Almost a year on

[cj2]

Been a while since I posted on here, but feel like its time for an update, if only to clear my head a bit.

 

So its 11 and a bit a months now since the breakup that led to me finding this site in the first place. For the most part I guess, I’m over it. In fact looking back to some of the posts I made at the time, I’ve come such a long way. The past four or five months, I’ve had one of, if not the most fun summers of my life; festivals, raves, running, cycling, surfing, camping. I really threw myself into the whole ‘improving myself’ thing at the start of the year. I’m a bit fitter than I was (I wasn’t completely unfit to start with), stopped smoking, gave up caffiene, improved my diet. Generally I’d say I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I’ve noticed a big change in my confidence as well, I’m not as quiet as I used to be, not as shy, I carry a lot more self beleif and feel a lot stronger.

 

Three or so months ago I decided to put myself out there and do the whole online dating thing. My previous few relationships have always developed out of circles of friends/work, so this was all a bit new to me and all in all, a throughly bizzare experience. There were a couple of awkward dates to start with, a couple that followed where I was keen but they weren’t, one that was the reversal, another that seemed keen and went straight into playing mind games (got out of that VERY quickly). Then last month there was one which went, well rather well actually. We both liked each other, we both decided after a couple of weeks to date exclusivley and to be ‘official’.

 

So far so good? Thats where its starts to get a bit more complicated. Firstly, I’ve recently noticed I’m thinking about the ex again. I dreamed about her last night for the first time in six months maybe and it freaked me out a little. Let’s get this clear, I don’t love her anymore, she hurt me really badly (read my last thread from February if you want some insight), I haven’t shed a tear over her in at least three months. On the one hand this new girl is everything the ex wasn’t, reliable, kind, drama free, she has her **** together by all accounts, our relationship in that sense is so EASY and its an absolute pleasure. On the other, I’m finding it hard to get her to open up to me, I find that I’m leading the way in everything, talking about feelings, initiating sex etc. It also worries me slightly because the new girl is clearly very busy in her job/career, but doesn’t have much else going on in terms of activities and interests outside of that. There have been a couple of times already, when I wonder how happy she is with her life in general and if I’m filling a void.

 

Question I find myself asking, is where do I go from here? I don’t think this a rebound, but I do think I have unfinished business with the ex. It’s been 7 months NC now and the last time I spoke to her, it was left on a note where I told her that I needed an indefinite amount of space. I’ve been considering sending an email, just to tell her that I am ok, that I forgive her (even if I won’t ever forget) and that I hope her life turns out ok. Pointless maybe? I guess I’m just not one who likes to leave things on a bad note. I don’t beleive we will ever be friends, but I almost feel like I need to make some sort of peace (even if its just from within myself), because however it gets left now is how its left for eternity.

 

Thats the easy bit. The new girlfriend is where things get complicated. After all I read on here, I’ve been ultra careful as to avoid a rebound. I’m not sure if its that paranoia thats stopping my feelings developing any stronger, or if its the concerns I listed above. I wonder if I should give it more time, to see if it develops from liking her a lot to loving her. But I also don’t want to hurt her feelings and the longer I let it go on without feeling love, the more I feel that I am likely to end up doing just that.

 

If anyone has any advice, it’d be really much appreciated..

Edited October 3, 2011 by cj2

[cj2]

My personal view is if you have any unfinished business with your ex don't go further into a relationship. It's not fair on you and it's certainly not fair on her. My current gf still has a lot of undealt with stuff about her ex and it's caused a whole whirlwind of **** in our relationship. I'm in a relationship and yet here I am on a breaking up forum, not a good look is it?

 

I know where you are coming from, I mean ex actually left me twice in total, the first because of feelings for her ex that she hadn't dealt with. I don't think I explained what I meant by unfinished business very well. I took a lot of time out after the relationship ended to work through my feelings and feel comfortable and happy in myself before even dating again, because I wouldn't want to subject someone to the situation I was put through. This is why the last few days have taken me by surprise so much, because I hadn't really thought about her for months.

 

When I say I have unfinished business, I literally think I mean the fact that it was left on a bad note. I mean she f**ked me over something rotten in many respects, but if I'm happy and have reached a stage where I couldn't care less about the past, in some way it kind of feels wrong to think that she could still be carrying guilt for what happened. Does that make any sense?

 

With the new girl, I think I'm just hyper vigilent following my previous experiences. When dating I was so much more wary of any red flags than in the past that maybe I'm reading way too much into it at an early stage.

[january2011]

I don't think it's true that how things are left now are how they are left for eternity.

 

Unless something really bad happened between you two, the next time you meet her (if ever) you'll probably be polite and adult. In most cases, you both know you will never be friends and it will be pointless to re-hash what happened in the past so you default to being polite and adult.

 

Unless there's something going on that you haven't mentioned, it's likely that the dreams are just part of it being your 'almost' one-year anniversary, a time of review and contemplation. Thinking about her again doesn't mean that you are not 'over' her. Pining for her and allowing thoughts of her to affect your everyday functioning would indicate that you are not 'over' her, but you don't seem to be doing that.

 

Getting on with you life and just occasionally acknowledging that a year or so ago you were living a different life is normal, in my opinion.

 

I wrote in another thread recently about closure. You don't need to send her anything physically or electronically to give yourself closure. Instead, visualise it in your mind, waving her off and wishing her well. Sending her an actual message will achieve nothing but a re-hashing while you wait for her response. Will you really still be satisfied if she doesn't respond to say, "it's okay, me too?" She may well ignore your message, which could set you back as you bean-plate the reasons why. If the response is not important then do the visualisation instead, because then the focus is on you sending good feelings out towards her rather than getting them back.

 

Regarding your current girlfriend, take it slowly. Whether she is a rebound or not. You are both adults. You either want to be in this relationship or you don't. Sometimes, I think that we can put too much pressure on ourselves to get to a certain stage in a relationship and can end up rushing things. I've found that people who have suffered the heartbreak of the end of a first love or an LTR are particularly prone to this because of the comparisons and need for validation. Unless you are planning to link up your finances and/or marriage and kids, just go with the flow for now and try not to overthink it.

[ken_25]

Well I think it's normal for you to start thinking about the ex again. After one of my relationships that lasted nearly two years, I met this girl (online) nearly 8 months out of my break up and I really did like her. But for the first month or so I would still have thoughts about the ex. It seemed like i wasn't truly over her, but weeks later I just kind of stopped thinking about her. When I did it was usually to answer a question about my ex that my current g/f at the time would ask. It's probably mainly because it's the first potentially serious g/f you've had since your ex. So, if you do stay with this girl, it's likely you'll just sort of stop thinking about the ex as you become more emotionally involved.

 

Now, as far as her not opening up, it's only been a month right? If that's the case, she may just be a little more reserved than you are. There could be something more to it, but I wouldn't over analyze too much right now. It's good to go with your gut instinct on this.

 

It's probably unneccesary to contact the ex, you may think emailing her would help, but it very well may not do anything. If it does, it might be miniscule. I don't really see the harm this far out, but as I said, it's probably truly unnecessary.