is it going to start again?

[mr h]

Rick I sorta feel like you do, thinking that my x A partner doesnt care for me at all. But some of the people say they act like this because the care too much. Maybe if I can think of some other signs someone might be able to help us out. Just one last question, is a convo with ex A partner about not being able to have sex anymore but still can be friends is that a clOsure speech? I'm not sure we have talked and texts since that time.

[Emme]

I see lots of similarities but at the same time I can't see how my xMW really cares anymore.

 

 

Exhibit A

Wife has to inform her husband that a "creepy" man tried to talk to her.

Why would she do this? To ensure that you would never be able to approach her and break the barrier she's created since she's scared sh*tless she'll run back into your arms. Her plan was to use her husband as a buffer zone.

 

Exhibit B

She has spread the word that she hates your wife.

Why would she do this? So that word could get back to you and she can use your anger towards her as another reason for you to never reconnect.

 

Either way it doesn't matter. What's done is done. If she is playing games she playing them all alone. In life people have to tell themselves lies to live a happy life. If that's what she's doing it's her loss. All I can tell you is don't live a lie. If you want out of your marriage get out. You're not doing it because of her your doing it for you.

 

Your lover is no more... You are done.... Finished.... Walk away.

[Emme]

Just one last question, is a convo with ex A partner about not being able to have sex anymore but still can be friends is that a clOsure speech?

 

 

:bunny:SMH:bunny: You need some honesty juice. *Get's Mr. H a beer*

 

How long have you been in love with your friend of 20 years?

[mr h]

Emme you are very smart I have had feelings for a long time now. Don't get the honesty quote though.

[Emme]

Sometimes for people to open up you have to give them liquor. It makes the tongue loose. They become more relaxed and honest. That's the honesty juice. I just find some of your post wavering on the line. You still don't have two feet planted on the ground. In some of your post there is a little hatred and then in other post there is a longing to see her again. What is it that you truly feel? Put all the bullsh*t aside. What do you feel?

 

*Hands Mr. H another beer*

[mr h]

Haha.... Very good Emme, ok I'm having a drink as we speak so here it goes. First off I don't hate the woman at all o just don't get the game playing that's all. But because of the help from the people on here I am starting to understand a little better now. I have had very strong feelings for her for a very long time now, and when the A started I was shocked that she wanted to be with me I never thought she had an intrest in me at all. Then one day she told me there has always been something between us. I can't lie she treated me great was nice great sex I was blown away by all of it couldn't believe it was happening. For about 3 months this went on and I know this sounds selfish but it was all good for me. It's terrible because she's married with a daughter. But I miss how she made feel maybe because it was new or maybe because I wanted her for a long time. She would tell me how nice it was to be with me then say how great her husband was, so it was confusing. When this all started we said it was going to just be physical no emotions. That didn't last too long I think she got emotional first even though she said she didnt then I know that I did. I just find myself thinking about her yes because I like her and thinking is she thinking about me?

[Emme]

I have had very strong feelings for her for a very long time now, and when the A started I was shocked that she wanted to be with me I never thought she had an intrest in me at all.

 

She made you feel wanted and desired. That emotion is something that your wife hasn’t given you in a long time. Sometimes you do have to stroke a man’s ego to let him know how special he is. It’s the little things that help in a relationship. It’s not the major things that include money or materialistic things that’s important. There are some people that have husbands/wives and can’t remember the last time they treated them like their favorite stripper. It goes both ways. You don’t have that connection and then here comes someone new to stroke your fur and then you purr like a kitten.

 

 

Then one day she told me there has always been something between us. I can't lie she treated me great was nice great sex I was blown away by all of it couldn't believe it was happening. For about 3 months this went on and I know this sounds selfish but it was all good for me. ? It's terrible because she's married with a daughter

 

Honestly I think you guys have liked each other for a long time but you didn’t pursue it due to fear. She was scared also to try anything for fear of being turned down. For all she knows you could have been the father of her child and that mistake of not opening her mouth to say she liked you is eating her up. Most people are just afraid to ruin what is the known versus taking a leap to the unknown.

 

 

But I miss how she made feel maybe because it was new or maybe because I wanted her for a long time. She would tell me how nice it was to be with me….

 

Your wife can do that. It’s just been so long since you have felt that wanting or needing. Plus as they say people do like something new! So you have to spice it up so it feels like the first time at least once in a while in your relationship. Your wife can be a freak, don’t let the wedding band fool you. It’s just up to the both of you to get there and make the relationship work.

