what will yo do if you know your spouse is masturbating in the other room?

[abhi]

my husband is a good man..he has a habit watching porn..our sex life is good..

sometimes in the middle of the night he wakes up for various reasons like piss or hunger and that time he stays up watches porn and pleasures himself..sometimes i also wake up and when i realize he is doing it it hurts a lot..if i have my periods i try to go back to sleep..but if not my heart beat just jumps up and then i also wake up both of us sit and watch some tv and we go back to sleep..sometimes he gets irritated that is too wake up withhim..natural i understand but i just cant sleep when he is awake even though if he is watching some innocent stuff on tv...

just the thought of your partner pleasuring themselves in the other room is so hurting...i get so scared..i feel like crying..i have lost my sleep..i have talked to him about this and try to give him space and time...but if i speak to him again we will end up having a major fight..and i do not want that...but just imagine you know your spouse is doing it in the other room watching porn..how can anyone take it? how should i take it?what should i do?

[january2011]

How is your sex life otherwise? What did he say when you spoke to him about the situation?

[StoneCold]

What does "our sex life is good" mean to you? Because good to you may be inadequate to him.... Does he agree that the sex lide is good?.

[ShatteredReality]

Honestly - I think men and women take the whole sex thing from different angles. My H never stopped masturbating - though we discuss it relatively openly and he admits he truly prefers to do it with me 'helping' him (kissing his neck, caressing him, nipple play etc). So there is something about that for some men. Also, my H has a porn addiction. Again, it's something we discuss openly. I know it's not because he doesn't love me or want me...I recognize it for the addiction that it is. Likely your H is addicted also.

 

But honestly, you need to talk to him about this openly - discuss if there is anything lacking in the bedroom, anything you need to do differently. He's not watching that stuff because he doesn't love you or wants to hurt you.

 

Along those lines...my H bought me a toy recently. I have never owned one before...it was a crazy kind of gift! Well I asked him when am I supposed to use it and he said whenever...he said if I feel like it just to come back to the bedroom and use it and if he happens in he'll either help me or leave and let me finish up!

 

So. Like I said. Men may just operate differently here than we women.

[xxoo]

..but if i speak to him again we will end up having a major fight..and i do not want that...but just imagine you know your spouse is doing it in the other room watching porn..how can anyone take it? how should i take it?what should i do?

 

Why would you have a major fight?

 

What bothers you about the situation? Is it the porn, or the masturbation?

 

My H and I both feel that masturbation is normal, married or not, and porn is fun in moderation. If I woke to this situation, I'd either leave him be or ask if he wants some company, depending on my mood. He'd do the same if he woke up to find me.

 

Would you consider offering to watch porn with him? Take some of the fear out of it by experiencing it with him, and being part of the fun.

[Afishwithabike]

You said you're scared. Why are you scared?

 

Honestly, it wouldn't bother me if my husband had some private time in other room. I expect he does. Most men that I've known do and those who say they don't are probably being dishonest. I don't mind if he watches porn as long it's in moderation and so long as it's straight porn; none of the illegal stuff (kiddie, animals, non-consent, snuff).

Edited October 1, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[reboot]

Most married men do, at least occasionally, and (oh my gosh should I say this out loud?) many married women do too. If your sex life is fine otherwise (as you say in your OP), what's the big deal?

[NervisPervis]

I'll channel my wife here:

 

"I would thank GOD it's another night of him not touching me"

[Baroness67]

Never has bothered me, not even during dating years.

 

I know that others might take it personally, but I don't.

[denise_xo]

My ex masturbated in the room next to me all the time, especially on weekday mornings when we didn't really have time to get busy together and he needed a quick release. We generally had a healthy sex life.

 

What exactly is it that bothers you about it? Do you feel rejected?

Why don't you like him to be awake while you are sleeping?

What kind of conversations have you had about it?

[Paper Roses]

I've heard my friends get upset over this very same thing. Why does it upset you so much? Do you feel threatened by the women in the movies? It's not personal at all.

 

I'm newly seperated and sex was not our problem. I bought him memberships to a couple of sites that we'd enjoy together. I think you should maybe put some porn on next time you and he gets busy.

