Vicious, spiteful sisters really getting me down :(

[Taramere]

I know you are probably thinking I shouldn't care about what they think but it really does hurt as I know exactly what they're like.

 

"Shouldn't" doesn't really come into it. The fact is that you do care, and you're bound to. You are a human being with feelings, after all. I wouldn't suggest for a minute that it's going to be easy to shut down from them...but I think getting to a point where you care far less what they think probably needs to be a goal. I'll have a think about which books I've read might be helpful for you.

 

One that springs to mind was a book about codependency I read earlier this year. Bullying, controlling individuals like to throw out labels like "weak" or "codependent" to their victims. However, sometimes they're the truly codependent ones. They feed off what they perceive as other people's flaws. "You need me...you won't make it without me...I can fix you" etc etc. When in fact, when people do make the break they're sometimes amazed by just how well they can do without that controlling and abusive person in their life.

 

 

I think no matter what I do, they all have this very low opinion of me and I feel I can't do anything to please them or make them accept me. I feel like a sick little puppy sometimes begging them for love but being repeatedly kicked in the face. No wonder I have depression, although I could be a lot worse than I am considering how cruel people have been to me since I was little. A couple of times a year the depression gets so bad I cannot function, usually triggered off by my families behaviour. But overall I would describe myself as an optimist. Well I try to be!

 

It sounds as though this is something you need very skilled help to get past. You said you're not in therapy right now, so I'm taking from that that perhaps you were in the past. Have you heard of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy?

[freestyle]

Heartbroken---

 

I'm so sorry you're having an experience like this---

 

It's no fun being the family scapegoat---(been there, done that)

 

I found a great article that I bookmarked a while back, I'm going to share it with you---maybe it will give you some insight into the dynamics that are happening in your family.

 

http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2008/11/the-scapegoat.html

 

 

Couple more things I can share with you--

 

You can't control how your sisters/family treat you.

You CAN, however, control how you react to their mistreatment of you.

You CAN set boundaries.Boundaries are NOT about controlling someone else's behavior---they are about what you will & won't tolerate.

The moment anyone speaks to you disrespectfully, you can walk away/ end the phone call, etc.

You don't have to listen to their abuse.

 

 

 

And very importantly---

 

You do NOT have to feel guilty for cutting a family member out of your life, if they treat you abusively.Even a parent.

 

People will try to guilt trip you with ---"But she's your sister/mother/brother.......(insert relative name here)"

 

People who spout that off typically have NO idea what it's like to live with repeated abuse. So they will try to minimize, or marginalize YOUR experience.

 

They may mean well---but they don't really have a clue. They haven't stood in your shoes.

 

And it's not their opinion that matters---YOURS does.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Heartbroken---

 

I'm so sorry you're having an experience like this---

 

It's no fun being the family scapegoat---(been there, done that)

 

I found a great article that I bookmarked a while back, I'm going to share it with you---maybe it will give you some insight into the dynamics that are happening in your family.

 

http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2008/11/the-scapegoat.html

 

Hi there, thanks for posting this. Sorry you went through a similar thing with your family too. (((hugs))) I had always known I fit this description but it was interesting to learn more and info about where the saying originally came from.

 

Well out of my family, I probably am the strongest of the 3 sisters - hence the poor treatment coming from my parents, Nanny AND sisters. When I was a child my Dad used to justify his actions towards me (domestic violence and verbal abuse) saying I was the biggest and strongest sister, the other 2 are thin, frail and sickly looking compared to me. Perhaps everyone thinks I can handle it, but then they do know that I am emotionally fragile despite being physically strong looking, however my emotional state must be like it is after decades of abuse from people. Don't know if they would agree I am the most loving in my family, I am a bit of a softie though and before now have always forgiven easily. Perhaps I am such an easy target for them.

 

Couple more things I can share with you--

 

You can't control how your sisters/family treat you.

You CAN, however, control how you react to their mistreatment of you.

You CAN set boundaries.Boundaries are NOT about controlling someone else's behavior---they are about what you will & won't tolerate.

The moment anyone speaks to you disrespectfully, you can walk away/ end the phone call, etc.

You don't have to listen to their abuse.

 

 

 

And very importantly---

 

You do NOT have to feel guilty for cutting a family member out of your life, if they treat you abusively.Even a parent.

 

People will try to guilt trip you with ---"But she's your sister/mother/brother.......(insert relative name here)"

 

People who spout that off typically have NO idea what it's like to live with repeated abuse. So they will try to minimize, or marginalize YOUR experience.

 

They may mean well---but they don't really have a clue. They haven't stood in your shoes.

 

And it's not their opinion that matters---YOURS does.

 

I am being made to feel guilty about the whole thing by everyone. My Mum said to me 'supposing something happened to her, would you ever be able to forgive yourself???'.

 

It is surprising that my Mum cannot put herself in my shoes as she was actually abused by both her parents. She made a decision not to talk to her Mum (my Nanny) about a year ago and stuck to it. When I challenged her why it was ok for her to cut Nanny out but unreasonable for me to want to cut my sisters out, she just told me my situation is 'a storm in a tea cup' and that I am dramatising because I always want something to moan about. This made me so angry, so she was insinuating that my feeling are not real, or that they don't count.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

"Shouldn't" doesn't really come into it. The fact is that you do care, and you're bound to. You are a human being with feelings, after all. I wouldn't suggest for a minute that it's going to be easy to shut down from them...but I think getting to a point where you care far less what they think probably needs to be a goal. I'll have a think about which books I've read might be helpful for you.

