sally1530 Posted May 14, 2004 Share Posted May 14, 2004 My finance and I dated for 8 months, very happy, then on Christmas day he proposed with no pressure from me, I was truly surprised and happy. We lived separately and then we planned at may 22nd, 2004 wedding, it was kinda a stressful situation for us , I moved in in early march, things were tight with time to plan the wedding, he seemed to be okay, except it seemed like he was getting cold feet... he's almost 38 and never been in a relationship more than a year. Never been married yet, no kids. I am 34 and have had a 7 year relationship and no marriage or kids. We both seemed to want the same things, marriage , kids, family, happiness... I don't know what went wrong, but he insisted on having a stripper, for the bachelor party, we got into many disagreements and he wouldn't give it up, I then found out a week before my shower he was online with his profile and picture on lava-life looking for intimate encounters (sexual) with women for our entire engagement of 4 months. He was mad that I found out. He also admitted he was on some porn sites too. I got mad , I thought we made up, I told him I could forgive him and that we would need to work on building our trust with one another again. I think he was very scared to commit. Anyway everything seemed fine for a few days, he sent me "I love you" email's...etc. then that Friday night before the Saturday morning wedding shower, I come home to our house, and he said he has already canceled the wedding and I need to move out the next day. So I did. He went to two consuling sessions with me and we were blaming each other and its wasn't very nice. He wanted the ring back and for me to pay 1/2 of the wedding cost.. well number one I gave him back the ring , cause he said he might have made a mistake and wanted to be able to give it back to me another time in the future if things work out for us... right? hello, my first mistake.... second I made him pay all the wedding costs and penalties because he is the one who called it off. He sent out to our families without my knowledge " mutual consent" cards that we both agreed to walk away from the marriage... not what happened... he has had no more contact with me at all its been almost a month... I still love him and didn't think things were that bad to cancel the wedding, maybe postpone to a later date so we could work on things... but to be so drastic and sudden,, really hurt. He asked for "space" or "time" to figure out what he wants in life and to work on his issues... Does this mean its truly over? Can he just walk away, one month ago he loved me and now he dosent? What should I do? He is completely closing me off... no calls, no emails, no visits.... he hasn't even told his family and friends anything exept that we were working things out to some family members and other friends he said we have "irreconsiable differences". What should I do, my heart is aching , I miss him and he is the love of my life, what to do? Will he come back to me? Should I go to him? How long is "time" ? 6 months??? a year? Never? Help???? Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted May 14, 2004 Share Posted May 14, 2004 Why, why, why, would you want to marry a man that has cheated on you (even if it was on the internet) while you were engaged?! And what sort of blame is he placing on you? Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted May 14, 2004 Share Posted May 14, 2004 Yeah, how's he blaming you??? Baby girl, count your lucky stars that this guy had the balls to leave you now, before things got worse. You found out about things he was doing online, and you didn't like it. He didn't like that you CAUGHT him. He's blaming you, because you were *spying* on him, which I'm sure isn't the case. Also, he's blaming you, because you *judged* him. Poor poor pitiful little cheater. He's so innocent, and you are such a meanie for making him stop getting sexual pleasures from other women He's not going to change. My husband has lied and lied and lied to me about porn. I wish I'd known before we got married, so I could've either left him, or had my eyes open to the fact that I was going to be competeing with porn for my husbands erections for the rest of my life. Read aaaaaaaaaaall the threads on cheaters. Read aaaaaaaaaaall the threads on "My husband looks at porn." THEN see if you really really want to put up with all this pain for the rest of your life! Be glad that he broke up with you before you married him. Be glad that he broke up with you, so you wouldn't be faced with the decision of whether to dump your cheater, or try to work on your relationship. Now, you can play the pity card all you want. "MY FIANCE DUMPED ME JUST WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING WAAAAHHHH!!" No one will blame you. You were the loving one. You were the forgiving one. You were the one that got dumped because HE did wrong. I know it's little consulation, but as advice, please don't wait on him. You are too good for that. Please don't go back to him if he does come crawling back. As consulation, I've been there. It hurts like nothing else when the man you love and planned your life, and a wedding with just leaves you, it hurts. I'm so sorry that the man you wanted in your life doesn't exist I'm sorry the man that you thought your fiance was isn't really who he is I'm sorry that I said, "be glad..." so many times, because I know that's impossible right now. I urge you to remind yourself that you DO NOT love THIS man. The man you LOVE would never cheat on you. He would never dump you. He would never desire ANYONE BUT YOU. I'm sorry that this man you were going to marry tricked you the way he did. I'm so so so sorry that you got blindsided by his problems. It's