First date since breakup

[lonelynyc]

Last night I went on my first date since my ex broke up with me months ago. It was actually great. The girl is super-nice and fun to talk to, dinner lasted for about 2 and a half hours because the conversation flowed so freely. In the end when I walked her to her place she even gave me a peck on the lips (don't worry it was classy). We made plans to see each other next week, so that's good, right? Total times I mentioned the ex: 0.

 

Then I got back home and just out of nowhere broke down in tears. I mean I was bawling. It's like I'm hurt to the core by the way she feels about me now when I compare it to the way she felt before all the trouble. I have seen a new coldness, behavior towards me that is just downright cruel and insensitive, manipulative. I didn't think she could become that, didn't think it was who she was. What the hell? Is that a normal way to act after your first date in the "moving on" phase of the breakup, breaking down the way I did in privacy?

[ken_25]

Yeah it's normal. Don't worry about it, eventually things like this will pass.

[TheStylist]

Yes, it happened to me before. Two months after the breakup, I went out for my first date. On the second date, we kissed. And I got off his car suddenly, and was literally running away back to my place and went straight to the rest room and cried like a baby. I was hysterical for about 30mins. I couldn't understand why. I guess, maybe because the realization hit me. That, it was totally over and I'm moving on. And I did move on after that.

[Kilty]

Hmm - it's not really normal in my opinion.

 

What should have happened if you got on so well with your new girl is that you have very little thought of your ex.

 

If you liked her, had fun and the conversation was easy and enjoyable then what usually happens is you compare the new to the old and realise how much better things are.

 

Then if you got home and broke down it should be through relief.

 

At this point you shouldnt be giving a rats ass about what your ex thinks about you or how she has behaved - you have moved on with someone you like and who is far nicer to you than your ex was.

 

The reason for this is by now the most prominent memories of your ex are not the good times, but the pain of the break up and how she has treated you.

 

A harsh point of view is you are not being fair towards your new girl as you are still hung up on your ex.

 

And the new girl sounds great by the way.

 

My advice - get your ex out of your head or you are going to ruin any chances you have with the new girl - sooner rather than later

[lonelynyc]

Yes, it happened to me before. Two months after the breakup, I went out for my first date. On the second date, we kissed. And I got off his car suddenly, and was literally running away back to my place and went straight to the rest room and cried like a baby. I was hysterical for about 30mins. I couldn't understand why. I guess, maybe because the realization hit me. That, it was totally over and I'm moving on. And I did move on after that.

 

I don't know if that's the feeling I was experiencing. I cried because I'm still so hurt by my ex basically discarding me and then treating me like trash. Not even an enjoyable date could lessen that pain. If anything it exacerbated it, almost as if the way I was interacting with my date last night reminded me too much of the way it was with my ex before our fall. And I still love her. I'm hopeless.

[mike588]

Great response Kilty! I had two dates shortly after being dumped. The 1st was a disaster,, she only talked about herself and it did'nt affect me.

 

The 2nd date date, just for coffee went better but when I got home I also broke down just knowing also that is completely over for my ex and I.

 

Did'nt see her again (2nd date) just couldn't do it.

Edited October 1, 2011 by mike588

[TheStylist]

I don't know if that's the feeling I was experiencing. I cried because I'm still so hurt by my ex basically discarding me and then treating me like trash. Not even an enjoyable date could lessen that pain. If anything it exacerbated it, almost as if the way I was interacting with my date last night reminded me too much of the way it was with my ex before our fall. And I still love her. I'm hopeless.

 

Looks like we were on the same boat before. I was like a zombie for two months. I didn't go out, I quit working, I stayed in bed the whole day and night crying and I gotten to a point where I didn't eat anything for 2days and half! Just a little water. No friends could cheer me up. I was practically dead outside. My friends had to really really force me to date this guy til I gave in. It was the worst ever but I moved on eventually. Til to this day, thoughts of him make me shiver and send stabbing pain into my heart.

