Completely out of my skull

[ScienceGal]

I am so upset right now. Mostly, the tears are anger and frustration with myself. I want to NOT CARE. Yet, I am stuck caring about nothing except him. It's 3.5 months out, and I have made no progress since the first month. I am stuck.

 

I have a hard time going to social events and seeing people that know him and me. It's my issue, I know. It's because I am still struggling. Tonight I went to an event and I knew I wouldn't see him unless I stayed out late (I did not stay). I had several people express they want to be friends and they want me to go to such and such event. Great, really... I have no problem socializing. I am a good person and want to make these connections. I love life, and I like good people. And really, I need an identity separate from the ex. But, I still love him and miss him everyday. I haven't told anyone this in at least two months. So, it's dodging the "so.. how are you.." questions. I am trying to be strong, but that question is a punch to the gut each time. They know what they're really asking. But I smile and come up with some generic comment about something I have been involved with lately.

 

But then a good friend (who means well) tells me something. She tells me that she mentioned to my ex that we are all adults and should just get along. He responded with something to the effect that I am crazy and he can't handle that. I felt my face go red as her and I were walking to our cars. I said "what?... haha".. and shook my head a bit. She said, "I know, right?" I played if off as if I didn't care and hugged her goodnight. I got in my car and drove home. Then I lost it for 20 minutes. Ballistic. Tears. I wanted to just die.

 

The weight of having him think I am crazy is too much. I was an amazing partner to him. But, in the end, I demanded he treat me better. He was all take and no give. The last night we spoke I was drunk and emotional. I was sad and wanted to talk, but I wasn't "crazy". I am picturing crazy being yelling and throwing things, and maybe worse. I did nothing like that. I just questioned him and cried and he walked out. He ignored me for 2 days so I emailed him with a "you need to treat me better than this" email. I told him I loved him, but I was tired from not being able to sleep and upset. I prefaced the email with that. That's when he responded with a break up email. He claimed I "hurt" him and I heard he went a few weeks pretty broken up about it. I don't get it. I feel like he gave little effort.

 

He just gave my things back a few days ago. He messaged me that I could come get them and I told him I'd send someone by.. that's when he called a mutual friend to get the things.. the same friend that told me tonight he thinks I am crazy.

 

I don't know how to get past this sadness and frustration (really mad at myself). I want to go out and have a good time, but he will be there sometimes. What do I do? I still love him and am seriously pissed off that he is being so ignorant. I feel so lost. I don't want to hole up in my house. I can get out in other circles, but being a small town, they will come together at times. I don't want to flee early each night because I have to come home and cry. I want to be happy but I don't know how to get there from here.

 

I often think that if he comes back we can talk. Then I get more sad and plot to get him back... but now, I just want to move on. How do I suppress the urge to cry? How do I really move on? How do I make my heart agree with my mind?

[Queen of Hearts 10]

You will get through this ! Can you stop revisiting the past ! Put it in the box

mark it with a big "X" and stick it in the corner of the dark closet !!

 

Please leave it there ! Now start dating again ! Get on Plenty of Fish. com

and start looking for a new "Fish " in that ocean !

 

I shouldn't be giving advice as I have my problem not able to hang up my EX !

 

He won't make contact with me at all. I've heard that his new GF is very beautiful !

Sting me ! Ouch ! If we play with fire we will get burned.

 

It's my turn ! I want a handsome replacement of him ! So let's go fishing or find some

one new out there ! It's a thrill to be looked at once again.

 

Best of luck ! Deal up a new hand !

 

Queen of Hearts 10

[Nohbody]

All empathy for you.

 

Love doesn't die easily. It's hard to kill, it's hard to live with when it's so clearly not reciprocated. You know you deserve better, and you know you'll be ok. You are making progress, even if you can't detect it. The steps are incremental, and sometimes they are microscopic... but you are doing well and you are moving forward.

 

Trust yourself, I believe in you - and I know you'll be ok. It comes down to time, time, time.

[Beachgirl8]

That "stuck" feeling is the worst. I'm so sorry you are feeling that right now.

 

It sounds like you are putting on a brave face and dealing with this situation with class and dignity. You are not crazy. That was really mean of him to say.

