SBC Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 (edited) I have seen this over and over here on LS, and my own exmm (exmm i guess?) tried the same thing after the 50th traumatic blowup "Let's be friends," he said "Ok, let's be friends," I said "I want to spend the night with you," he said. Hmmm. well, I am sorry, but friends don't have sex. So, we are going on close to a month now of contact (email, phone and about twice weekly we visit in person) but no sex. And the results are interesting to say the least. At first, I think I was sub-consciously worried that if I said no sex he would just dump me altogether (probably not a bad thing) but that is not what has happened. He is more attentive now than ever before. Now he asks about me, who I am, what I am doing, where I am going in life, etc. He still regularly asks to get down to business, but I always say no. The longer I go with saying no, the stronger I get in my conviction that if we are not a couple, then we are not having sex. I am not sure where it will ultimately lead, but it has certainly changed our relationship for the better --at least from my perspective. He would probably have a different take on it tho Edited October 2, 2011 by SBC Link to post Share on other sites
Kiraskrazy180 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Friends with benefits is probably the worse idea ever. It serves no real purpose, just sex. Someone either ends up falling for the other and that person ends up getting hurt in the end. In the end it was just a sex friendship, not a real one. A true friendship is about having one anothers backs and being there for one another, similar to a relationship. It's absurd to see another as a walking, talking, sex toy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SBC Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 Friends with benefits is probably the worse idea ever. It serves no real purpose, just sex. Someone either ends up falling for the other and that person ends up getting hurt in the end. In the end it was just a sex friendship, not a real one. A true friendship is about having one anothers backs and being there for one another, similar to a relationship. It's absurd to see another as a walking, talking, sex toy. But in their essence, isn't that what most affairs are? Link to post Share on other sites
Kiraskrazy180 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 But in their essence, isn't that what most affairs are? Yes, of course, but nothing more. They are getting your goodies, thats it. To me thats not a friendship, but a sexship. Affairs are for excitement usually, not friendships, unless they need a personal one-on-one mentor. In the end no one is going to leave their partner for you, after all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SBC Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 Yes, of course, but nothing more. They are getting your goodies, thats it. To me thats not a friendship, but a sexship. Affairs are for excitement usually, not friendships, unless they need a personal one-on-one mentor. In the end no one is going to leave their partner for you, after all. No one? As in no one has ever left their partner for their affair partner before? I think you need to do a little more reading here on LS. It has happened, and it does happen. Maybe not for you, but for others, oh yea, it does. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 The backpedaling to 'friends' from a sexual relationship with an otherwise (to someone else) committed partner has some risks, mostly dependent on whether and how much the other person has emotionally bonded. For the man who enjoys getting his wick wet and doesn't bond, cutting out the sex leaves him with no real reason to hang around, so he'll go somewhere else to get his wick wet. The same applies to women and emotional intimacy in the case of an EA. I've found the quickest way to get rid of MW's is to backpedal to being a 'friend' and requiring all the aspects expected in a true and equitable friendship. They disappear, since it's easy enough to hook another tampon with the lure of sex at the end of their monofilament. IMO, timing is key. Leave an elemental, even if situational, need unfilled for too long and it's bye-bye. For some people, they slowly disengage; for others, it's immediate and decisive. Friends or lovers matters little. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SBC Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 The backpedaling to 'friends' from a sexual relationship with an otherwise (to someone else) committed partner has some risks, mostly dependent on whether and how much the other person has emotionally bonded. For the man who enjoys getting his wick wet and doesn't bond, cutting out the sex leaves him with no real reason to hang around, so he'll go somewhere else to get his wick wet. The same applies to women and emotional intimacy in the case of an EA. I've found the quickest way to get rid of MW's is to backpedal to being a 'friend' and requiring all the aspects expected in a true and equitable friendship. They disappear, since it's easy enough to hook another tampon with the lure of sex at the end of their monofilament. IMO, timing is key. Leave an elemental, even if situational, need unfilled for too long and it's bye-bye. For some people, they slowly disengage; for others, it's immediate and decisive. Friends or lovers matters little. So what you are saying Carhill, for me, it is win win. He may decide that he loves the real me enough to do what it takes to be with me, OR he shows his true colors and dumps me for someone else. Either way, I have gotten off the emotional roller coaster. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 If you are accepting of either result as the truth, then win-win. IOW, if you are equally satisfied and happy with his departure as you are with his presence, then win-win. I can't speak for every man, but for myself, I've never continued a relationship with a woman who's backpedaled on intimacy. That is from the perspective of 'normal' interpersonal relationships as well as being an OM or MM. Once I saw backpedal, bye-bye. For other men, sex can keep them in the game longer because they see sex as a goal or sport. Unknown (to me) what kind of man you have. Each case is different. Hope it works out Link to post Share on other sites