 

One that springs to mind was a book about codependency I read earlier this year. Bullying, controlling individuals like to throw out labels like "weak" or "codependent" to their victims. However, sometimes they're the truly codependent ones. They feed off what they perceive as other people's flaws. "You need me...you won't make it without me...I can fix you" etc etc. When in fact, when people do make the break they're sometimes amazed by just how well they can do without that controlling and abusive person in their life.

 

It sounds as though this is something you need very skilled help to get past. You said you're not in therapy right now, so I'm taking from that that perhaps you were in the past. Have you heard of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy?

 

Yes I have heard of CBT, was going to use this to deal with my panic attacks that suddenly came on a few months ago but luckily they stopped on their own without any help which I was very pleased with. Will look into getting some counselling soon, but it is difficult not to get fobbed off by the Dr, they normally just want to hand out an anti depressant prescription. Also I am kind of all over the place right now, and not sure where I will be living next and when, a very confusing time. I would prefer a regular therapist who can get to know me.

 

Yes please if you can recommend any books that would be great - I am currently trying to read loads of self help books.

 

Another thing that makes me feel guilty/miserable about cutting them out is sometimes - we do actually have fun! But I don't like how they can turn without warning and have me upset in a nanosecond. Also the fun times are few and far between recently, they seem to have got worse when I met my fiance for some reason. I seem to think of the good times and just wish things could always be like that, and what I can do to make them nice all the time. But because they are not nice for much of the time, I blame myself and look for reasons why they pick on me.

 

The co-dependance thing is an interesting point, I have been able to recognise it in other peoples odd relationships, and I was co dependant on a man involved with me about 3 years ago. However it never occured to me that this unhealthy dynamic is happening between my sisters and I. Their relationships with their partners also seem to be co dependant. They seem to want control, but the roles switch occasionally and when the boyfriends take control they don't like it. Both sisters seem to mirror each other in behaviour in so many ways as well. Both are in long term on/off relationships that have been on/off for really similar reasons. They look the same, have similar personalities and also similar taste in clothes/film/music etc. I am nothing like either of them in any way. So they really do seem to be like 2 peas in a pod, but I am the square peg in a round hole!

[Taramere]

Okay - the first book recommendation isn't actually a self help book, but it's one I read after graduating. Soon after my graduation I started a job in a place where there were two pretty hellish women who made my life miserable a lot of the time. I won't bore you with the details, as it's not necessary to help you understand why the books I'm going to mention were helpful.

 

1. The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. Sounds like a weird choice, and a lot of people hate her philosophy for political reasons. However, her "superhero" character Howard Roark is the ultimate in embracing selfishness in a way that can work positively rather than negatively...and helps you shrug off the noise of people who want to control (rather than influence) you by toxic means such as emotional blackmail.

 

His biggest detractor, in the book, is a character called Ellsworth Toohey. At first glance, Toohey poses as a wonderful, selfless humanitarian. He hates Roark, a talented architect, because Roark represents originality and new ideas...and, more than that, can't be controlled by Toohey's manipulative methods. Roark isn't unaware of other people's Machiavellian, bullying tactics. He's just (most of the time) supremely indifferent to those tactics when they're employed against him.

 

Here's a scene where Toohey "reveals" himself to Roark and hopes to rub salt into some wounds. Watch Roark's response.

 

 

That's a popular book...probably because so many people read Roark's responses to the various people who try to control, manipulate and put him down and want to get a bit of that for themselves. However, he's an exceptional superhero character because he doesn't dish back to other people what they dish out to him. In other words, he doesn't sully himself with the Machiavellian power games they employ..mainly because he doesn't have to.

 

Another book I read during the bullying period, which I found interesting (but which a "Roark" wouldn't need to bother themselves with) was the 48 laws of power by Robert Greene.

 

http://www2.tech.purdue.edu/cg/courses/cgt411/covey/48_laws_of_power.htm

 

It's a handbook for narcissists, and it helps you to see what's going on in their minds. There are people out there who will inflict enormous misery on you for no reason other than that you're a bit of a threat to them - or they're bored. Getting away from the victim mode they're trying to put you in partly involves accepting "It's not actually all that personal. It's just that this is who they are, this is how they operate."

 

Trying to alter who they are and what they do (eg by appeals to empathy) is a terrible waste of your time and energy. Once you stop caring what a narcissistic bully thinks, or trying to bring out their "nicer side", you stop letting them control you. That doesn't mean ignoring their behaviour. Sometimes it means letting them know that you won't hesitate to inflict consequences if they don't heed your reasonable warning to stop doing what they're doing.

 

In my case, the consequence would be getting them booted out of their jobs which wouldn't have been hard if I'd set my mind to it. In fact, one of them did eventually get kicked out - but it was as a result of losing her temper in a way that constituted gross misconduct, and thankfully wasn't an incident I was involved in.

 

In your case, the consequence would be your family not attending your wedding.

 

Another book I read during that that period, and would recommend to you, was "A woman in your own right" by Anne Dickson.

 

Also, "I'm okay, you're okay" by Thomas Harris. A book about Transactional Analysis, which examines the dynamics going on for both parties - and the positions they inhabit - during a bad exchange.

 

Then there's one of my favourites, which I've often written about on here. The Drama Triangle. There's a good piece by Lynne Forrest on that

 

http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

 

She says, and I agree with her, that most people embroiled in a drama are ultimately operating from a place of victimhood. So when your family members become persecutors and make a victim of you, it might be about them trying place themselves above the state of victimhood. However, the more preoccupied people are with making victims of others, the more they betray their own enormous fear of being made a victim.

 

You may notice that both the Persecutor and Rescuer are on the upper end of the triangle. These roles assume a “one-up” position over others, meaning they relate as though they are better, stronger, smarter, or more-together than the victim. Sooner or later the victim, who is in the one-down position at the bottom of the triangle, develops a metaphorical "crick in the neck" from always looking up. Feeling “looked down upon” or “worth- less than” the others, the Victim builds resentment and sooner or later, retaliation follows.

 

You'll see from this that it isn't just the persecutor who carries blame. Rescuers play their own role in trying to adopt a lofty position of righteousness above everybody else and helping to contribute towards antagonism. Which brings me back to the first recommendation of the Fountainhead.

 

I'm not so interested in the political angle of that book....but I do really like its illustration of the drama triangle at work. The main character Roark is "the perfect man" because he's so detached from the drama triangle that another man (Ellsworth Toohey) is so caught up in, and so desperate to embroil Roark in. People often like to say that the victim is really the most powerful person in the triangle. That's true in, say, a court action where a victim can be proven to be a victim - and the persecutor will be made to pay. However, detached from the triangle is the most powerful position a person can inhabit in terms of being able to control their own life and destiny.

 

I think for anybody who has found themselves getting pulled into drama by others who are addicted to it, it's probably one of the best books they could read. It uses Roark as a compelling character to demonstrate the act of a person resisting other people's efforts to control and manipulate them into that drama triangle. I think that you're already quite a bit of the way there, even if it doesn't feel that way to you.

Edited October 8, 2011 by Taramere

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Okay - the first book recommendation isn't actually a self help book, but it's one I read after graduating. Soon after my graduation I started a job in a place where there were two pretty hellish women who made my life miserable a lot of the time. I won't bore you with the details, as it's not necessary to help you understand why the books I'm going to mention were helpful.

 

1. The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. Sounds like a weird choice, and a lot of people hate her philosophy for political reasons. However, her "superhero" character Howard Roark is the ultimate in embracing selfishness in a way that can work positively rather than negatively...and helps you shrug off the noise of people who want to control (rather than influence) you by toxic means such as emotional blackmail.

 

His biggest detractor, in the book, is a character called Ellsworth Toohey. At first glance, Toohey poses as a wonderful, selfless humanitarian. He hates Roark, a talented architect, because Roark represents originality and new ideas...and, more than that, can't be controlled by Toohey's manipulative methods. Roark isn't unaware of other people's Machiavellian, bullying tactics. He's just (most of the time) supremely indifferent to those tactics when they're employed against him.

 

Here's a scene where Toohey "reveals" himself to Roark and hopes to rub salt into some wounds. Watch Roark's response.

 

 

That's a popular book...probably because so many people read Roark's responses to the various people who try to control, manipulate and put him down and want to get a bit of that for themselves. However, he's an exceptional superhero character because he doesn't dish back to other people what they dish out to him. In other words, he doesn't sully himself with the Machiavellian power games they employ..mainly because he doesn't have to.

 

Another book I read during the bullying period, which I found interesting (but which a "Roark" wouldn't need to bother themselves with) was the 48 laws of power by Robert Greene.

 

http://www2.tech.purdue.edu/cg/courses/cgt411/covey/48_laws_of_power.htm

 

It's a handbook for narcissists, and it helps you to see what's going on in their minds. There are people out there who will inflict enormous misery on you for no reason other than that you're a bit of a threat to them - or they're bored. Getting away from the victim mode they're trying to put you in partly involves accepting "It's not actually all that personal. It's just that this is who they are, this is how they operate."

 

Trying to alter who they are and what they do (eg by appeals to empathy) is a terrible waste of your time and energy. Once you stop caring what a narcissistic bully thinks, or trying to bring out their "nicer side", you stop letting them control you. That doesn't mean ignoring their behaviour. Sometimes it means letting them know that you won't hesitate to inflict consequences if they don't heed your reasonable warning to stop doing what they're doing.

 

In my case, the consequence would be getting them booted out of their jobs which wouldn't have been hard if I'd set my mind to it. In fact, one of them did eventually get kicked out - but it was as a result of losing her temper in a way that constituted gross misconduct, and thankfully wasn't an incident I was involved in.

 

In your case, the consequence would be your family not attending your wedding.

 

Another book I read during that that period, and would recommend to you, was "A woman in your own right" by Anne Dickson.