 

then say how great her husband was, so it was confusing. When this all started we said it was going to just be physical no emotions. That didn't last too long I think she got emotional first even though she said she didnt then I know that I did. I just find myself thinking about her yes because I like her and thinking is she thinking about me?

 

Bringing up her husband is a defense mechanism. To bring him up is to stop both you and from thinking this fantasy can be reality. That’s all. We all say no emotions… it doesn’t work. Don’t act as though you didn’t catch feelings also, because you did. You are finding out later rather than sooner. That’s why you’re stuck where you are.

 

She will be thinking of you. You will make her daydream and smile in midday. Trust me.

 

What you have to do now is work on your marriage or face this mistake you made possibly again. Find out what you are lacking and aim to solve the issue. You and Rick have lots of work to do. I think every woman and man here has given you enough insight to understand and accept what has happened. It’s time for you to decide if you are going to stand still or move forward. There’s actually no rush … take your time.

[mr h]

Emme you are right but my problem is this girl is taking over my life. Well that's what it seems like anyway, I feel like I spend every moment thinking about her. I am trying so hard to make things better at home and on some level I know I have, but poof then she comes right back onto my mind it's almost like a siciness. It's hard for me, and trust me I'm not looking for pity here but for months we would talk for hours on end then it slowed down to now I don't hear from at all. And thats killing me I miss hearing from her and what consumes my day is the wondering. Does she check her cell phone to see I called every half hour does she want to see me again does she or did she have feelings for me what is running through her head. It's sad for me because I know she is done with me there will be no more texts or phone calls no more boosting my ego and I just feel like sometimes she's laughing at me because I opened myself up to her and told her everything on how I felt about her. I just think she loves having that info in the back of her mind. I would just love her to say hey we did what we did let's move past and just be friends like before. I know that probably isn't possible. And I have learned her not contacting me could be away she is dealing with the whole situation but honestly I feel like I'm dying inside as I do miss her dearly as a friend and lover.

[woinlove]

Emme you are right but my problem is this girl is taking over my life. Well that's what it seems like anyway, I feel like I spend every moment thinking about her. I am trying so hard to make things better at home and on some level I know I have, but poof then she comes right back onto my mind it's almost like a siciness. It's hard for me, and trust me I'm not looking for pity here but for months we would talk for hours on end then it slowed down to now I don't hear from at all. And thats killing me I miss hearing from her and what consumes my day is the wondering. Does she check her cell phone to see I called every half hour does she want to see me again does she or did she have feelings for me what is running through her head. It's sad for me because I know she is done with me there will be no more texts or phone calls no more boosting my ego and I just feel like sometimes she's laughing at me because I opened myself up to her and told her everything on how I felt about her. I just think she loves having that info in the back of her mind. I would just love her to say hey we did what we did let's move past and just be friends like before. I know that probably isn't possible. And I have learned her not contacting me could be away she is dealing with the whole situation but honestly I feel like I'm dying inside as I do miss her dearly as a friend and lover.

 

It doesn't sound like you can have much of a M. It could be what you see as better at home is simply a facade, a bandaid, to cover up the missing intimacy, openness and honesty. Why do you stay in your M? I missed how much your W knows about your A and your ongoing feelings, but I assume she doesn't know that much. Is that correct? Don't you want an intimate and honest M or would you prefer what you have now to risking not being married?

 

I'm in an open M and have occasionally experienced obsession over another man, but I've always shared that in its full glory/gory with my H, and he helped me see the mix of humor, agony, joy, vulnerability,... in it and gently nudged me when it interfered with living life the way I want to. I can't imagine being in an M and keeping all that secret (if that is what you are doing?) and, personally, would rather be single than live that type of M.

[mr h]

Woinlove you are right my wife knows nothing about the A, as I have previosly stated I do love my wife dearly it just that everything was routine but I am working on that. As for my ex A partner we have been friends for over 20yrs and I still have strong feelings for her. Look I'm not trying to be mean here but don't you think that your situation is different because you have an open marriage? My ex A partner texted my wife the other day saying how she was on the store and how 2 men had tried to pick her up. Why would she tell my wife this is it an attempt to get me jealous or is that just how women talk?

[woinlove]

Woinlove you are right my wife knows nothing about the A, as I have previosly stated I do love my wife dearly it just that everything was routine but I am working on that. As for my ex A partner we have been friends for over 20yrs and I still have strong feelings for her. Look I'm not trying to be mean here but don't you think that your situation is different because you have an open marriage? My ex A partner texted my wife the other day saying how she was on the store and how 2 men had tried to pick her up. Why would she tell my wife this is it an attempt to get me jealous or is that just how women talk?