[lonelynyc]

Looks like we were on the same boat before. I was like a zombie for two months. I didn't go out, I quit working, I stayed in bed the whole day and night crying and I gotten to a point where I didn't eat anything for 2days and half! Just a little water. No friends could cheer me up. I was practically dead outside. My friends had to really really force me to date this guy til I gave in. It was the worst ever but I moved on eventually. Til to this day, thoughts of him make me shiver and send stabbing pain into my heart.

 

I know how you feel. Unfortunately I can't stop working, but I would love to (already used my vacation days back in August when she cut me off the first time). I stay up almost all night every night. I just can't go to sleep anymore. It's crazy because I was fine for a while, but it's been really bad for the past week. Earlier in the week I called Depression/Suicide hotlines at 2 and 3 AM just to talk to another person about what I'm going through. I'm going to therapy and hopefully I'll get a prescription for something that will end these invasive thoughts and just allow me to sleep for a normal, healthy number of hours.

[danceallday]

LNYC - What your feeling is normal. It just means you are not ready for a relationship yet. That is okay. There is no playbook for what you are going through and don't let anyone else tell you that your feelings are not valid. They are yours, you own them.

[lonelynyc]

LNYC - What your feeling is normal. It just means you are not ready for a relationship yet. That is okay. There is no playbook for what you are going through and don't let anyone else tell you that your feelings are not valid. They are yours, you own them.

 

Thank you for not judging me, danceallday. I'm definitely not ready for a relationship. I just have no confidence anymore, and my mind is always on my ex. It's hard, but I guess it's just a season in my life, and eventually it will pass.

[danceallday]

Lonely - I live in nyc too, if you want to share a coffee and commiserate send me a message. Sometimes it helps to have a neutral third party to hear what you are going through. My breakup was an absolute nuclear dirty bomb melt down doozy. Be well.

[Buttercup84]

I cried after my first date . He was nice but it was awkward and boring. My first date with my ex lasted 6 hours and was great. I don't want a boyfriend for a very long time .

 

Dont worry you're normal . You will meet someone when it's right .

[jenjen83]

Thank you for not judging me, danceallday. I'm definitely not ready for a relationship. I just have no confidence anymore, and my mind is always on my ex. It's hard, but I guess it's just a season in my life, and eventually it will pass.

 

Well done for recognising you aren't ready. I went out with a guy for a few dates a couple of weeks after my ex dumped me. The guy was lovely and I had fun but all I could think about was my ex which wasn't fair on him or me.

 

I then spent the next 3 months looking after myself and have been on two dates recently (albeit not successful ones!) and didn't think about my ex at all during them as I had given myself the time to be able to properly move on.

 

I know it's a cliche but time is a healer....don't push yourself to go on dates if you aren't ready,instead work on you and eventually you will be ready.

[M2155]

I see it a little differently (sorry I'm late here).

 

There is nothing wrong with going on a date and not feeling what you want or thought with them. It's a date, do not go on a date with expectations. I felt exactly what a lot of you are describing but more so from going to bars or out with friends seeing all the happy people and I feel sad and missing where I used to be.

 

A lot of you said you went out with someone who was lovely and you enjoyed your time. Do just that. Enjoy that you are out of the house with someone who is not your ex and only do it for that reason. Have you ever gone to a job intereview where you didn't really want the job? Have you ever visited a new city which helps you realize it's somewhere you would never want to leave? When I say go on a date, it could be with a friend or a future friend, just stop expecting so much from yourself. It's okay because it takes time to get back to normal and you aren't in the state of mind to develop a new relationship. The more time you spend being open to meeting new people (because let's face it, you have to eventually), the more you'll see qualities that you like.

 

I don't know if it's really "unfair" to the other person. As the "other person" I just don't go in expecting it to work. I would not be too offended if the other person told me they were just dating right now and not ready to get into a relationship- I tell guys that upfront. If you were THE woman or man for them, you probably would be on here telling us how excited you are to have met them.

 

I'm not encouraging you to date if you are truly not ready. What I'm saying is don't be so hard on yourself for reacting emotionally or not feeling it. If you were completely over your ex, most of your dates still aren't going to lead to a relationship anyway. When the person that gets you going comes along, you will forget about your ex. Until then, don't just say no to dating (without expectations) because you aren't relationship-ready. Those could turn into friendships.