 

Also, "I'm okay, you're okay" by Thomas Harris. A book about Transactional Analysis, which examines the dynamics going on for both parties - and the positions they inhabit - during a bad exchange.

 

Then there's one of my favourites, which I've often written about on here. The Drama Triangle. There's a good piece by Lynne Forrest on that

 

http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html

 

She says, and I agree with her, that most people embroiled in a drama are ultimately operating from a place of victimhood. So when your family members become persecutors and make a victim of you, it might be about them trying place themselves above the state of victimhood. However, the more preoccupied people are with making victims of others, the more they betray their own enormous fear of being made a victim.

 

 

 

You'll see from this that it isn't just the persecutor who carries blame. Rescuers play their own role in trying to adopt a lofty position of righteousness above everybody else and helping to contribute towards antagonism. Which brings me back to the first recommendation of the Fountainhead.

 

I'm not so interested in the political angle of that book....but I do really like its illustration of the drama triangle at work. The main character Roark is "the perfect man" because he's so detached from the drama triangle that another man (Ellsworth Toohey) is so caught up in, and so desperate to embroil Roark in. People often like to say that the victim is really the most powerful person in the triangle. That's true in, say, a court action where a victim can be proven to be a victim - and the persecutor will be made to pay. However, detached from the triangle is the most powerful position a person can inhabit in terms of being able to control their own life and destiny.

 

I think for anybody who has found themselves getting pulled into drama by others who are addicted to it, it's probably one of the best books they could read. It uses Roark as a compelling character to demonstrate the act of a person resisting other people's efforts to control and manipulate them into that drama triangle. I think that you're already quite a bit of the way there, even if it doesn't feel that way to you.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for all your help Taramere

 

Those books sound very interesting - will have a look for them on Amazon later.

 

A couple of weeks ago I actually ordered myself two self help books entitled 'Healing The Scars Of Emotional Abuse' by Gregory L. Jantz, and 'Who's Pulling Your Strings' by Harriet B. Braiker. These sound very apt for me in particular as I try to understand why I was/am emotionally abused by most of my family and reassurance that it was not my fault. The latter book explores reasons why some people are manipulative and how to deal with them, I think this may give me some answers as to how my sisters operate.

 

Well I came back from my solo holiday yesterday, have been feeling extra sad these last few days. Some of the time I actually just sat crying with the pain of everything that has happened despite knowing it is just so wrong to be depressed on a vacation. I even gave myself a headache from crying several times but managed to stop myself in my tracks all the other times by thinking 'no, I wont cry - I need to enjoy myself, I'm on holiday', but everytime I tried to be strong something else would set me off crying again a few hours later. It is practically impossible to come to terms with the fact that my sisters will never treat me the way I want to be treated, it hurts so much. But I am in a situation where I can't win; if I cut them out of my life it will hurt but if I keep them in it will also hurt. I also cannot bear to think what other members of their alliance think about me as it is safe to say some nasty things about me have been said. So unfair to think I know deep down I am a good person but so many people dislike me and many of those people have been influenced by my family. It makes me mad that some people are so weak that they cannot even stand up for what's right, just so spineless of them. I know most people's opinion would be that if my sisters' friends take on board what they say about me then more fool them, but it is hard to see it like that. Just wish I had a magic wand to erase the pain away.

[lranago]

I agree with almost everyone on here that you need to do SOMETHING. I am not sure if seeing a therapist on your own is what you really need. I had similar issues with my sister although not exactly the same. I found that FAMILY COUNSELING was the best route. I told her and my parents that either we needed to fix this as a family or be a broken one. I setup the appointment and invited them to participate if they wanted me in their lives. Needless to say in my circumstances my parents did and my sister did not.

 

The counselor was great and really helped me understand and deal with my feelings. Bottom line is people on here are right, without your family members acting like family, its not really a family at all. You would be better off without (for the time being) and work on yourself and accomplish some of your dreams and ambitions without an anchor tied to your ankle.

 

hope it works out for you!

 

P.S. If your in the San Diego area I can refer you to a great family counselor.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I agree with almost everyone on here that you need to do SOMETHING. I am not sure if seeing a therapist on your own is what you really need. I had similar issues with my sister although not exactly the same. I found that FAMILY COUNSELING was the best route. I told her and my parents that either we needed to fix this as a family or be a broken one. I setup the appointment and invited them to participate if they wanted me in their lives. Needless to say in my circumstances my parents did and my sister did not.

 

The counselor was great and really helped me understand and deal with my feelings. Bottom line is people on here are right, without your family members acting like family, its not really a family at all. You would be better off without (for the time being) and work on yourself and accomplish some of your dreams and ambitions without an anchor tied to your ankle.

 

hope it works out for you!

 

P.S. If your in the San Diego area I can refer you to a great family counselor.

 

Hi there,

 

Well family therapy sounds like an excellent idea, glad it worked out for you and your parents. How are things with your sister these days? What kind of problems did you have with her?

 

Yes, it doesn't even feel like I have a family as they are so mean to me. I can't really imagine what it would be like to have a nice family, because all my life things have been similar to the way they are now.

 

I don't think anyone would be interested in taking the time to come to a counselling session with me, the others don't seem to want to acknowledge there is a problem, they just keep saying over and over that it is all my fault and they are blameless.

 

I am no where near the San Diago area, currently in the UK and will be moving to the East Coast USA sometime soon to marry my fiance but thanks very much for your help!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Well I spoke to one of my sisters on the phone on Saturday (the one I am least upset with) and told her how depressed I was, and she said that I will be very lonely and lose everyone unless I start fixing my relationships with people. She said it is not worth cutting my other sister out unless she did a severely bad thing like sleep with my fiance or something of that ilk. She told me I was being petty and to take her advice else I will end up more depressed and lonely. I know the general consensus on here was to cut them out if they are causing me this emotional pain, but the sister I spoke to didn't seem to think it was a good enough reason.

 

I have been so angry and upset with the other one I have not been able to bring myself to even speak to her since August. This is getting really hard though as it is her 21st birthday in 2 weeks, I still really don't feel ready to communicate with her and don't know what to do about the birthday thing. Does anyone have any ideas? Bear in mind she has banned me from previous birthday parties anyway. It is also my 30th coming up in 1 month and I will probably have to spend it alone, even my fiance has announced that he wont be able to see me during my birthday.

 

Just extra upset today as my Mum suddenly shouted and screamed at me yesterday unprovoked, telling me I was stupid, unlikeable, could not/would not get a job, did not help her around the house, sponged off her and my Dad, that I am incapable of getting on with people, that my fiance will finish with me cos I am so awful, urgh it just went on and on. I swear the family are all just trying to destroy me

[riverman]

I had toxic friends and find it hard to make new friends,am close to my family but they are older. One was extremly toxic n I finally just cut off contact with him. I would always ask why is he so sick in the head,like my coworker said it will drive you crazy wondering why people act that. I use to ask the same about two boss who were insane,it would eat away at me how these ppl wld treat me like craps. I learned just rid myself of them. Now one of the toxic ppl is so nice to me its scar but I know he trying to muniplate me.

 

Like the other person said say to them why time quite serious you treat me like craps my whole life,if it doesn't stop I will cut out contact with you. Then stop talking to them until they respect you,if they don't then forget them. A good friend of mine married a very sweet girl and her family was like yours. She now is making new friends. Myself I rather be alone then deal with toxic people. I slowly build up my social circle. I only have a few friends but they are like family. It was hard for me to cut out the toxic people b.c the good ones where out of state n one friend got married so he had less free time.

 

Once u cut them out if they call and act bad u need to just hang up on them. Telling they will me ouy of your life will help your well being. Now when my good friends are busy n a toxic one calls I just pay them no mind . Trust me its a breath of fresh air. Dam it might even feel great to tell your sisters to go fu.k themselves. Then just pay them no.mind it will drive them crazy.

[riverman]

Before I cut my most toxic ex friend,I explaned how I was tired of his no sense n it that it was wearing me down. He said I was petty n did not care much. Just stop talking to them and let them contact you,if they are being difficult then leave the area or hang up. Embrace being free and work slowly on improving yourself. It gonna take a long time for them to treat u right b.c they are so use to pushing u around. I faced the same problems with ex friends. I was able.to salvage one friendship b.c the person knows if he pulls his old trick I will just remove them from my life. Dont ponder y or feel guitly about ending it.

[lostandconfused79]

I have one sibling, and I do not see or talk to her and it has been that way for years. She was always making up lies about me, and seriously made me look bad. Even when she didn't see me for months or talk to me. She still did this, anything she could to get people to hate me. She told people all kinds of crap! Why she did those things? I have no idea , and I could care less.

 

The truth will come out! Your sisters will be found out, people are not that stupid. Someone will figure out what they are doing and they will be found out. It took years for my sister to be found out, here she was the problem all along not me. She was the one lying and saying and doing bad things, not me. It was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, when the truth finally came out.

 

No, I still don't have anything to do with her. She did tell me she was sorry. She isn't sorry, she's sorry she got caught.

 

My advice, you can't win with trouble makers like this. Break off contact, my sister did things to me turned out because she was jealous. I'm thinking your sisters are jealous of you. Only thing it could be!

 

Not worth letting them hurt your heart, and your mental health. Not worth it. You are going to get married, put all your effort and time into this relationship. Your fiance is now your family! You don't need your sisters, don't let them stress you out so bad, where it could and would ruin your relationship with your fiance.

 

Your not alone! Many of us having people just like your sisters in our families to. Ignore them and have nothing to do with them. If you know they will be some place, don't go. If you want this to stop, you are the one who is going to have to cut all ties. If you don't they will keep on doing what they do to you.

 

Stand up for yourself, an email, call, talking, isn't going to work with these girls. Kicking them out of your life, and moving on and being happy, is the best thing, you owe that to yourself.

 

So are they mad because you live at home and have no job? Something is going on here. Why don't you try to find a job and move out on your own, to get away from these people?

Edited October 25, 2011 by lostandconfused79

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I have one sibling, and I do not see or talk to her and it has been that way for years. She was always making up lies about me, and seriously made me look bad. Even when she didn't see me for months or talk to me. She still did this, anything she could to get people to hate me. She told people all kinds of crap! Why she did those things? I have no idea , and I could care less.