Author SBC Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 I truly hate that it feels so much like a game, and the reality is, to me, it is not a game. I would not be equally happy either way, if he dumped me or if he did not. I would hate to lose his presence in my life. But I cannot continue on in the affair as it was. The emotional roller coaster that I would be trapped on after some clandestine sex was terrible. All in all, not worth it. So, if he dumps me because I have backpedaled, I know in the long run I am far better off. I do know that I am not easily replaceable to him, but I don't know what kind of man I have either. I guess only time will tell. I am ready to accept the outcome either way. Thanks for your input, I appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Based on his statements in the OP, he's going to continue to attempt to push your sex buttons and play upon, whether conscious or not, the oxytocin bond he's built up with you through sex. This is normal male behavior. If he wants to be friends, he'll gladly accept this change and be supportive of your life and times. In turn, as a friend, you'll be supportive of his, including his M. This is what friends do and are. His sincerity, or lack, will be evident in the weeks to come. Your work is accepting his words and actions for the truth they are, relevant to your boundaries. Then, act on those boundaries. I'm sharing this from the perspective of having processed a long-lived love interest to friendship (within myself) and sharing some of my observations from that process. Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I have seen this over and over here on LS, and my own exmm (exmm i guess?) tried the same thing after the 50th traumatic blowup "Let's be friends," he said "Ok, let's be friends," I said "I want to spend the night with you," he said. Hmmm. well, I am sorry, but friends don't have sex. So, we are going on close to a month now of contact (email, phone and about twice weekly we visit in person) but no sex. And the results are interesting to say the least. At first, I think I was sub-consciously worried that if I said no sex he would just dump me altogether (probably not a bad thing) but that is not what has happened. He is more attentive now than ever before. Now he asks about me, who I am, what I am doing, where I am going in life, etc. He still regularly asks to get down to business, but I always say no. The longer I go with saying no, the stronger I get in my conviction that if we are not a couple, then we are not having sex. I am not sure where it will ultimately lead, but it has certainly changed our relationship for the better --at least from my perspective. He would probably have a different take on it tho I stopped having sex with my XMM over two years ago. We grew closer than we ever did. He actually did more and more towards leaving...things he had never done before. But when a dday came..... he still did the same thing as always. And now I am hurt and more depressed than before. Funny, how something you would think that would make you more into the R, isn't really the fact. Link to post Share on other sites
Kiraskrazy180 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 No one? As in no one has ever left their partner for their affair partner before? I think you need to do a little more reading here on LS. It has happened, and it does happen. Maybe not for you, but for others, oh yea, it does. But no one wants the title "home wrecker". It could be you getting cheated on, you wouldn't like that either. I didn't mean to imply that NO ONE has ever done it before, but you and I both know it's not the right thing. If you want a frienship or "sexship" there are plently single men out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SBC Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 I stopped having sex with my XMM over two years ago. We grew closer than we ever did. He actually did more and more towards leaving...things he had never done before. But when a dday came..... he still did the same thing as always. And now I am hurt and more depressed than before. Funny, how something you would think that would make you more into the R, isn't really the fact. I am sorry for your experience But I am not really do the same thing. I am not trying to convert him by cutting off the sex --not at all. I am trying to maintain my sanity by not having sex. It messes with my head, and so for me, it is better. At this point, I have no clear thought on what we could become. If anything, I am thinking it would be better if he were to dump me entirely. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I am sorry for your experience But I am not really do the same thing. I am not trying to convert him by cutting off the sex --not at all. I am trying to maintain my sanity by not having sex. It messes with my head, and so for me, it is better. At this point, I have no clear thought on what we could become. If anything, I am thinking it would be better if he were to dump me entirely. SBC if you think it would be better if he dumped you completely why dont you dump him? Or just tell him that its messing with your head and if he is ever single to let you know and you can see where things are then? You have the power here too. You dont have to be in his life if its not comfortable for you. take back your power Link to post Share on other sites
Author SBC Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 SBC if you think it would be better if he dumped you completely why dont you dump him? Or just tell him that its messing with your head and if he is ever single to let you know and you can see where things are then? You have the power here too. You dont have to be in his life if its not comfortable for you. take back your power Oh, I have my power. I am not sitting around floundering, waiting on his next contact. But, I like when we are together. We laugh, and get silly. Its fun. We share a hobby that we both enjoy together. So, I don't want to lose that. but then the sex comes up, and I get annoyed, and then he gets annoyed, wash, rinse and repeat. I am slowly losing enthusiasm for the whole thing though, and I am sure unless he gets his crap together and figures out what to do, I will ultimately just walk away. No drama, no fanfare, just uh, see ya. For all I know, he may be feeling the same thing. Maybe our relationship's fate is to die a slow and pathetic death. And I guess I am ok with that. I have made my stand, and I am not budging. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I think too many people underestimate the connection someone can have with a person. You might now call yourselves friends but in all you are opening yourself emotionally to be hurt. It doesn’t seem like it since you are at the wheel. He is enjoying this “game” because he wants the end result that you won’t give. Men enjoy a challenge. In that challenge you might get your feelings hurt all over again. Think about it. Not because it’s a safe relationship doesn’t mean it’s a happy one. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I stopped having sex with my XMM over two years ago. We grew closer than we ever did. He actually did more and more towards leaving...things he had never done before. But when a dday came..... he still did the same thing as always. And now I am hurt and more depressed than before. Funny, how something you would think that would make you more into the R, isn't really the fact. I can relate... I think using sex as a bargaining chip often backfires. Abstaining does more good than harm in terms of your own dignity, but if it is to get something else, often times it may lead to disappointment and may not matter one bit in terms of what a man will or won't do, as that depends on his true feelings and you really can't manipulate or bargain for love. SBC to your actual post....are you still interested in being with this man? Friends don't have sex neither do friends have secret friendships, romantic desires for each other and they don't beg each other for sex. Friends don't care who friends date and there are no hidden motives, testing, romantic desires and the like going on. My reading of your post is that you're saying you're friends and abstaining from sex as a sign of friendship but in the mean time he still wants sex and you still want him and his wife still doesn't know you're friends. Please correct me if my understanding is inaccurate. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Yeah, if he had said 'let's be friends' and not followed it with "I want to spend the night with you', then my confidence in sincerity about the friends part would be raised. As it is, he's a less than adept master of the word. Most MM's I've known are more practiced than that. More smooth. They'd weave a believable story which tugs at the heartstrings before pulling the 'spend the night' line. Oh, well Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Scenario 1: Keep the OW around as "friends" in hope there will be a weak moment and OW will put out or Scenario 2: No contact = no chance. Don't fool yourself. Most men would choose Scenario 1. Very true! As I have said in another thread....NOT ONE man I have known who has asked to be my friend has been genuine. They all want to use it as a foot in the door, and hope that in some moment of weakness I'll have sex with them! Genuine friendships just do not form in that way...so usually anything like that, especially with someone you've been involved with and still have feelings for...no matter if you try to say it's a friendship....it's not and then you have to consider what you're REALLY hoping for and if what you're doing will achieve that end. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I think too many people underestimate the connection someone can have with a person. You might now call yourselves friends but in all you are opening yourself emotionally to be hurt. It doesn’t seem like it since you are at the wheel. He is enjoying this “game” because he wants the end result that you won’t give. Men enjoy a challenge. In that challenge you might get your feelings hurt all over again. Think about it. Not because it’s a safe relationship doesn’t mean it’s a happy one. Great insight! It's true. One of my male friends who is the ultimate dog and player... But who has taught me a lot about certain men, told me that very same thing. He will chase a woman (mind you, he has a gf whom he claims to love) for months and months and she won't have sex and he says it makes him want it more, then the minute he gets it, he tires of her and he thinks he just likes the chase and challenge. But it goes to show that a man can stick around and chase you for as long as you hold out and make it appear that he cares when he does not have any plans of being serious about you....so be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Presuming the ultimate dog and player wasn't/isn't celibate, where was his noodle getting wetted all those months and months of 'chasing'? IME, these guys have multiple 'hooks in the water' and merely go from pole to pole as they get nibbles. If they're married/LTR, they can always go to the 'store' (their wife/GF) if the fish aren't biting. It's all about choice. We each choose what we want, how we want it and when we want it. I hope the OP's choice has positive results for her. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I have seen this over and over here on LS, and my own exmm (exmm i guess?) tried the same thing after the 50th traumatic blowup "Let's be friends," he said "Ok, let's be friends," I said "I want to spend the night with you," he said. Hmmm. well, I am sorry, but friends don't have sex. So, we are going on close to a month now of contact (email, phone and about twice weekly we visit in person) but no sex. And the results are interesting to say the least. At first, I think I was sub-consciously worried that if I said no sex he would just dump me altogether (probably not a bad thing) but that is not what has happened. He is more attentive now than ever before. Now he asks about me, who I am, what I am doing, where I am going in life, etc. He still regularly asks to get down to business, but I always say no. The longer I go with saying no, the stronger I get in my conviction that if we are not a couple, then we are not having sex. I am not sure where it will ultimately lead, but it has certainly changed our relationship for the better --at least from my perspective. He would probably have a different take on it tho Friends don't need support from the OW board with every move and word put forth for discussion and dissection. If friends bring one to such a point they are not likely a good (healthy) friend. I'd leave them behind. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 Presuming the ultimate dog and player wasn't/isn't celibate, where was his noodle getting wetted all those months and months of 'chasing'? IME, these guys have multiple 'hooks in the water' and merely go from pole to pole as they get nibbles. If they're married/LTR, they can always go to the 'store' (their wife/GF) if the fish aren't biting. It's all about choice. We each choose what we want, how we want it and when we want it. I hope the OP's choice has positive results for her. Listen to this....he is so twisted. His gf whom he claims he wants to marry, does not believe in sex before marriage (although they do everything but ). So he says he respects that and promised her he wouldn't go back on that....so he just has sex with other people (without her knowledge). It is such a mess.... So while he is chasing other women, sometimes he has sex with another one who he has already gotten, while some new one entices him that he is currently chasing. In his mind though, this is all fine...he is inlove with his gf and wants to marry her and "respects" her wishes of not having sex, so he doesn't force the issue, he just has sex with other people without her knowledge and it's A-Ok....smhhh! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts