Vicious, spiteful sisters really getting me down :(

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I am seriously at the end of my tether with how my 2 younger sisters treat me. For years there seems to have been a pattern where they will do awful things to me, I will get upset and then they punish me further for getting upset. Punishment is worse if I actually lose my temper/cry/stand up for myself. Without boring you all with every incident - the issues I'm having to deal with are:

 

- Blaming me for things that are not my fault. Some of the things I am blamed for are pretty major.

 

- Accusing me of doing things so bad that I question how well they actually know me.

 

- Ostracising me whilst already being fully aware I am lonely and depressed, and all ganging up together on me, sometimes involving their friends and partners. So it can be several people against me with no one to defend me.

 

- Undermining me, belittling me, putting me down and invalidating me, often in front of large groups of people but usually when alone so I can't prove to anyone else and it's my word against theirs.

 

- Leaving me out of things, deliberately uninviting me to things, making me feel unwelcome.

 

- Witholding 'prizes' from me that I have to 'earn' or 'beg for' in a kind of 'punishment and reward' dynamic.

 

- Refusal to meet my fiance, no interest in my fiance, and putting our relationship down. Most recent incident was where both sisters insinuated they did not want to come to our wedding in a really bitchy way, this was in front of other people as well, and totally unprovoked. I felt so so so upset by this - how could they have no interest in seeing their own sister get married??? Urgh

 

A few recent incidents were just too upsetting for words, I cannot even bring myself to look at them or talk to them, I attempted writing one of them an email yesterday expressing how I felt but had to stop half way and save it to draft as it was getting me far too upset and I ended up crying for 2 hours :'(

 

I am actually on holiday by myself right now, and I am spending much of my time with these tormenting thoughts of them. My fiance is very concerned about my behaviour as I get so depressed about them plus other things, that I have almost DAILY meltdowns. He is finding it hard to deal with and I feel guilty being a burden as he deserves better. I am forever asking myself and others WHY they are like this to me, WHY other people refuse to see the truth about the situation etc. Things my fiance tells me I will never have answers to.

[january2011]

They've made your life miserable. What is holding you back from cutting them out of your life completely? Where do your parents and the rest of your family fit in?

 

If they are behaving like this in front of other people, why has no one stepped in to support you?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

They've made your life miserable. What is holding you back from cutting them out of your life completely? Where do your parents and the rest of your family fit in?

 

If they are behaving like this in front of other people, why has no one stepped in to support you?

 

My parents have no interest, I have unfortunately and unfairly always been the black sheep, they have made it clear from when I was very young that my sisters were more loved by them than I was Suffered emotional and physical abuse from my parents all my life, I feel so s*** about myself. My guy and a couple of close friends have said they think part of the reason my sisters pick on me is because they have watched my parents do the same and think it is ok to use me as a punchbag.

 

I thought long and hard about cutting them out totally but it is hard right now as I am in a situation where I will have to see them.

 

Yes that is another 'why' that I torment myself with - why no one stands up for me. Well it may be because the people they do it in front of are THEIR friends/partners or my Mum and Dady so their loyalties lie with my sisters which is very upsetting - that they can't or wont speak up. It seriously makes me feel so alone.

[Lucky_One]

Is this the same fiance you were going to break up with in January?

 

Heartbroken, I really really believe that you would be best served by seeing a psychiatrist, and by taking any suggested meds that he/she prescribes for you. Your depression has been/is severe, and this isn't a good forum for really helping posters with severe depression/anxiety.

 

Good luck!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Is this the same fiance you were going to break up with in January?

 

Heartbroken, I really really believe that you would be best served by seeing a psychiatrist, and by taking any suggested meds that he/she prescribes for you. Your depression has been/is severe, and this isn't a good forum for really helping posters with severe depression/anxiety.

 

Good luck!

