My father's funeral

[Goldline]

Hello,

 

I'll try and keep it short, if anything, paragraphed.

 

I come from a dysfunctional family, my mother is an alcoholic, my father decided to start another life when I was 13. He always repressed any form of self expression we would try to exhibit while he was raising us: he was the law, micromanaging everything down to my haircut as a child.

 

We are 5 siblings, 2 of them from my father's "new life". Every single one of us 3 kids drowned in family secrets, with battered self esteems and "battle" scars.

 

My father, now 72 with bad health, hasn't bothered to communicate with me for years, but for his "facebook" invitation (yes, really) and couple rare messages for my birthday.

 

I know he hasn't made any decisions about his funeral, his will, or anything of that nature. That's a subject that my mother and I talk about openly, I have come to term with her alcoholism, I now talk to her and I have forgiven her as she has forgiven me.

This topic might sound weird to you, not to my mother and I, at least I know what she wants and I won't get her cremated since she doesn't want to.

 

Anyways, part of me cannot wait for him to die and have his demons buried with him; part of me would like to forgive and be forgiven.

 

He lives in Europe, I am in the US and I now wonder if I should even bother going to his funeral. Why would I travel all the way to look upon his grave with grief, the grief of what childhood he stole from us.

 

I wonder if I have become the monster.

 

Thanks

Edited October 4, 2011 by Goldline

[Trolly]

That's pretty heavy. Difficult decision you're faced with. Do you have a counselor or therapist that you can consult on the matter?

[Tayla]

Consider me your sibling from another Family! Identical to say!

 

In seeking the answer to this , Would you feel any real "emotional" loss if he departed this earth? Would you be built up with years of angst and hatred for what was lost? Whether he is alive or not, we have demons to conquer from our past...the question is face the demon alive or thru other means.

 

 

 

Odd that you forgive your mom....? Yet your Dad had to spend years with your mothers illness...that takes a toll on anyone... Just sometimes we forget the "entire" person because we only see them in One role....Just as you made mistakes in many ways, your Dad did as well, whether he ever says it...the reality is there...its just as easy to forgive or make peace as it is to harbor ill. Which path is yours...you decide.

[Goldline]

My mother I felt wanted to renew the link between us, she acknowledged her problem and that helped me take a step toward her.

I also feel that her alcoholism has been fed by my father, his lack of emotions, his controlling behavior. Her hard life was part of it, of course: WWII as a child living by the German border, fighting in the war of Algeria vs France as a young adult. It weights on you.

 

Anyway, when a child is part of such a family I feel that the biggest problem is to be denied. To be denied your rights as an individual, to be fed lies, to "not be".

I feel my father has never taken the step to reconnect with us that my mother has, even with us trying to initiate contact, I feel we're still being denied the right to exist because he's refusing to acknowledge he did us any wrongs.

 

When he moved to his new life and his two twin sons were born, he did the very same thing, poisoned everybody with his controlling nature and family secrets.

When my brother turned 15 he attempted suicide, he had just learned that he had Aids. He has had Aids since birth. My father hide it from him, from us; I later learned that letters had been written to the doctor threatening them if they decided to tell my brother the truth. What kind of person does that?

 

We were raised thinking our lives were the norm, even if we felt something was off. Now as an adult, I know it was plain wrong, and yes, I am so angry.

 

I could go on and on about our family drama, but what's the point? Are any more morbid details going to make a difference?

 

Don't get me wrong though, I am resilient, I am a fighter, I am independent and I will work to have a life as normal as I can have. If people find me different, let them be, I am here for my happiness, not theirs anymore.

 

I just want to stay wary of what I have become in my quest for happiness.

[Nikki82]

So all the stuff your dad did was before you were 13, right? Are you mad at that or mad at the fact that he left? If you're mad at what all he did while he was still in your life, was it more than controlling and no emotion? For you to hold on so strong to his actions from your childhood sounds like he did more than be super controlling and unloving...

 

But also, in short if you have no relationship with him, don't feel obligated to travel to his funeral. Also, don't think his death will "fix" you. Only you fix you.

[Nikki82]

Well...I see more details now that you've edited your post. Secrets of HIV is a big deal. Does everyone in the family have it thanks to him?

 

Still, him dying will not heal you.

[Goldline]

Well...I see more details now that you've edited your post. Secrets of HIV is a big deal. Does everyone in the family have it thanks to him?

 

Still, him dying will not heal you.

 

My brothers are non identical twins, only one of them contracted AIDS. I would assume that my father contracted it through his new partner, but who knows, when I asked him about it he refused to tell me the truth or anything at all for that matter.

I myself found out about it when I found medication hidden away in my garden shed during one of his stays at my house (I kid you not). It's just nuts when I think about it!

To make a parenthesis on Aids, I wish I would have known it, kids get hurt and accidents do happen, it was totally irresponsible from him to hide it from us. That and I feel that I had a right to know.

 

I decided to write him a letter and try to arrange some kind of peace (selfishly, for my sake, I must admit).

As for going when he dies, I think I will, to "close a door" on the past.

 

Anyway, I posted when I was in a low mood, which happens to me sometimes, we all have good and bad days, right? So I am sorry if I seemed so dramatic.

 

I'll have to write about my neighbor one day and make you laugh. My neighbor, the dumpster diver, noisy, obnoxious guy and the army of squirrels that he feeds

Edited October 7, 2011 by Goldline

[Lucky_One]

The story of your brother is impressive - living at least 15 years after contacting AIDS. The median life span with no treatment after AIDS develops is 9.2 months, and treatment with HAART has only been around for about 12 years (and if your half-brother didn't know he had AIDS, then the necessary doctors visits for HAART, exams, and blood tests every 3 months would have tipped him off, so it seems that he was never treated). Your father living this long with full-blown AIDS is amazing, too, although it appears that he was undergoing some sort of treatment.

 

Your half-brother very likely has a tremendously strong legal case against this doctor that you talk of. Physicians have a "duty to warn", and even though a minor may be tested without the minor's consent legally, a physician MUST give positive results to the minor (including counseling, behavior modification, medication options, etc.) If this doctor really did not inform an AIDS patient that he had AIDS, then he could have infected hundreds of other people; this is a gross misconduct on the physician's part.

[Goldline]

Yes, he was treated, I remember him taking meds during my visits, so I know that for sure; when he was younger I knew he was sick, I didn't know what it was, my father was elusive, as always. I actually thought it was hepatitis. His answer was "it's nothing, he's just sick".

Being 18 years older than them living with my mother, I wasn't there. At the time they lived in Ivory Coast, where my father most likely contracted the virus, I was in France. But I don't know how someone can keep such a secret, indeed; don't forget though that my family isn't exactly healthy, that's the subject of my original post.

 

Since I think that he was born with it, I don't think that anybody actually said the words "you are HIV positive" till he asked or someone said it out loud, not sure which.

 

A few months ago I tried talking to my dad. Okay, let's be honest, I was plain angry.. the "conversation" didn't go that well (more like a monologue, mine, as always).

 

My brother is now 19, he has a hard time talking about it, and I don't blame him. He and I have a pact, I don't lie, that's the pact. He asks, I answer.

 

What's freaking hilarious in a sad way is that I know that my father thinks of himself as a victim. Everybody is bothering him with the truth and their anger. Poor thing...