is it going to start again?

[myname]

Trust me when I say I was not bashing women in my post, I was saying that men or just more visually emotional. I can tell you as of right now I'm not the same person I was before the A started. I feel alone and sad at times for the obvious reasons and alot of people of noticed it in my face and posture. I never said that I wanted my xAp to hurt I was just curious if she was because it never showed it and she never said it. Where I have told her. But that's all in the past now I just want to move forward in my life now with my W. But I still hurt and from what I'm reading I probably will for a long time to come.

 

But you're not alone, you are still moving forward with your wife.

 

It's great to have input here from men in affairs, cos it's quite rare, and I really want to understand why you feel so bereft and alone because I am single, and my xMM gave me an awful hard time when I finished things with him, but I don't get it, cos he's still with his wife. I'm the one who's alone but he's acting like he's the one who's been left alone. If I can understand from you what you're going through maybe I can come to terms better with what happened for me.

 

I could never understand how he could feel like the victim in all this when he continues his marriage with the comfort of his wife and their life together to continue and work at yet he acts as though I left him all alone when it's me that's single and having to start over again on my own.

[spice4life]

This I will agree with, I believe that I was far more attached to her than she was to me and yes Mr. H and my situations are totally different however his feelings of what he's looking for are not. Yes, my xMW made a choice, it didn't involve me, she went right back home and became the good wife since my spouse opted not to tell her H. Even in pursuing her after it was 'over' I was met with resistance, she made her decision and I assume, it was exciting, fun, taboo, new, UNTIL, we got caught and then it was none of those things for her, just a way for her security at home to be destroyed.

 

I understand women are master's of hiding their emotions, but when I stand in front of you, tell you what I want, what Im willing to do with my eyes filled with tears (insert violins here), and you look at me with nothing....I think I know exactly where I stand and I don't think she stayed away out of respect for me since at that time, I was pretty much out the door. Her response when I told her what I was doing so we could be together, "yeah, let me know how that goes."

 

I understand your pain as I've been there myself, but it was my mm who was the master of masking his feelings (I front of me anyway). So I don't think it's a gender issue, it's the one who is more emotionally invested that is left holding the bag. You could be male or female and experience what you are going through. It sounds like your MW got scared when she was hit with the reality of what she stood to lose and chose her H.

[spice4life]

Trust me when I say I was not bashing women in my post, I was saying that men or just more visually emotional. I can tell you as of right now I'm not the same person I was before the A started. I feel alone and sad at times for the obvious reasons and alot of people of noticed it in my face and posture. I never said that I wanted my xAp to hurt I was just curious if she was because it never showed it and she never said it. Where I have told her. But that's all in the past now I just want to move forward in my life now with my W. But I still hurt and from what I'm reading I probably will for a long time to come.

 

No worries, I don't think your bashing women. You are experiencing the grief of losing someone you cared about and that's okay and perfectly normal. You will be a lot stronger a person once you come out on the other side of this. I think both men and women are visually emotional when they are hurt by someone who didn't care as much as they did. It really hurts when someone rips your heart out and stomps on it no matter who you are.

 

It sounds like you're progressing though.

[Emme]

Rick I remember everything said by you and Mr. H. Now I want you to pay attention to what you have said.

 

I had it all set up and ready to go, I told her what I wanted, I showed her, and with all due respect I refuse to go so far as to get a restraining order or a protective order issued against me to 'prove' anything to anyone.

 

What “ready to go” really means for you – I am ready to walk contingent upon OW’s choice of leaving her spouse also.

 

When “ready to go” should mean – I am at the end of trying to make my marriage work and I am moving forward with my life. Regardless of whether or not the OW is going to be by my side.

 

It’s a slap in your wife’s face that you were going to walk but then decided she can be a consolation prize because your “real” endeavors didn’t work out. I want you to look at it from that perspective.

 

The love was there until we got caught, then she ran right back home, at first concerned my wife would tell her husband and when she didn't, she became the good wife who made a mistake with the man she was so in love with, that she had never felt a connection with like anyone else, but despite being so in love, "still loved" her husband "and wasn't ready to leave him" and that was even said during the A.

 

You did the same thing. You ran back home. You might have chosen to leave but in the end you went back home. You didn’t want to risk ending a marriage you no longer wanted.

 

Even after, as I tried to talk to her I was shut out, thrown a bone here and there and then told to leave her alone, move on, don't ever contact her again, despite me telling her I missed my friend. While some here may appreciate the male perspective, it is always shot down and dismissed in that we are wrong.

 

You accepted the bone. You didn’t want the meat. If you wanted the meat you would have rang her doorbell and told her husband to his face I’m in love with your wife and she’s in love with me.

 

Sorry you feel that others think you are wrong, I believe it’s more about how you draw a picture that hits a nerve. I’m going to be honest there are many nice OW here on this board, peaceful ones. A few MM/MW need a swift kick for the stunts they pull and things their spouses will never know. Some OW/OM can be hell on earth to their ex-AP but they choose to go quietly. Some have chosen to keep their complaints to themselves and not try to place the blame.

 

Why is it I have to fight for her (which I did), why is it Im the one who has to show emotion (I did), but if she did none of these things it was purely out of respect for me?

 

You have to be the one to fight for her. You’re here on LoveShack. She isn’t. This woman has taken your heart in 3 months to the point you have to seek assistance to cope with what’s happening to you. You are the one that fell deep in love. If she was here I would tell her the same thing but you’re the one that’s posting, not her.

 

Just wanted to say again I am not beating up on you guys… I just want you to step back and look at it from another angle.

Edited November 5, 2011 by Emme

[mr h]

Myname i hope i can help you out. Yes i am moving foward with my wife and trying to be the best man that i can be to her. But and im only speaking for myself here, when my A started with my friend of over 20yrs we said that it would just be physical no emotions at all. Well that lasted about a week if that long, she got very attached to me at first it was quite obvious well over a 1000 texts in a months time constant phone calls. Then she hit me with a few "i love yous" and a "i think im falling for you" now remember this was 8 months ago now. Then i admit i got very emotional after seeing how good she was to me how she treated me and just a connection we seemed to have, im not going to lie it was great maybe because it was new or something different. Like i have said before i have never cheated before this A and i have always loved my wife and still do but things do get routine after a while and while thats no excuse for what i did it was a big reason why it did happen. Then my xAp just told me one day that we would not be having sex any longer because i was getting to attached to her and maybe she was right. Im not sure if you have read this whole thread but now my xAp is playing what i believe to be head games with me but thats a differnt story. Yes i am moving on with my wife but i did have real fellings for this women and guess what you cant just shut them off like a light. And it hurts that those feeling arent being given back to you is that selfish maybe but thats why i got sad anyway. As for as for feeling alone alot of marriages there is alot of alone time between the spouses because of work,shopping,kids etc. Well during an affair those alone times are when the A took place now that there is nothing going on and yes you can find things to do but your mind will think about the A and then you start to feel alone again selfish. hope that helps you out some what.

[mr h]

Spice was wonder why you think something i wrong with my story? And trust me my xAp isnt stalking me at all is she playing head games yes i will agree with you on that. And you are right i did need to feel validated by this women, but isnt that normal in any kind of relationship? Maybe you can tell me why i need this women to validate me and i think its more then just an ego thing. Im not trying to be argumenative with you i am really look for answers thats all.

[2sunny]

IF I were into married men and stealing them away from their wives - its a simple game... Make him feel really special - the king - flirt with him - tell him how amazing and fabulous he is above anyone I've ever met - treat him with the utmost respect and honor - listen to him intently - find ways to connect with his vulnerable areas - find shared interests and hobbies- shower him with hot, passionate nasty sex like he's never known. Challenge and interest him intellectually - play!!! Be playful, laugh and have glorious fun!!!

 

I could choose to steal men away from their families all the time - but I don't/won't... Because my moral compass doesn't go their and my conscience doesn't allow it.

 

The fact that this woman did go there - tells you a great deal about her heart and soul...

 

Stop looking back at her - look forward- at repairing the damage you caused within yourself and with your wife. Do actions to repair that damage you caused!

[whichwayisup]

but now my xAp is playing what i believe to be head games with me but thats a differnt story.

 

And keep reacting, that's playing her game. Give her any kind of attention, negative reaction, she loves it. The only way to deal with someone who is playing games is just not to play. Go stealth, go quiet.

 

My concern though for you, since she's playing games, what else is she capable of? Meaning, she could take it to next level and tell your wife about the affair. Never say never.

 

Editted to add .. I see a few others have the same thoughts as me, just read more of your thread.

[2sunny]

Maybe he secretly wants the OW to tell so he doesn't have to be the one.

[RickFox]

Rick I remember everything said by you and Mr. H. Now I want you to pay attention to what you have said.

 

 

 

What “ready to go” really means for you – I am ready to walk contingent upon OW’s choice of leaving her spouse also.

 

When “ready to go” should mean – I am at the end of trying to make my marriage work and I am moving forward with my life. Regardless of whether or not the OW is going to be by my side.

 

It’s a slap in your wife’s face that you were going to walk but then decided she can be a consolation prize because your “real” endeavors didn’t work out. I want you to look at it from that perspective.

 

You're right, it was a slap in her face.

 

You did the same thing. You ran back home. You might have chosen to leave but in the end you went back home. You didn’t want to risk ending a marriage you no longer wanted.

 

I didn't run back home, I was out the door, I told my wife I had an apartment. When it was said and done, I was asked to not leave and we had a long discussion about me staying despite my feelings for the other woman which she was well aware of.

 

You accepted the bone. You didn’t want the meat. If you wanted the meat you would have rang her doorbell and told her husband to his face I’m in love with your wife and she’s in love with me.

 

Why should I do that after she's told me she and I were over? If throughout the entire A she keeps talking about how she's not ready to leave her husband, where is my incentive to do that? IMO she would have denied it to the end. She always said she came oh so close to telling him that she was in love with me, never did though, but I did in fact tell my wife (unfortunately) exactly how I felt about the xOW. So basically it's up to the male and male only to make that move is what Im seeing most here say.

 

Sorry you feel that others think you are wrong, I believe it’s more about how you draw a picture that hits a nerve. I’m going to be honest there are many nice OW here on this board, peaceful ones. A few MM/MW need a swift kick for the stunts they pull and things their spouses will never know. Some OW/OM can be hell on earth to their ex-AP but they choose to go quietly. Some have chosen to keep their complaints to themselves and not try to place the blame.

 

 

 

You have to be the one to fight for her. You’re here on LoveShack. She isn’t. This woman has taken your heart in 3 months to the point you have to seek assistance to cope with what’s happening to you. You are the one that fell deep in love. If she was here I would tell her the same thing but you’re the one that’s posting, not her.

 

You're right, except the three months was where it progressed from a year long EA I reckon where all things began falling in place, so it wasn't just the three months, it was a culmination. You're right, I am the one that fell and apparently she did not, so again, it falls only on the shoulders of the male. She came out and told my wife she was in love with me and then right after slammed the door in my face. So I have to fight for what? Someone who wants to play a game? What more does I Want to be with you mean? You tell me I either want her or don't, why does that not apply to her? It's not contingent upon me up and leaving, if two people can't make plans then what good is any of it ,and again, she told me over and over again she wasn't ready to leave him. Hell, even when I screwed up and saw her recently, I told her how I felt in depth, what I wanted again, what I would do to get it and I got nothing in return.....so Im sorry I refuse to go knocking on their door to make a further fool of myself for nothing when I've done that enough already. I have a woman who fought like hell for me...unfortunately I have done what I've done to her...and none of it is nice.

 

Just wanted to say again I am not beating up on you guys… I just want you to step back and look at it from another angle.

 

 

I'm looking at it from your angle,but are you looking at it from ours?

[spice4life]

Spice was wonder why you think something i wrong with my story? And trust me my xAp isnt stalking me at all is she playing head games yes i will agree with you on that. And you are right i did need to feel validated by this women, but isnt that normal in any kind of relationship? Maybe you can tell me why i need this women to validate me and i think its more then just an ego thing. Im not trying to be argumenative with you i am really look for answers thats all.