 

Yes it is the same fiance, it felt like the right thing to do in January but at the time I wasn't thinking straight due to having a particularly severe bout of depression at the time therefore it turned out to be a bad decision. He knew this, and would not agree to end it! Glad he made me see sense, he is the only stability I actually have in my life. I am lucky to have him.

 

But anyway - why does that matter right now? The topic in this thread is about how I feel about my sisters, and whether I am depressed or not - the way they treat me is appalling and I am asking for help regarding the situation.

 

I have been down the therapy route many times, but it is not enough for me plus it is very expensive. It is hard to find a therapist who 'gets' you. I do not believe meds are the answer so will not take them.

[Lucky_One]

Psychotherapy is free of charge under the NHS, if you are referred by your GP.

 

While you may believe that therapy is not enough for you, it is a better alternative than relying on LS for coping strategies. When you have gotten posts here that have hurt your feelings in the past, you became distraught and had a very hard time dealing; I think that professional help is a far better help for you.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Psychotherapy is free of charge under the NHS, if you are referred by your GP.

 

While you may believe that therapy is not enough for you, it is a better alternative than relying on LS for coping strategies. When you have gotten posts here that have hurt your feelings in the past, you became distraught and had a very hard time dealing; I think that professional help is a far better help for you.

 

I have recently moved areas and when I saw the Dr. he just fobbed me off with stupid AD meds when I asked for counselling. I would like to have some more therapy as like you said, it is better than having nothing at all.

 

I had a meltdown yesterday and today, finding it difficult to cope and I am away on holiday alone - so thought I would see if writing it all down on Loveshack could help.

 

I know you are only trying to protect my feelings in case a nasty poster comes in and flames me and for that I thank you However I feel I would be able to handle it if they did, well as long as they didn't get too nasty!

[january2011]

I don't know your background. But I think that you really need to consider cutting them all out of your life. Familial support is no support at all when it comes in the form of emotional abuse. I'm going to second Lucky_One and suggest that you seek professional help. If you are allowing people, albeit immediate family, to continue to treat you poorly believing that you have no other choice, I think that you really need to be a stronger place before you can confront them. Professional help will put you on that path.

[Micki]

Awww....hugs to you, heartbroken.

 

I'm so sorry that you are feeling alone and lonely at this time.

 

But look at the positive things in your life. At least you have a man that loves you and you will be married soon.

 

Do you have any cousins and close friends who can support you as well?

[KathyM]

Minimize contact with these toxic people in your life (sisters and parents). They are being emotionally and verbally abusive to you. If people are treating you badly, you don't stay there and take the abuse, you leave. You are no longer a child without power. You have the power now to choose who you will have in your life and who you won't. Minimize contact, or terminate contact alltogether. If there are times when you must be in contact with them, then be assertive when they say or do things that are out of line. If they say hurtful things, you tell them in an assertive, direct voice "Don't talk to me like that." Or "I don't want to hear that from you." Or "Stop it." And if they don't stop, then leave the room or leave the house. Don't allow yourself to be abused.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I don't know your background. But I think that you really need to consider cutting them all out of your life. Familial support is no support at all when it comes in the form of emotional abuse. I'm going to second Lucky_One and suggest that you seek professional help. If you are allowing people, albeit immediate family, to continue to treat you poorly believing that you have no other choice, I think that you really need to be a stronger place before you can confront them. Professional help will put you on that path.

 

Well recently, after really getting my fiance down with my constant droning on and on, sometimes for hours each day, about how life is unfair because of how my sisters et al treat me - he made me realise I need to cut them out for a long time if I cannot handle the way they are towards me. This has been really hard to come to terms with, but I know it's the truth - they're not suddenly going to turn around one day and be sweet towards me/apologise for past behaviour.

 

However, my parents are now aware of the situation and have accused me of causing a family rift! They have also blabbed to my sisters about how I am feeling, in a sort of tactless and mocking way. The lack of support from them, and the fact that they have actually had the audacity to stir it is just too much to take. None of them have an ounce of respect for me, it is a disgrace - just talking about it now makes me want to smash a room up. It breaks my heart that none of them have an interest in my wedding next year, and I have also realised that when I have kids - my sisters will be aunties to them but I bet when the time comes they will not want to know.

 

So yes, I have decided I need to cut them out, but it is really hurting me to do so as I am scared it will give them room to say more bad things about me, and also the fact that I just want them to love me and they probably don't. All I have wanted is for the relationships with them to work but they wont play ball. They wont miss me anyway, they are smug because they have their little team of friends/boyfriends behind them which I don't.

 

And now it's affecting my guy by proxy, as he has had his ear bent by me pretty much every day, and about 3 times per week I have a severe meltdown and he has got to the point now where he is worried about my behaviour and doesn't know how to cope with me anymore. He said he does not want to hear daily updates, as well as the same stuff regurgitated in a different way everytime, and that is because I sit thinking about it all the time and get myself in a state. So now he has taken action and limits the time we can talk per day (we are currently long distance so tend just to talk online). He is also worried about whether to commit to booking his flight to see me for my birthday as he is worried our trip will be marred by one of my meltdowns. Which in turn makes me upset with him and terrified he is getting fed up with me and the fear of him possibly thinking of finishing the relationship. Just feels like everything is spiralling down around me, I just wish things would change. Unfortunately my sisters and other family are not looking like they will ever change therefore I have a hard task ahead of me sorting myself out and how I react to things. But yes, I need some sort of help from a professional, even if it is just to take some of the load off my fiance, I feel awful driving him crazy so often but there is no one else to turn to when I have the tormenting thoughts.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Awww....hugs to you, heartbroken.

 

I'm so sorry that you are feeling alone and lonely at this time.

 

But look at the positive things in your life. At least you have a man that loves you and you will be married soon.

 

Do you have any cousins and close friends who can support you as well?

 

Thanks for the hugs, need them right now!

 

No other family unfortunately, I come form a very small family and they are pretty much all toxic. Have a few close friends but there's only so much you can talk to them about things like this without driving them mad. Of course I have a great guy but scared I am actually pushing him away with my mood swings and melt downs all the time. I don't want to lose him, he is my rock, but he finds my tales of dysfunctional family life very upsetting.

[january2011]

I just wish things would change. Unfortunately my sisters and other family are not looking like they will ever change therefore I have a hard task ahead of me sorting myself out and how I react to things. But yes, I need some sort of help from a professional, even if it is just to take some of the load off my fiance, I feel awful driving him crazy so often but there is no one else to turn to when I have the tormenting thoughts.

 

You need to start building up your own support network that consists of more people than just your fiance.

 

There are people around the world who cannot rely on their family for various reasons and so they have built up their own network of friends, colleagues and professionals. It is heartbreaking, but you have to find a way to survive. Even if it means treading water for a while until your head clears up and you know which direction you want to swim in.

 

And as you've realised, you cannot control how your family behaves, but you can control your own behaviour. You don't need to have toxic people in your life just because they are family. They don't care about their bond to you, so why should you care about your bond to them? They are not all you've got. If internet strangers can respond to your posts and be supportive then there are a lot more people out there who will be there for you. You just have to get rid of the bad people so that there's room for the good ones.

 

This is your chance to make a clean start for yourself and your fiance.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

You need to start building up your own support network that consists of more people than just your fiance.

 

There are people around the world who cannot rely on their family for various reasons and so they have built up their own network of friends, colleagues and professionals. It is heartbreaking, but you have to find a way to survive. Even if it means treading water for a while until your head clears up and you know which direction you want to swim in.

 

And as you've realised, you cannot control how your family behaves, but you can control your own behaviour. You don't need to have toxic people in your life just because they are family. They don't care about their bond to you, so why should you care about your bond to them? They are not all you've got. If internet strangers can respond to your posts and be supportive then there are a lot more people out there who will be there for you. You just have to get rid of the bad people so that there's room for the good ones.