 

Just try to remember that feelings are just feelings, and no matter how strong they are right now they will eventually pass. Feel them to the fullest extent, allow yourself to be sad and grieve, and keep doing what you are doing. Without the lows in life we could never experience the highs. Right now is a low time for you, but in time things will change.

It's excruciating but you will get through this. I suggest that you keep avoiding him even if that means going home early for awhile. You have to protect your own sanity and health first and foremost, and seeing him out probably isn't the best idea. It sucks even worse when "well meaning" friends ask questions and you have to keep it together. They are just curious and you are keeping it together so well in public they probably have no idea that their questions are stabs to your heart.

I guess none of this is really advice, but I just wanted you to know that I've been where you are and I empathize. You will eventually make it through this. 3 months is not that long. Cut yourself a break and take it easy on yourself.

[sun_moon]

ScienceGal,

 

I'm sorry your feeling so ****ty. Your being too hard on yourself, you have made progress, and 3 months is still not that long.

 

I understand the whole not being around him thing, I mean for the love of God, how can you do NC if you are always accidentally running into him. NC is purposeful avoidance till you reach indifference, because the pain, its just too great. So I understand wanting to skip out to be careful, but it sucks because you want to live your life and have a social life, one day it will be easy breezy and his insignificant presence will not bother you.

 

Gosh, I feel like I'm feeling so much better now, but I know, that if I accidentally saw him or heard he said something about me, it would bother me to no end.

 

You seem like such a wonderful warm person.....and the tears, I wish I could invent a remedy to stop the tears from flowing and feeling so crummy. Oh wait the pharmaceutical companies call them anti-depressants.

 

I feel stuck too, I feel that way A LOT, mostly for the reason you said, because I'm trapped in still having the feeling of love for him.

 

Whatever it will pass eventually, like Nohbody said time will do the trick.

 

Till then cry your eyes out till there is no more.

[Duckduckgoose]

Don't plot to get someone back when they "think" you're crazy.

 

Why the hell would you want someone back who has made it clear they don't want to be with you, and thinks you're crazy? Hell even if you got him back it would be sloppy seconds at their absolute worst, he would treat you like **** because he has a low opinion of you and you grovel and beg at his feet.

 

This guy is so not worth it. There are lots of guys that think you're not crazy... go find one of them

[lovesickmonkey]

Sounds like you're going through the "relationship autopsy" again. You are probably thinking too much about how it ended ... you asking more of him ... him freaking out. His leaving probably had little to do with your reasonable demands. He was probably not as into you as you might have desired or imagined. It sucks when that happens but it happened to most of us here. He knew you were in love with him and he knew leaving you would hurt you so he wanted you to leave him. When that didn't happen he grasped the frailest excuse to leave you, making it seem like your fault. Am I right? I think this happens a lot. No one wants to break it off so they want you to do it, OR they want you to give them cause. No one wants to tell the truth: "I'm sorry but I'm not in love with you ... was was at one time but now it's gone. I don't know why it happened and I'm deeply sorry. It's best we end this relationship." Sorry if I'm reading too much into it but I think this applies quite often. And for what it's worth, I'm still suffering deeply. My breakup was a month before yours.

[betterdeal]

(((ScienceGal)))

 

You're beautiful, intelligent and accomplished.

[ScienceGal]

All empathy for you.

 

Love doesn't die easily. It's hard to kill, it's hard to live with when it's so clearly not reciprocated. You know you deserve better, and you know you'll be ok. You are making progress, even if you can't detect it. The steps are incremental, and sometimes they are microscopic... but you are doing well and you are moving forward.

 

Trust yourself, I believe in you - and I know you'll be ok. It comes down to time, time, time.

 

Love is an imbalanced equation. It's amazing how little energy is put in when falling in love with someone, but then it takes such a great amount of energy to let it go. It's as though that love grew like an emotional cancer and there's no easy way to rid oneself of it. I can't believe the amount of energy it's already taken and will continue to take from me. I am so drained already. I keep thinking that with the "right" person, it is a balanced equation.

 

Don't plot to get someone back when they "think" you're crazy.

