Was called a mean bitch the other day just because I have high standards.

[Eve]

It's not extinct with the men I date.

 

 

No one is going to argue that you *have* to pay for someone else's movie ticket. Some of the nicest things that people have done for me were things they did not because they had to but because they wanted to. They were also things done that they didn't expect something in return for in some kind of tit for tat race to the finish. If you are always keeping a check list about what you do and what your friends, family members or love interests do for you, you are going to forever unhappy. I was so grateful for the people in my life thinking of me and wanting to do nice things for me. Such as when my brother use to chance the oil in my car without even saying anything to me. Or a boyfriend bringing me home a Pumpkin Spice Latte without asking just because he knew I loved those. Or when my friends drive me to the airport without expecting anything in return. Or when my best girlfriend sent me flowers when I was sick.

 

You might want to check out a book called The Five Languages of Love. It shows 5 different types of ways people experience love. One language is gifts. The author, a PHD is clear to state that a person's interest in gifts isn't selfish. It might be how they were related to growing up or how they saw their parents relate. When a man takes you out to dinner, it's a gift. That's how I see it. And gifts don't have to be big, expensive or even have to cost money. One time an ex took me out on a date to a place where you can sit and play chess. It was one of the coolest dates ever and he paid all of 5 bucks for us to sit there and flirt and play chess while a bunch of old men watched. It was a blast. We where there for hours.

 

The problem with this self righteous "women are just trying to take advantage of me" mentality is that it's all about *you*. It's "me, me me". You are not asking yourself what you can do to show a woman you care. You are asking yourself what *you* get out of the deal. And that isn't a good sign in building a relationship. And yes, I also think a woman should be asking herself what she can give and what she can do as well to show she cares for a man.

 

While I do think there are golddiggers out there, your average girl dating your average guy isn't a golddigger. Some women might take advantage of you for your money and if you really fear that then first dates should be low key and not expensive.

 

 

 

I will remember that when my future boyfriend would like a no strings attached bj..meaning that I just give if from the kindness of my heart without expecting anything in return. Or when he wants us to watch the football game together even if I am not that interested. Or when he'd like a home cooked meal that maybe his mom use to always make him. The fact that he is a man does not in it self entitle him to any special treatment darnit! He is not entitled to have me cook dinners for him (with money I spent on groceries) just as he isn't entitled to cook dinner for me!

 

Lucky for you that there are women that are happy to pay for themselves on a date. And you would be best finding this kind of women. But don't condemn the women that require a different kind of partner. Just look for women that best fit into what kind of relationships you want to conduct.

 

Very nicely put across!

 

Never heard of a 'chump' before. I shall tell Hubby he is one and see what he says.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Woggle]

Guys, does it count if the woman cooks you a nice meal?

 

Very much so and I will repay the effort. I am actually very generous with people who don't feel entitled to it. I resent having it demanded of me though.

[Johnny85]

So I have been dating this girl two times and I am always buying her drinks, food and coffee. Although she doesn't drink a lot! I ordered a beer that quite frankly wasn't too good, and she picked up on that and ordered me a another beer (she paid). How would you analyze that? Rule of reciprocation? I found it quite attractive actually.

[Woggle]

So I have been dating this girl two times and I am always buying her drinks, food and coffee. Although she doesn't drink a lot! I ordered a beer that quite frankly wasn't too good, and she picked up on that and ordered me a another beer (she paid). How would you analyze that? Rule of reciprocation? I found it quite attractive actually.

 

It is certainly a good sign.

[Eddie Edirol]

Maybe Im nuts, but the women I date always offer to pay for dinner or drinks or tickets after Ive paid for the first couple of dates. They sometimes want to take over to show me a good time after Ive showed them good times. Who are these cheap women that never offer?

[ThsAmericanLife]

As I said some females want to pay their way 100% of the time and one must let them pay.

 

As a guy I am the same way. I cannot stand the idea of someone else paying for me.

 

But, the issue is not money. The issue is whether women like the concept of going out with a gentleman or some chump that is way to cheap.

 

what I resist is the all-or-nothing approach.. ie, the man ALWAYS pays.

 

If a man feels the need to always pay, then I get the impression he has something to prove in some bizarre way.

 

I don't feel the need to always pay my share, but I ALWAYS offer.

 

I dated a guy for about 6 months who always needed to pay. And on every date, I always offered. Every single time. We kind of laughed about it. Became a game of how many creative ways he could intercept the check. It was also kind of pathetic. Why he felt the need to do that all of the time.

