What would you say to this? Women respond only, I need a female perspective

[SC]

Ok, put yourself in this situation. You've been going out with me for almost 9 months, and you had felt for a fair while that you didn't love me anymore, you still cared about me but the love you had has gone. You are also moving away to a university 180 miles away in October, but I am about to graduate this year and have a job for 1 year, but am considering doing a masters at the same university the following year, which scares you.

 

If I was ever to speak to Racehl regarding us getting back together I would want to say this to her, this is no excuse it is the honest truth.

 

If I had put myself in your shoes, I would have probably began to feel very negative about our relationship about 2-3 months ago, because u felt I had totally changed. And you're right I had changed. However, I feel I changed because I was genuinely feeling really bad and pressures about a lot of things, none of them is because of you or is your fault. I had a massive row with my parents regarding getting this job as they dont feel it will do me any good, although literaly everyone else I know does. I had no money and struggled to survive or eat, and it really got me down. The deadline for my dissertation was also approaching and although I didn't let on very much I felt really pressured by it because it was so big and I hadnt done too much on it. And also I was becoming really jealous of her as I feel she is a lot more intelligent than I am, and she is going to such a better university than I am at at the moment. She is a lot more literate than I am, and thinks things through in a lot more logical manner, where I as usually do things the hard way. Thats why I want to go to durham, partly to see her, but also for personal satisfaction. Okay, tehre are lots of good places I could go to, but after doing a bit of research on the uni's (bear in mind that this research is VERY limited) but Durham is the only place to even consider doing a masters in Marketing, so that has backed my case up a bit for wanting to go. Before this all started, I felt things were good between us, you always contacted me, we were happy together whenever we were out, ok we still had stupid arguments that were mostly my fault but things were good and i felt secure. When this all happened, I began to feel like I depended on you for emotional support, and although I got it to an acceptable degree by anyone, I felt I wanted more, and I was unfair to do this. I wasn't being positive, I was totally negative. I feel I did this to get some more support, but all it did was push you away. Things really went bad then. I began to feel as though you were losing your feelings for me. And because of that I began to feel worse. I felt like I was completly dependent on you to be my role model. I began to feel I was falling in love with you, which I realise now wasnt the case becuase I felt too dependent on you. I feel as though I should be more ambitious, that is why I am changing the way I talk (I have a fairly heavy Liverpool accent) to try and hide my accent as much as poss, using words that have a more literate base (e.g. changing 'putting someone down' to 'derogitorising', or 'detremental').

 

Now that we have split up it has been a wake up call to me. Ok, over the last 3 weeks I have realised my mistakes and am trying to be the person that I used to be, and the person that you loved. But we had hardly seen each other or hardly been in contact, and everytime we have you have been very distant from me, ok you've hugged and kissed me a couple of times, but I genuinlely feel that I didn't get the time to change back to the person I was. It takes time to get rid of these bad emotions, but I feel that I am doing my absolute best. I would absolutely love it if you gave me another chance, and more time to 'recover', because if you did, you may begin to see the person that you used to love again, and you may love me again. All I want is a casual relationship, and I messed it up by getting too serious. I just want to feel happy with you, like i used to, and for you to feel happy with me again. I can't force it, but if you gave me some more time, it may come naturally. I don't think the same would happen in October, because I could just accept that you are moving away, the way I was just going to accept it anyway. I don't want you to feel tied down either. If you feel it isn't working still then I would be happier then if we did split up, it's just the time factor with all this, it wasn't long enough. And I am in pain, because I know what I'm like when I'mhappy, and I was happy the other night when Liverpool made it to the champs league, I know, thats a bad example, but I hadn't felt that happy in a while, not since a good 3 months ago. But you make me happy, I want to smile at you again, laugh with you, hold you, for you to hold me back willingly, tell you I love you again, and for you to tell me the same. I know it would be a while for that to happen again if you were to accept me back. But I feel that you were happy also when we did that. I feel that you didn't really want to come to this decision on Monday, and I also believe that it can happen again if we give it effort, and give each other time, and make time for each other. Please, I still love you, not in the way that makes me dependent on you the way I was. I just love you. Please, think about giving me one more chance to make you happy.

 

 

 

Sorry I know it's a lot, but if you were my ex girlfriend, how would you respond to that? Is it putting on you too much pressure, or does it make you feel that you should try to help me, and that hopefully it would help you? Please, I need hope, and this is how I think it can work.

[Red Flag Rick]

well, if i had feelings, i would be so hurt that you did not ask for a gay man's opinion!!! but since i have tons of female friends and i have danced this dance before, i thought i would respond to you in spite of your directive for female responses only - here's my first tidbit - str8 females tell their gay male friends everything - we know more than you can ever imagine about your relationships, so if your girl has a gay male friend, get to know him - he has been hearing about your relationship forever. and he can be a valuable resource for you. but for now, i will try to give you some insight with what little i know about your deal.

 

sounds like you have been through the same cycle that i have witnessed over and over with my str8 male and female friends - the guy screws up and only finds out he screwed up really bad when the girl exits, stage left, or sends some other signal that her man needs to get it together... (flirting with other guys, leaving a guy's phone number out so you can find it, etc..) .... so you messed up - don't freak - you aren't the only guy to look up one day and find himself regretting his past mistakes... consider this your wake-up call, and understand that a healthy relationship with a gal starts with you. and it has to do with the way you view yourself, and with the knowledge you have to lead and manage the relationship for the future... so from what i read, you need to get to work on yourself and regardless if you can get her back, you must grow so that your next relationship with a gal will not end up like this one...