 

Why the hell would you want someone back who has made it clear they don't want to be with you, and thinks you're crazy? Hell even if you got him back it would be sloppy seconds at their absolute worst, he would treat you like **** because he has a low opinion of you and you grovel and beg at his feet.

 

This guy is so not worth it. There are lots of guys that think you're not crazy... go find one of them

 

He had a crazy ex. The kind that would yell and throw things. He stuck by her and tried to get her in to therapy. He even got arrested for her. I think that burnt him out and at the slightest sign of emotional outburst (me that last night crying and asking "why are you being so cold to me?") he bolted. He waited 2 days and when he saw my story did not change and I still wanted better, he broke up with me. And I will not plot, I just think about it sometimes. I do know better than that.

 

 

His leaving probably had little to do with your reasonable demands. He was probably not as into you as you might have desired or imagined. It sucks when that happens but it happened to most of us here. He knew you were in love with him and he knew leaving you would hurt you so he wanted you to leave him. When that didn't happen he grasped the frailest excuse to leave you, making it seem like your fault. Am I right?

 

I don't think you're right. He introduced me to his parents, told his best friends I was the one, talked about when we'd live together. I had many people tell me they were surprised and happy he'd finally found someone. His issue was that I couldn't just let him be how he is (cold, no empathy, poor communication). If I'd kept my mouth shut, I'd still be with him. He just can't compromise and was seriously upset that I had demands. He just wanted to keep going as it was and I refused.

 

 

(((ScienceGal)))

 

You're beautiful, intelligent and accomplished.

 

(((Thank you)))

 

 

ScienceGal,

 

I'm sorry your feeling so ****ty. Your being too hard on yourself, you have made progress, and 3 months is still not that long.

I am telling myself this right now, but also wondering, when is it too long? 3 more months, 6 more? I mean it can't suck forever... right?

 

 

I guess none of this is really advice, but I just wanted you to know that I've been where you are and I empathize. You will eventually make it through this. 3 months is not that long. Cut yourself a break and take it easy on yourself.

 

Thank you.

 

 

Please leave it there ! Now start dating again ! Get on Plenty of Fish. com

and start looking for a new "Fish " in that ocean !

 

Queen of Hearts 10

I will not do online dating. I also do not support the notion of finding a new guy to fix my problems. I would end up hurting him, or hurting myself even worse. Thanks for the post, you're writing style always makes me smile

[ScienceGal]

Also, in regards to the antidepressants. I am not familiar as I have never taken any. From what I read they help with sadness and feelings of hopelessness. I gather that they can do much for pining and grieving. I wasn't looking for it, but am a subscriber to some magazines. There is an article in the June Scientific American about prolonged grieving: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=shades-of-grief

 

I plan to ask my doctor for details.

[shortee143]

"Love is an imbalanced equation. It's amazing how little energy is put in when falling in love with someone, but then it takes such a great amount of energy to let it go." - great quote, I'm saving that one! so true...it is unfair!

 

I am sorry you're in this pain, I think we all can relate here. I know you are angry at yourself for not being over it all, I too am, I should be over the jerk. I am fighting the battle of loving him and hating him...it is so tiring! My ex and I know a lot of the same people and cross paths very frequently, it is really tough. It is so frustrating when you are stuck...you wna be happy, your brain wants that- but inside, your heart is still dying. My ex has now introduced his new gf to all our friends, and I hate it, it just isnt fair. You will get thru it-- as they say, "if you're going thru hell, keep going". Your frustrations are getting the best of you!

[sun_moon]

Also, in regards to the antidepressants. I am not familiar as I have never taken any. From what I read they help with sadness and feelings of hopelessness. I gather that they can do much for pining and grieving. I wasn't looking for it, but am a subscriber to some magazines. There is an article in the June Scientific American about prolonged grieving: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=shades-of-grief

 

I plan to ask my doctor for details.

 

 

Hi dear, hope your better today.

 

In regards to my comment, it was more of a joke to offer you some comical relief.

 

Different people seek different forms of help, nothing is wrong or right, its just simply somethings work better for some rather than other techniques. Self help books, LS, journaling, taking anti depressants, therapy, yoga, etc....

