What is wrong with me for missing someone who treated me so badly?

[fellhard4u]

One of the questions in my attempts at recovering from what has been the most painful, devastating and humiliating experience in my life is about why I still miss xMM?

 

What is wrong with me for missing xMM after he treated me in the most disrespectful, uncaring and unkind way that anyone in my life has treated me?

 

What is wrong with me for wanting to think that deep down inside he did care?

 

What is wrong with me for still caring about what he thinks?

[CrazyMom]

I do not think anything at all is wrong with you. I've been in relationships where it's been all give give give on my end and all I got was treated like total crap.

 

The thing is, there were good times, as I'm sure is true with you also. That's what sticks out in your mind, and during those times you felt things for that person. You can't help who you love.

 

You miss him because he was part of your life and now he's not. I think it's completely normal to miss him.

 

You put time and effort into MM, so I think it's normal to hope that he cared for you in some way. I'm sure that he did care but maybe just didn't always show it in the best of ways.

 

Again, you can't help who you love and your feelings aren't just going to go away overnight. I think it's completely normal to still care what he thinks. It will take time for your thoughts and feelings for him to go away, if they ever completely do.

 

Don't beat yourself up over feeling this way. It was a relationship and mourning the loss of it is going to take time, as with the end of any relationship.

[fellhard4u]

Thank you for your kind words CrazyMom.

 

One of the unexpected consequences of the A and its devastating aftermath is the complete loss of my self-confidence. I used to be confident around others, whereas now, I constantly second-guess myself about how to talk to, act around and treat others. I used to think I was good at this, however I feel that the A experience has demonstrated otherwise.

 

I really thought that I knew what was going on deep in his heart and that despite ending the A, that he did care. His actions and behavior post A have shown me otherwise and, in addition to not being able to get past the pain and devastation that he caused in my life, I am perplexed by the fact that I still have feelings for him.

 

Dysfunctional much?

[CrazyMom]

Thank you for your kind words CrazyMom.

 

One of the unexpected consequences of the A and its devastating aftermath is the complete loss of my self-confidence. I used to be confident around others, whereas now, I constantly second-guess myself about how to talk to, act around and treat others. I used to think I was good at this, however I feel that the A experience has demonstrated otherwise.

 

I really thought that I knew what was going on deep in his heart and that despite ending the A, that he did care. His actions and behavior post A have shown me otherwise and, in addition to not being able to get past the pain and devastation that he caused in my life, I am perplexed by the fact that I still have feelings for him.

 

Dysfunctional much?

 

You are welcome. I should say that I am a MW in an EA. So all of my opinions are from that viewpoint.

 

I can only imagine how that has impacted your self confidence. A man that you love flat out chose another woman over you. That would be devastating in any situation, whether the man was married or not.

 

Putting myself in your xMM's shoes I may be able to provide some insight. Being in an A is hard. There's the comfort and structure that the M and family provides, but there's no denying the feelings for the OM/OW. If he expressed having feelings for you, and there were times when he truly showed you he did...then I have no doubt that he did care. But sounds like DDay shook him up. He got scared, that he would lose the M and family that he finds comfort in. So he did anything and everything to save that, including throwing you under the bus. At the moment that he decided he couldn't stand to lose all of that, he had to push you out of his heart and mind in order to save it. Whether he wanted to or not, he didn't have a choice.

 

As for still having feelings for him, I understand that. You, in a way, had a life with him. You have memories of a time where things were good. You know he can be a good person, whether or not he is displaying that now. So you may not like him, but you still love him. Unfortunately, love isn't something we have control over. But with time the feelings will fade. They may never completely go away, but they'll be easier to deal with.

[Gentlegirl]

You gave your heart and love to another human being and that's why you miss him so.

 

That's just what we do. There isn't anything wrong about it at all.

 

there would be something wrong with you if you weren't mssing him.

 

The hurt won't fade over night, but it will get less intense as time passes.

 

Warm wishes,

 

Gentlegirl

[SoMovinOn]

FellHard... there is a whole lot of psychology involved. We humans don't work so well with just black and white. You would think logic would dictate we'd not have a problem moving away from something bad, but, that often doesn't work as simply as it seems it should.

 

On the extreme end, look at abused women. To someone on the outside, the easy thought is, why doesn't she just leave? The reality is, even if she has the means and opportunity to do so, she won't (initially).

 

What people go through with break ups is not significantly different. A lot of the same psychology applies.

 

The bottom line is, there's nothing wrong with you. If it were that easy, LS would be a pretty lonely place with very few users.

[SunsetRed]

I used to have the mindset that I had to make people who didnt love me, love me to prove that I am loveable. This mindset especially played out in romantic relationships where if a man gave me a few crumbs and then took it all away, I felt like I HAD to get him to come back and give me some more crumbs. I felt like it was all my fault that he left, that I MADE him leave and that I was defective. The only way to right it all was to get him to come back and prove that I am lovealbe and that I"m not "bad".

 

I actually still have this mindset, but I fight against it. I know its not healthy and I know that it comes from abuse and trauma as a child.

