Do i get a second chance

[mark_k]

We were together for 1yr 2months and deeply in love with each other.We met online and i lied about my age stating as 32 instead of 36 whereas she was 28.I was on a business trip and could not call her for almost 8 days and she got very angry and when i returned she wrote me a mail and said its over.I contacted her and wanted to get back and honestly told her also about my age and she was too hurt and said i am a lier she cannot trust me anymore and i was always ignoring her and i did not behave mature and hide about my age and she wants a grown up and honest man and she said its over forever as she can never trust me again.She said i was always ignoring her needs and now she does not want to get hurt anymore.

She is too hurt and said she does not love me anymore and almost 4 weeks after breakup i wrote her 18mails 3sms and 4phone calls and send flower and card and i begged to take me back and wrote long mails to convince and now i received a mail from her saying that she is 100% sure she does not want to be back with me and i am not her man and she gives me best wishes for future and said please i should not contact her again as it only hurts and she wants to keep our relationship as good memory and i should forget it.

Now i read about no contact but i think its too late as so what should i do.Is that ok for me to go no contact for a month and then write a mail asking her best friends how she is and saying her not to inform her so maybe her best friends can help me in future to get us together.

Edited October 1, 2011 by mark_k

[Diogenes]

Forget her and move on. I can see why she would be angry for you not calling in 8 days, but not angry enough to call it quits unless you had a pattern of such behavior. Something else is going on here.

[leoc1973]

8 days without calling her? Unless you were on a desert island you have no excuse. Honestly here? You were with another girl weren't you?

[Nsweet]

I think you already know your answer. You need to go NC immediately and stop harassing her.Stop sending emails and flowers and stop trying to get her to reciprocate romantically, because right now she is way too angry with you. You know you did goof up by lying about your age but this can be overlooked in time. Just take about a month or two to work on yourself and your insecurities while not contacting her until you're ready.

[mark_k]

No i was not with another girl but i was visiting my parents also during this time.

I will go NC for a month and then how to go as she requested in the mail i should never contact her again so don't you think if i contact her after 1 or 6 months it will only make her angry.

After a month NC is that ok for me to write to one of her friend and ask about her instead of contact her directly.

[leoc1973]

ok put yourself in her shoes. She is extremely pissed off at you. You beg cry all that stuff pretty much let her know she has all the power. So, what does she do? She figures that even if she still wants you she is gonna teach you a really good lesson so that you never do something like not calling her for 8 days again. Then you get really bad and start overdoing it which then makes her even more pissed off to the point where she feels she can't even think. I think this is where a lot of womens I need some space comes in. Then she starts to question if she even wants you anymore cause you turned into a spinless jellyfish that she is so pissed off with she can't even stomach to look at. You have to totally back off of this one and let her think. Thats why all those books tell you to apologize one time and then tell her you are gonna leave her alone because that is exactly what you should do. Did you have a great relationship before this? If so then just seriously back off of her for a bit and she will probably be back. I seriously think she is just trying to teach you a lesson. Just don't let her know you know this or your lesson will be a lot longer. good luck man and I am glad to hear that you were not with another girl.

[mark_k]

This is what she wrote

"Please please don't contact me anymore,whenever you contact me i feel more hurt and this does not make any sense.Iam 100% sure that i don't want to have a relationship with you anymore also we cannot remain as friends as lot of things happened between us.I will keep our beautiful times as good memory.Please let it rest in peace.

Please accept this

All best wishes for your future and take good care"

[leoc1973]

My ex broke up with me a couple years ago. She told me there is no chance no way no how she has moved on. She even told me to find a nice girl who will appreciate me. She told friends, friends of friends, family, my family her family, she said she is happy without me. 3 months later she begged to be back with me so take what people say when you break up with a grain of salt. Give her some time and space this isn't the type of break up that was coming for a long time or she fell out of love with you she is just super pissed off at you. Just apologize tell her you enjoyed your time together and tell her you are going to leave her alone and move on. She will come around. I mean unless you were a really crappy boyfriend all along and this was the straw.

[mark_k]

Does that mean i should go no contact till she contacts me back ? Would that be fine if i write a mail to her best friend asking her how my ex is doing after 1 month NC ?

