dumped 2 weeks before wedding

[lizlemon]

I was dating the man of my dreams for about 2 years, through out this time we had talked alot about getting married and made several plans about the fairy tale life we would soon be living. After he popped the question (and i said yes!) things started to change - I first realized that his parents have a huge influence on him and the decisions he made, meaning that there were alot of broken promises he made to me and my family throughout the wedding planning phase.

 

For example, he left all of the wedding planning up to me (my family was paying for most of the costs) - and then all of a sudden, after his parents came into town (and just a few weeks before the wedding) he had problems with ALL of the wedding plans and his family wanted to change everything (even though they werent paying) just weeks before, and threatened not to come if we didnt change the venue, increase the guest list,etc When his family came into town, they came over to our house for a small intimate dinner party, but did not congratulate us on the engagement or give us their blessings. This made me a bit skeptical, but my fiance said that nonetheless they were excited about it and he would deal with that.

 

We argued alot during this time which i know is normal, but everything revolved around his mother "indirectly" disapproving over everything. I honestly couldnt understand what kind of a man didnt have enough balls to stand up for his fiancee and future wife. His family was well aware in advance of all the wedding plans we were making, and kept telling me how 'happy and excited' they are about the wedding (i even travelled to the US to do some wedding shopping and buy a wedding dress) and his mother even made sure that his sisters (whom im friends with) did not contact me during this period. It was the most bizarre thing ever. Long story short, we ended up postponing the wedding, and then breaking up.

 

This happened almost a year ago - since then he has been begging me to come back to him, apologizing profusively... I still love this man, although I dont know how it would work out in the future with him and his family making decisions for us. We are sort of together now with just a huge question mark regarding our future together.

 

Can i ever trust him again after the way he allowed his family to treat me and broke off the wedding after all the plans we had made? Our honeymoon hotel and ticket were practically booked! Is this broken relationship worth fixing again or should i just move on if he obviously doesnt value me and was willing to let me go? I am still so confused about him and the way i feel - i think this is because we're in an "undefined" relationship now (which i cant even tell my closest friends about) and I'm unable to fully commit to him because a huge part of me cant go through this again and another part of me desperately wants to work this out.

Should i move on or keep trying?

Edited October 23, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Paper Roses]

Looks like you were lucky enough to see a preview of the rest of your life with this man. Did you like it?

 

If you love him so much what are you doing here asking total strangers what to do?

 

It's painful, but I bet deep down you already know what the answer is.

 

Good wishes to you.

[lizlemon]

Thanks paper roses, it's sort of like an emotional roller coaster for me, I have a different analysis about this every day and its become so frustrating for me, I'm still trying to figure out if there's hope or if I'm just wasting my time.

Well, you know what they say, if you love something let it go....

 

thanks for your post - will give what you said some thought

[Tiberius]

Hi, are your parents divorced ?

[JSS15]

I agree with paper roses. You ultimately know what you want, but youre scared to make that choice. Either way, make the decison for yourself and move forward. Don't dwell on the past.

[Cookie1991]

firstly i am sorry to hear this

I say move on.

 

I know it is so hard

 

But eventually you will find someone who listens to you and does not let his family treat you this way if he was totally listening to his family i say thank god you got away because who know he could have changed and treated you worse once he got the ring on your finger.

 

Be strong

[lizlemon]

Thanks for the responses, you guys are all right. I think deep down I know what I need to do, but I'm just terrified that I'll never find someone who makes me happy, but I'll never know if I keep dwelling on the past. I dont think I can risk waiting for him, and then having the whole thing blow up in my face all over again either.

I guess if he was really ready for marriage or really couldnt risk losing me, he would have done something drastic to prove that I can still trust him, all I'm getting are words...and no action... its like the past all over again and its making me crazy. And i know that if a man really wants a woman, he would MOVE MOUNTAINS to make it happen, and thats what i want. I DONT want a man who is still waiting for him mom's approval... or someone who is okay with breaking off an enagement. I want to feel wanted, respected, and valued.

I really appreciate the support - I've never posted in a blog before, but it helped

[Eddie Edirol]

I guess if he was really ready for marriage or really couldnt risk losing me, he would have done something drastic to prove that I can still trust him, all I'm getting are words...and no action... its like the past all over again and its making me crazy. And i know that if a man really wants a woman, he would MOVE MOUNTAINS to make it happen, and thats what i want. I DONT want a man who is still waiting for him mom's approval... or someone who is okay with breaking off an enagement. I want to feel wanted, respected, and valued.

I really appreciate the support - I've never posted in a blog before, but it helped

 

Great 30 rock reference by the way....

Words and no action is your biggest clue that he isnt serious about trying to make it work with you.

 

But at the same time, you have to be realistic. Dont expect anyone in your lifetime to move mountains for you. If they sense that you dont want it, they wont make that much of an effort, its would be a waste of time for anyone. keep that in mind.

[Tayla]

Can I share with you that the Parents of this man are his for life and you are to have been his wife. Blood is thicker then water and that is a blessing for some. Its not his PLACE to stick up for you. It would be yours to Speak up and take the bull by the horns. I am extremely blessed with a Daughter in Law who did just that when she needed to be taken seriously and respected separately from my son. We never know what bridges we are burning til we walk them again to secure our decision. Walk that bridge and when you do, speak up and be taken seriously. It sets your respect up a few levels and holds you accountable instead of hiding behind the hubby to be. You can do so diplomatically without angst. Some folks "assume" speaking up is disrespectful to the elders yet when its grown adults, its a necessity. Sounds like you just need to change up a wee bit and be accounted for. He may well be worth it and like that side of you. You have a voice, share it!