 

Unless he's completely consumed by watching porn and totally ignoring you to watch it. Then there's a problem, but I'm no expert, I'm just an insomniac throwing my 2 cents around online.

[mzdolphin]

This sound very similar to a problem I had with my ex husband. It started with masturbating in the other room, me finding out he was really into porn and then ultimately me finding out he was a sex addict. He was having sex with all types of people, like Tiger Woods. Scary.

 

Guys watching porn is now big deal. You know what they say, there are two types of men: Men who like porn and men who really, really, really, like porn. The second have issues. The lack of respect and self control is a bigger deal.

 

We seemed to have a healthy sex life, but what came out later in counseling was that he craved a totally different lifestyle and nothing I could offer him was going to satisfy his appetite. (he was into bondage, dominatrix and all that stuff. I was not).

 

We have been divorced for eight years. In that short time he's remarried, divorced and had two different live-in girlfriends and is still searching.

 

Not saying your guy is an addict, but I'd be worried if he can't seem to control himself.

[RiverRunning]

I masturbate (not as much as I used to) and my boyfriend still does. It's a physical desire to get pleasure. I would be a fool to think he's not turned on by other womens' bodies...as he would be a fool to think I wouldn't be turned on by other mens' bodies. But it's purely lust - that's not like what he has for me. I am the only woman he LOVES, and often love and lust can get confused when it comes to sexual matters. Your husband doesn't love those women - he loves you. You say your sex life is good, so clearly this hasn't affected you in the bedroom.

 

If it were affecting your sex life, I'd suggest that this is a porn addiction on his end - but it doesn't sound that way. Your husband is watching a fantasy when he watches porn. Haveyou tried watching porn yourself? Maybe while he's gone one day, take the opportunity to try it out. Consider it your 'bath with candles' time. Find a video, get some toys to play with, and see how the experience feels to you. Your sexual response to the men onscreen don't detract from how you feel for your husband - and I am sure it's the same way for him.

 

There are insecurities underlying your fear about him watching porn. Is it that you feel you can't stand up to the porn stars? Do you feel your sex life isn't exciting enough to hold his interest? There are plenty of sites with new positions to try online...and all kinds of toys from sex shops you can order. I bet if you felt more secure in those areas, you would find yourself smiling at the thought of him getting off.

[curiousnelly]

There is nothing wrong with masturbating when your partner is not in the mood or asleep. The way I see it, the only way it would be an issue was if he chose masturbation over sex.

 

I think the important question here is why does it upset you that he masturbates at night?

[EmotionalStability]

Many people seem mystified when a married man masturbates. There is no mystery; there is only lack of communication. If your sex life is good, then your husband clearly enjoys having sex with you. You are very fortunate that he desires you and wants that emotional and physical bond with you, and he is equally fortunate. A person once told me that for a marriage to last there are two requirements: 1. the couple must agree on sex. It is such a big deal, that if they are not on the same page sexually, that problem is intractable. 2. They must have one other thing that they both enjoy, and can enjoy together and bond over. I think this framework is generally in the right direction. However, love, true love, the love that makes you get married and stay married, requires a willingness to share with your spouse unequivocally. What's yours is theirs---unequivocally, everything, every aspect, every up, every down, every sideways. This is the "stand by your man" aspect of marriage, and it is the "stand by your woman" aspect of marriage, too. There is no bigger two-way street than marriage. So add that to my friend's framework, and I think you have a good framework for a good marriage. The devil is in the details. Working it out requires work. And if the work is fun, the marriage is fun, and will last. If the work is work, it is work, and we all hate extra work, and it won't last. But if you love someone, and are willing to share everything with them, the work will be fun, and you will just be having fun with your spouse and it will work of its own accord, just because the required effort is fun. Don't get lazy. Keep working and keep it fun.

 

abhi, I know how you feel, as do many many members of this forum. This is a common problem. Not masturbation, that is not the problem. Get out of bed, Girl, and go share with him. He wants you. I know he does---you said your sex life is great. When he's masturbating, he wants you in a different setting. Men fantasize, men day dream. That does not mean you are inadequate. That *may* mean he is insecure about fantasizing with you. Put an end to that nonsense. Enable him to fantasize (safely) with you, and in front of you, and with your help. I've never known any man who would not enjoy masturbating while his partner tickled his balls and the area where his scrotum meets his pelvis. Those hairs are particularly sensitive, and your attention to his sack and his bush will take him places he can't get to alone.

