betterdeal Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 What's the longest he's gone without being involved with someone? I think that, generally, it's a good thing for everyone to spend some time properly single before getting into something. Practically, it gives us the experience of being able to live without having someone to cling to and in most relationships there will be times when you'll be apart, either physically or emotionally. Just sayin'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 4, 2011 Author Share Posted October 4, 2011 What's the longest he's gone without being involved with someone? I think that, generally, it's a good thing for everyone to spend some time properly single before getting into something. Practically, it gives us the experience of being able to live without having someone to cling to and in most relationships there will be times when you'll be apart, either physically or emotionally. Just sayin'. Before he met me he was single for quite some time. He kept telling me how glad he felt finally back in a relationship. I was a blessing to him. I dug him out of the pits of despair after his divorce from his first wife. I looked on Match.com, his profile was no where to be found. I looked on Zoosk. No profile. I'm not on either of those. But, I am on okcupid. Just reeeling with the fact that he might really be hunting me down. Did he really think it would be that easy to get me? So, I am back on Zoosk. Deleted okcupid. I think that serves him right. If he ever tries to get me back, I will make him grovel. This is my time. If he doesn't have the character to do that, then he doesn't get me. Anyone got any salt for his wounds?! I'm stockin' up. Highly doubt if he'll get the balls to face me anyways. Really, highly doubt it. Link to post Share on other sites
ver13 Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 Move on? Not sure if I can overcome my subconscious tendencies. Standing up for myself, believe in myself, stay positive, hold my head up high, avoid him, keep no contact...yep, I can do that!~ From the outside looking in I think that you hit this right on the head and you are doing fine. He is what he is and you have seen that part of him that very few people will ever see. Count your blessing "Lady" and keep going on in the direction that is right for you. Sometimes we can go back, but when we get there the same people are never really around. An those that are just can't make it in the light of this thing that we call today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 (edited) From the outside looking in I think that you hit this right on the head and you are doing fine. He is what he is and you have seen that part of him that very few people will ever see. Count your blessing "Lady" and keep going on in the direction that is right for you. Sometimes we can go back, but when we get there the same people are never really around. An those that are just can't make it in the light of this thing that we call today. I am trying to keep on top of it, ver. Thank you for telling me I'm doing fine. Sometimes I really wonder though. I'm having a really bad day today My mind and heart are just running with it. So I've resorted to my gut instincts in this entire situation. The one big red flag that is flying right now is my reaction to his profile. Something told me to run when I saw it...now I'm trying to figure out why. I have to stay STRONG!! I instinctively deleted my account because my gut told me he was trying to get a message to me. His message was that he was single now. Look at me! As if he was doing the entire woman population a favor. I know this man very well. Ticked me off. He KNEW that would put me in a tizzy. He knows it. I know it. I am in a tizzy. He did it for a publicity stunt. His own little 'Press Release' to the world. My gut tells me he did it for attention from me. My gut, also, tells me that this is still just a game to him. Yes, I love him. He knows it. I know it. For some unknown reason, he loves the attention he gets from women who are hopelessly devoted to him. He is a very passive person. This stunt is just up his alley. He hasn't even logged in since I saw his profile. He's not looking for a date. In the past, I've never listened to my gut when it comes to him. Now, I am. Edited October 5, 2011 by luvtoto Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Wowww.. You are this worked up over a guy who you haven't even been with in eight years?? Honestly I think you need therapy, because this is not a normal or healthy reaction. In one breath you are gloating that you're allegedly over him, and reveling in the misery you assume he's in now (which I find very disturbing and sad).. and then in the next breath you're basically planning how you'll get back together with him. My guess is that he WOULDN'T actually have to grovel very much, and you'd run to him as soon as he even vaguely apologized or seemed a tiny bit remorseful. This all just seems SO incredibly unhealthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 (edited) Wowww.. You are this worked up over a guy who you haven't even been with in eight years?? Honestly I think you need therapy, because this is not a normal or healthy reaction. In one breath you are gloating that you're allegedly over him, and reveling in the misery you assume he's in now (which I find very disturbing and sad).. and then in the next breath you're basically planning how you'll get back together with him. My guess is that he WOULDN'T actually have to grovel very much,...blahblahblah This is my therapy. I really don't care how you perceive me. Have a great day. Edited October 5, 2011 by luvtoto Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 Wowww.. You are this worked up over a guy who you haven't even been with in eight years?? Honestly I think you need therapy, because this is not a normal or healthy reaction. In one breath you are gloating that you're allegedly over him, and reveling in the misery you assume he's in now (which I find very disturbing and sad).. and then in the next breath you're basically planning how you'll get back together with him. My guess is that he WOULDN'T actually have to grovel very much, and you'd run to him as soon as he even vaguely apologized