 

The truth will come out! Your sisters will be found out, people are not that stupid. Someone will figure out what they are doing and they will be found out. It took years for my sister to be found out, here she was the problem all along not me. She was the one lying and saying and doing bad things, not me. It was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, when the truth finally came out.

 

No, I still don't have anything to do with her. She did tell me she was sorry. She isn't sorry, she's sorry she got caught.

 

My advice, you can't win with trouble makers like this. Break off contact, my sister did things to me turned out because she was jealous. I'm thinking your sisters are jealous of you. Only thing it could be!

 

Not worth letting them hurt your heart, and your mental health. Not worth it. You are going to get married, put all your effort and time into this relationship. Your fiance is now your family! You don't need your sisters, don't let them stress you out so bad, where it could and would ruin your relationship with your fiance.

 

Your not alone! Many of us having people just like your sisters in our families to. Ignore them and have nothing to do with them. If you know they will be some place, don't go. If you want this to stop, you are the one who is going to have to cut all ties. If you don't they will keep on doing what they do to you.

 

Stand up for yourself, an email, call, talking, isn't going to work with these girls. Kicking them out of your life, and moving on and being happy, is the best thing, you owe that to yourself.

 

So are they mad because you live at home and have no job? Something is going on here. Why don't you try to find a job and move out on your own, to get away from these people?

 

How awful for you, having those horrible lies spread about you by your sibling. It must have wound you up so bad that other people did not see the truth for a long time. Glad she was found out in the end though and you came out of the situation smelling of roses.

 

Well I doubt my sisters ever will be found out, all our family seem to be cut from the same cloth apart from me. They are all the bloody same - negative, scared of life, thrive on trouble and drama and can't do anything on their own. I am the opposite (very good considering how I get depression and how they bring me down) - fearless, positive, outgoing, friendly, bubbly and really dislike strife and quarrals. Despite all this - because it is always ME who is upset by THEM - I get accused of being the one creating problems and thriving on trouble. It makes me so upset when they do all this to me then tell me that because I know deep down that it isn't true and I just want to make them see, but they wont face the truth. None of them will.

 

It also really upsets me that my sisters partners only see the worst in me. I can't take it that they are thinking so badly of me, it hurts so much and I just want to make them see that I am not a bad person which seems impossible to do.

 

I know most people have said it would be wise to just cut them out but just wondering your thoughts on these issues: supposing something happened to me or one of my sisters - could I forgive myself? Is life too short to cut someone out? Is the treatment I have recieved bad enough to warrent cutting them out? Like I said before - it's not like they have done something of the ilk of sleeping with my fiance behind my back. Is what they have done bad enough? Also - what can I do about the forthcoming birthdays? It's one of my sisters 21st in just over a week and I am expected to go along to a meal for her. I don't feel comfortable about this because I am still too angry about the straw that broke the camels back in July this year. So if I go I will only act miserable and reserved anyway because I feel too bitter to put on my jovial party face. But if I don't attend I will be soooooo vilified and look really bad in front of her friends and partner who already must think I am a very strong swearing word :'( I cannot win it seems.

 

Just to clarify - I am only temporarily back at my parents house as I moved from the town I was working in to do some travelling abroad for a few months, now that is over I am actively seeking work in London to get away from all this. My sisters do not live at my parents house, although it is still hard being here as I still feel like I am in the thick of it because my parents very tactlessly get involved and blab anything I say about the matter straight back to them. I also hate being in the house when my parents speak to my sisters on the phone because it is a constant reminder. If I lived away from all family then I could more easily remove myself from the situation.

[lranago]

Things with my sister these days are pretty distant, but "I" feel much better about the situation. I don't lover her any less than before and will still be there for her if she decides to become a member of the family again. The counseling just really helped myself and my parents deal with it all and gave us a more self positive perspective. The family counseling was really a great thing and I wish we had done it years before. I feel for you reading these posts and hope that you can find peace with whatever the outcome is. You really need to start living for and how YOU want with people YOU enjoy having relationships with, family or not. Read this article on family therapy, it might give you more insight as to how easy it really is. Counseling seems like its a big step or hard to do, but really its just sitting in a room with an unbiased 3rd party participant that stops bot you and others and really helps you see other sides.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Things with my sister these days are pretty distant, but "I" feel much better about the situation. I don't lover her any less than before and will still be there for her if she decides to become a member of the family again. The counseling just really helped myself and my parents deal with it all and gave us a more self positive perspective. The family counseling was really a great thing and I wish we had done it years before. I feel for you reading these posts and hope that you can find peace with whatever the outcome is. You really need to start living for and how YOU want with people YOU enjoy having relationships with, family or not. Read this article on family therapy, it might give you more insight as to how easy it really is. Counseling seems like its a big step or hard to do, but really its just sitting in a room with an unbiased 3rd party participant that stops bot you and others and really helps you see other sides.

 

I am really happy for you that you feel so much better about your family problems now, therapy seems to have been really helpful in your case. It is good that your parents were willing to participate and you know for sure that it was your sisters problem NOT yours.