 

from your post, i see that you are not sure of yourself - that's ok - we are all insecure at one time or another, and most of us live our lives fighting our own insecurities... but you need to know that this is the root of your issues with yourself, and with your relationships - not only with your girl, but with everyone in your life... i call it your "value" or your "self-esteem..." and i am an advocate for folks doing what is necessary so that they can place the highest value on themselves, because it affects everything else in their lives....

 

there is a reason why you are in this dilemma, and it may not have to do with you completely, as it usually takes two to tango - but the male has the responsibility to lead and manage the relationship, and if you already admit that your girl has not loved you for a while, there are reasons why, and you need to explore them... if you were looking to her as a role model and for constant validation, then i am sure she feels smothered and confused, because the roles are reversed - you should be the one to set the tone in the relationship and you should be the one to lead and manage the relationship, not her... females do not want to be controlled, but they do expect for their man to be the gentleman and lead... remember where they are coming from - their knight in shining armor - their Prince Charming... they want to look up to their man and respect him because he respects himself and has learned how to lead and manage their expectations.... they think completely differently from dudes and if a guy wants to have a life long partnership with a girl, he better learn how they think and he better evolve and become the man that it takes to manage a successful lifetime union...

 

My best advice to you right now is this - you are wanting her back, and i know you hurt. but wanting her back is not enough, and sending her a letter won't cut it..... you gotta get started on your inner growth immediately - and you can do this - lots of guys take this "growth" ball and run with it and never look back. Your growth is more important than worrying about getting her back right now - if i am correct, she doesn't want you like you are now - she wants you after you have grown.... she may not want you then, as she may be tired of you smothering her and neglecting her needs.... so walk the walk, and remember that girls are tired of hearing lip service from guys - they want to see action. and by the way, your message to her is filled with excuses - i would not send it - girls are tired of hearing their men try to wiggle out of reality...

 

so take action by searching my screen name on this board - read the posts that i respond to - learn about how to increase your value - learn about setting expectations - learn about red flags - educate yourself as much as you can about healthy relationships and healthy self-esteem.. you gotta do this first, or else it is all in vain and you will suffer one miserable relationship after the next.... and you are worth more than that.

 

So you are not perfect - i bet you obsess about your weaknesses and you do not give your strengths nearly as much time.... so immediately think about your strengths - write them down and keep them handy - if you beat yourself up about the way you talk, or that someone else is smarter than you, you are doing daily damage to your value and it is crucial that you begin to change your inner conversation with yourself. i lived through a time when i could not even walk to the mailbox to get my mail because i was so insecure - so i have been to the bottom and i know what damage it can do - it has taken me years to build up my value, and once i got there, i fell into the most incredible relationship i have ever experienced - and it all has to do with the fact that i cared enough to change and grow. i sense that you want to change, and i hope you understand that your desire can be the catylist for this growth and you have the possibility of becoming a real man - a man that healthy women crave.... and once again, you can do this. the time of your self-doubt needs to come to an end and the boy from liverpool needs to be reborn so he can evolve into the man i sense he truly wants to be.

 

also, remember this - you are wanting to experience a long distance relationship with your current girl - this adds a whole new set of problems to the situation, and from what i read, you are nowhere near managing a ldr right now.... i am in a ldr and my value is mighty high at this point - and i can tell ya, it takes a helluva lotta work to make a ldr work when two folks are emotionally healthy. so remember this and remember that your time will be better spent if you work on yourself and focus on your growth right now. predicting what will happen with your girl is wasted time right now because of the reality of your situation....

 

and if i can help you further, please do not hesitate to email me.... i may not be a female, but i'll do my best to assist you in your journey.... and not to diss females, but you need to be very aware of the advice you receive - lots of folks and their responses make my gay skin crawl, so be careful. there are some mighty jaded, bitter folks out there, male and female, and some of their advice tells me that they need to go have their meds adjusted, and they definitely do not need to be dispensing advice on this board.

[lost_in_chgo]

Originally posted by Red Flag Rick

there are some mighty jaded, bitter folks out there, male and female, and some of their advice tells me that they need to go have their meds adjusted, and they definitely do not need to be dispensing advice on this board.

 

LOL, ain't that the truth

[SC]

Well, I don't think it will ever happen again now anyway. I went out last night with my housemate to a club called Zanzibar. We were there for 5 mins until one of Rachel's friends comes to talk to me about her, then she says that she is out at Zanzibar also. I think OMG! Then she comes over and sits with her friends. I get dragged away by this lad who heres whats going on and he goes and buys me 4 tequilas (obviously didn't drink them all, infact only 1). Then when I have the tequila she asks me why I'm hanging around her friends so I say they came to me. I was thinking what to say next until this loudmouth from work comes over and completly ruins it all, and even laughs at me. I felt so upset, and she ran off. I was getting a bit drunk later on so I went over to her to try to finish what I was saying before, and she flipped for saying I was following her. I later find out although she doesn't want a relationship she fancies someone else. So soon after breaking up, did 9 months mean nothing? Could our relationship be swept away just like that? That can't happen. Although one of her friends says she thinks nothing will happen of it I feel now that I have failed, and that she will never go back out with me. I wrote her a letter today explaining what happened last night and apologising. I also finished what I wanted to say, which was I want to see you soon, I know you've been avoiding me. If you don't want to see me thats fine, but at least tell me instead of just leaving me, because it is tearing me apart. Even if its only for friendship that we carry on seeing each other. I gave it to her when she finished work, cos we work the same place. OK, I know I only just got back, but so far no response. Is she gonna carry on doing to me what she knows it killing me? I've messed it up, but it was just so frustrating cos I've blown all chances of success on something I couldnt avoid, and was a shock to me as well as her.