to have an effect...anything is possible. But I'm assuming she was always anemic..no? and I'm sure she always got periods right? she wasnt like that before right?...and she had an affair recently correct? dude Anemia has nothing to do with it...she just isnt attracted to you sexually....likely that what she is attracted to is the security you bring to the table. And if thats the case you are the "sensible" decision that never really works out in the end

 

Stand up for yourself here... If shes not open to an open marriage her choices are....

 

1) Leave

2) Get open to an oepn marriage

3) Change

4) Brace for impact....because how long do you think you can keep that up? You'll either leave on your terms, take your frustration out on her somehow or cheat

Edited September 30, 2011 by StoneCold

[norajane]

So even if you have an O, the method of getting there was not very exciting. Men are very goal focused (they want that O), but women like the journey and the adventure of sex- just as much (or if not more) as the O.

 

Yes, this.

 

Can you find out what her turn-ons are? Sex starts in the mind, long before any clothes come off. If her mind is not turned on, she's not thinking about sex, and her body isn't hungry for it.

 

What are her sexual fantasies? Have you ever talked about them?

 

Does she masturbate? What does she think about when she does? THOSE are her turn-ons, the ones that will get her temperature to rise and heart beat fast just THINKING about sex.

[StoneCold]

Its nice tha many of you are giving advice on how to try to work her over.... but my advice to the OP is dont get your hopes up too high if you decide to try this..

 

She said shes not interested in having sex with you ever again...thats a very strong statement to make to your spouse. How do you come back from that? Its almost like someone saying "I hate you"(I'm not saying its the same but as far as the magnitude of feelings and events transpired that would inspire someone to make such a strong statement...its very similar)...how do you come back from that? you typically don't

 

But odder things have happened

[xxoo]

If mixing it up doesn't help, she may just not be attracted to you anymore. This would explain why she doesn't want you to be affectionate with her. She thinks affection will lead to sex, and if she doesn't want it, your affection will feel like pressure to her..

 

Sorry to say, this is probably the case. Especially since she had an affair--it obviously isn't a matter of her wanting sex, but rather a matter of her wanting sex with you

 

Why that has happened and if there is any hope of fixing it, we really can not tell. It would probably take some sort of shift inside her, and maybe a shift in your relationship, for that to happen.

 

If there haven't been any issues in your marriage, then this may just be something that she is dealing with (a midlife crisis type thing). When life is mildly disappointing and stressful, it can be easy to believe the grass is greener elsewhere.

[ShatteredReality]

She already told you the problem. She sees you as a glorified roommate. She's not attracted to you right now. She was, once, but she's not right now. If you can find a way to get that back you might have a chance of getting the sex back.

[Linda9999]

There's a book about the Five Love Languages that's pretty good. Maybe if you can figure out your wife's love language it would help.

 

I went through a period where I was actually repulsed by my husband and the though of sex with him was gross most of the time. However I have a high sex drive and after a couple of weeks my desire for sex would outweigh my non-desire for him and we'd have at er. That was a very low point in our marriage - he was cheating at the time although I didn't know it - and since we've reconciled things have been a thousand times better. My attitude toward him has completely changed. So it can happen.

[StoneCold]

There's a book about the Five Love Languages that's pretty good. Maybe if you can figure out your wife's love language it would help.

 

I went through a period where I was actually repulsed by my husband and the though of sex with him was gross most of the time. However I have a high sex drive and after a couple of weeks my desire for sex would outweigh my non-desire for him and we'd have at er. That was a very low point in our marriage - he was cheating at the time although I didn't know it - and since we've reconciled things have been a thousand times better. My attitude toward him has completely changed. So it can happen.

 

What in the sam hell did you do to go from repulsed to attracted again???

 

I thought once a woman gets to that point its a "death sentence"

[mrspeak]

She already told you the problem. She sees you as a glorified roommate. She's not attracted to you right now. She was, once, but she's not right now. If you can find a way to get that back you might have a chance of getting the sex back.