 

This is your chance to make a clean start for yourself and your fiance.

 

Thank you for all your help January2011

 

I have always wanted a support network, but I seem to have attracted mostly toxic 'friends' into my life previously, I guess this is due to the way I feel about myself - I must be a magnet for these sorts of people. Just reconfirming that I must be a 'bad' person all the time, oh and gives my family even more room to talk - if the common denomenator in a situation is me - what does that say? That it is me with the problem, or so I have been convinced.

 

I would not even know how to go about getting a bigger friendship group, although good news that my fiance's friends and family are all lovely towards me so perhaps that is the way forward. Although I would preferrably like to meet people with things in common with me which seems impossible as I am such a misfit! Like I said my guy's family are great but nothing like me whatsoever, not one common interest and different values. Just feel so lonely, but I know there is no easy answer to all my underlying issues.

[january2011]

Adult evening/weekend classes, volunteering, meetup.com. All potential sources for making new friends who have common interests. Get out there and meet people. Even if you never see them again, having a pleasant 5 minute chat with a complete stranger and sharing a joke or two is a lovely way to pass 5 minutes. Try to exchange a few pleasantries with sales assistants and cashiers. Practise talking to people. Smile and say hello to the people you see often, such as neighbours, the receptionist at work, the postman.

 

Find a decent therapist who will help you to recognise and cut out toxic people in your life or at least will help you to find strategies to manage the fallout when you have to interact with those people.

[Micki]

Thanks for the hugs, need them right now!

 

No other family unfortunately, I come form a very small family and they are pretty much all toxic. Have a few close friends but there's only so much you can talk to them about things like this without driving them mad. Of course I have a great guy but scared I am actually pushing him away with my mood swings and melt downs all the time. I don't want to lose him, he is my rock, but he finds my tales of dysfunctional family life very upsetting.

 

You're welcome.

 

Heartbroken, personally, I would forget about those toxic people, and just concentrate on the good things. If your fiancee finds the tales upsetting, maybe you could try talking about other things. Why depress your fiancee and yourself by talking about negativity. Please, don't let your toxic family have that much power over you. January gave you some excellent advice about things you can do to find friends. Something else that could be worthwhile as well, is joining a big sister/big brother program or perhaps even becoming a foster parent one day. Try to be active and involved and please don't fret or linger about your toxic family.

[Tayla]

I had read up on the Cinderella Syndrome and not that its Entirely your tale I must concur that your "ugly" minded sisters fit the cast.

 

One can onlyTALK about a matter so long til the loved ones do Tire of it. Its your choice to continue that avenue, for we here have ears to be bent. I caution you though that sitting in a hole and saying HEY IM SITTING IN A HOLE Doesnt change the matter, you just keep validating where you are in the matter. Try to lift yourself out of this and understand that the only one that has the power to grow and love themself is you. Do know, you are indeed a valued being capable of far more then what your relatives say. You are blessed with so many gifts,,,use them. We are here to guide you thru this, take the goodness here and wrap yourself in it.

[Taramere]

Thank you for all your help January2011

 

I have always wanted a support network, but I seem to have attracted mostly toxic 'friends' into my life previously, I guess this is due to the way I feel about myself - I must be a magnet for these sorts of people. Just reconfirming that I must be a 'bad' person all the time, oh and gives my family even more room to talk - if the common denomenator in a situation is me - what does that say? That it is me with the problem, or so I have been convinced.

 

If the common denominator is you, I think that's probably because you've grown up in a situation where you were treated in an emotionally abusive manner, and perhaps aren't sure how to inhabit any role other than the victim, within relationships...because that's the role you've spent your family life being pushed into.

 

People who are used to adopting a domineering role probably smell that out and see you as somebody who will be easy to control. That doesn't make you a bad person at all. It just means you need, for your own good, to start developing the confidence to resist these people's efforts to control you in a toxic way.