 

Yes, my situation is definitely different. Since my H and I share all important feelings, I have difficulty even imagining what kind of M you might have with your secrets. Still, I think it must be lacking in intimacy, given the secrets and deception. It would be interesting to hear from anyone who went on to have a long and fulfilling M, all while keeping a major betrayal hidden. The stories I am familiar with have the M dissolve later due to another betrayal (a lot of work is typically needed in order not to cheat again and it is difficult to do all the work required while still keeping your spouse in the dark) or just the weight of a M with the distance required to maintain such secrets along, with whatever other problems might be present.

 

As to how your xAP acts, no this is not how women talk. This is the behavior of an immature, selfish person. I assume your xAP has another side that you haven't described on LS, but from what you post she sounds like an immature jerk.

 

I am sorry you are in pain, but I can't muster up much interest in dissecting the actions of your xAP because she doesn't sound like she is worth the attention right now. Really, if this is the kind of person and behavior you wish to invest your emotion and brainpower on, then I again have to question why you want to remain married to your W. But if you must analyze her latest antics, I would guess that she tells your W things hoping your W will tell you and those things are meant to stimulate you to contact her or reach out so that she can get an ego-stroke because she is a broken person and doesn't know how to get fulfillment out of life - which for most healthy people means making meaningful connections with others that are based on true caring and compassion and trying to leave this world a little bit better through our actions, which includes knowing we loved those we shared our lives with and brought greater happiness and comfort into their lives. I sincerely doubt that her antics have anything to do with love, caring or compassion for you or anyone else.

[confusedinkansas]

I have a question.

IF the affair were to start back up again would there be any chance at all that the two of you could be together? I mean for real, divorced from your respective spouses - Real Relationship out in the open for the whole world to see & know about?

[sillysmart]

why is it so puzzling. You got involved with someone and their was attachment. That is what happens when you spend time with someone, share emotinal and physical intimacies. Then the rejection feels like a denial of that. Seems like it was all unreal? What you really want to know Mr. H is if you were played? Why, it is about you not about her. You want to know if what you thought was real was real? Well here it was real! YOu spent time, shared emotioanl and physical intimacy. She was attached to you duh? Why do you have to know that? Because of ego. You don't want to think that you did not have control or know what was going on. If you got played then what does that make you. You are mad at yourself for being vulnerable with someone who played you. Even players get attached they think they don't but they do. They are the real fools. Take a look in the mirror. And what about your poor wife. She thinks she knows reality? Do you know how much shock and anxiety will happen when she knows you made a fool out of her. You are obsessed with knowing if she played you or not because one YOUR EGO and two because you are attached and now feeling the loss of that!!!The letting go hurts! You play you pay! My suggestion is you concentrate on your marriage. Own up. You did not play well this got out of your control and now you don't like it and contacting her makes you feel as though you have it in control. Relationships like this are MESSY! End it, forget it, mourn do whatever but it really is not that hard to figure out!!!And please the fact that closure well have a funeral for yourself over it. In fact kill it!! You don't need to go through the mourning procress with her. You have already tried that and it is not working because she is having trouble too! She may tell your wife. If you care about your relationship with your WIFE tell her. This obsession will repeat itself with someone else. You want to never do it again tell her. Any expert on infidelity will talk about the addictive nature. Its not that complicated and the so called niceness that she acknowledge you is denial on your part to wrap it all up nice and easy and cleanly. Good luck with that! That is not closure that is a thing called denial!

Wish you the best,

Sillysmart

[mr h]

Kansas I don't have an answer to your question but yes I guess anything is possible but we never discussed it before. Sillysmart yes I guess some of it is about an ego boost as I am a man, but no it isn't all about me and wether or not I got played, of course I would like to know if I have been played. I'm not sure if you have been reading this from the beginning or not. Bit my x A partner and I have been friends over 20yrs now and I know I have had feelings for a long time and I believe she has had feelings also. This wasn't a one night stand where 2 people from differnt places hookup and never see each other again. As I stated earlier I am working on things at home but for some reason she keeps popping into my head and I think about her and that is making to process slow of getting things better at home. sounds foolish and stupid but I still care for this women very much and I think if I knew for sure that she really did care for me that it would make things easier for me to deal with. I'm not sure if that's normal in these situations or not I'm on here looking for help and yes I have been getting some help so I will keep posting as to what happens and to how I feel.