 

No offense... He is a bit of a control freak though. In lots of ways. In his work and his relationships. I've known him for years.

[coolheadal]

I forgot I was in America. My bad. The men are different here.

 

I didn't walk out on him, but I don't want to see him again.

 

Dating profile? What dating profile?

 

And it's not shallow. When you bust your ass cleaning their entire place, doing their laundry and making sure there is a warm meal on the table for when they get home, they sure as hell be able to make up for the work and money I lost from staying home and doing all that for them.

 

Right right. This is America. No chivalry. Different mentality. *sigh* why did I bother making a thread about this...

 

 

First he was rude to call you a Bxxxx word in the first place. But I see what he's saying. He thought you were only interested in his money. No kids part was out of line also. How did you meet this guy? Best not to talk about kids and money on a date those are red flags on the first one. Unless you meet in on a chat site that would have given you idea of how he felt about kids and does he have money to support you. Being in a America doesn't change what you posted in the first post nor what you told him either.

[coolheadal]

what I resist is the all-or-nothing approach.. ie, the man ALWAYS pays.

 

If a man feels the need to always pay, then I get the impression he has something to prove in some bizarre way.

 

I don't feel the need to always pay my share, but I ALWAYS offer.

 

I dated a guy for about 6 months who always needed to pay. And on every date, I always offered. Every single time. We kind of laughed about it. Became a game of how many creative ways he could intercept the check. It was also kind of pathetic. Why he felt the need to do that all of the time.

 

No offense... He is a bit of a control freak though. In lots of ways. In his work and his relationships. I've known him for years.

 

 

Wow! Most girls don't like to help pay for anything. You're the first I've seen that offers. Too bad the rest out their don't agree. Selfish and greed is what out there. I don't like them to ask me how large of home I have or do I drive expensive sport car or do have a lot of money? These are the questions that come up. I am to have someone that's not into material things..

[ThsAmericanLife]

The reason I like to pay is proba:confused:bly the same reason some women refuse to let a man pay. I like to carry my own weight and I don't like to feel some sort of obligation by accepting someone else to pay the check.

 

If I find a woman that insists on paying I eventually let her pay her way if I read she is uncomfortable.

 

I don't think this is an issue of culture.. This is mostly related to income. When I was young and made less money I was less enthusiastic about paying for everybody.

 

Now that I have a higher income paying the check is negligible to my financial situation. Furthermore, I like to pay.

 

I'm sincerely curious.

 

What would you feel obliged for if you let the woman pay for half?

 

On other threads, we (as in the collective 'we'... not me and you 'we') talk about dating being 'practice' for a real relationship...

 

I take the whole who pays thing as practice too. Ok... if you are that financially well off (I'm doing ok, but I'm essentially a saver, not a spender) so I like to make sure I'm getting my money's worth.

 

Wouldn't this be a good opportunity to exercise how people share financial responsibilities and communicate such??

 

For instance, when I was married, we took turns balancing the checkbook... we came up with a budget together... all of our money went into the same pot (I made more than him, BTW)... and we decided together what our spending limit was. Ie, anything more than X dollar amount didn't require consultation from the other person.

 

As a result, we NEVER fought about money. Not once. Actually, I've never had a relationship where money was an issue. And from what I read, that is rare.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Wow! Most girls don't like to help pay for anything. You're the first I've seen that offers. Too bad the rest out their don't agree. Selfish and greed is what out there. I don't like them to ask me how large of home I have or do I drive expensive sport car or do have a lot of money? These are the questions that come up. I am to have someone that's not into material things..

 

Not like it is has gotten me anywhere....

 

Seeing how some men take letting them pay as a measure of interest.

 

Or don't feel manly unless they pay.

 

I really, really feel I'm just being consistent in my 'feminist' values... and that we all need to pitch in... work together to bail water out of this 'boat of life' we're all trying to sail through.

[2sure]

In my experience...no man wants to hear that you want to be supported, That you are shopping for a man to support you. Not men with money or men without.

 

Your standards are your own, they are personal and you have no need to defend them or explain them.

 

You would still be honest if you said:

 

"I would prefer to stay home for a period during the marriage if we had children - so Id like a spouse that can financially make that possible."

 

OR: I dont make that much. I would like a partner for whom that will not be a problem.