I sincerely think that the extended family need not be a thorn...turn it in your favor

[calla]

Hi, had you spent time with your partner and his family together for a substantial time before the wedding? One can really see a different side to someone when they are with family.

 

In my experience I've come to realise that it is really important in the long term for one to have in-laws they can cope with. It does make life hard when your family and in-laws are not there for you during courtship, and even more importantly after you get married and have kids.

 

I would say every cloud has a silver lining. This could be your chance to get to know him and his family better without any pressures and see whether you still want to commit.

[RiverRunning]

I am sorry for the pain you are going through - but it seems to me there is a LOT of evidence supporting the idea that his mother might have narcissistic personality disorder. She triangulates - she can mobilize an entire family to turn against people (and they obey), they listen to whatever she wants (and obey!), she throws out manipulative threats, ("Change it or we won't come to the wedding," etc.).

 

My mother is a narcissist. She's not as malignant as it sounds like his mother is, though. I'll tell you one thing - NPD NEVER gets better. Narcissists are designed to defend themselves to the bitter end, accepting no responsibility for their behavior - it's "everybody else's fault." Therapy usually doesn't even help.

 

You got a glimpse into what your life would be like under the helm of mommy dearest. "Do what I say or else." If you love this man, then he will have to set limits with his mother and do his best to insulate you from her. But I suspect that's not going to happen.

 

Move on. It will save you a LOT of grief.

[Metis]

Tayla is 100% correct. Even if this man stood up for you, that wouldn't end the matter. Parents have tremendous power to ruin their children's marriages, and even where they don't succeed at first, they have decades to poison the waters a little bit every day with little disparaging comments, insinuations and provoking their child's spouse to anger. In a long-running feud, a person is much likelier to ultimately side with his parents than to break off with them because they don't respect his wife. A good rule of thumb is, if you are marrying into a close-knit family, and your future in-laws hate you -- don't go through with it, no matter how much it may hurt. An acrimonious divorce several years down the road would be much much more horrible (and no, the fact that you "gave it a try" wouldn't make it any better).

 

As much as it pains me to say, love is not a panacea. There can be many situations where walking away from a person you love is really the best thing to d, for both of you. I think this is one of those situations. I am sorry, and I wish you better luck in the future. Keep your head up; it could have been much, much worse.

[RiverRunning]

I respectfully disagree with the posters advocating that this woman needs to learn to 'stand up' to his family.

 

It is his place to stick up for her and to make it clear to his mother what behavior is acceptable toward his wife-to-be. In the same way, he should let his wife know how he expects her to treat his mother. His mother should not be saying and doing whatever she would like while he sides with his mother, then expects his wife-to-be to fend for herself. This is a woman who is going to be his wife, not just a casual girlfriend. He should be putting her first and, assuming she's not unnecessarily starting trouble with his mother, present a united front to his parents.

 

I would not tolerate a man who would not stand up for me, or at least WITH me, against his mother. I'm not going to do the whole "Mom's right" in front of his mother and then the, "Well, I agree with you, hon," in private bit. If his mother is going to cause that much trouble in his relationships (she is threatening not to attend his wedding here. What a wench!), he needs to decide what's more important: protecting his mentally ill mommy or deciding if and when he's going to grow up and make his own life.

 

But OP already knows this is not going to change. And no matter how many times she 'stands up for herself' against this mother-in-law, she is always going to lose because she has no one on her side. The cards are always stacked. She will be expected to keep quiet and fall into line like the rest of this guy's family.

 

I have made it quite clear what I expect of my mother - provoking, insulting, or doing anything of the like toward my boyfriend will result in 'punishment,' if you will. If I feel she has treated him badly, I will leave and not contact her. I have no time for peoples' poisonous and childish behavior. If that means going no-contact with her to preserve my own happiness, so be it. But I do find many children are loyal to the end, even if they hate their parents. It's unfortunate because they give up their own chances for happiness.

 

I feel her boyfriend should be doing the same. He should insulate her from his poisonous and manipulative mother. He should stand up for her if he feels she's being treated unfairly ("I won't attend the wedding if it's not to my liking, HMPH" = unfair treatment). I have a feeling if OP stays she will always be second, or third, or even further down the hierarchy while his mother fights to maintain this dysfunctional family pattern.

[Tayla]

Thank you River for respecting the reality that the soon to be husband is NOT the referee not should he be. It's not his place to mandate how his soon to be wife or mother behave. Its up to each "ADULT' to own their behavior and attitude. I have been on this earth long enough to not allow others to fight my mishaps or misunderstandings. It's MY place to either shut up, put up or speak up.

As I said I have seen this before in families where its constitued as defiant behavior to go against the "parents" yet I come from an "open" Lets talk things out environment, where each INDIVIDUAL speaks for themselves and not on behalf of another. This equally capable person can do so ...and I stand by that reasoning. Yes he can be supportive when situations arise, its called be diplomatic but what he doesn't do is get in between this riff....He is not the knight in shining armour ,....those days were dismissed when women got to vote and speak up on there own behalf on MANY things.