Lost without her, even now

[Lostboyz]

Hey guys, I'm really new here and I came here to say my situation, but most importantly to get some help from people who know what they're talking about.

 

I messed up the relationship I had with "the one" she has a beautiful personality and is a very attractive woman and everything that a guy could ask for really. I look back and STILL wander why I threw it all away. I'm not asking for sympathy because I'm the one holding my hands up.

 

I messed up really badly, we're young but I WAS naive. We were both 19 when the relationship started and it ended four months ago. We were together for a year and a half so we know each other very well.

 

I miss her so much now.... I missed alot of things: birthdays, anniversaries, when she passed exams. I missed out on doing something really good for her. I have a part time job while I study so I could of done something but I didn't. This obviously tested the relationship, she didn't feel like I appreciated her and I said I would change at the time, but I didn't. She would always forgive me for it until I ended it.

 

I ended it because I needed time, I needed to figure out if she was what I wanted (I wasn't looking for someone else) I just needed to know whether what we had was right for the both of us, I felt like I was making too many mistakes and I didn't want to continue hurting her despite her forgiving me (not forgetting) and when I asked for a break (that's what I wanted) she told me if I ended it, there wouldn't be a another chance, but I really needed my space and I selfishly wanted no matter what she said or whatever the conseqeunces were and it ended - whats even more worse, the conversation happened over MSN!

 

----

 

Fast forward to today, we are friends but I feel second-best all the time, I kind of deserve it but I feel like I devote all the time I can to her and when I tell her about my emotions or how I feel or tell that I feel as though she is leaving me out or something... we argue over it.

 

We argue alot, I stir it up but not to cause an argument - just so I can explain my feelings because she needs to know them! (although I later read online girls don't wanna hear your sob story, they have broke hearts too)

 

Wow I'm sorry this is SOO long... I really love her. I go to her when I'm upset, to tell her everything, she was my bestfriend as well as girlfriend. I can't cope being her "casual everyday friend" and I don't want to let her go, but I do want to make her happy, I want to be her man again but our friendship isn't perfect either and on top of what happened in the relationship its not going to happen and she has said "it's not gonna happen" and I don't know whether that means now (but maybe in time) or never?

 

I really stuffed up. I don't know what to say or what to do. We just had an argument over the weekend and we haven't spoken since, I have apologized for it (in person) and that's about as far as its gone.

 

I messed up the relationship, its been four months of us being "friends" and I've messed that up. I don't know what to do, I don't want to be her friend, I want to be her man and I don't want to make her choose because that would be wrong.

 

Please give me whatever help you can. I know I stuffed this r'ship and friendship up and its all my fault. I do love her and right now its hard to prove when I only want to prove it to her as her boyfriend and nothing else.

 

Sorry this is so LONG!!!

 

Any help or advice or anything, please.

 

Lostboyz

 

thanks

[lovesickmonkey]

I feel like I've been in your situation before. She's a terrific woman and yet you can't seem to bring yourself to do the right thing ... to treat her how she deserves to be treated so you end it. You may feel full of regret and remorse but you have to ask yourself if anything would be different if you got another chance. Wouldn't you be right back where you were? Wouldn't you still be doubting if she was the one or if you could do right by her? I think you gave it your best shot, no? I've felt the same remorse about some very special women in my life. Sometimes I HAVE gotten back together with them only to have the same issues resurface ... and we split up again.