 

I tell myself that I dont have to make people who dont love me, love me and I use whatever affirmation, counseling session to help me get through that thought and not act on it.

 

So, I know where you are coming from, but believe me..one day you'll look back on this situation and realize how UN-worth it he was. Just think about all the other people in your past who hurt you. Look at where you are now and what they are and you know that they werent worth it. Our xMMs arent worth it either.

[SBC]

One of the questions in my attempts at recovering from what has been the most painful, devastating and humiliating experience in my life is about why I still miss xMM?

 

What is wrong with me for missing xMM after he treated me in the most disrespectful, uncaring and unkind way that anyone in my life has treated me?

 

What is wrong with me for wanting to think that deep down inside he did care?

 

What is wrong with me for still caring about what he thinks?

 

I think it is important to figure out WHY you allowed him to treat you so badly in the first place. I would hazard to guess that you have low self esteem for starters. And to really move forward toward healthier relationships, it will be imperative0 to understand why you feel this way about yourself.

 

This path of self discovery, it is not easy, or even all that much fun, but it holds the key to a better life.

 

(hugs)

[So Very Confused]

Nothing is wrong with you. You were in love with this man and miss what you had together. It's normal to miss him.

 

When my xMM dumped me (and he's done it numerous times), I was devastated too and wondered what was wrong with me. In the beginning he treated me wonderfully, in the end he treated me like crap but I still loved him and it still hurt when the A ended. In my rational mind, I know that I wasn't getting all I wanted from the relationship. But my head wasn't in control when I was in the A, my heart was and my heart wanted him. It hurt so bad and I kept trying to figure out why he did it and why it hurt so bad. He blamed it all on me and I felt compelled to prove him wrong. It really was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

 

Things are better now though. I still don't have all the answers but I do have a little bit of peace. It still hurts, but time does help and so does posting on LS and reading different perspectives.

 

I have no doubt that your xMM had feelings for you. I'm sure he still cares for you but for whatever reason, he cares about himself more.

 

I'm very sorry for your pain.

[fellhard4u]

Thank you all for your kind words of support and help. I am working actively on moving past the pain of the break-up (IC, reading books and here on LS) and I do realize that the central question really is why I went for this "relationship" in the first place. It is not my M.O. and in my head I knew better.

 

I used to have the mindset that I had to make people who didnt love me, love me to prove that I am loveable. This mindset especially played out in romantic relationships where if a man gave me a few crumbs and then took it all away, I felt like I HAD to get him to come back and give me some more crumbs. I felt like it was all my fault that he left, that I MADE him leave and that I was defective. The only way to right it all was to get him to come back and prove that I am lovealbe and that I"m not "bad".

 

The section above is close to what I've discovered about myself on this journey. However, I feel I alternate between feeling there is something wrong with me which made him not want me and feeling that there's is something wrong with HIM for not wanting me.

 

The bolded part is exactly what happened in my relationship with xMM, and I did not expect to have this kind of reaction. What does this kind of reaction say about a person?

I am angry at myself, almost to the point of disgust, for still longing for and loving him despite the fact that no one else in my entire life has ever treated me so badly and has caused me such crushing pain.

 

Wouldn't the normal and appropriate reaction of a "healthy" person be to reject and let go of anything related to this kind painful and damaging relationship?

[wannabdone]

FH.... I am so sorry that you are hurting. I am with everyone else, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. I have been through the same thing, so much shame, and hurt that has gone into this. A man who has dumped me in order to settle his home life down and then come back. Constantly throwing me away like a piece of trash, then coming back.

 

I have loved this man and still do with everything in me. I miss him everyday. I have been more depreseed than I have ever been in my life. I have been NC for almost 2 months. I have found that he filled a void in my life. A void that has been there for a very long time. I looked to him to make all the wrongs in my life right. And I do realize that the only person who can do that is me. However, the damage is done. I love him, and I can't change that.

 

One thing that I keep in mind, is that no matter how much people want to make this as it wasn't a "real relationship", it very much was a one. It wasn't the relationship I desired, him being here with me everyday, night and day....but he was in my life and we shared a life for 10 years. It was real, and when R's are over....they hurt. Even when people are married to a SOB, when they D its hard. This is not only grieving your loss of a friend, a lover, but also grieveing what could have been.

 

Hang in there, we will get through this.

 

 

(((hugs)))

[So Very Confused]

FH.... I am so sorry that you are hurting. I am with everyone else, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. I have been through the same thing, so much shame, and hurt that has gone into this. A man who has dumped me in order to settle his home life down and then come back. Constantly throwing me away like a piece of trash, then coming back.

 

I have loved this man and still do with everything in me. I miss him everyday. I have been more depreseed than I have ever been in my life. I have been NC for almost 2 months. I have found that he filled a void in my life. A void that has been there for a very long time. I looked to him to make all the wrongs in my life right. And I do realize that the only person who can do that is me. However, the damage is done. I love him, and I can't change that.

 

One thing that I keep in mind, is that no matter how much people want to make this as it wasn't a "real relationship", it very much was a one. It wasn't the relationship I desired, him being here with me everyday, night and day....but he was in my life and we shared a life for 10 years. It was real, and when R's are over....they hurt. Even when people are married to a SOB, when they D its hard. This is not only grieving your loss of a friend, a lover, but also grieveing what could have been.

