Boyfriend and his well, "honest" views?? ( no idea what to name this)

[Fantasia]

Hi. I think this is my third post here since I signed up and I really like the responses so here's a little bit more of a personal dilemma, if I could call it that.

 

I have a boyfriend I have been with for quite some time...In general, we are doing great and get along well..

But here's the thing. I don't know if I am being overly jealous or paranoid or whatever.

But he comments a lot to me about pretty girls, or my friends whom he thinks are attractive, heck he even comments about whether or not he wonders if one of my friends had a nose job..(argh big mouth!!)

 

For example, we'd be talking and he;d say:

"Hey your friend ( inserted name)..I didn't think she was that great looking when I first saw her, but she's pretty attractive. Big eyes and everything. Does she have a boyfriend?"

"Your friend ( insert different name)seems like a very kind person, it's written on her face."

"Your other friend ( insert yet another name of my friend)..she looks like she got a nose job. You should ask her, hehe."

 

I get kind of irked, and he then tells me he just doesn't understand WHY I get so upset when he mentions these things...he tells me he doesn't get upset when I mention when his guy friends are good looking or whatever. ( I just say they seem nice and end it at that..I don't go on and on wondering if they have girl friends.) He says he is just saying his honest opinion, and it's not like he's hitting on them or having weird feelings or whatever. I am his woman, why am I getting so jealous, he wonders if I am having trust issues with him...

 

I am so sorry to sound so crazy, but my father cheated on my mother with his secretary, (who was also married, what the hell) and for a long time too, and I am so scared of being cheated on, I have this utter absolute fear of it. And I have seen the pain it has caused my mom (she had to go on medication and I visited her at the hospital every day and stuff for awhile) and I am so so afraid guys could have this innate need to cheat and act on it...I mean I never thought my own father could do that....argh it's messed up.

 

I even read up on personality traits on the internet and stuff that describe guys that are prone to cheat more than others...like background, or how charming he is, his personality.. etc etc...and when I read things that pertain to my boyfriend, I totally freak out. Are these accurate anyway?? And the fact that he notices everything about every female he sees and has to comment about everything...I don't know..am I being absolutely freaking nuts???

 

I think I need help or something sometimes. Or just not be in a relationship.

Thank you for reading, please do not hesitate to be brutally honest, it's what I need right now.

[dyermaker]

I even read up on personality traits on the internet and stuff that describe guys that are prone to cheat more than others...like background, or how charming he is, his personality.. etc etc...and when I read things that pertain to my boyfriend, I totally freak out. Are these accurate anyway??

As a side note--no. Cosmo quizzes can't assess the status of your relationship.

 

Let's start from the beginning, you asked for brutal honesty, and that's my forte.

 

There are two seperate issues, with similar solutions. Issue #1 is your fear of infidelity, Issue #2 is the innapropriateness of your boy's comments.

 

Issue #1 is something you need to reconcile with yourself, not your partner--at least at this stage. Part of a relationship is being vulnerable--in fact, that's a huge part of it. When you relate to another person, you can't expect to form a deep bond unless you open yourself up as well--and the adhesive of the bond is trust. Your trust with your father, freud would probably have a fit, was broken with his infidelity, because he wasn't just unfaithful to your mother, but to you as well--shattering that image of what a male's role is. But you need to end the obsession with infidelity. I can't promise you that you're never going to be cheated on, but I can promise you that you're never going to find a rewarding attachment if you're going to be focused on how it could go wrong.

 

You need to determine whether you have the caliber of relationship that deserves your trust, and if you can trust your partner--you can work through a fear of infidelity.

 

Issue #2 is a legitimate one as well. After you're sure that your uncomfortableness stems from inappropriateness, and not from a lack of trust--don't be afraid to communicate. I'm telling you you're lucky that he even knows your friend's names, but tell him that you'd rather not talk about how good looking your friends are, and then give him a reason. That's all that's neccessary, a reason--practice it your head, post it here--because I think with that introspection will come the realization that this shouldn't bother you as much as you think it does, but that's not to say it's out of the question.

 

Just as an exercise, if you have time, fill in the following sentence. Be prepared to do it more than once, if you have more than one scruple.

 

I don't like it when he talks about my friends because...