Angry about husband's year long procrastination

[sunshinegirl]

Our 1-year anniversary is coming up next week, and I am ashamed to admit that we haven't finished sending our thank-you notes from our wedding.

 

More specifically, months ago we divvied up the list- he would write about half, I would write about half. He writes thank you's all the time @ work (he's a fundraiser) so he's no stranger to this task, and he's pretty eloquent to boot.

 

To date: I have written all but four thank-you's on my list. He has close to 50 left to write (meaning, he's written all of 8-10 notes in the last year).

 

For the last week to ten days, I have periodically mentioned how our anniversary is coming up and we need to get them done or we'll be the ungrateful a**holes who can't follow basic thank-you etiquette. I sent off another batch of my own thank-you's last weekend and said I would help him with his list. He has yessed me at every turn (or at least he gave me the impression that he agreed with the plan and would follow through); however, he hasn't written a single thank you.

 

Tonight while watching TV he said he was getting too tired to write any thank you's tonight, but he promised he would write 5 each day at work for the rest of the week. This has ****ing annoyed the **** out of me - even if he actually does it (which I have reason to doubt), it means he'll get through less than half of his list before our anniversary, and now I can't sleep because I am so pissed off at his procrastination and laziness!

 

I am also becoming less inclined to help him write his thank you's. I hated writing mine (not that I didn't feel grateful to people for the gifts, but hand-writing notes is not something I enjoy) but somehow I managed to do it anyway...so why the hell can't he?

 

I'm so angry right now about this that I have been thinking of giving him an ultimatum tomorrow: get your goddamn thank you's written by 5:00pm Friday or I'm not going on our anniversary weekend getaway!

 

I have to believe I'm overreacting (pregnancy hormones?), but I also feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I'm really not inclined to write his thank you's as well... I mean jesus I had cancer last year and I managed to get my half done; what's his excuse???

 

I should add that earlier this summer we had some disagreements over clutter/housework. We worked through those nicely with me explaining that I hated being put in the nagging bitch role when I had to ask repeatedly for him to do things - and it wasn't a long list of things, just a couple of things that really bugged me now and then. We agreed in the end that if one of us said that a request we made of the other was a huge priority, that the other would address it within 24 hours. Unfortunately he hasn't heeded this one lick when it comes to the thank-you note issue.

 

So... what to do?

[norajane]

Take a deep, calming breath. And another! You've got a bun in the oven so take good care of both of you.

 

I'm sure the recipients of your thank you notes won't hold it against you if the notes arrive a week or two late. I certainly don't keep track of things like that and would never even notice. And even if I did, so what? It's not such a terrible thing.

 

You and your hubby, on the other hand, need to do some open and honest communicating about your real issue. I don't know what exactly is beneath it. To me, it sounds like your hubby is one of those people that react badly to being told what to do at home. In the same way you hate to be a nag, he hates hearing someone tell him he has to do something (even if it needs to be done and he knows it). I could be wrong - no idea, but you and he can probably get to the core issue.

 

Together, you have to find a way to work around that issue.

 

I read an article a while back - the point was that you sometimes can change entrenched habits by praising people when they do things "right" instead of bitching when they've done things "wrong". A kiss and a "thanks for taking out the trash" might make taking out the trash nicer...so much that he won't mind it and you won't have to keep reminding. I know that doesn't help with the notes much, but if he does write them, maybe give him a kiss and thank him for getting them done (even if they're a little late). Just food for thought. You can work things out, just be open with him and be creative.

[sunshinegirl]

You're right - deep calming breaths for me and the baby.

 

You're also right that we have to figure out what's driving this. I really thought I had been approaching this in more of a carrot than a stick way ("we've both been bad about this...I'll help you with yours...we'll do it together...") but tonight was kind of a snapping point because:

 

-Leaving it alone for months on end didn't work

-Leading by example didn't work

-Taking the "we're in this together / I'll help" approach didn't work

 

I suppose if my two remaining options are:

 

-thermonuclear war

-praise for whatever (meager) effort he does make*

 

Then the second one is probably better for my marriage if not for our generous friends & family who are going to be waiting for god-knows-how-much-longer for acknowledgement of their gifts. (But I have to say, some part of me wants to give him a piece of my mind tomorrow during our morning jog. I'm not sure he gets how infuriating this is to me!)

