"Cant go on anymore like this"

[girl_20]

i am in a relationship for a year and a half now, and we have had so many problems in that time. my insecurity is one of them. my boyfriend has wandering eyes and i hate it as i feel betrayed and embarressed. i have pointed it out to him lots of times, and he denied it every time, until one day he said that he would look at an attractive girl but thats all. i told him i hate it especially when he does it in front of me etc. i know i cant change him and never will, but how can i get over it. also we argue a lot. we can never discuss anything without an arguement. me being negative doesnt help either, but he is very short-termpered also. please help me, i really love him but neither of us can go on anymore like this.

 

thanks a lot,

 

depressed.

[Tony T]

Love has nothing to do with it. If he does things that obviously are very troubling to you and cannot change those behaviors, you only have one alternative. If the two of you argue often, you are negative and he is short tempered, there is onely one alternative. If the two of you are unable to civilly resolve conflicts and disputes, there is only one thing you can do.

 

You do not have a healthy relationship. You can seek professional help with anger and conflict resolution techniques if you truly value this relationship and your guy is open to that. It will take some time and a true desire to learn to disagree in a constructive and more civil manner. If there is an inordinate amount of disputes, the two of you just may not be compatible. Again, it takes a whole lot more than love to sustain a relationship.

 

A lifetime of going through the experiences you describe is not exactly what I would call a romance made in heaven. On the other hand, if you take your negativity into subsequent relationships, they may be doomed as well. Time for both of you to work on yourselves.

 

As far as him looking at other girls, although it is somewhat rude to do it in front of you, for some men it is very difficult not to look at an attractive lady. That doesn't mean he thinks any less of you, it just means he's a man who likes to look at women...nothing more. The way you get over that is to change the way you think about this...because it seems he's not going to stop doing it. If you stay with him, that's just going to have to be part of the deal. I'm sure, in time, this won't be quite as bad.

 

Your current relationship is salvagable but it's going to take some work to break away permanently from the very destructive course it's on right now.

 

I do wish you great luck in whatever you decide.

[Jenna]

Eventhough you mentioned several problems in your post- they all come down to one thing- your boyfriend is not meeting your emotional needs.

 

If we all enter into a relationship with these things in mind, "I am always going to consider the feelings of my partner, I will not do things that hurt and upset my partner"- we would be on the right path from the beginning. But just because you didn't start out that way- doesn't mean you can't start now.

 

If your boyfriend said and did things that made you feel beautiful, sexy and attractive... you might not be so insecure about him looking at another woman. By the same set of rules... if he understood the result of him doing so.. he might be less apt to do it (so indescreetly) in front of you. Having said all that- you need to do something too. You should realize that men are made that way- they are "supposed" to look- if they didn't- what would you think then?? Lets face it- women have beautiful bodies- I find myself looking sometimes- not in a sexual way- but just at the beauty. I don't think that when he is looking -he is imagining having sex with her- but rather just observing that she is a beautiful woman. Now, if he is walking in the mall with you and stops dead in his tracks staring at another woman, turns to you and says, "Damn!! I'd like to get a piece of THAT!!!" Then- you have a problem- but I seriously doubt that is the case here.

 

Tell your boyfriend that you would like to talk to him. Make him aware that you are going to try very hard to keep it calm and rational- ask him to do the same. Don't do this at bed time- choose a time when you both are mentally rested and in a calm setting. Tell him what you need out of the relationship- affection, attention, conversation...etc.

 

Ask him what he needs- and listen. Work on meeting each others emotional needs- seriously work on it. Don't do things that you know the other would be upset or hurt by. Consult the other if you are in doubt. Come to mutual agreements about how to spend your free time with each other. Be honest- so the other one is never in doubt about how you are feeling.

 

I know these things sound like a lot of work- thats because they are. Relationships take devotion- and effort.

 

If your boyfriend begins meeting your emotional needs on a regular basis- you will find that your insecurities will fade.