 

----

 

I somewhat agree here. I've been on both sides of the fence of affairs. You have to put aside the emotional hurt and anger and look at the situation objectively. Love & sex aren't both intertwined for some people. Some people can be in love with their spouse and still desire sex with others. You need to find out if she still loves you by romancing her a little bit. Bring flowers when she's not expecting it, send her a nice love note, take her out for a nice date, see how she responds and if she still loves you. The sex part might just be for a simple reason, out of boredom, or just lacking that spark. One way to test this is you need to spend some time apart, to give her some space. See if she asks about what you're doing and shows interest. Maybe go out with some friends and see what her response is. Try a new hobby. Sometimes a little curiosity can go a long way to seeing your partner in a different light other than just the everyday roomates situation. There needs to be more spark (hence the affair) and hopefully you can find out what will trigger it and once it's triggered you will get that desire back. Don't take it too personally though it might not have anything to do with you. And I don't think the anemia has much to do with it, I have experienced that and it doesn't cause problems for me.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and really don't know what to say.... You're only 29, separate and enjoy life.

 

To be told something so hateful and nasty basically is something she will hold over you and you can't do anything about it except call her bluff.

 

The future doesn't bode well imo.

[giotto]

if my wife told me that categorically, I would be out of the door...

[Try]

She already told you the problem. She sees you as a glorified roommate. She's not attracted to you right now.

This is the truth you do not want to hear. She may love you (not sure) but she is definitely not in love with you anymore.

 

The recent affair proved that she still desires sex but just not with you. The fact That she left on her terms and you let her come back so easily on her terms is leading her not to respect you as a man. Hard for a woman to desire someone that she does not respect. She is using you right now to help pay the bills. Unless the dynamics change, when she is ready she will leave you again on her terms.

 

No where do you tell us how sorry she was to have left you so that she could be with the other man. No where do you discuss where she has shown you true remorse. There were no consequences for her unfaithful actions.

 

Your best bet to earn her respect may be for you to stop acting like you desire her, and that for you tell her that you cannot get over what she did to you. You should file for divorce and move out. Filing is not the same as actually divorcing since there will be plenty of time for her to show remorse if she want to get you back. It is a gamble for sure, but less of a gamble than you are taking now. You think that you are playing it safe right now but you are not. There is no way to save your marriage by not making a big move to shake things up.

[Feelin Frisky]

Sorry jon, but you are in a no win situation. The only slim hope is to somehow get her to want you and nothing in the short term will make that happen. The more you press, the more resolute she will feel. She has gone cold on you. The only thing left if for you to change who she think you are. This can mean leaving her alone, leave her altogether, or making her jealous. Can you stand all those games and then finding out they fail anyway?

 

At bare minimum, she needs to be shown a less clingy you. Try to give her a lot of space.

[Linda9999]

What in the sam hell did you do to go from repulsed to attracted again???

 

I thought once a woman gets to that point its a "death sentence"

 

I am not entirely sure. He cheated, I kicked him out and didn't see him for a few months, then when I did it was there. I wanted to jump him right in the lobby of the building where we had our first MC session. I had been thru IC in the meantime too and found out I did want to work it out with him.

 

He has also changed A LOT through the whole sordid mess.

[RiverRunning]

I am going through something similar, actually. I will have sex with my boyfriend but besides that I never feel desire for him until he starts making a move on me. In my situation, that was caused by long-term sexual rejection from him (I think).

 

Do you show affection for your wife in non-sexual ways? Do you cuddle up together while you watch TV, talk to her about how her day was, help her out with child care, give her a massage, make dinner for her, handle some of the housework, or just walk up to her to hug her or kiss her? Spontaneous displays of affection or assistance can really start to change her opinion of you.

 

Her periods sound like they need attention. Is she on birth control pills? They might be able to help regulate her periods. A vitamin fortified with iron can also help out with the anemia (possibly).

 

Did she recently give birth to one of your children? This could be the result of postpartum depression. It's also not uncommon for a woman pushing a big landmark (turning 30) to start questioning her life and choice of partner. Not surprisingly, it's not unheard of that a woman pushing 30 would have an affair.

 

I just don't believe that she's lost all passion. She was sleeping with an old customer, right? So clearly, physically, nothing is wrong. But a spark is gone here. And I think couples' counseling is probably in order.