 

Your theory may be right that he doesn't like to be told what to do. My other/main theory has been simple procrastination because he has a pretty big lazy streak. But maybe there's more to it than that.

 

*Question: we've tried the "let's get these done before Memorial Day / 4th of July / Labor Day" deadline and that didn't work either. Is praise really going to inspire him to keep plugging away for another week or two? Do I need to give him BJ's or something for every 5 notes he writes?

Edited October 4, 2011 by sunshinegirl

[sunshinegirl]

I just thought of something. What if I offered H this deal: get all of his thank-you's written by the weekend, and I will perform one of two sex acts that he really wants but that are majorly distasteful/painful for me so we've never done them? If not, deal's off and we're back to status quo...which is that I've agreed to do those things for our 10th anniversary.

 

I think I've gone off the deep end. Okay, shutting down to try to get a few hours of sleep.

[Art_Critic]

sunshinegirl.. your husband needs to finish what was started by you guys.. getting married, inviting guests and asking for gifts requires a thank you note to be sent and he really should do it.

You have done your half and now it is time for him to put his big boy underwear on and thank the people who took their time to come to his wedding and brought a gift.

 

Don't bribe him with sex.. just tell him to grow up..

 

and NoraJane is right about people not knowing if it was a week or so late.. but it still needs to be done.

[oldguy]

How about INSTEAD telling Mr. Lazy that he's getting NO sexual favors for your 10th Anniversary at ALL (favors that are painful for YOU but he obviously doesn't care enough because he still wants them anyway ) because he'd rather watch mindless TV than act like a responsible adult and do the right thing?

 

Yup, start trading sex as if it where currency & in a few years she will be back complaining because he is shopping at other stores That is ALWAYS a bad idea.

Try sitting down & doing them 'together', see if he's in to that.

[xxoo]

we'll be the ungrateful a**holes who can't follow basic thank-you etiquette.

 

If this consequence concerned or motivated him, he would have gotten them done with no nagging.

 

You still have two options not listed:

 

Let it go.

Do them yourself.

 

Believe me, in 20 years, if the worst thing you can come up with to complain about your husband is "I never could get him to write a single darned thank you note," you will be the envy of all your girlfriends!

 

Don't go to war, or cheapen your sex life, over this issue. Yes, it is possible that this is the tip of some larger issue, and he will turn out to be lazy. But you've worked out the other issues this year, so probably not. You just care about the notes deadline WAY more than he does, and it is becoming a power struggle. Whether you choose punishment or reward, it is still about you controlling his behavior. Not good.

[sunshinegirl]

xxoo, I guess you're right about it being a power struggle in some sense... but what I don't get about your two options (give up or write them myself) is that they both reward his irresponsible behavior. How is that a good thing? Seems to me it'll teach him that it's okay to ignore chores/tasks he doesn't like doing, because I'll cover for him (never mind that I hate the same chore but am willing to actually do it).

 

When we had premarital counseling, we talked about the difference between 'taking care' of each other (kindnesses to show our love) versus 'caretaking' (enabling) each other and how our marriage would be weakened if we started doing things for the other that the other was perfectly capable of doing themselves. Would lead to a 'learned helplessness' by the receiving partner and resentment by the giving partner. This feels like it's in that category...I will definitely resent having to do 8 hours of additional thank you writing for someone who was perfectly able to do it himself but was just too lazy to do it.

 

I get the whole "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy" thing and the importance of choosing your battles in marriage. But right now, I am having trouble with the idea of letting this one go.

 

And yeah, the sex-as-reward thing was insomniatic desperation last night. It's off the table - I won't make it a bargaining chip!