 

 

My parents have no interest, I have unfortunately and unfairly always been the black sheep, they have made it clear from when I was very young that my sisters were more loved by them than I was Suffered emotional and physical abuse from my parents all my life, I feel so s*** about myself. My guy and a couple of close friends have said they think part of the reason my sisters pick on me is because they have watched my parents do the same and think it is ok to use me as a punchbag.

 

I thought long and hard about cutting them out totally but it is hard right now as I am in a situation where I will have to see them.

 

Why?

 

There's no law that says you have to invite family to your wedding. Frankly I can't think of a better way to signal to them that their behaviour is beyond the pale...and to start your new life off giving that same message to yourself. ie that you not only expect better treatment from people in your life, but you demand it.

 

I'm presuming that if you're getting married then you're probably going to think about starting a family of your own. Would you want to subject your kids to this bunch who made your life unhappy for so long? Is there really anything stopping you from cutting them out when their treatment of you is so consistently appalling?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

You're welcome.

 

Heartbroken, personally, I would forget about those toxic people, and just concentrate on the good things. If your fiancee finds the tales upsetting, maybe you could try talking about other things. Why depress your fiancee and yourself by talking about negativity. Please, don't let your toxic family have that much power over you. January gave you some excellent advice about things you can do to find friends. Something else that could be worthwhile as well, is joining a big sister/big brother program or perhaps even becoming a foster parent one day. Try to be active and involved and please don't fret or linger about your toxic family.

 

When my fiance and I talk online, I do try to stick to optimistic subjects but I quickly talk myself into a meltdown by mentioning things that upset me. There seems to be a tendancy for me to get obsessed with a situation that has left me feeling hurt. I need to get out of the habit though as I cry on him at least 3 times a week, on a particularly bad week it could be daily He seems to think I want a pity party, and told me to explore the reasons why I want others to empathise with and feel sorry for me all the time.

 

I hate that my family really do have this power over me even when they are not present. To think, I am in all this pain and they are just sailing along without a care in the world or thought of me. Well I guess, at the very least they must be very unhappy people with boring lives to want to make me unhappy, right?

 

Another problem with me is I have to have answers to everything, I get like a dog with a bone. I want answers to the impossible - like why my sisters (and others) treat me so badly. If I knew the reasons then it would make me much more content.

 

Despite how miserable I feel, I still try to make the most of life and enjoy myself. I am on holiday as we speak, although I have not socialised anywhere near as much as I would have liked to. I also spent most of my summer in this same resort looking for work but things didn't turn out as I'd hoped so had to leave after 6 weeks. It is tough as I do put myself in situations to meet new people but really lack confidence as to whether they will like me, so despite acting friendly and chatty with people - I wonder if I do give off some sort of stand offish vibe? I find that social situations make me feel very uncomfortable and paranoid unless I know the people well. Could that be why I always 'gave in' previously and hung out with my sisters and their friends cos despite everything, I feel comfortable around them???

 

It is also hard to actually enjoy my own company right now for obvious reasons, but again I make the best of it by not letting it stop me doing most of the things I enjoy. I got sick of relying on other people a long time ago, so rather than miss out on something completely I now just tend to do stuff alone like a Billy no mates!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I had read up on the Cinderella Syndrome and not that its Entirely your tale I must concur that your "ugly" minded sisters fit the cast.

 

One can onlyTALK about a matter so long til the loved ones do Tire of it. Its your choice to continue that avenue, for we here have ears to be bent. I caution you though that sitting in a hole and saying HEY IM SITTING IN A HOLE Doesnt change the matter, you just keep validating where you are in the matter. Try to lift yourself out of this and understand that the only one that has the power to grow and love themself is you. Do know, you are indeed a valued being capable of far more then what your relatives say. You are blessed with so many gifts,,,use them. We are here to guide you thru this, take the goodness here and wrap yourself in it.