 

I can honestly say, everyone in my family are against me and seem to revel in causing me misery - trust me they not going to want to sit in a room with me and a therapist trying to work through the issues are they? Because they do not want to change the status quo - it is me who wants them to change but looking at how my parents have treated me in childhood (also recently), plus the way my sisters are etc it just aint gonna happen. I have come to the conclusion that they enjoy causing me pain, love seeing my tears, find it easier to deal with their misery if they can make me as unhappy as they are, and rely on having me as the scapegoat, killing what's left of my positive spirit plus filling me with self doubt and robbing me of confidence. I am furious with them all, and deeply hurt - was so upset by an incident with my parents today that I was tempted to just drink until I could not feel this emotional agony anymore.

Edited October 28, 2011 by xxxheartbrokenxxx
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[NotKelly]

Sorry to hear about your problem. I agree with the others - you cannot just have one person (your fiance) as your sole support network. You can't just dump all your feelings on one person - it gets overwhelming.

 

You should see a therapist who can help you contextualize and deal with this scapegoating behavior you're experiencing from your family. The therapist can also help you negotiate a withdrawal from your family (temporary or permanent, your choice) and your search for a new family (fiance, friends, etc).

 

No, you should NOT go into therapy with your family. That would be pointless. You need individual therapy for this. I know it sounds hard, but you have to work on distancing yourself from your toxic family and work on reaching out to the big world outside.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Sorry to hear about your problem. I agree with the others - you cannot just have one person (your fiance) as your sole support network. You can't just dump all your feelings on one person - it gets overwhelming.

 

You should see a therapist who can help you contextualize and deal with this scapegoating behavior you're experiencing from your family. The therapist can also help you negotiate a withdrawal from your family (temporary or permanent, your choice) and your search for a new family (fiance, friends, etc).

 

No, you should NOT go into therapy with your family. That would be pointless. You need individual therapy for this. I know it sounds hard, but you have to work on distancing yourself from your toxic family and work on reaching out to the big world outside.

 

Hi Kelly, yes I know, it does make me feel guilty that I constantly offload on to my fiance. I am angry at my family for making me so upset that it is even taking the magic away from my relationship. Feel sorry for my man as he does not deserve someone with as many problems as I've got. I torment myself with the thought of him wishing he had never persued me further had he known about all my issues from the get go.

 

Yes I really need therapy so badly!!! Without my family of course, as like you said, that would be futile to bring them along (they wouldn't even come anyway!). Besides, they seem to enjoy my pain and tears - why on earth would they work towards making me feel better and problem solving?! However counselling it is not financially viable for me right now because I am already having a tough time trying to save up enough money just to move back out of my parents house and pay all the people back who I owe to. I also worry how many sessions it will take to actually help me as I do have many many issues. It also kind of put me off a bit when a friend of mine told me she had been in therapy for over 10 years and still felt she needed more to sort her head out, even after all that time some of her issues are only just coming to the surface. I cannot bear the thought of having to spend decades in therapy, but considering my family problems and everything else has been going on for the best part of 30 years, sorting my head out will not happen overnight.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Just thought I'd share the latest.

 

Well I decided not to attend anything for my sisters birthday, all I could bring myself to do was write her a card and gave it to my parents to give to her. Today is the day of the family meal where they are all getting together pretending to get on when they don't (this is what dysfunctional families do, right?) for her birthday and I can appreciate the fact I excluded myself from that (to protect myself from new hurts) so I can't complain they left me out this time.

 

However when I hear via my Mum that my other sister not only threw her a surprise party yesterday with a load of friends, plus several people went out of their way to take the day off university/work to be there, but she spent hundreds of pounds on a birthday present for her too. I am raging, upset and bitter - I need someone to give me an old car to smash to bits with a sledgehammer right now.

 

It is so hurtful because I have NEVER been thrown a surprise party by ANY of them, and I know they would never spend that much money on me, not that money matters to me but you know - just the fact that they have never made me feel special like that. I can't imagine how wonderful it must feel to walk into a room and have unexpected friends and family there who went out of their way for you and you alone to make you feel special on your special day, with presents, balloons, cards, drinks, cake, music etc. as I have never had anyone go to the trouble of organising one for me. The pain is killing me. This is also not the first time my sisters have thrown each other surprise parties, so it is no accident that I have never had one, it's intentional as they don't like me/value me/respect me/think I'm worth it.

 

I remember last year my sisters reluctantly came to one very tiny family meal for my birthday which is the only celebration I had - they criticised my outfit, made it all about them and bragged that THEIR birthday celebrations went on for 3 weeks (to rub it in that I had barely anything in the way of parties), and they said they were going to go home early meaning I couldn't go dancing after the meal. The other sister even said loudly as we were getting ready that she did not want to stay out very late, but she said it in a really nasty aggressive tone to my Mum for me to overhear, and hopefully over react to which unfortunately I did. Also they kept giving me silent treatment and made other nasty comments. Yet considering my sisters are such f***ing b****es they get all that attention plus time and money spent on them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Considering everything I very much doubt anything will be done for me this year for my birthday in less than 2 weeks time (and it's a special 30th). The unfairness is beyond ridiculous. And my Mum and Dad deny I am treated differently by them or my sisters and label me paranoid for thinking that.