 

Hang in there, we will get through this.

 

 

(((hugs)))

 

I agree with the statement bolded above. I feel the same thing is true for me. There was a void in my life. I had been so busy trying to make sure everyone else in my life was happy, I forgot to stop and make me happy. I forgot HOW to make myself happy. I was trying to make myself feel better and picked the wrong path to make that happen. I was scared of being alone and so desperate, I settled for someone who was unavailable. At the time I started the affair, I was only slightly aware of that truth. Now I am BLINDED by that truth.

[fellhard4u]

Wannabedone, your post made me cry. It moved me because it was full of kindness, understanding and compassion. It also made me mad because, although I don't know you, I cannot imagine how anyone would think it's ok to treat YOU like that and cause YOU so much pain. Such undeserved pain.

 

Although I am very saddened to know that you are in such pain, knowing that there is someone else out there who is going through the same ordeal and who can relate to my story, makes me feel a little less isolated.

 

I absolutely identify with the following:

 

A man who has dumped me in order to settle his home life down and then come back. Constantly throwing me away like a piece of trash, then coming back.

 

Yep, that was xMM to a T! And every time he threw me away, I wanted to prove to him that I was worth keeping. Eeeww...

[wannabdone]

Wannabedone, your post made me cry. It moved me because it was full of kindness, understanding and compassion. It also made me mad because, although I don't know you, I cannot imagine how anyone would think it's ok to treat YOU like that and cause YOU so much pain. Such undeserved pain.

 

Although I am very saddened to know that you are in such pain, knowing that there is someone else out there who is going through the same ordeal and who can relate to my story, makes me feel a little less isolated.

 

I absolutely identify with the following:

 

 

 

Yep, that was xMM to a T! And every time he threw me away, I wanted to prove to him that I was worth keeping. Eeeww...

 

 

I know... I wanted to prove that I was worth keeping as well, and wanted to believe that love would conquer all. I just learned that it was MY love that was doing the "conquering", not his.

 

Youre post made me cry as well. Thank you for kind thoughts. I know what you are going through. And it is so hard.

 

God bless you. I'm sorry for your pain.

[wannabdone]

wannabedone, your post made me cry. It moved me because it was full of kindness, understanding and compassion. It also made me mad because, although i don't know you, i cannot imagine how anyone would think it's ok to treat you like that and cause you so much pain. Such undeserved pain.

 

Although i am very saddened to know that you are in such pain, knowing that there is someone else out there who is going through the same ordeal and who can relate to my story, makes me feel a little less isolated.

 

I absolutely identify with the following:

 

 

 

Yep, that was xmm to a t! And every time he threw me away, i wanted to prove to him that i was worth keeping. Eeeww...

 

 

oh and by the way.... You are worth keeping!!!!!

[SunsetRed]

Another thing that got me caught in the trap of wanting my xMM back was that there were many times he treated me really well. There are many aspects of that relationship that make it one of the best I've ever had..BUT the bad was really bad and was very degrading and hurt my heart deeply. I often blamed myself for whatever defective part of me made him take take away the goodness and love he had for me and replace it with rejection.

 

I've never had a break up hurt so bad and I'm 43 and have had other break ups, including a divorce. This break up hurt so bad I felt actual pain in my heart, including sharp stabbing chest pains.

 

These break ups hurt way more than a break up w a single guy due to the fact that immediately after the break up, the MM goes back to giving another woman the love and the life you want, while you go back to a life of solitude and singleness.

 

I personally, think that I've allowed myself to hurt far more that any human being should hurt. I've got to let go of my pain or it will kill me from the inside out.

 

I keep thinking of the quote someone on this forum uses. It goes something like this "i have a married man. he is my best friend, my lover and my husband." I actually love this quote so much, I've started using it in my affirmations so that I can manifest love instead of the pain that I've been feeling.

[Heart On]

I think there is something wrong with people who fall for obviously deceptive,manipulative,narcisssitic men and love addiction and codependency are why.

 

I was one of them and not just in my "relationship" with the xMM.

 

But within most of my romantic relationships.

 

I had a VERY unhealthy reaction to abusers and betrayers.

 

I stuck around for years too long and allowed myself to be hurt in the name of "love".Little did I know.

 

Now...I won't say everyone has the below issues,but really,without at least understanding the possible dynamics of WHY...we are doomed to repeat unhealthy patterns in love.

 

So in the realm of taking personal responsibility for at least my part,I had to look at my own demons.

 

It's not about BLAME...it's about owning our parts so we dont' feel so much pain in vain in the aftermath of an affair that in hindsight,was obviously self destructive.

 

http://www.fightbusters.com/Narcissism_and_Codependence.html

 

http://www.sexhelp.com/betrayal_bond.cfm

 

http://www.angriesout.com/grown20.htm

 

http://www.angriesout.com/family1.htm

 

To healing,evolving and forgiving ourselves for not knowing our patterns.

 

Heart on