[leoc1973]

I think you should just sincerely apologize and then leave her alone. Send her a nice very very short email or text saying you never meant to hurt her and that the only reason you lied about your age is because you really liked her right from the beginning and didn't wanna take the chance of letting her get away because you were too old. Say you wish you could take things back but you can't and you regret it. Tell her you wish her the best. Don't drag it on about your good times or a bunch of meaning less stuff because after so many letters and emails I think she will just skim it if its too long just really really brief and then tell her that she will not hear from you again. I think then it will become very real to her. It sounds to me like a really bad fight that turned into a breakup I don't think she wants to be broken up with you but she probably feels like she has to. She probably badmouthed you to all her friends and family and they probably did the same so its gonna take a little missing you to come back. She really needs space. Do some reading on the internet and 99% of the sites will tell you to leave her be for now.

[mark_k]

Its too late to do anything so only option for me is to go no contact because after reading her last mail i was too emotional and replied.

"I will never contact you ever again but will pray to god that i get another chance to prove myself and be a perfect man for you.I cannot love any woman in my life after giving you so much hurt and pain.If your love was true then god will also give a chance for me to give my love to you.Please take care"

So now my only option is NC and pray to god.

[leoc1973]

well you did tell her to take care so I guess she thinks you were saying good bye. Now in her head she is thinking he will contact me again in a day or so, so yes your only option is nc. Let her wonder where you are and why you are not contacting her anymore. After a little time has passed she will start to think maybe you met someone else. I really think she is just really hurt and you piled it on when all she needed is space. Isn't it funny how we always make the mistake of telling them we will only ever love them! Talk about giving someone all the power. In a couple days after she had time to breathe she will start to think about how little what you did mattered in the grand scheme of things. Like I said unless you were always rotten to her.

[mark_k]

It was a big mistake i should have gone NC after the breakup but as i did not call and that created all the trouble so i did not want to go NC and started to behave desperate with all emails,calls and sms and now i have decided to go NC and let me see how long i need to wait and if does not respond before Christmas then i think about sending her a card.

[noel2]

Do not e-mail, text, call or any other form of communication. She has made it 100% clear how she feels and if you really want another chance with her, you're going to have to let her go, really let her go so she can heal. Also, don't contact her friends, that will make her mad and make you look desperate. Good luck, my best advice is to move on. Oh and ps, 8 days with no contact unless you're in the hospital, unconscious or with Gilligan on a desert Island, is totally unacceptable and proves how little you honestly do care for her, I think what you are feeling right now is rejected and that tends to make us do desperate things to save us from ourselves. Anyway, take care and be happy!

[mark_k]

Thanks for the advice so you mean to go NC and move on with my life and not to wait for her or contact her anymore unless she contacts me.

[noel2]

yes, move on and live your life. If you two are meant to be together one day, then your paths will cross again. But don't limit yourself to relationships that you know won't work just because you want to be free just in case....it's not fair to you or the new woman. Good luck:)

[ffw]

Yes, as everyone suggested the best option for you is to do NC & move on. Remember, your doing NC for yourself to heal & not to get her back. If there is possibility of another chance, it has to come from her side. No matter what you say or do is not going to change her mind. So, seriously back off & move on. Maybe you will find a much better girl than her.

[Nsweet]

All this negative talk of reconcilliation not happening under the illusion of "whatever will be will be" is just a simple cop out for those not willing to try. When has giving up on any relationship ever worked to strengthen the comfort between people?

 

The OP's ex in this situation has formed opinions and come the decision that breaking up was best based on long term emotional conclusions about him. However, she still does want to keep in contact either to soften the emotional pains on her end or keep a small possibility open. In this circumstance since you flamed back over email, which could have been seen as an irrational behavior justifying her decision to break up. A short period of NC is your best shot as immediately appologizing will seem like a pathetic attempt to please her. Keep up the NC until you're absolutely ready to talk. If need be you can let her know your ok if and when she starts to panic, but only once in the total 4-week average NC period. I don't care what other have to say about this, the longer you ignore someone the more childish you appear.

 

When you do get back in contact keep in mind the stages of reconcilliation so you know how you're progressing.