 

Good Luck. Jenna

Love has nothing to do with it. If he does things that obviously are very troubling to you and cannot change those behaviors, you only have one alternative. If the two of you argue often, you are negative and he is short tempered, there is onely one alternative. If the two of you are unable to civilly resolve conflicts and disputes, there is only one thing you can do. You do not have a healthy relationship. You can seek professional help with anger and conflict resolution techniques if you truly value this relationship and your guy is open to that. It will take some time and a true desire to learn to disagree in a constructive and more civil manner. If there is an inordinate amount of disputes, the two of you just may not be compatible. Again, it takes a whole lot more than love to sustain a relationship. A lifetime of going through the experiences you describe is not exactly what I would call a romance made in heaven. On the other hand, if you take your negativity into subsequent relationships, they may be doomed as well. Time for both of you to work on yourselves. As far as him looking at other girls, although it is somewhat rude to do it in front of you, for some men it is very difficult not to look at an attractive lady. That doesn't mean he thinks any less of you, it just means he's a man who likes to look at women...nothing more. The way you get over that is to change the way you think about this...because it seems he's not going to stop doing it. If you stay with him, that's just going to have to be part of the deal. I'm sure, in time, this won't be quite as bad. Your current relationship is salvagable but it's going to take some work to break away permanently from the very destructive course it's on right now. I do wish you great luck in whatever you decide.

[Deejette]

I once showed a man who was ogling other women how it feels, when I did the same thing in front of him towards men. I checked out their biceps, butts, legs, etc., until he saw how rude the whole thing was, and he stopped it. Sometimes it takes something radical like that to show someone their inappropriate behavior.

Eventhough you mentioned several problems in your post- they all come down to one thing- your boyfriend is not meeting your emotional needs.

 

If we all enter into a relationship with these things in mind, "I am always going to consider the feelings of my partner, I will not do things that hurt and upset my partner"- we would be on the right path from the beginning. But just because you didn't start out that way- doesn't mean you can't start now. If your boyfriend said and did things that made you feel beautiful, sexy and attractive... you might not be so insecure about him looking at another woman. By the same set of rules... if he understood the result of him doing so.. he might be less apt to do it (so indescreetly) in front of you. Having said all that- you need to do something too. You should realize that men are made that way- they are "supposed" to look- if they didn't- what would you think then?? Lets face it- women have beautiful bodies- I find myself looking sometimes- not in a sexual way- but just at the beauty. I don't think that when he is looking -he is imagining having sex with her- but rather just observing that she is a beautiful woman. Now, if he is walking in the mall with you and stops dead in his tracks staring at another woman, turns to you and says, "Damn!! I'd like to get a piece of THAT!!!" Then- you have a problem- but I seriously doubt that is the case here. Tell your boyfriend that you would like to talk to him. Make him aware that you are going to try very hard to keep it calm and rational- ask him to do the same. Don't do this at bed time- choose a time when you both are mentally rested and in a calm setting. Tell him what you need out of the relationship- affection, attention, conversation...etc. Ask him what he needs- and listen. Work on meeting each others emotional needs- seriously work on it. Don't do things that you know the other would be upset or hurt by. Consult the other if you are in doubt. Come to mutual agreements about how to spend your free time with each other. Be honest- so the other one is never in doubt about how you are feeling. I know these things sound like a lot of work- thats because they are. Relationships take devotion- and effort. If your boyfriend begins meeting your emotional needs on a regular basis- you will find that your insecurities will fade. Good Luck. Jenna

[girl_20]

Thanks for your reply Deejette. I am feeling a lot better about this and a little bit more confident, not fully there but heading on the right direction. Anyway I just want to say thanks but I already said it too him way back some time, how would he feel if I checked out guys etc.. and he said he honestly wouldn't mind as long as he knows that I am with him and noone else etc.. And I belive that he wouldn't mind either. The sad thing is I don't check out other guys in front of him, as I have a good heart and I know how it feels so I can't do it to him!!!!! Believe me I have tried but then felt guilty. Behind his back its a different story, of course I check guys out.

 

Anyway thanks again

 

girl_20

[Heather]

My fiance' and I have been together for a little over three years and believe me we have had way more than our share of problems. As for the wandering eye business, we have also been there. Now I have a question to ask you, when you see a completely gorgeous guy walk past you and you are with your boyfriend what do you do? Most girls will look maybe not stare but definitely look! You probably do it yourself and don't realize it. Now if your boyfriend is staring and eyes popping out of his head with you standing right there, then he needs to cut it out! But usually the reason why you have a big problem with this is because you are insecure about yourself.