not fair Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally1530 Posted May 14, 2004 Author Share Posted May 14, 2004 He has told me that I focused too much emotional time on recovering from my mothers sudden death last august and that since we got engaged on christmas that we didnt have enough " us" time while I was planning the wedding.... he wanted to be engaged longer.... I was living with him from early march to end of april when he broke it off. He said I didnt give him enough attention .... well we had no problems in the bedroom.... I know that... but he just wanted to play " x-box" this video game and be on his computer like 15-20 hours a week .... so almost every other night from 9pm-1am he would do this...I didnt realize while I was sleeping in the next room he was chatting with gals on the internet asking them to send him naked pictures.... whats wrong with him... Im beautiful, fit, there in his bed, wanting him to open up emotionally to me.... and he wants to excape to fantancy>>> Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally1530 Posted May 14, 2004 Author Share Posted May 14, 2004 He hasnt tried to contact me anymore... for a week now... dont think I will be hearing from him... he told his parents " something was missing " in our relationship and he had doubts.... well, humm that would be honest, trust and respect >>>> I agree something was missing. I gave him those things and more. He didnt appricate them. I just cant believe one month ago we were together and things seems fine. Now things are not at all... It seems like a nightmare I cant get out of ... it totally sucks... how could he play me like this.... why? He hasnt said hes sorry, or even that he cheated.... he said he didnt cross the " emotional or physical line" so thats not cheating... what is that??? I could have accepted that fact that he had doubts and was scared to committ, but just giving up on us and quitting like that and shutting me out... well that I dont understand... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally1530 Posted May 14, 2004 Author Share Posted May 14, 2004 My finance and I dated for 8 months, very happy, then on Christmas day he proposed with no pressure from me, I was truly surprised and happy. We lived separately and then we planned at may 22nd, 2004 wedding, it was kinda a stressful situation for us , I moved in in early march, things were tight with time to plan the wedding, he seemed to be okay, except it seemed like he was getting cold feet... he's almost 38 and never been in a relationship more than a year. Never been married yet, no kids. I am 34 and have had a 7 year relationship and no marriage or kids. We both seemed to want the same things, marriage , kids, family, happiness... I don't know what went wrong, but he insisted on having a stripper, for the bachelor party, we got into many disagreements and he wouldn't give it up, I then found out a week before my shower he was online with his profile and picture on lava-life looking for intimate encounters (sexual) with women for our entire engagement of 4 months. He was mad that I found out. He also admitted he was on some porn sites too. I got mad , I thought we made up, I told him I could forgive him and that we would need to work on building our trust with one another again. I think he was very scared to commit. Anyway everything seemed fine for a few days, he sent me "I love you" email's...etc. then that Friday night before the Saturday morning wedding shower, I come home to our house, and he said he has already canceled the wedding and I need to move out the next day. So I did. He went to two consuling sessions with me and we were blaming each other and its wasn't very nice. He wanted the ring back and for me to pay 1/2 of the wedding cost.. well number one I gave him back the ring , cause he said he might have made a mistake and wanted to be able to give it back to me another time in the future if things work out for us... right? hello, my first mistake.... second I made him pay all the wedding costs and penalties because he is the one who called it off. He sent out to our families without my knowledge " mutual consent" cards that we both agreed to walk away from the marriage... not what happened... he has had no more contact with me at all its been almost a month... I still love him and didn't think things were that bad to cancel the wedding, maybe postpone to a later date so we could work on things... but to be so drastic and sudden,, really hurt. He asked for "space" or "time" to figure out what he wants in life and to work on his issues... Does this mean its truly over? Can he just walk away, one month ago he loved me and now he dosent? What should I do? He is completely closing me off... no calls, no emails, no visits.... he hasn't even told his family and friends anything exept that we were working things out to some family members and other friends he said we have "irreconsiable differences". What should I do, my heart is aching , I miss him and he is the love of my life, what to do? Will he come back to me? Should I go to him? How long is "time" ? 