 

The Stranger Stage:

Strangers-you see her but don't talk

Casual strangers- you talk to her but neither one of you discusses personal information

Personal strangers-you discuss some of your personal life but nothing secretive.

 

The Friendship stage:

Casual Friends: you both talk about your personal lives and know some secrets,but don't see eachother very often, classmates more or less.

Activity Friends: Like casual friends but you go out on non romantic dates or activities.

Close Friends: You know almost all eachother's secrets, you communicate or meet up often. You help eachother grow and develop together.

 

The intimate stage:

Casual Intimacy: You begin to use pet names for eachother and feel comfortable breaking eachother's personal bubbles.

Close intimacy: You hold hands or cuddle together in a socially accepted manner out in bublic. If kissing yet, you both do this in public but not in areas which can lead to sex. No tongue just yet.

Romantic Intimacy: You begin touching more fondly, kissing in semi private areas, and talking about romantic futures together. Sometimes this stage is skipped over for sex, not a wise decision if a healthy relationship is desired.

 

Sexual intimacy:

Casual sexual intimacy: You two begin having sex in a light and cuddly manner once in a while. No freaky sex or fantasies go on. Often coexisting with a "you can't stay the night" frame.

Close sexual intimacy: You begin to explore eachother's desires and talk about sex more openly. You have sex more often and sleep in the same bed a few times.

Complete Sexual Intimacy: You two know eachother's desires and sexual interests in bed. You explore other methods of sex with complete trust. You talk about sex freely with eachother and send sweet and dirty texts. You plan your schedules to not only have intimate incounters but be with eachother more.

 

Granted you can't twist the other porson's arm into loving you, I'll give the nay sayers that one. You can however, flow gently from one stage into the next with by continuing communication and not pressuring her to move into a new stage unless she is completely ready. Once you keep giving eachother value from an equal opportunity by maintaining that sweet ballance of push/pull as friends, (ie you joke around and bust eachother balls, you build up trust and closeness, and you keep having fun together.), you'll both reach that point where you want to be more.

 

All of this depends on how well you change yourself NOW. If you can get over the hurt and improve your personality and character, then start finding your casual and flirty side with other girls, and finally stop caring about her. That's when you have the greatest opportunity to get her back. Think about it, you didn't get her in the first place by being overly needy or bitter now did you?

 

Good luck and shine on!

[mark_k]

Thanks for all your advice and currently i am maintaining NC.There are few things she wanted me to change and now i am changing myself but i also want to show her that i have changed.

She is living in other city so we can also never see each other.I am thinking to maintain NC for 2months and write her a short mail saying i have changed is that going to be ok or not.

I just want to write

"I cannot change the past but am doing all my efforts to correct my mistakes and change myself to be a better person." Then i write what i did so she knows.

[jordjones]

Yo Mark,

 

You need to set a goal of NC for 60 days. During this time improve yourself by working out, pursuing a new hobby, and just generally getting your life together. If she contacts you during this time, you can respond, but be short and sweet.

 

After 60 days, if you still feel the same way - which you might not, because feelings change, trust me - and she hasn't contacted you, call her if you think it's worth it. Ask her out to coffee or something casual, where you can present her the "new" you.

 

Look man, you have to let this relationship die. If you an her get back together, it needs to be a brand new relationship, because your head isn't on straight, and she probably isn't in the right place emotionally either. Let this die, so that there is a possibility that something can spark.

 

Also, I highly recommend read "Attraction Isn't a Choice." It isn't a get ex back book, but shows you what is attractive behavior and what isn't. I guarantee you that you have come across as EXTREMELY unattractive by your needy actions. Get your head on straight, and in 60 days, start to play the game again.

[mark_k]

Thanks for your advice.I will setup a goal for 60 days NC but i really feel she will not contact me during this time because all mistakes was from my part and she was always very loving with me even in her last mail she wrote me that i should take good care and all best wishes for me and should look for some other woman and be happy.

Is that really a good option to call her after NC to meet up for a coffee or its better to write her an email.What happens if when i call she does not respond then i cannot let her know i have changed whereas with mail at least i can convey her i still care for her and i have changed.