or seemed a tiny bit remorseful. This all just seems SO incredibly unhealthy. Well, it seems to me that there has been something in your life to make you jadded, i'm sorry for that. I think if you are going to be a "debbie downer" you need to find a different website to criticize on, i'm being bold enough to let out my personal life to the people on this website looking for POSITIVE help/feedback. Maybe it's you that needs therapy, something has you SO incredibly bitter, therapy helps that also! It's called being in love with somebody, obviously you have this notion that you know everything? If I was going to go back it obviously would have happened by now, but it HASN'T. It's a support forum, not belittle somebody else forum. Have a nice day sounds like you need one. P.S. Couldn't help myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Stay where you are...you got a lot of growing and genuine listening to do before you can see that Make beleives post made a world of sense and addressed a true concern. Adults can handle the reality placed before them...you arent quite there yet ,,,,and that is okay too... Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 Stay where you are...you got a lot of growing and genuine listening to do before you can see that Make beleives post made a world of sense and addressed a true concern. Adults can handle the reality placed before them...you arent quite there yet...and that is okay too... What I find to be true is it's not always what you say, but how you say it. A sensitive and caring approach is called for when suggesting that someone needs therapy. It sure doesn't require standing on a pedestal and looking down on someone. I am not going to sit back and be disrespected like that. Not a chance. Thank you for your observation, Tayla. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 Today is going to be a great day. No panic today. He is not coming back for me. I am ok. Things are still great in my life. Nothing has changed. This is how I feel today. I choose to be positive today. Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 It's so funny how one event can conjure up so many emotions, so much turmoil. It takes a minute to shake it off, like a speed bump. All those feelings swirling around can be overwhelming for a bit. Good on you, keep right on processing it all, and have a great day Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 It's so funny how one event can conjure up so many emotions, so much turmoil. It takes a minute to shake it off, like a speed bump. All those feelings swirling around can be overwhelming for a bit. Good on you, keep right on processing it all, and have a great day Thank you, Shayla. Yes, it is funny how one tiny little event can conjure up soooo many emotions. Turmoil with a capital T! I've seen both sides of the spectrum with him. I've seen the awesome and the ugly. Half of me will always love him. Half of me will always know how much damage he can do to me. Just feels like I'm battling myself right now. The subconscious is a fierce competitor. Maybe I'm purposely bringing up the past wounds to remind me that he is no good for me. I will keep processing my feelings here. I feel safe proclaiming anonymously. This entire scenario is probably just in my head and I will continue to process it to get him out of it. Maybe it's daddy issues. Who knows. I'm just being honest with myself and not repressing anything right now. I'm feeling it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 Can't get over how fast I ran when I first saw him. Boom!!! Outta there!!! That was definitely my subconscious talking to me. My heart may not know how to handle things when it comes to him, but my gut does. Think I'll trust that for now. I am going to stay far, far away from that man, and trust my instincts. Next time he waves me over in a crowded store, I'll pass. Only ran into each other 3 times in the last eight years anyways, so I think that's do-able. Getting over him might not be something I'll ever be able to do completely or understand fully why I am so attached to him. However, dating other people, listening to my instincts, keeping my head on straight...that, I can do!! I'll be all right, and it will all make sense someday. I trust that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 Yesterday I joined a Social Activites Group in the city next to my town. There's about 129 people in it. Next week about 30 of us are going to a Halloween Pumpkin Patch farm, then heading to the bars afterwards. It's a very safe group of people. You have to go through a bit of an approval process. Some of the guys going next weekend I recognize from online dating. I WILL get through this. How do I know if there is a better guy out there if I haven't hardly dated anyone in 8 yrs? I think I'm ready for some healthy activities in my life. It's time to let go of the past. That's how I'm feeling today. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Keep on keeping, sweetheart Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 (edited) Thinking tonight...yea. Kinda lonely, I guess. More processing... Just can't figure out for the life of me why the heck he wants to keep talking to me every time he sees me in public. If I'm any where near his vicinity, he's yelling at me to get my attention. I was in the women's department and him in the men's. "Hey stranger!", he said loudly. If he didn't say anything, I wouldn't have seen him at the store that day. I remember a few years back, he saw me in the grocery store. He turned around like in a slow motion movie to see me. I looked at him, gave a small wave...then turned around and walked away. That was a bit 'FU' in my book. Did that deter him next time? NO!! Why can't he just leave me alone? I can't name of any other past boyfriend that I even slightly give a dang about or would yell down in a store. Is it his guilt? Does he feel responsible for me somehow? Does talking to me ease his guilt? ...or does he miss me? As God is my witness, if he ever tracks me down in a store again for our 15 minute "how's your life going catch up", I will ignore him. Ignore him HARD! From this point on, I am Ms. Unreachable. Yea, and I wonder why I'm not over him yet. Ooooohhh...good session tonight. Edited