 

When me and my fiance' first got together I could care less! It wasn't until I got pregnant and started hating the way I looked that we started to fight about it. We have now grown in our relationship where we know what upsets the other and do everything in our power to avoid whatever it is. You and your boyfriend have been together for awhile and if your problems with anything keep getting worse and you can't grow to understand each other, then I suggest couseling. If that does not work, then maybe it is time for the both of you to move on. Whatever your situation may be Good Luck!

 

Heather

i am in a relationship for a year and a half now, and we have had so many problems in that time. my insecurity is one of them. my boyfriend has wandering eyes and i hate it as i feel betrayed and embarressed. i have pointed it out to him lots of times, and he denied it every time, until one day he said that he would look at an attractive girl but thats all. i told him i hate it especially when he does it in front of me etc. i know i cant change him and never will, but how can i get over it. also we argue a lot. we can never discuss anything without an arguement. me being negative doesnt help either, but he is very short-termpered also. please help me, i really love him but neither of us can go on anymore like this. thanks a lot, depressed.

[Heather]

I do not mean this any sort of rude way at all, because I love the advice you give to others. You sound like a very wise woman. I am just speaking from personal experience. This in reference to something you said:

 

"If your boyfriend said and did things that made you feel beautiful, sexy, attractive...ou might not be so insecure about him looking at another woman."

 

While this could be true in some cases, it is not always and wasn't in my case. My boyfriend (now fiance') always tells me how beautiful, sexy, attractive, etc. I am and always has. But when he used to make it known to me that he was looking at other women while I was around I would flip! Okay this girl might not be like that but, from the way she described things she sounds just like me at that stage of the relationship. So she could be insecure about herself, her body, the relationship, etc. I just wanted to make that a point since I know what I am talking about on this subject since that very same thing happened to me about 2 years ago.

Eventhough you mentioned several problems in your post- they all come down to one thing- your boyfriend is not meeting your emotional needs.

 

If we all enter into a relationship with these things in mind, "I am always going to consider the feelings of my partner, I will not do things that hurt and upset my partner"- we would be on the right path from the beginning. But just because you didn't start out that way- doesn't mean you can't start now. If your boyfriend said and did things that made you feel beautiful, sexy and attractive... you might not be so insecure about him looking at another woman. By the same set of rules... if he understood the result of him doing so.. he might be less apt to do it (so indescreetly) in front of you. Having said all that- you need to do something too. You should realize that men are made that way- they are "supposed" to look- if they didn't- what would you think then?? Lets face it- women have beautiful bodies- I find myself looking sometimes- not in a sexual way- but just at the beauty. I don't think that when he is looking -he is imagining having sex with her- but rather just observing that she is a beautiful woman. Now, if he is walking in the mall with you and stops dead in his tracks staring at another woman, turns to you and says, "Damn!! I'd like to get a piece of THAT!!!" Then- you have a problem- but I seriously doubt that is the case here. Tell your boyfriend that you would like to talk to him. Make him aware that you are going to try very hard to keep it calm and rational- ask him to do the same. Don't do this at bed time- choose a time when you both are mentally rested and in a calm setting. Tell him what you need out of the relationship- affection, attention, conversation...etc. Ask him what he needs- and listen. Work on meeting each others emotional needs- seriously work on it. Don't do things that you know the other would be upset or hurt by. Consult the other if you are in doubt. Come to mutual agreements about how to spend your free time with each other. Be honest- so the other one is never in doubt about how you are feeling. I know these things sound like a lot of work- thats because they are. Relationships take devotion- and effort. If your boyfriend begins meeting your emotional needs on a regular basis- you will find that your insecurities will fade. Good Luck. Jenna

[girl_20]

Hi Heather,

 

I am the girl who sent the message, and I just want to say that what you said is 100% true. My boyfriend does compliment me on my body/looks etc, but that means nothing to me, when he looks at other women. I am sure glad that someone out there knows exactly how I felt.

 

THANKS HEATHER.

[girl_20]

Heather,

 

My boyfriend and I have finally discussed this problem in a mature why (without any arguing etc) which is great and I am beginning to think positive. I am an attractive girl, and a slim figure (size 10), but as you know yourself, us girls have some part of us that we dont like. Maybe I can conquer this problem - thanks to you!!!