6 months??? a year? Never? He has told me that I focused too much emotional time on recovering from my mothers sudden death last august and that since we got engaged on christmas that we didnt have enough " us" time while I was planning the wedding.... he wanted to be engaged longer.... I was living with him from early march to end of april when he broke it off. He said I didnt give him enough attention .... well we had no problems in the bedroom.... I know that... but he just wanted to play " x-box" this video game and be on his computer like 15-20 hours a week .... so almost every other night from 9pm-1am he would do this...I didnt realize while I was sleeping in the next room he was chatting with gals on the internet asking them to send him naked pictures.... whats wrong with him... Im beautiful, fit, there in his bed, wanting him to open up emotionally to me.... and he wants to excape to fantancy>>> He hasnt tried to contact me anymore... for a week now... dont think I will be hearing from him... he told his parents " something was missing " in our relationship and he had doubts.... well, humm that would be honest, trust and respect >>>> I agree something was missing. I gave him those things and more. He didnt appricate them. I just cant believe one month ago we were together and things seems fine. Now things are not at all... It seems like a nightmare I cant get out of ... it totally sucks... how could he play me like this.... why? He hasnt said hes sorry, or even that he cheated.... he said he didnt cross the " emotional or physical line" so thats not cheating... what is that??? I could have accepted that fact that he had doubts and was scared to committ, but just giving up on us and quitting like that and shutting me out... well that I dont understand... What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted May 15, 2004 Share Posted May 15, 2004 Don't bother trying to understand. I've had SEVERAL men just leave me without a sorry or an explaination. I don't know what they were thinking either Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally1530 Posted May 17, 2004 Author Share Posted May 17, 2004 I guess I want the man I thought I knew back... the man I fell in love with , who I thought wanted to marry me. Im not so sure I want the man who was lying and cheating on me and verbally abusing me. He has some deep issues I dont think I want to waste anymore time on.... hes only thinking of himself and his needs right now... and I shoudl do the same. I deserve better... he will repeat this cycle of hurting women again and again.... I dont believe he could ever have a relationship with a woman for more than a year.... at that point the excitement phase and the " hunt" is over and he needs a new challenge... that is what he told me was that the excitement of the first date, first time in bed, first everythings.... is gone... well I cant give it to him again... It sucks that he is not sorry for his actions.... and that he cant admit he has a problem. I do think he loved me, but I think he was too selfish with his sexual additions to ever be able to have a real , emotionally furfilling relationship with me. As soon as I found out who he really was, he bolted... the Jig was up, he had to leave and start the "game" over with someone new.... a new victim. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 Sally, your last post seemed so enlightened. He wants sexual firsts. Maybe sneaking behind your back was a wonderful sexual thrill to him, and now that the thrill is gone, he doesn't want to change, so he is after someone else. I agree, I don't think you want him back..you want the person you thought he was back. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 Two BIG things jumped out at me in your posts. 1) your mother died and he wants you to get over it fast! WTF!!!! Grieving takes a long time--usually years! NO ONE should EVER tell you how to grieve or how much time to take. That is miles beyond ignorance and selfishness. If he truly cared about you he would have been supportive. 2) That man you loved does not exist in this guys body. He never did. You were reaching for solace and comfort and you need to be loved--we all do. At a crucial time in your life this man fooled you, tricked you, and used your vulnerability to his own selfish purposes. He KNEW you were hurting too much from the loss of your mother to be able to see him for what he really is. Don't beat yourself up over him. There are people (men and women) who are callous and untrustworthy and conniving enough to fool even the best judge of character. But there are more people who are honest and caring and whom you CAN trust. You will find them here and there -- when you least expect it. Chalk this one up to a very sad learning experience. Take a deep breath and you will move on. BTW: Here is a grief site that may help you. http://www.beyondindigo.com/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally1530 Posted May 18, 2004 Author Share Posted May 18, 2004 This is about the cancellation of the wedding and being kicked out of his house 4 weeks ago after finding out he was emailing gals on the internet. He hasnt tried to contact me anymore... for a week and 1/2 now... dont think I will be hearing from him... he told his parents " something was missing " in our relationship and he had doubts.... well, humm that would be honest, trust and respect >>>> I agree something was missing. I gave him those things and more. He didnt appricate them. I just cant believe one month ago we were together and things seems fine. Now things are not at all... It seems like a nightmare I cant get out of ... it totally sucks... how could he play me like this.... why? He hasnt said hes sorry, or even that he cheated.... he said he didnt cross the " emotional or physical line" so thats not cheating... what is that??? I could have accepted that fact that he had doubts and was scared to committ, but just giving up on us and quitting like that and shutting me out... well that I dont understand... I gave back the ring to him and made him pay the entire wedding costs because he cancelled it. He is upset and felt that I needed to pay half which im not going to. I think hes dating someone else now.... not sure , I wanted to stop over and just see him one more time and end it on a good note and not have him see me in tears... and looking good... and when I drove by his house last