 

All I was trying to say is that I'm surprised that your wife has not picked up on something regarding this woman. We are very intuitive and while we may not be able to pinpoint what's going on, we have sense that something is off. That's what seems odd to me.

[mr h]

I never said that just an physical affair was ok my xAp were just trying to set some boundaries. Spice my wife has picked up on certain things like my xAp used to come over the house all the time and now never comes by same thing with the phone calls. Also my wife has said she thinks that my xAp tells her things hoping they get back to me. But then she just plays it off as she is flakey. Sunny no I don't want to get caught and I don't think my xAp does either. I was just telling my story because myname asked for some help.

[Emme]

You're right, it was a slap in her face.

 

Time to put in work on fixing that face you hurt.

 

 

I didn't run back home, I was out the door, I told my wife I had an apartment. When it was said and done, I was asked to not leave and we had a long discussion about me staying despite my feelings for the other woman which she was well aware of.

 

The thing is you didn’t stay out the door. The point and time came when you said your marriage was over. You hadn’t loved your wife in a long time. Even before this other woman came along. She was not number one. You didn’t try to work on it then because you didn’t care to. I am happy for you now that you’ve chosen to work on your marriage instead of running without an attempt. My thing is how can you change your mind so fast? Have you truly taken the time to know what it is you want out of life? Not just going in whatever direction it leads you. That goes for your wife and the other woman. Are you truly focused on your wants and needs or are you pulling the wool back over your eyes? That goes for the both of you guys.

 

 

Why should I do that after she's told me she and I were over? If throughout the entire A she keeps talking about how she's not ready to leave her husband, where is my incentive to do that? IMO she would have denied it to the end. She always said she came oh so close to telling him that she was in love with me, never did though, but I did in fact tell my wife (unfortunately) exactly how I felt about the xOW. So basically it's up to the male and male only to make that move is what Im seeing most here say.

 

 

I think you do it because it’s what you want. I mean honestly I think she stayed for her child. Not for her husband. Many stay because they want their child to have a family and I can’t fault her for that. Neither should you. You should not be looking for any incentive is what I’m saying. This is not the let’s make a deal show. If you want out of your marriage you shouldn’t look for someone to pull you out of that marriage. That’s all I am saying. If you want to walk, walk with your freedom papers. Don’t look for another person to be by your side.

 

It’s up to the man to be a man, unfortunately (sexists yes but its true). Not a boy waiting for a mother to drag his hand in the direction she wants to go. Everyone is old enough to cross the street by themselves.

 

 

You're right, except the three months was where it progressed from a year long EA I reckon where all things began falling in place, so it wasn't just the three months, it was a culmination. You're right, I am the one that fell and apparently she did not, so again, it falls only on the shoulders of the male. She came out and told my wife she was in love with me and then right after slammed the door in my face. So I have to fight for what? Someone who wants to play a game? What more does I Want to be with you mean? You tell me I either want her or don't, why does that not apply to her? It's not contingent upon me up and leaving, if two people can't make plans then what good is any of it ,and again, she told me over and over again she wasn't ready to leave him. Hell, even when I screwed up and saw her recently, I told her how I felt in depth, what I wanted again, what I would do to get it and I got nothing in return.....so Im sorry I refuse to go knocking on their door to make a further fool of myself for nothing when I've done that enough already. I have a woman who fought like hell for me...unfortunately I have done what I've done to her...and none of it is nice.

 

 

The only plan you should have made was that your marriage has over. The marriage being over means you were ready to move on with your life of being a man no longer married to someone he once loved. That’s what should have happened in your mind.

 

Instead what you did was place all of these emotions on having a safety net for when you leave on this woman who would be there. You can’t put all your eggs in one basket. You guys didn’t even have a basket yet. It’s still fresh and new. If you guys dated for least say a month then you would be a single guy now. A relationship is all it is and those sometimes don’t last. Your marriage would have been proof of that.

 

All I want people to know who ever is reading this is if your ready to walk you better be ready to do that walk alone. Be prepared for it. So if you are leaving your spouse to play house with someone new be prepared to be a bachelor/bachelorette.

