Trouble Breaking Past Small Talk

[jeffinthecity]

Hey y'all, I'm a little green around the ears, but you'll see more of me as time goes on.

My problem is this: I'm fairly good at making friends and being open and friendly and honest, but have no freaking idea how to get into deeper conversations with people and get past the usual "how's work?" line of conversation. As much as I'd rather talk about more meaningful things - what matters to people, what are they passionate about - I have no idea how to get there. It's like standing in front of a twenty-foot high fence with no clue how to climb it.

Any advice?

[Zapbasket]

Perhaps I might be able to help you, since I have the opposite problem: I hate small talk! I get along well with others and participate in my fair share of small talk, but if it never goes any deeper I get awfully bored, deep down, even if I don't show it on the outside. I'm always working to temper my impatience with others' seemingly insatiable appetite for small-talk-chitter-chatter.

 

My tactic for soliciting a discussion about more meaningful things than, "How's work," etc. is to pursue my genuine interest in the other person's thoughts and experience. So if a conversation starts out with, "You know how work is, blah blah, I just put in my time and wait until 5 p.m. rolls around," I might respond with something like, "Yeah, I know what you mean. It's so great when you can have a job you're passionate about! I have a friend who just this summer decided she's tired of working for other people and wants to have her own business, and so she moved to San Fran and got into this really neat venture that promises to be really successful."

 

And then I wait for the other person's hopefully appreciative response. Depending upon what they say, I might respond with, "You know, I keep wanting to just put it all out there and make my living as a fiction writer...." And then again see how they respond. And then I might turn it on to them: "What would you like to do, work-wise, if you could do any work you wanted?"

 

Here I'm often met with pleased surprise; perhaps no one has ever asked them that before...and perhaps even they have never thought of it.

 

So in short, I basically just put myself out there: genuinely interested in them, open about my passions and dreams, and soliciting the other person to share their own passions and dreams by just putting it right there as something worth talking about (and safe to talk about).

 

Hope this helps--and I'll bet you're better at soliciting meaningful conversations than you think; that's suggested by the fact that you're keen enough for meaningful conversation to ask how to encourage it to happen!

[camper15935]

Perhaps I might be able to help you, since I have the opposite problem: I hate small talk! I get along well with others and participate in my fair share of small talk, but if it never goes any deeper I get awfully bored, deep down, even if I don't show it on the outside. I'm always working to temper my impatience with others' seemingly insatiable appetite for small-talk-chitter-chatter.

 

My tactic for soliciting a discussion about more meaningful things than, "How's work," etc. is to pursue my genuine interest in the other person's thoughts and experience. So if a conversation starts out with, "You know how work is, blah blah, I just put in my time and wait until 5 p.m. rolls around," I might respond with something like, "Yeah, I know what you mean. It's so great when you can have a job you're passionate about! I have a friend who just this summer decided she's tired of working for other people and wants to have her own business, and so she moved to San Fran and got into this really neat venture that promises to be really successful."

 

And then I wait for the other person's hopefully appreciative response. Depending upon what they say, I might respond with, "You know, I keep wanting to just put it all out there and make my living as a fiction writer...." And then again see how they respond. And then I might turn it on to them: "What would you like to do, work-wise, if you could do any work you wanted?"

 

Here I'm often met with pleased surprise; perhaps no one has ever asked them that before...and perhaps even they have never thought of it.

 

So in short, I basically just put myself out there: genuinely interested in them, open about my passions and dreams, and soliciting the other person to share their own passions and dreams by just putting it right there as something worth talking about (and safe to talk about).

 

Hope this helps--and I'll bet you're better at soliciting meaningful conversations than you think; that's suggested by the fact that you're keen enough for meaningful conversation to ask how to encourage it to happen!

 

What a interesting conversation holy crap good luck. My ex wife said that on dates "I should dumb it down more" before I due that The last sound I would here is the slide on my beretta. (joke)

[jeffinthecity]

Perhaps I might be able to help you, since I have the opposite problem: I hate small talk! I get along well with others and participate in my fair share of small talk, but if it never goes any deeper I get awfully bored, deep down, even if I don't show it on the outside. I'm always working to temper my impatience with others' seemingly insatiable appetite for small-talk-chitter-chatter.

 

My tactic for soliciting a discussion about more meaningful things than, "How's work," etc. is to pursue my genuine interest in the other person's thoughts and experience. So if a conversation starts out with, "You know how work is, blah blah, I just put in my time and wait until 5 p.m. rolls around," I might respond with something like, "Yeah, I know what you mean. It's so great when you can have a job you're passionate about! I have a friend who just this summer decided she's tired of working for other people and wants to have her own business, and so she moved to San Fran and got into this really neat venture that promises to be really successful."

 

And then I wait for the other person's hopefully appreciative response. Depending upon what they say, I might respond with, "You know, I keep wanting to just put it all out there and make my living as a fiction writer...." And then again see how they respond. And then I might turn it on to them: "What would you like to do, work-wise, if you could do any work you wanted?"

 

Here I'm often met with pleased surprise; perhaps no one has ever asked them that before...and perhaps even they have never thought of it.

 

So in short, I basically just put myself out there: genuinely interested in them, open about my passions and dreams, and soliciting the other person to share their own passions and dreams by just putting it right there as something worth talking about (and safe to talk about).

 

Hope this helps--and I'll bet you're better at soliciting meaningful conversations than you think; that's suggested by the fact that you're keen enough for meaningful conversation to ask how to encourage it to happen!

 

Thanks for the tips; that helps a lot. I'm looking forward to giving this a try and getting some better conversations rolling. How has it worked for you so far?