[confusedinkansas]

sounds foolish and stupid but I still care for this women very much and I think if I knew for sure that she really did care for me that it would make things easier for me to deal with

In my opinion this could only make things worse for you at home.

If you KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt this woman still has intense feelings for you then you'd be more apt to leave? Right?

You're in a pretty vunerable situation now.

Seems to me you're not committed to making the marriage work if you're still pining (somewhat) for this other woman.

Edited October 10, 2011 by confusedinkansas

[woinlove]

In my opinion this could only make things worse for you at home.

If you KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt this woman still has intense feelings for you then you'd be more apt to leave? Right?

You're in a pretty vunerable situation now.

Seems to me you're not committed to making the marriage work if you're still pining (somewhat) for this other woman.

 

Leaving the M would be one way to make things better at home. While it will be painful for a while, at least there could be something positive at the end for both mr h and his W.

 

Mr h, you are not giving anyone an impression that you should stay married. If this is your idea of making things better at home, I don't think it is going to work. You seem to want your xAP tucked away in a positive memory drawer with the feel-good that she cared. Just look at how she is behaving. Look at how she is treating your W in order to stroke herself. Not to mention how you are treating your W. You are keeping that kind of behavior in your life.

 

If you are to move toward a happy M -- and, from what you write, the prospects do not look good -- it won't matter whether your xAP cared. What is inside you will matter and what you have to give in order to participate as one partner in a successful M. I think any time right now spent thinking about whether you should stay married would be time well spent.

[mr h]

Woinlove I can understand how you think that I don't want to be married but honestly I do. I am trying to be a better man and husband, I hate what I have done to my wife I do. I know it's going to be a long and rough road ahead and I'm willing to deal with that. But truth be told I am hurting right now and hopefully the pain will go away. As I think maybe Emme or someone else stated it is possible to love 2 people at once and I know who I have chosen it is my wife. I'm not looking to be confrontinal with you but have you ever been in a situation like this before? If so how did it turn out for you? And maybe someone with some good insight can answer why the x texted my wife to say that guys were trying to pick her up in the store Emme or another female.

[spice4life]

And maybe someone with some good insight can answer why the x texted my wife to say that guys were trying to pick her up in the store Emme or another female.

 

First let me say, good for you for choosing your wife...I hope your efforts prove fruitful. Secondly, let me preface that I in no way agree with nor would I do what I'm about to say, but here's what I think. The only reason this woman is telling your wife this stuff is because she knows it will get back to you. She is looking for a reaction from you because she DOES still think about you. Again, I don't agree with it and think that it shows she is emotionally immature. As a woman, that's my best guess and definitely not something I would do. As a matter of fact, it would be a huge turn off to me.

 

However, I understand the reason you are curious and that's because you want to know if she still thinks and cares about you. Completely understandable IMHO. It proves to you on some level that the whole thing meant something and wasn't all in vane (sp?).

 

Hope this helps.

[woinlove]

Woinlove I can understand how you think that I don't want to be married but honestly I do. I am trying to be a better man and husband, I hate what I have done to my wife I do. I know it's going to be a long and rough road ahead and I'm willing to deal with that. But truth be told I am hurting right now and hopefully the pain will go away. As I think maybe Emme or someone else stated it is possible to love 2 people at once and I know who I have chosen it is my wife. I'm not looking to be confrontinal with you but have you ever been in a situation like this before? If so how did it turn out for you? And maybe someone with some good insight can answer why the x texted my wife to say that guys were trying to pick her up in the store Emme or another female.

 

Yes, I've been in love, infatuated, obsessed, whatever, with another man while married to my H. When it became painful in any way, I turned to my H for support and comfort and he helped me gain better control and leave the pain behind. But, no, I have not played these games with the W of my lover. Sometimes people that play devious games don't even understand their own motives as they are as good at deceiving themselves as others. In that case, you'd have to be a psychoanalyst to understand their motives and even then it wouldn't mean much except in a professional or academic sense.

 

As to wanting to be married, having a good marriage is an active and ongoing process. You say you want to be married but you also say the OW is in your head all the time and you need to understand what her crafty conversations with your unknowing wife mean. You are definitely active and proceeding somewhere, but it doesn't seem to be toward a happy marriage. Each day is an opportunity to get closer to what you want. Don't let too many days slip by getting somewhere other than where you want to be.