October 9, 2011 by luvtoto Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 Keep on keeping, sweetheart Thanks for the encouraging words, betterdeal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 If someone doesn't feel the same way as you do - walk off. Don't even give them the privilege of friendship because you'll suck yourself back into the delusion. Do things for yourself, keep busy, and keep searching for what you really want and need. Don't do what I have done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 Loving someone who doesn't love you back is the most impossible situation imaginable, especially when the love is so strong you are a slave to it. I am going through this right now. For those of you whose situation is similar, this is what I suggest: Deal with reality. Stop hoping, dreaming, etc. Pray and tell God that you forgive them for not being able to love you. Ask God to take this from you - and He will. Then continue to deal with reality. Don't tell yourself, maybe someday... they'll change... True love accepts the person for who they are, even when they are evil and they don't love you. It means accepting reality. When you love and accept reality at the same time, you are forced to move on. When you deal with reality and move on without love, you take bitterness with you. When you love without dealing with reality, you hurt yourself. Love the other person, Accept the reality and pray to God for the wisdom and strength you'll need to do that continuously until it ceases to become a problem. Source: internet article. I did not write that. Link to post Share on other sites
Diogenes Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 This where I think it is a good idea to keep a journal. I'm only three months separated from a 24 year marriage and just looking back in my journal from the first two months of dealing with it makes me totally reject the idea of returning to that hell again ever. Just looking at it makes one realize the fantasy we create out of desperate longing for what no longer exists. If you are still having such strong feelings after all this time it sounds like you either have not dealt with them, or have not had anything since happen in your life since then that replaces them in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 This where I think it is a good idea to keep a journal. I'm only three months separated from a 24 year marriage and just looking back in my journal from the first two months of dealing with it makes me totally reject the idea of returning to that hell again ever. Just looking at it makes one realize the fantasy we create out of desperate longing for what no longer exists. If you are still having such strong feelings after all this time it sounds like you either have not dealt with them, or have not had anything since happen in your life since then that replaces them in your life. Yea, the journal is helping me sort out stuff in my head. It just keeps coming. It's getting better though!! But, I'll examine my thoughts in a "pick my battle" kinda way. Sorry to hear about your divorce. That must be tough to go through. Journals really help sort out feelings, and to have them for future reference, I agree. I've had dates since being engaged to him. They seem boring to me. Not as romantic as he was. Can't seem to find a guy knock my socks off like he did. No one compares. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 Fighting with a feeling today. I keep getting stuck here... Why does he go out of his way to get my attention in public places? Why can't HE let me go? Why can't he let me walk on by? All these years and he still wants to know about my life, my kids, my mother, father & brothers? If I did that to a friend, it would be because I really care. I would never do that to an ex. Ugh. Who cares what they are up to. If I ever did that to an ex, it would be because I want them back. How am I supposed to process feelings I don't understand???!!! I know, I know...move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 Whenever I try to process this stuff I just go round and round in circles. I need to get unstuck somehow!! Link to post Share on other sites
Diogenes Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I know what you mean, I looked for years before meeting my wife at age 32. I'd almost given up on ever finding anyone, at least I had almost 24 years before the wheels came off, which is better than most, but hard to take now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvtoto Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Today I am realizing that processing all my thoughts might not be the best thing for me anymore. If I had to be COMPLETELY honest my problem stems from having obsessive thoughts. Just being honest here. I'm not going to feel pathetic or feel down on myself for it. If you knew about my childhood, you'd cut me some slack. I should cut me some slack. At this point, I just need to get rid of this obsession for good!! For my own sanity!! This can't possibly be love I feel for this man. It's just a huge UNHEALTHY obsession!!! There, I said it. Maybe, he's slightly obsessed with me too. I wouldn't doubt it. My reality is that obsession is not love. My next step is figuring out how to stop my obsessive thoughts. Seems as though the more I want to stop thinking about this entire situation, the I need to take care of my emotional health at this point. It's taking a lot to admit that I have a problem. From this point on, I will realize that the thoughts will be there today. I just won't get worked up that the thoughts are there anymore. Pretty much know they are there, but not pay attention to them. Put them on the back burner of my mind. I will NOT acknowledge these negative thoughts anymore, and I will not feed the fire. I'm hoping soon my thoughts will die down. Then, soon...I can move on. Can't think I'm a crazy person either. How many people in this world have racing thoughts?! It's an epidemic!! It's a chemical imbalance in my mind, I guess. Feeling good about at least figuring this out so far. I'm making progress in my emotional health. If I can free my thoughts, I can free myself from him. Link to post Share on other sites
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