 

If you are OK with oral sex (NOT A REQUIREMENT), go down on him while he watches his porn. (By the way, porn is a derogatory term, and we should call it erotica because it takes it out of the gutter and treats it like an enjoyable sexual tool, which is exactly what it is or can be.) If you are not down with BJs, give him a sensitive hand job, either with or without lube. I know men who enjoy it both ways, and women who can give hand jobs in a very satisfactory manner without lube. Anyway, I am confident that he will be very down with you engaging him to enhance his experience. Erotica will only take a person so far. Eventually, stable people need the emotional connection for total sexual fulfillment.

 

Sometimes erotica will interfere with a marriage or relationship. This I do not deny. A healthy partner in a strong relationship that includes good sex (like yours) will prefer his/her partner or the involvement of his/her partner.

 

But you describe a generally healthy case, abhi, so I think you should go right in there when he's masturbating. This may surprise and embarrass him, and he may try to quickly get his package back in his undies or pull up his pants, whatever. Do not hesitate. You're not there to cock-block, you're there to help. Tell him you want to help! And then help! Get right in there, and let him watch what he's watching, let him relax, and you take care of getting him to orgasm. He will be in heaven, and you will have taken him there. Will he want you to do this again? Yes, he will. If you're not game for this for the long haul, don't start and mislead him. But I think you can draw him away from the erotica, and to you by helping him share his desires with you and being the person who satisfies his desires, rather than him thinking he needs erotica to satisfy those desires. Erotica can be a tool to get us where we need to go sexually. Take away his need for the erotica by being the person that gets him where he needs to go sexually.

 

Then, because marital sharing is a fundamental component and a two-way street of marriage, he will be eager to do the same for you, if he believes the core values of marriage as I've set them out.

 

Good luck.

[Green Light]

I would be thrilled to know that my wife was masturbating in the other room because it would mean that she still had a sex drive...and a soul.

[Sparty97]

Honestly, this is kind of offensive. What is the problem with him touching his own body? Do you own him?

[Afishwithabike]

I wonder if the OP is a troll. She hasn't come back to post again.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

what will yo do if you know your spouse is masturbating in the other room?

 

 

That depends entirely on gender combinations:

 

 

If you are a female, and your spouse is a male, you will sit there, self-critical, imagining every little 18yo honey pot on the page seeming far superior to you in every single possible way he could think of, and 8 million additional ways that you could add, which he'd never even imagine. Then you will brood about it for some staggeringly eternal period of time, while your reactions serve only to drive him more toward the porn and further away from you, which is the exact opposite of the wishes you state in every online outlet you have.

 

 

If you are a male, and your spouse is a female, you will excite yourself at the very thought of it crossing your mind, and then you will sneak nearer to the door (which will most likely be locked in this scenario) while still making yourself feel closer to her and with proportionately increased arousal. The mere idea/fantasy of her being comfortable enough with herself to jill-off there, even though she may not YET - (and that's the word to which your hopes cling!) be willing to do so before your eyes, enhances your arousal, often so much so that you yourself evolve to take matters into your own hands. It doesn't help that you think you hear soft cooing from within the bedroom, when in fact it is merely pigeons cooing under the eaves of your house.

 

If you are a male, and your spouse is a male, you may yawn and draw the blankets on the couch over you, with the small, small possibility you'll need to ask him loudly to keep it down a little in there.

 

 

If you are female, and your spouse is female, you'll be sitting and not lying on the couch, and you'll be clutching a cup of coffee or hot cocoa whilst watching an interesting movie. You probably won't get up or be drawn to the activity happening in the next room, but you won't react in counterproductive fashion either, knowing full well that your spouse will soon leave her boudoir and go first to the bathroom, then to the kitchen, before returning to sit herself at your side with her own warm beverage. Beyond that point you will watch TV in perfect harmony for the rest of the evening before retiring to a good night's slumber.

 

 

 

*** of course some of this is purely fictional in most of the 50 United States