 

It isnt what you are saying really - its your approach.

[eatNrM]

In my experience...no man wants to hear that you want to be supported, That you are shopping for a man to support you. Not men with money or men without.

 

Your standards are your own, they are personal and you have no need to defend them or explain them.

 

You would still be honest if you said:

 

"I would prefer to stay home for a period during the marriage if we had children - so Id like a spouse that can financially make that possible."

 

OR: I dont make that much. I would like a partner for whom that will not be a problem.

 

It isnt what you are saying really - its your approach.

 

2Sure, I've always wanted to say this, if that's you in that avatar, you have a beautiful figure.

[Pierre]

I'm sincerely curious.

 

What would you feel obliged for if you let the woman pay for half?

 

On other threads, we (as in the collective 'we'... not me and you 'we') talk about dating being 'practice' for a real relationship...

 

I take the whole who pays thing as practice too. Ok... if you are that financially well off (I'm doing ok, but I'm essentially a saver, not a spender) so I like to make sure I'm getting my money's worth.

 

Wouldn't this be a good opportunity to exercise how people share financial responsibilities and communicate such??

 

For instance, when I was married, we took turns balancing the checkbook... we came up with a budget together... all of our money went into the same pot (I made more than him, BTW)... and we decided together what our spending limit was. Ie, anything more than X dollar amount didn't require consultation from the other person.

 

As a result, we NEVER fought about money. Not once. Actually, I've never had a relationship where money was an issue. And from what I read, that is rare.

 

I am allergic to money. When i was married I let my wife do 100% of the finances. As long as she put spending money in my wallet I was happy. I never looked at bills or the check book. I never paid a bill or visited my local bank.

 

The issue of money makes me uncomfortable but I recognize that making a good income makes life way easier. However, I am not happier now than when I was broke and in college. Making more money can sometimes be more stressful if one tries to live in the high END too much.

 

I am not concerned with how much return I get from my money. If I go to an average restaurant and I am served average food I don't complain. If I get average service I don't really care because the place is average. I don't know if that makes sense.

 

I pay because it gives me pleasure to pay, not because I expect anything.

 

If a woman wants to pay it is OK. I just hate the issue of dealing with the check. Money issues are ugly and I don't like to be around that.

 

I was a woman I would be turned off by men that are cheap because the issue is not money. The issue is being a gentleman with women.

[oaks]

I am allergic to money.

 

Send it to me and I will give it a good home.

[Pierre]

Send it to me and I will give it a good home.

 

I am uncomfortable around money. I find greed an atrocious trait.

[oaks]

I am uncomfortable around money. I find greed an atrocious trait.

 

Aww. I was going to spend it, not hoard it.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I am allergic to money. When i was married I let my wife do 100% of the finances. As long as she put spending money in my wallet I was happy. I never looked at bills or the check book. I never paid a bill or visited my local bank.

 

The issue of money makes me uncomfortable but I recognize that making a good income makes life way easier. However, I am not happier now than when I was broke and in college. Making more money can sometimes be more stressful if one tries to live in the high END too much.

 

I am not concerned with how much return I get from my money. If I go to an average restaurant and I am served average food I don't complain. If I get average service I don't really care because the place is average. I don't know if that makes sense.

 

I pay because it gives me pleasure to pay, not because I expect anything.

 

If a woman wants to pay it is OK. I just hate the issue of dealing with the check. Money issues are ugly and I don't like to be around that.

 

I was a woman I would be turned off by men that are cheap because the issue is not money. The issue is being a gentleman with women.

 

You seem to be a man of the world, Pierre (or maybe it is that dead-sexy pic of that Welsh hotty you have as your avatar!)...

 

Alright, I suppose I could maybe warm up to the idea that it gives a guy pleasure to pay... I'd still be suspicious... because I've always seen strings attached somewhere... and at the least convenient times!!

 

I could be guilty of trying too hard to make everything even... when not much in life is.

 

let's discuss what is ugly about money is... I agree that the 'negotation' could take the fun out of a date. I can see why someone who is flush with $$ wouldn't want to deal with that right off of the bat. But you would eventually, right?

 

Kind of like the whole multi-dater, STD discussion isn't fun in the early stages. Nothing romantic about any of that junk.

 

I'm with you in longing for a time when things were easier and well... assumed...

 

But I also love the freedom of making different choices.

 

So maybe a sense of humor is what is called for. I'm not there yet... but it is getting easier...