 

I have been extra upset these last 2 days and been crying but in an aggressive way and feel so furious at the world, last night I went for a run and actually screamed and shouted my aggression out as I did it, feel sorry for the neighbourhood as they may have thought a woman was being attacked.

 

How can I cope with these feelings? It is so hard and life just feels impossible right now. The way I am treated is DISGRACEFUL, they should be punished. Do they even realise I feel this awful? When I have gone hysterical in the past they have called me an attention seeker but the feelings are very real and definitely not for attention. Urgh I can't deal with this.

[Lucky_One]

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxxheartbrokenxxx

Yes you are quite right, taking everything into account I think it would be the best decision to move in with him as soon as I can. But first I will need to sort a few things out over here and get a little money behind me as a green card would take a while to come through so I wouldn't be able to work as soon as I get there. After Christmas I can seriously make some plans to move. I'm sure my fiance would be pleased to have me there asap!

 

Have you two talked to an immigration lawyer? You don't need a green card to work.

 

You would come into the US under a K-1 visa, which permits you to work; it also requires that you marry within 90 days of entry. After marriage, you file a I-130 (green card app) and a I-485 (adjustment of status petition). You can also work after your I-130 is filed.

 

Has he started your I-129F petition (application for a K-1 fiancee visa)? That could take a few months to be approved, and you have to have that packet for INS. When is the wedding planned?

 

**************

 

What are you DOING about changing your life? I know you say you are looking for work in London, but why get a job if you are leaving in a few months? The UK has a good system for therapy, and it shouldn't cost you anything as you are unemployed. I sort of wish you hadn't gone on holidays and spent that money, but had used the money to find alternate lodging and to get your I-129F petition finished so you can LEAVE. They are making you miserable, but you are STAYING for more. If you want change, then you are going to have to implement it yourself.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxxheartbrokenxxx

Yes you are quite right, taking everything into account I think it would be the best decision to move in with him as soon as I can. But first I will need to sort a few things out over here and get a little money behind me as a green card would take a while to come through so I wouldn't be able to work as soon as I get there. After Christmas I can seriously make some plans to move. I'm sure my fiance would be pleased to have me there asap!

 

Have you two talked to an immigration lawyer? You don't need a green card to work.

 

You would come into the US under a K-1 visa, which permits you to work; it also requires that you marry within 90 days of entry. After marriage, you file a I-130 (green card app) and a I-485 (adjustment of status petition). You can also work after your I-130 is filed.

 

Has he started your I-129F petition (application for a K-1 fiancee visa)? That could take a few months to be approved, and you have to have that packet for INS. When is the wedding planned?

 

**************

 

What are you DOING about changing your life? I know you say you are looking for work in London, but why get a job if you are leaving in a few months? The UK has a good system for therapy, and it shouldn't cost you anything as you are unemployed. I sort of wish you hadn't gone on holidays and spent that money, but had used the money to find alternate lodging and to get your I-129F petition finished so you can LEAVE. They are making you miserable, but you are STAYING for more. If you want change, then you are going to have to implement it yourself.

 

Hi Lucky, sorry I meant to reply to you on the other thread yesterday but felt too upset about the birthday saga, couldn't really think about anything else!

 

Well my guy is in the military and he has done all the research - he said it should be really easy to move me over there no matter what type of visa I get. The question is, do we marry prior to me going to live with him and get a spouse visa, or marry once I'm over there on a finace visa which would mean having to marry within the USA somewhere? But our original idea was marry in Europe next May, I guess under these circumstances we need to rethink the time and location of the wedding. It will probably just be the two of us eloping by the looks of things.

 

I am trying to change things I really am, but without money I am powerless to get out. I wanted to take a job in London so I could once again be independent and have some money behind me before going to live with my fiance, the way things are now he would be keeping me should I decide to go over there within the next couple of months because he lives on a remote place only reachable by ferry and all jobs are seasonal on the island.

 

Getting out of my parents house really is proving difficult as I do not have enough money behind me to move out, and there is a severe lack of jobs in this area too as it was hit very hard in the recession, also I could not take a job if I plan to leave within about 3-6 weeks as it wouldn't be fair on the employer. Do you see my problem? I am doing the best I can to get SOME money in the bank though, I am selling pretty much everything I own on Ebay which also means less junk weighing me down when I do go. It is just a little catch 22 right now as I can't do one thing without the other and vice versa, I need a get rich quick scheme!

 

I know, hindsight is a wonderful thing - looking back perhaps I made a big mistake leaving my life in the other town to go travelling as now I have come back to NOTHING! No money, no job, no independence, no friends (most have forgotten I exist) and no family (well you know all the issues I have with them!) plus I am stuck at my parents house like an overgrown child. Feel like I have lost my pride and sense of power that earning good money gave me, and I just so happened to leave the other town when I was raking in money and doing so well working 2 jobs from home which was brilliant as I also had plenty of free time. Well I guess nothing lasts forever, especially in this current climate. But had I not travelled I would always be left wondering what it would have been like and regretting not going for it.

Edited November 4, 2011 by xxxheartbrokenxxx