 

Yes someone once said to me that my sisters behave like the 'ugly sisters'! Makes me shudder to think, they just do not even see themselves as doing anything wrong as no one is pulling them up about it, plus they have many more people in their 'side' telling them that I have the problem, not them. Perhaps this might be one of the reasons they are so reluctant to have anything to do with my fiance - because the thought of having someone to stick up for me could be too much for them! They also wouldn't like the thought of not being able to play up in front of my fiance, as he would turn around and tell them they are out of order.

 

But yes, it is a miracle I have done as well for myself in life as THIS. I remember talking to someone a while back who was rejected by her family and she turned to heroin. So hard to try and learn to love myself when I don't really have any external people telling me I am great. Although in many ways I am a strong character and survivor. I always get through the difficult times in the end, I am also able to function perfectly well on my own which none of my family seem to be capable of, maybe they are jealous of this and my ability to be fearless about most things in life. Compared to me most of them seem so repressed, sour faced, tunnel visioned, bigotted and refuse to see the truth about things!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

If the common denominator is you, I think that's probably because you've grown up in a situation where you were treated in an emotionally abusive manner, and perhaps aren't sure how to inhabit any role other than the victim, within relationships...because that's the role you've spent your family life being pushed into.

 

People who are used to adopting a domineering role probably smell that out and see you as somebody who will be easy to control. That doesn't make you a bad person at all. It just means you need, for your own good, to start developing the confidence to resist these people's efforts to control you in a toxic way.

 

Well I hope you are right, because I have been convinced that it is because I am a bad person. But interesting point about me automatically playing the victim in all my relationships, this is more than likely true. It has always been hard for me to see these toxic people coming, as some start out very nice then turn on me/let me down/betray me without warning which shocks me everytime! Altough emotionally vulnerable, I am in fact a very tough character in many ways. I have a strong personality with interests in things that push boundaries. My taste in clothes and jewellery etc is anything bright and colourful, so considering this I would have thought people would see me as confident, at least until they get to know me properly.

 

Another thing that sprang to mind as I responded to these posts is the fact that on rare occasions when I WAS centre of attention at home, for something like telling a funny story over dinner with my family, or saying something witty amongst friends - I would be talked over, or sometimes even told to shut up before I could finish saying what I had to say!!! My Dad has even said he could not stand my bellowing voice and to just stop talking as I was getting on his nerves! WHEN I WAS BEING JOVIAL AND TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH AT AN 'EFFING DINNER PARTY!!! Made me feel terrible, that when trying to be funny and positive I was always shot down in flames. I seldom ever got to the punchline of stories or jokes as people were just not interested. Wonder why they did that?

 

 

 

 

Why? There's no law that says you have to invite family to your wedding. Frankly I can't think of a better way to signal to them that their behaviour is beyond the pale...and to start your new life off giving that same message to yourself. ie that you not only expect better treatment from people in your life, but you demand it.

 

I'm presuming that if you're getting married then you're probably going to think about starting a family of your own. Would you want to subject your kids to this bunch who made your life unhappy for so long? Is there really anything stopping you from cutting them out when their treatment of you is so consistently appalling?

 

If I leave my family out of my wedding it will be the perfect excuse for them to all get together and emphatically agree that I have a mega problem and how awful I am to leave them out of the big day!!! It will just give them even more room to talk so perhaps it is better to keep the peace and invite everyone as planned, after that I can distance myself anyway as I will be moving thousands of miles away to be with my fiance. Although they are awful to me without me doing anything wrong so whatever I do they will find fault and try to make my life a misery. However last time I saw my sisters they were making catty remarks about probably not being able to attend the wedding anyway despite me arranging a date they had previously told me they were free, so we will have to see what happens. My poor fiance, marrying into this crap, dysfunctional family - well we will be living in another country so it's not like he will see them often.