Edited October 4, 2011 by sunshinegirl

[xxoo]

xxoo, I guess you're right about it being a power struggle in some sense... but what I don't get about your two options (give up or write them myself) is that they both reward his irresponsible behavior. How is that a good thing? Seems to me it'll teach him that it's okay to ignore chores/tasks he doesn't like doing, because I'll cover for him (never mind that I hate the same chore but am willing to actually do it).

 

In my marriage, it IS ok for each of us to ignore certain chores/tasks we don't like, because the other will cover. But it is a 2-way street. We help each other generously.

 

I think I said on your last thread, if I had waited for H to write any of our thank you notes, I'd still be waiting 15+ years later! There are other tasks that he never, ever does, too.

 

But there are also tasks I never, ever do, because I really hate them. He does my share of those.

 

I look at the Big Picture. At one year into marriage, the big picture can be very difficult to see. You don't yet know if this is a one time event, or a pattern. Keep in mind that both laziness and power struggles can become a pattern.

 

Considerations: Does generally take advantage of you? Or is there generally give and take? Are there ways that he picks up the slack for you?

[sunshinegirl]

Considerations: Does generally take advantage of you? Or is there generally give and take? Are there ways that he picks up the slack for you?

 

No, he doesn't take advantage generally. He's very giving in many many other respects and we have a pretty good give-and-take in most other areas. (We split up household chores by things we either liked or hated less than the other person: he does laundry & trash; I do dishes and our finances.) More broadly, he's thoughtful and romantic: he plans surprise date nights, and always puts a card in my luggage when I travel for work.

 

I think I am stuck on this one because we both equally loathe this task; I thought that's why we split it up in the first place. (We both hate it so let's not stick the other with doing it all.) But now he's potentially sticking me with doing it all.

 

I'm also having trouble making the parallel to your husband - mine writes thank yous all the time at work, and he knows the importance of doing so. This isn't a case of "knuckle-dragging man doesn't know what to do with stationery." (Sorry, didn't mean to imply your husband is a knuckle-dragger! Hopefully you get what I meant.)

Edited October 4, 2011 by sunshinegirl

[carhill]

You're pregnant?

 

Sit his ass down at the table this weekend and 'we will do this today and it doesn't matter how long it takes'. It's time for you to lead, OP, in this particular matter.

 

With a baby coming, ole H is going to have to get way out of his comfort zone and now is as good a time as any to start. Good luck.

[oldguy]

xxoo, I guess you're right about it being a power struggle in some sense... but what I don't get about your two options (give up or write them myself) is that they both reward his irresponsible behavior. How is that a good thing? Seems to me it'll teach him that it's okay to ignore chores/tasks he doesn't like doing, because I'll cover for him (never mind that I hate the same chore but am willing to actually do it).

 

When we had premarital counseling, we talked about the difference between 'taking care' of each other (kindnesses to show our love) versus 'caretaking' (enabling) each other and how our marriage would be weakened if we started doing things for the other that the other was perfectly capable of doing themselves. Would lead to a 'learned helplessness' by the receiving partner and resentment by the giving partner. This feels like it's in that category...I will definitely resent having to do 8 hours of additional thank you writing for someone who was perfectly able to do it himself but was just too lazy to do it.

 

I get the whole "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy" thing and the importance of choosing your battles in marriage. But right now, I am having trouble with the idea of letting this one go.

 

And yeah, the sex-as-reward thing was insomniatic desperation last night. It's off the table - I won't make it a bargaining chip!

 

Premarital counseling is a nice idea but it's goal is to through a generalized blanket to cover marriage, something grandma use to do. You are a great case in point, your taking a statement & making it fit your situation & then letting it interfere with your relationship. Counselling should address current or past issues not predict future ones. Premarital counseling should be the beginning of a life long process of negotiations not stead fast rules chiseled in stone for all of time. Premarital counseling should leave you with nifty little suggestions like; "be flexible".

