luvtoto Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 The last time I logged into Loveshack was about eight years ago, when I was going through a pretty bad breakup. The lust of my life moved on from me and got married, rather quickly, to another woman. Broke me. Haven't had a relationship since. Not much of a dating life either. I've remained single concentrating on raising my kids. While logged into my usual dating site tonight, his *new* pic and profile popped up out of no where as a "you might be interested in...". I looked in utter disbelief at first. I looked and then looked again and seriously looked again. Whaaaaat?!? He's married for goodness sake!! Immediately my heart started beating HARD!! I literally started dry heaving and started shaking. Aw man, I liked it better when he was happily married. The song "Don't come around here no more" just popped into my head. I'd like to add that I ran into him in July. He asked me a million and one questions and shot me "the look". Messed me up for about three weeks, then my mind moved on again. Either pigs learned to fly or hell just froze over for him to join a dating site. It's NOT his style. Just sayin'. Please give me words of encouragement to stay away from this man. He's toxic to me. Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Please give me words of encouragement to stay away from this man. He's toxic to me. Sounds like you're strong enough to stay away, you can do it! Just keep remembering all the bad feelings and the hurt when he left and ask, "Do I want to feel that way again?" Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 How do you know he is not separated or even divorced now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 How do you know he is not separated or even divorced now? I'm friends with his 24 year old son who loves me. Plus, his wife's status states single now and he's on a dating site. Plus plus, if he ever feels trapped, he runs. That has never changed about him apparently. I know he's running from her and I pity her. He can be ruthless in that aspect. That's what he does best. He's a bit of the grass is greener on the other side guy. I don't doubt one second that divorce is imminent. MY dating site? Really? There's more than a handful of other good ones he could choose from, but the one I'm on?! Seems a bit too obvious to me. My intuition is always right on the money with him. Eight years later, I'm still single. I must be prey to him. Maybe this is JUST what I need to see him for what he is. If I don't get closure out of this situation, I'll be surprised. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 Sounds like you're strong enough to stay away, you can do it! Just keep remembering all the bad feelings and the hurt when he left and ask, "Do I want to feel that way again?" No, I don't. He dumped me on my toosh. He destroyed me. I want him to see, to experience, the woman I am now. Best revenge is living well. I want vindication. Am I crazy for that? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 if he ever feels trapped, he runs. That has never changed about him apparently. I know he's running from her and I pity her. He can be ruthless in that aspect. That's what he does best. He's a bit of the grass is greener on the other side guy. I don't doubt one second that divorce is imminent. No, I don't. He dumped me on my toosh. He destroyed me. Use your head then... Re-read what you wrote... You actually think that if you got back with him it would be any different ? Maybe you should re-read this part... if he ever feels trapped, he runs. That has never changed about him apparently. I know he's running from her and I pity her. He can be ruthless in that aspect. That's what he does best. He's a bit of the grass is greener on the other side guy. I don't doubt one second that divorce is imminent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 Use your head then... I will NOT be the same woman this time. Couldn't if I tried. I just might surprise myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 Starting to feel a bit better. The initial shock is wearing off. Whew!! My head is starting to work again. But, is is superficial? When I am anywhere near him I completely freak!! Will I ever get over that?! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 When I am anywhere near him I completely freak!! Will I ever get over that?! Unknown. Therapy, IME, helps. IMO, it's a strong emotional memory which has been improperly processed, as evidenced by you admitting all the negatives but still being drawn like the moth to the flame of destruction. After this long, I'd think a healthy relationship would do you some good, even if short-lived. Perspective. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 Unknown. Therapy, IME, helps. IMO, it's a strong emotional memory which has been improperly processed, as evidenced by you admitting all the negatives but still being drawn like the moth to the flame of destruction. After this long, I'd think a healthy relationship would do you some good, even if short-lived. Perspective. Good luck. Moth to a flame of destruction...I like that analogy. Yes, improperly processed strong emotional memory. I agree with that 100%. What caused it to process improperly? I would love to know why I react the way I do when I see him or hear of him. Therapy sounds expensive. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 You may not have been properly socialized with the tools to erect and accept healthy boundaries and *feel* them, elementally. I wasn't. In my world, people were predominantly good and I was taught to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Therapy (MC) helped with that. Cost me around five grand, though I think my exW paid for a session or two. Best money I ever invested. Took it out of my lawyer's budget. I recall, a couple weeks ago, getting what ultimately turned out to be a trojan-generated e-mail from my old MW's computer (spam). Seeing her name after a couple of years still tickled that emotional memory, one with 25+ years of history, but within a minute the tools of processing that emotion (courtesy of MC) kicked in and I thought through it and dismissed it and was back to being emotionally neutral within an hour. The same functionality operates when I hear about my exW and her BF. It's the processing which makes the results healthy. Accepting the emotions and processing them in a healthy way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 (edited) In the last couple hours I keep having these positive emotional sparks in my thinking process. Sparks of sanity telling me that I'm waaaay too much woman for him and that it sucks to be him right now. What comes around DOES go around. I must be out of my mother flippin' mind right now to even consider being with him again. I see through him. If he ever wants me back in his life he'll have to beg, plead and grovel like the dog that he is. Ruff. Ruff. He needs to take some responsibility for the his demise of his marriage. Getting on a free dating site complaining in his profile about his control-freak ex-wife?!?!? SERIOUSLY??!?! That is just a window into the kind of life I would have with his sorry butt. What a low class jerk. Boo friggin hoo. I wish him luck in finding a woman that will put up with his...dang I wish I could cuss!!! Enjoy the pain brother. Enjoy the pain. :D:D:D:D:D:D I SUDDENLY FEEL FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D Edited October 2, 2011 by luvtoto Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 I just deleted my okcupid account. Bam! Problem solved! ~ I also logged into facebook, deleted his son as a friend and blocked them both from my life. I'm free, guys. I win. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 If this works long term for you, then that is your path. In MC I learned the concept of equity, ownership and health. Applying those concepts here, we (I use my fMW and/or exW as examples) each had our own responsibilities in the failure of our relationship and each are free to own them or not. I own mine and reflect upon the dynamic as unhealthy for both of us. Health is accepting we both played our parts and perhaps learned some life lessons. It is now the past. I wish them well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 If this works long term for you, then that is your path. In MC I learned the concept of equity, ownership and health. Applying those concepts here, we (I use my fMW and/or exW as examples) each had our own responsibilities in the failure of our relationship and each are free to own them or not. I own mine and reflect upon the dynamic as unhealthy for both of us. Health is accepting we both played our parts and perhaps learned some life lessons. It is now the past. I wish them well. Exactly! Just goes to show how unhealthy he is. Doesn't sound like he's taking any responsibility in the failure of their relationship. To resort to name calling on an online dating site? Like I said, that is very low and immature. He has tough road ahead of him. I wish him well. Wow. I really have changed! Don't know who he thinks he's messin' with. That girl no longer exists. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Eventually it will process to a neutral emotional state where 'low' and 'immature' won't even be features of the language. As I like to say, 'it is what it is' and 'life goes on'. His path is his path. Would it matter if he was one of the billions of strangers out there in the world? It might, if at all, for a brief moment, and then be over with. Another issue I worked on in MC (more privately) was the 'living outside myself' concept of being overly and unhealthily concerned and/or preoccupied with the 'roads' of others. The work was paying more attention and care to my own 'road' and leaving others to do the same for themselves and accepting their 'road' as their truth. This perhaps may be more applicable to male psychology than female but I offer it as one positive effect of the process. IMO, success will be indicated by your emotional response if/when you do have contact with him in the future. I hope it goes well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 IMO, success will be indicated by your emotional response if/when you do have contact with him in the future. I hope it goes well. Yes, I agree. It will happen. He's just the type to do it. At least, I don't feel blinded anymore. The man is incapable of loving another person respectfully. I WILL RISE ABOVE THE B.S. I WILL GET THE RESPECT I DESERVE. Behind every bitch is the man that made her that way. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 How do you feel right now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 I made a bunch of chocolate chip cookies an did the laundry. Was feeling pretty good. Euphoric a bit. Now, I'm sitting and ruminating. Wondering and relishing in how miserable he is. Glad he's miserable. Almost feeling a bit vindicated. But, having waves of anxiousness. Still feeling shock waves that he is actually getting divorced. I always resented his ability to move on so quickly from me. Now I know the truth. Need to credit myself for canceling my okcupid account. Feeling pretty dang proud of that. I'm the best he's ever had. He knows it. I know it. Just giving myself credit where credit is due. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 That break up really hurt you. Do you think that maybe you're ready to move on now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 That break up really hurt you. Do you think that maybe you're ready to move on now? Move on? Not sure if I can overcome my subconscious tendencies. Standing up for myself, believe in myself, stay positive, hold my head up high, avoid him, keep no contact...yep, I can do that!~ Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Cool and the gang It was 8 years ago that you split up, yes? Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 Cool and the gang It was 8 years ago that you split up, yes? Well, let's see. Seems like forever that I've loved him. 2004 was our breakup. I was an emotional wreck back when we dated. No where near the kind of person I am now. Not even close. Being alone the last few years has taught me to be strong. I know for a fact that I would knock his socks off with the new me. He's curious about it. What are the chances that he'd join okcupid and his profile would pop up on my screen? Seriously?! Then, run into him in a store two months before his divorce? He could not ask enough questions about me and how my life is going. He asked me things from eight years ago. He wanted to know how things turned out. How I handled things. He even commented that he searched for my kids on facebook out of curiosity. I am just having a hard time blaming him for the demise of our relationship so many years ago. Then, I think...would it work out? I told a couple friends today who told me to be open to the idea and have fun with it. At this point I'm just relishing in the idea of him being single again. How do I get this man out of my system? Do I want him out of it? Think I ... thought I...had power. I don't. Not one bit. No man has ever winked at me the way he does. No man has ever put his hand on the small of my back to lead me through a room. No man has ever looked at me the way he does...did...still did in the store that day. Ooooohhhhhh....Lord. I got it bad. I almost feel....well....broken. Sorry for the unfiltered babbling. If you are at the end of this and still reading. Thank you for your support. You are a very caring individual. Link to post Share on other sites
Nsweet Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Oh, he is chasing after you! Play it cool and don't leap into his arms right away and you'll be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 4, 2011 Author Share Posted October 4, 2011 Oh, he is chasing after you! Really? I just figured it was just luck that all those weird things were happening. Link to post Share on other sites
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