 

Guilt is stopping me cutting them out completely, oh and loneliness. Like I said in an earlier post - my parents made a really big issue about me having a problem with my sisters despite me explaining examples of things my sisters had done. The whole thing is very distressing. I am also in a situation where I am temporarily back living at my parents house, I appreciate them putting me up, however I have said I really do not want to see my sisters anytime soon and will make arrangements to be absent at the times my sisters want to visit my parents. They are not happy about this at all, and say I am causing trouble, just like I always have done They are upset that I am 'stopping them from seeing their daughters'!

[spiderowl]

If your parents treated you in a similar fashion then it seems the whole family has learned from their behaviour and is carrying on. In short, it seems normal to them. You are probably only putting up with it because at some level, you feel they are in the right to do this. They are not. You recognise that the relationship is abusive.

 

I can understand that if no-one defends you, this will make you feel that your sisters' behaviour is being endorsed whereas their abuse of you is not. I'm curious to know how your boyfriend reacts to their behaviour. Does he step in and stand up for you?

 

You say you have to see your sisters, but do you really? Why do you have to see them? You need to tell them either their behaviour changes and they learn how to treat a sister in a loving, caring way, or they are out of your life. They need to learn that their behaviour is not acceptable. They won't learn as long as you put up with it.

 

I guess it must be really hard for you to accept that you will need to kick your sisters out of your life. You need to have zero tolerance for abuse. The minute anyone gets abusive, walk away. Do not contact them, do not try to relate to them or ask them why they are doing this. As long as you keep turning up to let them do this, they will.

 

What is really stopping you from walking away from them? I know they are your sisters and perhaps they seem like your inner security depends on them, but what a huge price you are paying for this illusion.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

If your parents treated you in a similar fashion then it seems the whole family has learned from their behaviour and is carrying on. In short, it seems normal to them. You are probably only putting up with it because at some level, you feel they are in the right to do this. They are not. You recognise that the relationship is abusive.

 

I can understand that if no-one defends you, this will make you feel that your sisters' behaviour is being endorsed whereas their abuse of you is not. I'm curious to know how your boyfriend reacts to their behaviour. Does he step in and stand up for you?

 

You say you have to see your sisters, but do you really? Why do you have to see them? You need to tell them either their behaviour changes and they learn how to treat a sister in a loving, caring way, or they are out of your life. They need to learn that their behaviour is not acceptable. They won't learn as long as you put up with it.

 

I guess it must be really hard for you to accept that you will need to kick your sisters out of your life. You need to have zero tolerance for abuse. The minute anyone gets abusive, walk away. Do not contact them, do not try to relate to them or ask them why they are doing this. As long as you keep turning up to let them do this, they will.

 

What is really stopping you from walking away from them? I know they are your sisters and perhaps they seem like your inner security depends on them, but what a huge price you are paying for this illusion.

 

No my boyfriend has NEVER EVEN MET THEM!!! Granted he has only physically been here a few times as we are in an intercontinental relationship - but there have been enough opportunities for them to meet him and they didn't want to know. Do they not realise how jealous and spiteful that comes across??? Also they probably can't bear the thought of not being able to bully me if he's there, or facing his wrath if they dared to act like it in front of him.

 

I am so angry after the last incidences that I have not even been able to bring myself to speak to them. I tried writing to one of them how I feel in an email but had to save to draft as it was getting me far too upset. Like I said, my parents have stirred it and made things worse.

 

So shall I continue writing the email to my sister and send it? Or shall I just continue this silent treatment? Do I need to spell it out to them why I am choosing not to have anything to do with them? They would probably just act oblivious to it and more than likely tell me I deserve all I get cos I am a bitch They have always justified their actions this way before, saying I deserve it or they only act the way they do in retaliation to how I am. I just can't seem to win here. I can't make them see they are doing wrong.

 

My sisters being so awful is one thing, but I really hate that THEIR partners have been turned against me too It is totally unfair, and I am so angry and hurt.

[Taramere]

If I leave my family out of my wedding it will be the perfect excuse for them to all get together and emphatically agree that I have a mega problem and how awful I am to leave them out of the big day!!! It will just give them even more room to talk so perhaps it is better to keep the peace ...