 

I would suggest again; try getting him to write thank yous with you. Make some light snacks & make it fun. He's going feel even more discouraged if you have reminded him how many you've done & he has left to do.

Edited October 4, 2011 by oldguy

[xxoo]

I'm also having trouble making the parallel to your husband - mine writes thank yous all the time at work, and he knows the importance of doing so. This isn't a case of "knuckle-dragging man doesn't know what to do with stationery." (Sorry, didn't mean to imply your husband is a knuckle-dragger! Hopefully you get what I meant.)

 

"The cobbler's child has no shoes."

 

Sometimes doing something at work makes us hate doing it at home that much more.

 

"Knuckle-dragger"

 

I love the idea of doing them together!

[sunshinegirl]

Okay, it sounds like the winning idea is to do them together. I think I'm going to have to let go of my "get it done by the anniversary" deadline because I doubt we can finish them off by Monday given the commitments we have over the next few nights, and then our anniversary trip over the weekend. But perhaps we can knock some off on the ferry to the island, a few more over coffee Sat/Sun mornings, and yet a few more on the ferry back.

 

I will try to get over my anger that I have to hold his hand through this, as well as my sense of self-righteousness that he has definitely fallen down on the job while I muscled through. Any techniques to help with that?

 

And, to Norajane's point early on, where does the 'open and honest communication' part come in to figure out why it came to this in the first place?

 

(And yes, Carhill - I'm pregnant!)

Edited October 4, 2011 by sunshinegirl

[serial muse]

Hi sunshinegirl...one nuclear option would be to hide the tv/remote/power cord/cable box/whatever. Chances are that within half an hour or so of being home he'll be casting about for something to do.

 

It's really amazing what a time suck TV is!

[oldguy]

Wow, hide the remote, hold off sex, I'm beginning to understand why so many marriages fail. Maybe you can take his car keys away or ground him to his room. WTH? And please, don't anyone respond with; 'if he's going to act like a child he should be treated like one' because like all children do, he will leave home!

 

This is a marriage, force the doors to communication open & do things together and do it before YOU end up raising your child.

 

When is the last time you've been on a date? And please make your anniversary weekend pleasurable. Enjoy each other & the scenery on your boat or ferry trip & don't even think about those cards. Do them at home, together, with a bottle of wine or some snacks & make it fun for both of you.

 

It's not that difficult once you let the anger & resentment go. You can either come up with creative ways to enjoy the rest of your lives together or you can be miserable for the next few years until you split.

[sunshinegirl]

Wow, hide the remote, hold off sex, I'm beginning to understand why so many marriages fail. Maybe you can take his car keys away or ground him to his room. WTH? And please, don't anyone respond with; 'if he's going to act like a child he should be treated like one' because like all children do, he will leave home!

 

This is a marriage, force the doors to communication open & do things together and do it before YOU end up raising your child.

 

When is the last time you've been on a date? And please make your anniversary weekend pleasurable. Enjoy each other & the scenery on your boat or ferry trip & don't even think about those cards. Do them at home, together, with a bottle of wine or some snacks & make it fun for both of you.

 

It's not that difficult once you let the anger & resentment go. You can either come up with creative ways to enjoy the rest of your lives together or you can be miserable for the next few years until you split.

 

Old Guy, I appreciate your input. I don't want to hang on to the anger/resentment and don't want to force a standoff. I'm planning to follow your suggestion of doing the thank you's together; what I'm struggling with is what to do with my upset, and when/how to communicate it (since you're advocating that we need to open the doors of communication)?

[norajane]

Wow, hide the remote, hold off sex, I'm beginning to understand why so many marriages fail. Maybe you can take his car keys away or ground him to his room. WTH? And please, don't anyone respond with; 'if he's going to act like a child he should be treated like one' because like all children do, he will leave home!

 

This is a marriage, force the doors to communication open & do things together and do it before YOU end up raising your child.