night at 7:30pm he wasnt home.... so I think I will try again tonight... I dont know why im doing this .... maybe because I think he might not know how to talk to me at this point and I need to make the last ditch effort.... or maybe its that he doesnt want to talk to me or see me anymore and he wants me to disappear... I guess either way I need to do this tonight... am I wrong? Please advise What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Just Visiting Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 Girl...I was in the same boat as you. Once I figured out that my ex is a cheater and liar (he would stay up late at night and chat with women while I was sleeping), I confronted him about it. Like someone said, he realized that the "jig is up" and went back to his ex. She is more of a doormat type then I am...which is sad. Anyway, it is now a year since he first left without any type of explanation...and now I am counting my blessings. We were only together for a few months. So my advice to you is NOT to go try and talk to him. It is obvious that he is an immature liar and cheater. Why put in the extra energy? You don't owe him anything. I understand that you want some sort of closure. But honey, what if he doesn't give it to you? Are you going to be sitting on his doorstep till he does? That probably won't happen for a looong time. The way I see it, he is angry because he was caught, and admitting to his indiscretions means he was at fault, NOT YOU. And it takes a strong person to admit they're wrong. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally1530 Posted May 18, 2004 Author Share Posted May 18, 2004 Thanks I know I shouldnt see him or talk to him.... its killing me... but I guess I have to just let go of the dream of us getting married.... I asked him if I didnt catch him cheating on me would he have still married me on may 22, 2004... he said yes.... this guy goes to church and is from a wonderful family... I dont know how he turned out so wrong.... he thinks he is going to move on to the next gal and fool her or that she will accept him for the porn , chatting and lies... hes going to have to find someone pretty stupid and despriate. I think Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally1530 Posted May 18, 2004 Author Share Posted May 18, 2004 Now that the wedding has been cancelled after I found out he was online and cheating. I have moved out and havent spoken with him in 2 weeks. The last time he saw me I was a crying mess.... I want to stop at his house and have him see me together and end it in a good way... I dont want him to have the power of knowing that Im destroyed, and crying over all of his pictures.... ( note I gave them all back to him....) I dont want any reminders of this past year and a half of lies..... I want him to see me now that I have lost 10 pounds this month, I look good and want him to see that Im going on with my life... and I feel that we need to part well for me to move on.... what are your thoughts.... Link to post Share on other sites
Just Visiting Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 I understand wanting to show that you are doing fine despite what has happened. My brother-in-law told me not too long ago that "success is the best revenge". I have thought and felt the exact way you are right now. When I saw my ex at some events, I made sure he saw me enjoying myself. What happened between us devastated me. I couldn't eat or sleep that first month he left. But now when I look at it, I am stronger than he is. He is unable to deal with issues upfront, instead he runs to the next person and buries his head in the sand. You can only imagine the amount of emotional garbage that our exes are carrying around. I still feel that going to his house is not a good idea. Things may be said that can hinder your progress to heal. Like I said before, you don't owe him anything. Not even a good parting of ways. I did that and it slowed my healing. Trying to be the better person by stifling my anger, and saying the "let's be friends" speech. Once I admitted to myself that it is okay NOT to forgive that person right away or try be the better person. You have been betrayed....grieve for awhile. Never mind the loser...think of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally1530 Posted May 18, 2004 Author Share Posted May 18, 2004 well last week I gave him back all our photos, momentos, cards that were given to eacthother, our video of our trip to san diego..etc... I put them in a large envelope and put it in his mailbox.... I want him to know I dont want anything that will remind me of him.... because he never existed..... I now know who he really is...which is a sick , demented , ass*h*le.... I wish I never met him... he tricked me , used me and toyed with my life.... I hope the next girl really does a number on him.... Link to post Share on other sites
Just Visiting Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 It is good that you got rid of all the momentos. Now you can concentrate on yourself. You have made it loud and clear that you are erasing him out of your life. So there is no need to make any sort of contact with him. Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