[mr h]

Wo yes I am trying my best at this present moment I am not a machine where I can just shut my emotions off for my x A partner I really do wish I knew how long these feelings will be there for. As for wanting to know if my x really cared or why she tells my wife certain things it will in my own head help me put things together and help me with my wife. I believe and I could be wrong but each person deals with problems in there own way, I'm not saying that I'm not listening to the advice everyone has been giving me because I am including yours. And yes spice I think you are right in the sence I do want to know that this wasn't all in vane. I know I repeat myself in all my post but yes it is importent for me to know my x did care for me. Even if doesn't matter what she thought in the end. Sorry if the offends anyone.

[woinlove]

Wo yes I am trying my best at this present moment I am not a machine where I can just shut my emotions off for my x A partner I really do wish I knew how long these feelings will be there for. As for wanting to know if my x really cared or why she tells my wife certain things it will in my own head help me put things together and help me with my wife. I believe and I could be wrong but each person deals with problems in there own way, I'm not saying that I'm not listening to the advice everyone has been giving me because I am including yours. And yes spice I think you are right in the sence I do want to know that this wasn't all in vane. I know I repeat myself in all my post but yes it is importent for me to know my x did care for me. Even if doesn't matter what she thought in the end. Sorry if the offends anyone.

 

Your xAP sounds immature, selfish and manipulative and so she may have a limited capacity to care about others and be primarily focussed on herself and her feelings. She may look to you or your W because of how she feels or wants to feel and that may not connect closely to caring for you, you as a separate person with your own needs and desires.

 

Her actions just don't sound like the actions of someone who really cares for another. Not everyone is capable of really caring about and loving others. I know because I was such a person, although I never played games because I still had some respect for others. Your xAP just doesn't sound that grounded or healthy to me and so trying to figure out how much she cares or cared might not be the point.

 

Likely she cared to the extent she was capable, but how can one know for sure? Was it enough? Do you care or love her enough? Do you love your W enough? Do you love yourself enough? Personally, I'd be more interested in answering the last three questions because those you can, in principle, get real answers to. On the xAP, it can be quite difficult to understand and know how much love or caring another person is capable of when they don't understand that themselves.

[mr h]

Wo you are right she is manipulative with me for sure because I have told her everything about how I feel and what I think about her, but how do I break this grasp she has on me? I feel so lost and confused right now. I know she has done some rotten things with me and isn't always nice to my wife bit I still think about her and I can't figure out why.

[woinlove]

Wo you are right she is manipulative with me for sure because I have told her everything about how I feel and what I think about her, but how do I break this grasp she has on me? I feel so lost and confused right now. I know she has done some rotten things with me and isn't always nice to my wife bit I still think about her and I can't figure out why.

 

It was a lot easier for me because I had my H to confide in. But I spent some time talking it out and the rest of the time focussing on doing things I usually enjoy and made sure the time spent on the latter increased as time went by. No magic formula, just making sure time is occupied with more productive and/or enjoyable activities. In your case, your life may be missing something in order for you to have a secret affair, and you need to figure out what is missing, what you need, and how best to get it or achieve it. When you confide in your W, her reaction, emotions and the state of your M at that time, will take a lot of your attention and effort. Assuming that is your plan at some point. Having this as a secret may increase its presence in your thoughts.

[mr h]

Wo yes I'm trying to keep myself busy with things I enjoy, you may not be happy to hear this but right now I don't plan on telling my wife about the A I know for a fact that she will leave me and I don't want that. And my x A partner also has a family a husband and daughter and I don't think there lives should be ruined because of the stupid mistake 2 adults made. That's why I am here looking for help and maybe a shoulder to lean on. May have been a little easier for you being you have an open relationship with your H.

[woinlove]

Wo yes I'm trying to keep myself busy with things I enjoy, you may not be happy to hear this but right now I don't plan on telling my wife about the A I know for a fact that she will leave me and I don't want that. And my x A partner also has a family a husband and daughter and I don't think there lives should be ruined because of the stupid mistake 2 adults made. That's why I am here looking for help and maybe a shoulder to lean on. May have been a little easier for you being you have an open relationship with your H.

 

I always wonder what kind of M one can have and maintain that deception. I know some cheat again, despite thinking they won't, because one can read their stories. I guess no one posts that they cheated 10 years ago, kept it a secret, they have a wonderful M and their spouse is still clueless. Maybe it happens occasionally, maybe it doesn't. Personally, can't imagine it, since I know what a M with open, honest communication and intimacy is like and can't imagine the alternative being at all as fulfilling and satisfying. I fear the two M's are doomed to be at best mediocre and, yes, the children are affected if one doesn't have the kind of happy, supportive, solid home that comes with the intimacy and honesty. Maybe someone has a more encouraging example or maybe you know of someone with a great M despite maintained deception through the years.