ffw Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 (edited) Hello everyone, Today I was analyzing my recent break up. What I learned & what went wrong. This was my first long committed relationship & lasted for 4 & 1/2 years. Before this, I got into one more relationship but that was a short one. In both the cases, I saw the red flags at one point of time but I continued hoping with time it will be alright & we can overcome it. Also, personally its very hard for me to break a girls heart. In the second relationship, we almost got a mutual break up but then I told her lets continue & we can make it. What happened? Well, as the time passed by the other party saw the same red flag & broke up with me. As a result, I became dumpee in both the cases & joined LS I was discussing with my friend other day & he told me he never got dumped. Whenever, he saw a red flag he immediately end up the relationship. In other words, he never went through the pain a dumpee goes through. Botoom line, ITS BETTER TO BE A DUMPER THAN A DUMPEE. Any suggestions? Edited October 1, 2011 by ffw Link to post Share on other sites
Buttercup84 Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 It depends . Sometimes dumpers dump as their partner is abusive , mean or just a tool . And they still love the dunpee but are sick of the bad treatment . As a dumpee you have to deal with it all alone , and suddenly . The dumper knee they will end things and had time to detach themselves and get a head start . But dumpers do not stay single for long , and that can't be healthy . As a dumpee I want to stay alone and reflect. Link to post Share on other sites
mike588 Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 In some cases it is not better to be a dumper than a dumpee. What if the dumper left due to unrequited love and lack of commitment from the dumpee? What if the dumper got tired of the dumpee not making an effort to spend time with them? In those cases the dumper might end a relationship in spite of still having strong feelings for the dumpee. My ex girlfriend was the dumper and it was because she wanted more out of the relationship than what I was willing to give her. She wanted more of a commitment from me and I didn't want to take that step. My now ex g/f dumped me to get back with her ex. so in her case it was better for her to be the dumper. I wanted a commitment, she did'nt. Link to post Share on other sites
mike588 Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Depends which way you look at it! Didn't I read on another thread that this is the 3rd time your ex and her ex have tried....what makes you think its going to work this time either?????? Personally mate, if a woman is that flighty in the LONGRUN you're better off without it and waiting to find a woman who wants the same commitment as you do, not running back to their ex. So in that sense your better off being the dumpee, you just might not see it at the moment. To clarify: They broke up twice before,,,, before she dated me,, 1st time she left me. Oh now that the "fog has cleared" I see that. Why do I think it will work this time? It may not but there is something there between them! She told me that she failed in the relationship with him and had to go back. Yea I know I'm better off without her,,, it just took some time to realize that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ffw Posted October 1, 2011 Author Share Posted October 1, 2011 But dumpers do not stay single for long , and that can't be healthy Thats not entirely true. Usually, female dumpers, emotionally detach themselves from the dumpee long before they actually pull the trigger. In other words, they move from one stable relationship to other. So, when the time comes its always the dumpee that gets the shock & suffers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ffw Posted October 1, 2011 Author Share Posted October 1, 2011 To clarify: They broke up twice before,,,, before she dated me,, 1st time she left me. Oh now that the "fog has cleared" I see that. Why do I think it will work this time? It may not but there is something there between them! She told me that she failed in the relationship with him and had to go back. Yea I know I'm better off without her,,, it just took some time to realize that. Sorry to hear that mike. But it looks like you ended up in a rebound relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ffw Posted October 1, 2011 Author Share Posted October 1, 2011 any more suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Thats not entirely true. Usually, female dumpers, emotionally detach themselves from the dumpee long before they actually pull the trigger. In other words, they move from one stable relationship to other. So, when the time comes its always the dumpee that gets the shock & suffers. For them to detach themselves emotionally take weeks or maybe even months... They had done their grieving during that time... And it's hard for them to tell you that they wanna break up with you... The are contemplating whether wanna really break up with you cause they fear they might regret it... Once they had pull the trigger though, they feel relief and like a weight was lifted off their shoulders... That's what my ex girlfriend told me... At first I thought she felt relief cause she was finally being able to get rid of me..? Actually no... She was relief cause she do not have to waver from the decision whether to break it off with me or not... But normally this kinda break up, they will have someone else already standing by waiting for them... It gives them the courage to break it off with you... In my humble opinion, both dumper and dumpee do suffer... It just happen at a different time for both... Link to post Share on other sites
Desensitized Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Is this still a primitive era where we are only confined to black-and-white thinking? Of course it's very situational whether it's better to be a dumper than a dumpee. In my most recent break up, I would have much preferred to have been the dumpee. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 When my ex, for the umpteenth time, threatened to go f*ck a random guy at the bar if I didn't cheer up that instant, I dumped her, so that makes me the bad guy. So I'm a bad guy. Big deal. I agree with Desensitized that the hammer and nail / dumper and dumpee thing is simplistic and papers over the fundamental flaws that led to the break up in many many cases. Work out what little things (like my ex using sex as a weapon, for instance) that created a schism between you and consider how you could better handle that in the future. And always recognise that sometimes, things just do not work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ffw Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 For them to detach themselves emotionally take weeks or maybe even months... They had done their grieving during that time... And it's hard for them to tell you that they wanna break up with you... The are contemplating whether wanna really break up with you cause they fear they might regret it... Once they had pull the trigger though, they feel relief and like a weight was lifted off their shoulders... That's what my ex girlfriend told me... At first I thought she felt relief cause she was finally being able to get rid of me..? Actually no... She was relief cause she do not have to waver from the decision whether to break it off with me or not... But normally this kinda break up, they will have someone else already standing by waiting for them... It gives them the courage to break it off with you... In my humble opinion, both dumper and dumpee do suffer... It just happen at a different time for both... I understand what you mean. Lets say, they break up because they thought grass is green on the other side. But, later they found out its not the case or they get dumped. Will you consider taking them back? I know its a bit off topic but just want different opinion on this. Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I understand what you mean. Lets say, they break up because they thought grass is green on the other side. But, later they found out its not the case or they get dumped. Will you consider taking them back? I know its a bit off topic but just want different opinion on this. It really depends man... Even if they find that the grass isn't greener, they might have just move on and find another guy and will not come back... If my ex feels that she actually loves (after the honeymoon phase) and wan me back, then I will consider taking her back... But personally I will be struggling within myself cause I could not accept her sleeping with other guy... If the guy broke off with her and she came back, then I don't think I will take her back... Cause the reason for her to come back is that the guy reject her and she feel that she messed up... She just come back because she wanted someone who she was familiar with... And that, makes me kinda like a rebound guy... These are just my own thoughts and my taking on things... Link to post Share on other sites
samphs Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I think it all the depends, I'm the dumpee but in my situation after only 2 weeks I am seeing someone else and I know he is not because of an email he sent his sister, I feel like crap and I want him back but he seems set on his decision, sometimes the rebound helps you by giving you company (just make sure they know they are only rebounds). Most dumpers have rebounds for the same reason I do, they want the company its sad but true, as a dumpee you don't feel bad about it though.... I have been on the other side as well and broke up with someone I loved almost as much as I love my ex, I regret it to this day but at the time I'm sure he felt worse than I did, now he is happy with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
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