[ThsAmericanLife]

I am uncomfortable around money. I find greed an atrocious trait.

 

So, how would you screen for this on a date?

 

I'm guessing you are, perhaps, similar to me in some ways. I'm a great cook and can do lots of girly things, but don't want it assumed. If a guy came home and blurted out in a nasty way 'what's for dinner?" I'd tell him 'Pizza Hut. Here's the phone."

[oaks]

So, how would you screen for this on a date?

 

Let her pay!

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, I thought about this thread today when my FWB/lover asked me out on a real date this weekend. He suggested two options: a nice, datey Italian place with wood-fired oven pizza, and a cheap, divey joint that's supposed to have excellent New York style pizza. He asked me to think it over and let him know which I'd prefer.

 

He's not even my boyfriend, but I know that money is tight for him right now. And the truth is I just enjoy his company and have fun with him. So I really don't care if we go to the $3/slice place in a slightly sketchy neighborhood. I know that we'll have a blast no matter what, and if any weirdos come at us, he'll have my back.

 

This guy is 26 and very progressive about relationships in every respect. I think it's having a good influence on me and helping me move past some of my outdated, old-fashioned thinking.

 

The last guy I dated made a big production of taking me to expensive, high-end places for our first 3 dates. And I didn't have nearly as much fun with him as I have with this guy -- even if we don't spend a dime.

[Woggle]

Well, I thought about this thread today when my FWB/lover asked me out on a real date this weekend. He suggested two options: a nice, datey Italian place with wood-fired oven pizza, and a cheap, divey joint that's supposed to have excellent New York style pizza. He asked me to think it over and let him know which I'd prefer.

 

He's not even my boyfriend, but I know that money is tight for him right now. And the truth is I just enjoy his company and have fun with him. So I really don't care if we go to the $3/slice place in a slightly sketchy neighborhood. I know that we'll have a blast no matter what, and if any weirdos come at us, he'll have my back.

 

This guy is 26 and very progressive about relationships in every respect. I think it's having a good influence on me and helping me move past some of my outdated, old-fashioned thinking.

 

The last guy I dated made a big production of taking me to expensive, high-end places for our first 3 dates. And I didn't have nearly as much fun with him as I have with this guy -- even if we don't spend a dime.

 

This is the kind of thing that would actually make me want to go all out the next time. If there is one thing most men loathe it is when people act entitled to certain things and it is demanded of them. I hate to paint with a broad brush but it seems many women have forgot how to inspire a man to want to treat them this way without making him feel like it is demanded.

[Ruby Slippers]

This is the kind of thing that would actually make me want to go all out the next time.

Totally makes sense. And I get the impression he feels the same way.

[PrissyCilla]

I was on a date last night with this guy. We began talking about relationships and what we look for in a mate. Since we were being open and honest, I told him I wanted a man without kids, and one who can support me financially.

 

He called me a mean bitch and said that I am shallow for not considering a man who perhaps isn't wealthy, but has "lots of love". He said I only want a man for money. His best argument was "Men with money don't know how to love women. They just buy them diamonds and expensive things and think that's enough". He said that men without money are the better kind, because they aren't shallow.

 

I'm beginning to think that the only reason I ever questioned my standards was because every man I have ever met didn't meet them.

 

Why does every guy think that if a woman wants a man with money, that she ONLY wants the money and nothing else?

You will never find a rich guy. rich guys don't like ugly fat chicks. You will be forever alone.

[LittleTiger]

You seem to be a man of the world, Pierre (or maybe it is that dead-sexy pic of that Welsh hotty you have as your avatar!)...

 

Sean Connery is Scottish! Dead sexy, yes, but definitely Scottish.

 

(sorry just had to say that )

[nofool4u]

Why does every guy think that if a woman wants a man with money, that she ONLY wants the money and nothing else?

 

Because you are tying your desire for a guy TO his money.

 

I hate to say it, but the only guy's you are going to get are guys that don't care if they are being played for fools. The kind of needy guys that have to buy their women.

 

No offense, but any self-respecting guy that hears a woman say they want to take care of them financially will run like the wind. A strong man wants a strong woman. Someone that has her own goals and aspirations. If it turns out a woman has those and later on down the line chooses, for example, being a stay at home mom, thats different.

 

If I was on a date with someone and they told me they want a man to take care of them financially, thats all I'd need to hear before saying, "Nice knowin' ya"