 

I understand. It seems as though regardless of what action you take, they are going to take the view that you (rather than they) have the problem. My view is that when people are set on making judgements about you, sometimes you just have to get on with doing what you want to do, and let them make whatever judgements they like.

 

The calmer and more confident you are about the decisions you make, the more they'll realise that they don't actually exert much - or even any - control over your actions. Once their tantrum is over, they'll either walk away from you "forever!!!" or they'll change their approach. Either outcome is better than continuing to take their crap. I think, anyway.

 

Given the consistently horrid way your family behaves, does it not seem eminently likely that they'll spoil your big day? It does to me. A pair of cats as spiteful as the sisters you've described aren't going to want to miss out on that opportunity, are they? If you were planning to detach from them completely after the wedding, why wait? Why care what they say about you?

 

My only concern is that given the abusive background, you may well be in counselling - and I'm worried that advice you'd get here might conflict with advice you're getting from a counsellor. Is that the case at all?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I understand. It seems as though regardless of what action you take, they are going to take the view that you (rather than they) have the problem. My view is that when people are set on making judgements about you, sometimes you just have to get on with doing what you want to do, and let them make whatever judgements they like.

 

The calmer and more confident you are about the decisions you make, the more they'll realise that they don't actually exert much - or even any - control over your actions. Once their tantrum is over, they'll either walk away from you "forever!!!" or they'll change their approach. Either outcome is better than continuing to take their crap. I think, anyway.

 

Given the consistently horrid way your family behaves, does it not seem eminently likely that they'll spoil your big day? It does to me. A pair of cats as spiteful as the sisters you've described aren't going to want to miss out on that opportunity, are they? If you were planning to detach from them completely after the wedding, why wait? Why care what they say about you?

 

My only concern is that given the abusive background, you may well be in counselling - and I'm worried that advice you'd get here might conflict with advice you're getting from a counsellor. Is that the case at all?

 

No not in any therapy right now so don't worry! Thank you once again for posting on this thread. Well I have wondered whether they would be capable of doing something to ruin the big day and thought to myself, surely even they would not be THAT callous? But you have a point, more than likely they would perhaps do or say something subtle but nasty to me behind closed doors so again, I would have no evidence to prove to any others that will be attending the wedding what they did, and all other people would see is me freaking out or crying and the sisters as calm as a millpond. Well like I said, they are severely lacking in interest in my fiance and the wedding anyway, they even made those catty remarks about probably not being able to make it to the big day despite me moving the date to suit THEM! So if push comes to shove and I still feel this bad in a few months, we may just have to elope.

 

I could not bear to think of them sitting around talking about what a terrible person I am, I know you are probably thinking I shouldn't care about what they think but it really does hurt as I know exactly what they're like. They honestly would sit around for hours vilifying me. I also hate that their partners have been turned against me, it is very unfair. One of their partners has zero respect for me and talks to me (well, SHOUTS) like I am a piece of s***. The other, well too much detail but in a nutshell I did a few things a couple of months ago to help him out with his personal life, at the time he said I was one of his best friends and he thinks the world of me and will never forget how I have helped him blah blah blah. Now I have not heard a word from him since that time a few months ago. NOT A WORD. And I am in need of a friend right now, yet he is nowehere to be seen. But it makes me sick to think he is all over my sister who is making my life a misery, where is the justice??? Really hurts, on top of everything else I am going through. And no before you ask, I don't fancy him, I just get (well got) on well with him because we have common interests.

 

I think no matter what I do, they all have this very low opinion of me and I feel I can't do anything to please them or make them accept me. I feel like a sick little puppy sometimes begging them for love but being repeatedly kicked in the face. No wonder I have depression, although I could be a lot worse than I am considering how cruel people have been to me since I was little. A couple of times a year the depression gets so bad I cannot function, usually triggered off by my families behaviour. But overall I would describe myself as an optimist. Well I try to be!