 

 

A long long time ago, when my first love crushed me and left me with my first experience with a broken heart, I was beyond devastated, sadly, I didn't really seem to improve, and I wasn't letting go of him. I fell into a depression and everyone noticed, it was bad.

 

One day after being sick of being depressed, I walked into my doctors office and asked for help. It was like a jolt back into reality and I got my old self back. That is when my healthy self reflection came back to me, when I wasnt drowning in depression.

 

I've been through breakups after that, including the most current one that brought me to LS, I feel like I was the dumper and the dumpee.

 

I needed meds years ago after my break up with my first love but I havent needed it after. This time all I need and have done is just lots of reading, journaling, exorcise, a dose of friends and family, and a whole lot of time. This time around I'm not dumbfounded and shocked, I'm realistic and know what to expect, amazing what growing up does to you, gives you hard lessons in life you just don't want

 

ScienceGal, do what is right for you, research, ask and seek options, you can do this. Your are improving, you know why we all know you are, because you have kept NC and are not seeking him out, you are realistic and know what you want.

 

You are so much better than him and you knew it then and know it now, because you demanded nothing less than a fair treatment, he's a douche.

[ScienceGal]

Sun,

 

I got that it was a joke, it is just something that I have seriously been thinking about. I've had moments where I just want to die, like seriously die. Several times I felt like my head was going to explode and I wished I had a bottle of pills and a bottle of wine. I'd wrap up in a blanket and lay in the bathtub and just go to sleep. I know it's normal to have thoughts of just wanting the pain to end, but it's scary to get that low. And of course after the intensity passes I feel really foolish for being sad since I have a life that others would die to have!

 

I've had slumps of a week straight where I had symptoms of depression. Then, I pull myself out of it... then I'm back to it. And this is bigger than the issues with my ex. I just can't remember the last time I was completely happy. I fake it quite a lot though.

[reimeivn]

he just cant understand you, and thats why he said you are crazy.

 

to be honest i have not seen a crazy person in my life. whenever we do anything we have a reason to, and other people also.

 

i cant believe how i would feel if my ex say that, but please, know that somebody who says things like that, is very immature, and should not be anybody special in your life or in your heart.

[sun_moon]

Sun,

 

I got that it was a joke, it is just something that I have seriously been thinking about. I've had moments where I just want to die, like seriously die. Several times I felt like my head was going to explode and I wished I had a bottle of pills and a bottle of wine. I'd wrap up in a blanket and lay in the bathtub and just go to sleep. I know it's normal to have thoughts of just wanting the pain to end, but it's scary to get that low. And of course after the intensity passes I feel really foolish for being sad since I have a life that others would die to have!

 

I've had slumps of a week straight where I had symptoms of depression. Then, I pull myself out of it... then I'm back to it. And this is bigger than the issues with my ex. I just can't remember the last time I was completely happy. I fake it quite a lot though.

 

 

You know what, I completely empathize and understand the pain you are feeling. I have been there and it just plain sucks. I think its wonderful that your being proactive and seeking advice, don't be afraid to act and visit a professional, whether it be a doctor or a therapist.

 

((hugs))

 

The intensity if overwhelming and quite scary, I hope it passes for you.

[betterdeal]

It's funny how people will call others crazy when what they mean is, they don't understand them. It's a coping mechanism - by dismissing someone we can move on in our lives in a way we think is best for us. You could of course describe the events or the situation as crazy, but many people choose not to make such subtle distinctions.

 

I've tried lots of different tools for getting out of depression, and I think the key is being open-minded and trying them out. Some may become hobbies such as yoga whilst others might be a booster you need to get out of a depressing situation such as anti-depressants or hypnotherapy. The journeys I've had with each has been valuable, even if they didn't deliver what was hoped for. As a scientist, I'm sure you understand the enjoyment of making journeys of discovery.

 

Socialising within the same circles as an ex is always hard. But after a while it becomes an inconvenience. You may end up hating him but even that is a step in the right direction. Depression is often anger turned inwards. Pointing at the cause of your discomfort is better than pointing it at yourself.

Edited October 2, 2011 by betterdeal