shellgranado Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 your on the right track by moving out now get on with you life Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally1530 Posted May 19, 2004 Author Share Posted May 19, 2004 he used the excuse "I didnt meet his emotional needs" I was coping with my mothers death from last august, planning a wedding in 5 months and my brothers out of control behavior as a alcholic.... so maybe I didnt meet his emotional needs and was forced to look elsewhere....any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally1530 Posted May 19, 2004 Author Share Posted May 19, 2004 he said he didnt cross any emotional or phyical line with these 3 gals I caught him emailing to... but he did admit to wanting them to send naked photos of them to him and he did send a picture to one girl... but dont know of what. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 What are ya, NUTTS?! This butt-wipe did you a favor by cutting you loose. Probably the only decent act of mercy he’s ever shown. And just what is it you think you’re going to “fix?” He’s not going change on your account. The only option you’d have would be to except this relationship on his terms (like it or not). So, do you honestly see a happy marriage and future with a cyber-stalker like this? Would this man be the kind of father you’d want for your children?...The kind of nitwit husband you’d be PROUD to bring home to your family and introduce to your friends???? Get a grip on yourself, Woman!! (insert swift kick in butt, here) You are not…I repeat…ARE NOT…the reason for his bad behavior. Don’t you dare accept the blame OR the responsibility for making it right. He’s got a major character flaw, plain and simple. And the sooner you lick your wounds and move on, the sooner you’ll find happiness again. I guarantee, you’ll look back on this one day and thank your lucky stars that things happened the way they did and you didn’t end up married to this jerk. I’m also willing to wager that you’ll find yourself in a happy, stable and HEALTHIER relationship long before he finds anyone willing to put up with all his crap. Link to post Share on other sites
azgirl Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 Um ... yeah! What EnigmaXOXO said!!! I know we can't help who we love, but this guy sounds like a Class A dirt-bag! I know you are hurting right now and it's hard because all of this was so sudden. You're probably feeling embarrassed that the wedding has been cancelled, all those plans down the tubes, etc. But guess what - Enigma was right - this mf-er did you a FAVOR! And let me tell ya something else, woman. If he was already emailing naked pictures or whatever the heck he was doing and "cheating" via email - how long do you think it would be before he was physically doing it???? I know it is not what you want to hear, but do not compromise your dignity by going over to his house to talk to him. He does not ever deserve to be graced with your presence again! The best revenge you can get on him is to pick yourself up and hold your head up high and move on. He'll get his in the end! Right now what you are feeling is natural, and you are allowed to go through this period of grieving and healing. But, do not give one inch to him! What he did was sooo low and you need to have enough self-respect to not go slinking back to him with your tail between your legs offering up apologies! That's absurd!!! Give yourself sometime to heal and surround yourselves with friends and family - quality people. No amount of apologizing to him is going to bring this guy back. And that's fine because once the pain starts to subside you'll realize what a piece of work this guy is and how lucky you were to escape a lifetime - or at least several years - of hell! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally1530 Posted May 19, 2004 Author Share Posted May 19, 2004 Thanks thats I guess what I needed to hear... he has brain washed me for 5 months saying that it was all my fault... and it wasnt... I just found out the "Real" person he was and he didnt like that fact that the "Jig" was up... I outsmarted him... he thought he could fool me... well not anymore... let him go an fool someone else.... I dont need that mess anymore... Thanks for all your advice... I have my first date tomorrow night.... Im moving on... Link to post Share on other sites
howshouldiknow Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 I can only tell you this much, if this person is asking for space and you really want to work things out, you have to give it to them whether you think it's fair or not. I'm in a similar situation, my partner decided to dump me after we both watched a friend die of breast cancer. I wanted to get closer, but I was caught by surprise after 4 years and told we should break up. I know that it's not uncommon for things like this to happen during trauma, some people handle the stress by bailing out. If there's any hope of reconciling, all the sources seem to agree that you need to get yourself healthy and independant first, and you may seem more attractive to them. Being needy is the last thing they want right now. There are a couple of good books, and ebook called "Stop your Divorce," and a book called "Divorce Busting" which you can probably find at your local library. You sound like me, and you'll soon find out you're breaking all the rules and hopes of getting them back if you push too hard. I hope you can use these reference items and at least feel better about yourself and try to heal, get some personal counseling if you can as an outside party's opinion is often priceless. These forums work very well too, I wish you much luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sally1530 Posted June 7, 2004 Author Share Posted June 7, 2004 Well its been about a month now and the way we left it was we sent each other each a nasty gram. I dont think he will be contacting me any time soon. Its just hard to leave it in such a harsh way. Im a good woman who feels as though this is the wrong way to leave it. Plus I want him to know that im dating now and moving on with my life. I want his last memory of me to be happy without him and looking great! Link to post Share on other sites
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