 

 

I'm looking at it from your angle,but are you looking at it from ours?

 

 

I am looking at it at your angle. You’re a man upset that she left you out there standing by yourself. You are entitled to have your emotions but all I am saying is everyone is an adult at the end of all this and no one twisted anyone’s arm to be involved. Lets all learn how to cope and move forward.

 

F*ck ‘em!

[RickFox]

Emme,

 

I got ya. You'r right on many accounts. I don't know what her motive for staying was/is. Perhaps it was the 'kid', she did once say I'd do anything to protect 'my kid' or something to that effect.

 

Problem is, she hasn't taken into account my wife much in all of this. She is teetering on telling OW's H. She flaunted the affair in my wife's face, as did I, by using her facebook account. She ate off my plate in front of her at restaurants, she ended up telling her that she fell in love with me, and then without me knowing, ended up telling her what we 'did' ........and all of that for what? The only thing I can see is to have incredible power over my wife and to hurt her. It wasn't for us.

 

Maybe it's easier for me to see it as a game played by her.......just from things i look back on, I see it as just that. and when the game was over, she just went right back to the way it was rather than face any other consequences.

 

I've tried the f*ck em mantra....hasnt worked out too well. But on your points, be prepared to be alone, I should have been...you're absolutely right. and perhaps we are fooling ourselves, perhaps not, I guess time will tell.

[Emme]

F*ck ‘em Mantra hasn’t worked, fine.

 

Here’s what I want you to know. Also tell your wife this.

 

MISERY LOVES COMPANY…

 

Tell your wife don’t waste anymore of her thoughts on this woman. Telling this woman’s husband is just going to create more issues that the both of you don’t need in your life. If you want to be with your wife use your time and energy rebuilding what you once had. It’s hard to wipe the slate clean but do it for your marriage.

 

Your wife really loves you… I mean really. Honey, if that was me I wouldn’t have begged you to stay. As a matter a fact I would have had a garage sale with all your sh*t and whatever was left you could take with you. She has begged you to stay… that my friend is LOVE. Forgiveness is not easy.

 

Remember misery loves company. That OW is not happy in her life. You’ve decided now to be happy in your marriage. Don’t’ allow her poisonous life to infect yours.

[RickFox]

F*ck ‘em Mantra hasn’t worked, fine.

 

Here’s what I want you to know. Also tell your wife this.

 

MISERY LOVES COMPANY…

 

Tell your wife don’t waste anymore of her thoughts on this woman. Telling this woman’s husband is just going to create more issues that the both of you don’t need in your life. If you want to be with your wife use your time and energy rebuilding what you once had. It’s hard to wipe the slate clean but do it for your marriage.

 

Your wife really loves you… I mean really. Honey, if that was me I wouldn’t have begged you to stay. As a matter a fact I would have had a garage sale with all your sh*t and whatever was left you could take with you. She has begged you to stay… that my friend is LOVE. Forgiveness is not easy.

 

Remember misery loves company. That OW is not happy in her life. You’ve decided now to be happy in your marriage. Don’t’ allow her poisonous life to infect yours.

 

Emme, I know she does, God how I know she loves me. Anyone else I'd expect the same reaction as you gave. I wish I could believe she's not happy, she seems so happy on the surface when I see her. I want her to be miserable too, and I tell myself not to waste anymore time on her but some things happened over the past few days, it just reopened some wounds.

[2sunny]

Yo need to find out what was missing in your M that lead you to step into this affair. Until you fix that reason - that is deep inside of you - then you will be capable of repairing the damage you caused... By understanding that you'll never let yourself get to THAT place agin.

 

It takes being honest with your wife - so she canbe in on things IF and when you feel that way again.

 

But your not willing to be honest with her - so I don't see how you can possibly fix this!

[imperfectangel]

yo need to find out what was missing in your m that lead you to step into this affair. Until you fix that reason - that is deep inside of you - then you will be capable of repairing the damage you caused... By understanding that you'll never let yourself get to that place agin.

 

It takes being honest with your wife - so she canbe in on things if and when you feel that way again.

 

But your not willing to be honest with her - so i don't see how you can possibly fix this!

 

this!!!!!!