 

When is the last time you've been on a date? And please make your anniversary weekend pleasurable. Enjoy each other & the scenery on your boat or ferry trip & don't even think about those cards. Do them at home, together, with a bottle of wine or some snacks & make it fun for both of you.

 

It's not that difficult once you let the anger & resentment go. You can either come up with creative ways to enjoy the rest of your lives together or you can be miserable for the next few years until you split.

 

This is great advice!

 

My guess is any nagging or demands for him to do things remind him of his mother nagging him to clean his room or whatever. He probably doesn't want to feel like a "bad child" with his wife, or for his wife to remind him of a nagging or reprimanding mother in that regard!

 

So yeah, "punishing" him or taking away sex/tv privileges is very much a "mean mommy teaching her kid a lesson" kind of thing.

 

Can you try making it a fun evening together? When I sit down to write Christmas cards, I sip a glass or two of wine, turn on some music or fun tv show (cheesy Christmas movies are perfect for card writing!), and make it feel like a cheerful happy time rather than a chore. Can you make these thank you notes a celebration of your marriage? Can you make it a romantic evening where you write the notes and reminisce about your wedding?

[xxoo]

what I'm struggling with is what to do with my upset, and when/how to communicate it (since you're advocating that we need to open the doors of communication)?

 

Sit down, close together, and tell him that you are overwhelmed with your feelings of frustration regarding the thank you notes, and really disappointed and unhappy about the way it has been handled thus far. Tell him you'd like to do them together--get them done once and for all. And then ask him how he thinks the situation could have been handled better by each of you.

[Els]

Yes, please don't botch your anniversary weekend over thank you cards. Seriously, chances are your recipients won't even remember that they were owed them - it is nice to write them, but really not so important that you should make your H unhappy during anniversary weekend over them!

 

Seeing as there is healthy give and take in most other aspects of your R, I would just let it go, personally.

[serial muse]

Wow, hide the remote, hold off sex, I'm beginning to understand why so many marriages fail. Maybe you can take his car keys away or ground him to his room. WTH? And please, don't anyone respond with; 'if he's going to act like a child he should be treated like one' because like all children do, he will leave home!

 

This is a marriage, force the doors to communication open & do things together and do it before YOU end up raising your child.

 

When is the last time you've been on a date? And please make your anniversary weekend pleasurable. Enjoy each other & the scenery on your boat or ferry trip & don't even think about those cards. Do them at home, together, with a bottle of wine or some snacks & make it fun for both of you.

 

It's not that difficult once you let the anger & resentment go. You can either come up with creative ways to enjoy the rest of your lives together or you can be miserable for the next few years until you split.

 

Oh, lighten up. I was joking, which is why I called it a "nuclear" option.

 

This place takes itself so seriously sometimes. Sorry I forgot to include smilies. Here's one:

[oldguy]

Well ok then, smiley face accepted:p

I initially thought those little icons where silly until I realized everything written can be taken multiple ways.

[sunshinegirl]

Things are looking up!

 

Tonight, with no prompting, H said "I didn't get a lunchtime today to write any thank-you's, so tomorrow night I'm leaving work @ 5, coming home, and writing them til they're done. It's gonna suck, but I'll do it."

 

I had been gearing up to talk to him using xxoo's advice -- and I didn't have to!

 

I told him: Pour some wine, put some good music on, and I'll help as soon as I get home from babysitting my nephews & niece.

 

The proof will be in the pudding, of course, but I feel so relieved that he's showing some initiative.

[xxoo]

Sounds promising!

 

I'd still ask him how he would prefer you approach that kind of situation differently in the future. It can't hurt to refine your problem solving skills as a couple.

[Zapbasket]

Hey SSG! I came late to this thread, and it looks like you've received wonderful advice already...plus your H sounds like he's pulled it together and is going to get the thank-you's out of the way at last!

 

I can only add that I agree with xxoo's advice above--good to use this as an opportunity to bone up your problem-solving skills together. Just be sure to wait to have that conversation until AFTER all the notes are done

 

And congratulations on becoming a mom-to-be! That's fantastic news!